“Pack his things and throw them out the window or just burn them in the backyard?
I’ll bet this was the first thought of any woman who just found out her spouse was or still is cheating on her.
Then comes the real shock.
The unbelievable rage. The thoughts of revenge. The devastation. The anxiety. The feeling that the life you know has been sucked into a black hole.
And finally comes hopelessness. The worst feeling of all.
Page Contents
My Husband Cheated – Is It a Deal Breaker?
Every bone in your body tells you that cheating is the ultimate deal breaker in a marriage.
How can you ever trust him again after he has done this to you? How could he cheat and claim he loves you? How could he play you for a fool and compulsively lie to you?
How could he take the risk of destroying your family? the life that you built together?
What Stops You From Throwing Him Out Right Now?
In reality, most married women (especially with kids) do not act on their fantasies and immediately throw their cheating husbands to the curb.
Why?
1. The Children
If you have children, you think about their well-being before you consider yours. That’s how moms are built.
You don’t want to make them go through a divorce. You don’t want to ruin their perception of their father. You want to give them the stability and security they had until now.
2. Money
You fear that you won’t be able to provide for your children without his salary. Maybe you are used to being a stay-at-home mom and you fear the huge change you’ll have to make to become a sole provider.
3. Denial
This is not the man you married. You can’t believe this is really happening to you. It’s so unbelievable that you will either deny it ever happened or become obsessed with finding the reason men have affairs – hoping that it’s something that makes sense and can be fixed.
You’ve invested so much and so many years in this relationship and this man.
It’s hard to walk away from an investment. Even a bad one.
4. Fear
It’s scary to leave someone. It’s even scarier to break up a family. You’ve never imagined this could happen to you nor did you prepare for it in any way.
Jumping into the unknown is the scariest thing we can do.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t imagine the day you’ll be a happily divorced woman. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel and it’s frightening.
How to Know if You Should Give Him Another Chance
All of the reasons written above are not an excuse to stay with a lying cheating husband. The children will not benefit from growing up with resentful and angry parents.
Fear should not determine your life decisions.
Denial only goes so far.
As for financial fear, nothing is worse than feeling trapped in a marriage because of money. You have rights, and if you’ll contact a lawyer you will know what they are.
Real reconciliation with an unfaithful husband is impossible unless he meets these 5 basic requirements:
1. He Doesn’t Ask for Time to Think
The first requirement that needs to be met is that your husband ends the affair altogether, right now.
If he asks for time to decide (!!) what he wants to do, you should send him packing immediately.
There’s no “pick me” situation here. Don’t give him that power and don’t let him add insult to injury.
2. He is Asking for Forgiveness
If your husband has lamely apologized once and demanded you to “get over it” ever since, he obviously has no respect or love for you.
If he can’t even acknowledge how much he has hurt you and doesn’t bend over backward to make you see how genuinely sorry he is, IMO reconciliation is not possible.
3. No More Lies
Your husband has to stop lying. NOW. Not tomorrow, not later, now. No more lies, ever again. This is a huge part of a real reconciliation.
If your husband has admitted his cheating but keeps lying to you about the details of the affair or anything else – He is probably going to keep lying to you for the rest of your life.
Full transparency is the most important part of the post-affair agreement.
4. Full Transparency
Your husband has to understand that he has broken your trust, maybe forever.
He needs to do everything he possibly can to regain your trust, and the first step is complete transparency.
He will have to give you all the passwords to all the websites, bank accounts, emails, and everything.
He will have to tell you where he is going and when he is coming and always answer your calls. At least in the near future.
5. A Shoulder to Lean On
If your husband is not willing to contain your pain and anger and dismisses your feelings with the ever-so-popular “get over it”, reconciliation will become impossible.
You’ll get over it when you are good and ready, maybe never.
If he doesn’t accept it and try to help and support you through your pain, there’s nothing more you can do with this man.
The Decision That Changed My Life
When my husband cheated, I decided to give him one more chance. (Here’s a tip – do not tell anyone about his infidelity. Some bad advice is waiting there and a few other problems.
Personally, I didn’t want to go to marriage counseling after my husband’s 6-month affair.
I chose to use this free advice instead, and I’m so glad I happened to find it.
This program not only showed me how to cope with the trauma, deal with never-ending affair images and negative thoughts and heal myself, but showed MY HUSBAND how to become completely honest and transparent, how to ask for my forgiveness, and how to take responsibility and protect our marriage from further harm.
If your husband doesn’t meet at least 4 of the requirements above, reconciliation may be impossible and you can only look forward to more pain and hurt in the future.
But if he does, not all hope is gone. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and this light can be very bright and warm.
What about you? Will your husband meet these requirements or are you more convinced you have to end your marriage now? Share your story with me below.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
I had a love marriage. My parents were not ready for it. Still, I and my husband tried convincing them since 4 years. Finally, we got married. I love my husband the most. He was the only person on earth whom I was able to communicate so well. We had two children. We saw many hardships but we’re happy with one another as a couple. I knew my family never liked him much as he was not very well settled financially but still I was quite happy to have his love in my life. After 12 years of marriage I came to know he was having an affair with a lady he came across through social media. He had all his physical intimacies with the lady and was frequently with her in the name of office tours and work.
I feel shattered as if I have been cheated for my innocence and sincerity in my relationship.
I admit that he had the affair only for sex. Still troubles me all the more as we into a couple were sexually satisfied with one another. He never complains to me for any of my behavior/ attitudes.
He feels sorry now and but I am not able to forget his deed and forgive him.
It’s been almost a year now but still, I find myself at the same place of negative emotions.
I don’t know whether to trust him or not.
I can’t believe the fact that he could lie to me so easily. I can’t forgive him for his sexual activity with the lady. The negative imaginations keep floating my mind.
I fight with him, I am into deep pain and anger. But Don’t know how to control it.
My husband cheated for a year, while I was transferred to DC for military. I wanted to leave but didn’t. Why are we so devastated by this and yet stay. Now 2022 he having text with another woman, all I feel is hate…. And I texted her on Facebook told her if she doesn’t unfriend him I will tell her husband… I did this yesterday…. They will cheat again unfortunately just keep his password for all accounts.
We had already come to those agreements before you replied…I guess everyone’s relationship is worth saving but mine. Thank you for the input. Smh, I don’t want to throw him out. And the funny thing is he never ever did this until I agreed to marry him after nearly two years of him asking. I knew not to accept that ring. It’s always an omen of the end.
Brit,
Wow, you must be completely shocked by this.
If you’re asking for my personal opinion, this sounds too alarming to ignore. If I were you I would postpone the wedding until he went to counseling and solve his problems (because he obviously has different ideas about monogamy than you…)
In any case, I would start with him signing the post-affair agreement shown in this post:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/restore-the-trust/
Again, I would be very careful about marrying this guy, even if you really love him. You’re not married yet, and you don’t have children, so you can still relatively easily avoid a possible mistake that would change your entire life and future.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s heart breaking.
Lisa
My fiance proposed to me Christmas of 2014. Yesterday morning I find what I was always told was his work phone lying on the nightstand and a message popped up… Well, I know his password. I opened it and found where he has been having not one but two affairs. When I confronted him, he admitted everything… Well, I thought everything… I called one of the girls and she said she gave him oral sex. He swears this didn’t happen. And the other one he talked about certain sex acts. I told him to leave… But he cried and begged me to let him stay. He’s a tough firefighter guy and crying isn’t his thing. So I want to believe him. We just paid for our wedding, wedding rings and honey moon last week… Do I throw away our previously happy life or give him a second chance???
Gracie,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Here’s my post about how to use marriage separation to save your marriage.I hope it helps:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
My husband of 14 years recently admitted after he had an affair with his co worker and he also said he thinks he fell in love with her. We have four children. Three daughters and one son. Our son is only 10mths old. I found out he had been lying to me about a year ago when I found him at a bar with a co worker, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I was crushed and devastated that he had lied to me saying he was with his friend. Turned out he was with her. After that I would ask him to stay away from her and he would say they were just friends and they talked and nothing has happened. I ended up finding deleted texts from her, emails where he left secret admirer notes in her car. I asked her to leave my husband alone and she said she would but never did. He left the house when our baby was three months old. He would say because I argued all the time with him and my arguments were because he would lie to me and he pulled away from me emotionally. He was differnt with me. After being away for five months he admitted he had sex with her and he thinks he fell in love with her. I was very upset and sad all over again. How could he have done that to me and our family. I expect him to be on his knees asking for forgiveness but he doesn’t. He still goes to work every day and sees her and it kills me. It’s been two weeks since he was honest with me and he doesnt want me to bring it up anymore and he says get over it. I told him I don’t want for him to love her anymore and he says its going to take time. He doesn’t show me any affection or he doesn’t say he loves me. What do I do??? I asked him to leave the house and he wants to come by to see the kids all the time but as for me he doesn’t seem to care for me at all.
I started to feel lost, lost as do I stay or go, but after reading this, my marriage deserves another chance. THANK S
Wellmy husband of 16 years had a 10 month affair I recently caught him in a few months ago. Total shock to everyone. Literally the least likely guy to cheat everyone thought. When I told a friend
We we’re
No longer together she assumed he died! We we’re that couple. The one no one expects to ever have problems. The biggest shocker- he had no remorse. None. Not even an im
Sorry for the first few weeks. Looked at me in hysterics and suffering and said cruelly and hatefully “just get over it.” So completely unlike him I thought he was on drugs- he wasn’t. Packed his things told me go for a divorce, the standard I love you but I’m
Just not in love with you line, we we’re together too long, I gained weight after our kids (so did you pal!!) I nagged, she understood him ,he cared for her more then me, he wasn’t attracted to me anymore (guess how attractive lying cheating and abandoning your kids is?) we didn’t have enough date nights (the ones I tried to set up & he was
Never interested in) he could finally be himself with her, she excited him I was boring (this from a grown man whose idea of a good time is playing video games) she excited him sexually ( I was always the one with the higher sex
Drive) basically anything he could think
Of to blame me and avoid all responsibility and walked out on me and our kids. Just left. No sorry no hugging his kids.didnt say he loved them. It was and is insane. Lies and lies followed. All he did was lie. Constantly saying it was over then id find texts proving it wasn’t. Told me he didn’t think he needed to cut the whore (10 years my senior!) out of his life! Refused counseling. Bought a new cell phone to call her with so I couldnt see on our family plan while a family member had to help me
Buy Xmas
Gifts for my children because he just didn’t care. Financially ruined us. Stopped
Paying bills. Opened
His own checking acct so I had no
Money. Finally she dumped him then he wanted to magically make our marriage better. But kept lying. Won’t
Tell the truth about any of it. Nothing he says makes sense or logically lines up. He told me
They planned To leave their
Spouses and stay together. Then he says I was never really going to leave you for her! Um you actually DID!!! He’s insane with his denials justifications and excuses. Tells me the 8 supposed months of texting and phone
Calls naked photos sexts wasn’t cheating until he actually had physical sex with her! Still gaslighting me trying to make
Me feel crazy and paranoid. Says he admitted everything when he hasn’t told me anything I didn’t find out on my own. No transparency no openness at all. Now he wants our marriage to be better then before-The same marriage he had said he thought was happy. I was the one who had been trying for years for more excitement couple time romance again.he acted like it just wasn’t his way and I settled for that excuse. Then he went and acted that way with someone else. I was devastated. He still hasn’t gone to counseling yet. Promises every week he’ll call for an appt. Still works with her though not same
Dept. Supposedly doesn’t talk to her any longer but I’m moving on. He’s so incredibly selfish he still barely sees his kids twice a month for an hour. (he was a devoted dad before never missed anything) tries to blame me the kids. No remorse even now. Regret for his own discomfort I see but no remorse. When I was trying to save my
Marriage I poured out hurt like a river and the man never cried never looked sad or said much of anything. Just felt nothing for
Me at all. It’s creepy. The pain he caused his wife of 16 years does not affect him in any way. He just stares at me and says it’s time I “give a little” and put it behind me! I gave 16 years of my life!!! No apologies just I made a mistake let it go. And I am letting go. Of my marriage and the dead weight. I’m taking care of me for once doing my own counseling and building a new life for me and my kids. I never thought this could happen to me. He’s a stranger to me now. Glad reconciling works for some. The husbands who actually feel their wives pain and have remorse
For what they did. Everything you describe is everything I expected my husband to do. I am
Shocked by the man
He is now. He became a monster.
My situation is one where my husband has been looking at porn and “chatting” with other women for the entirety of our marriage. I’d confront him, he’d beg forgiveness, say he’d never do it again, and I’d believe him. Until evidence that he had continued in it smacked me in the face yet again. This cycle has been happening for years. No physical cheating, but I think that’s due to a lack of self esteem on his side. But recently, I threatened to leave, after I phished him on a messaging app, just to see how far he’d go. Manipulative of me, I know. That’s not my style, but I just had to know. So I threatened to leave, although it wasn’t so much a threat as it was a reality. He begged my forgiveness, put some monitoring devices on his computer and phone so he can’t look at the porn (which is easy to get around, mind you), and “deleted” kik and said he’d never ever do that again. Well. Less than three weeks later, I find emails where he’s responding to ads on craigslist for women who are looking for text/sexting buddies. I’m waiting until the holidays are over, but I’m beyond shocked at this. I shouldn’t be, considering his past. I didn’t want to expect this, but better judgement says I should have. I don’t even know where to go from here. He’s lost all trust and respect with me. I plan on talking to a few people in my life, asking for their advice. Divorce is a terrifying option and children are involved. But I need to do what’s best for me. Any thoughts on this one? Thanks!
Sam,
I can understand how you feel and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Many women would throw him out to the curb a long time ago but I think you really love him, you don’t want to break up the family for the sake of the children and deep inside you know that he can’t really control this, because it’s an addiction.
It’s an addiction just like drug addiction and alcoholism, no different.
The only way for him to get out of this is to get therapy and treatment, just like with alcohol and drug addiction.
You can demand that he does this, and does is all the way until he is cured from it. I’m guessing that it wasn’t an option up until now because you haven’t mentioned it.
If he agrees and starts right away, it would be the first time that some serious action is being taken to save your marriage. It can stop the lying, the hiding behind your back.
It’s clear that he can’t control this and I think that he really doesn’t want to do this, just like any drug addict that wishes he was clean, but can’t help but take drugs again.
I hope this helps and hang in there, no matter what you do, it’s the right thing. You can’t go wrong, everything that happens, happens for the best.
Lisa
AC,
First of all, the fact that he agrees to be fully transparent and accepts your ongoing questions and suspicion are VERY GOOD signs that he really wants to stop doing what he does and really wants to be fully committed to your marriage.
But now you have to overcome the constant obsessive thoughts. I have a post that I think will help you, about how to prevent your husband from cheating, check it out here (and I hope it helps!):
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-keep-your-husband-from-cheating/
My world was recently rocked “again”. In 2008, I discovered my husband had advertised on a “fling” website (casual sex hook up). When I confronted him he immediately went into denial/blame mode. But then he took responsibility. He admitted that He was the problem; not me. He sincerely apologized; removed himself from the site and we began to rebuild our marriage. We began to talk more; our sex life improved; and we both said our marriage was 100 times better. However, recently I discovered that he had answered a “casual encounter” ad on Craigs List. Once again I confronted him; but this time I told him that HE had the problem not me because I know I’ve been doing everything I can to bring good to our marriage. Like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar, my husband was defensive at first; but then He came to me accepting responsibility. He asked me to forgive him. He says he doesn’t know why he does it. I told him he has a God sized void in his heart that only Jesus Christ can fill (he’s agnostic). He says he doesn’t believe as I do which makes it hard at times. He says he considered it flirting, but I quickly told him No, it wasn’t. He assures me that he’s never been physical with anyone…but honestly I’m not at the point of believing him.
He did allow me to put a restriction code on his cell phone and install accountability software on his computer. He’s transparent with me; and when I bring up questions he doesn’t get angry or defensive. Instead, he says he understands why I still question and he says he’ll continue to be open and honest with me. I do believe he loves me; however, I’m now on pins and needles, wondering if and when he’ll do it again. I’m not sure how to move on. I mean, 6 years ago, I thought we HAD moved on. By the way, this May will be our 23rd wedding anniversary. Any advice is appreciated.
So sorry! So sad how more and more we see this kind of behavior from men whom can simply choose to cheat and crest a fantasy elsewhere thank to make those fantasies real at home with their wives. How selfish they are! But to all who are going through anything like this… If your husband is willing to fight and you know this (deep inside) we all know! We just choose to ignore it! Don’t throw your marriage away until you try everything to save it! Don’t let pride get in the way! It’s hard no matter which way we go, if we stay in th marriage, we have to rebuilt everything and swallow out pride. If we choose to end it, we don’t know where and with whom we will end up & later on we can be going through the same thing with the next husband. We’ve invested too much time just to walk away from it. Don’t allow any cheap slut ruin what took you to create! It will be hard but what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger! That’s what we already know that it will not kill us! So If we try and we fail, then we walk away in peace knowing we tried and we will not be left with “What if I had tried? What if I had given him another chance?” Only after trying we will know and then that’s when things will fall into place! Always remember you are not going through this alone! There’s many of us actively going through this everyday. We just have to walk with head up high and trust that things will end up the way they need to!
I read this to my husband. I won’t let what I helped build be destroyed so easily. You are very wise, thank you for writing just what I needed to hear.
Hope that by now you are doing a little better. We will continue to have good and bad days but we will continue to fight til the end. One day at a time. Just try to remember things could always be worse and this is a wake up call for us to bring us something better down the line so we must keep going to get there and see what it is. One day we will look back and we will say to ourselves, “wow! I survived that!” We are warriors and no cheap whore will destroy us! No matter what happens we will learn, win and get stronger from this! For now let’s keep pushing towards our happiness, it may take time but we will get there!
I love this very practical post! Thank you for dealing honestly and realistically, with such a sensitive and (potentially) controversial topic.
Yes, sometimes reconciliation is simply not possible, and no amount of trying by the innocent spouse is going to change that fact. Too often, well-meaning Christian friends advise toward always trying to reconcile, but unless some definite boundaries are drawn, defended, and respected, it won’t work. I know from experience…
God bless!
Stopping in from Messy Marriage. I like your outline here. For me, the only things – the BIG thing missing is God. When spouses put their priorities over the other spouse and above God, things like this happen. People start to think of themselves first. Your theories are great, but without grace, mercy, unconditional love, forgiveness, and giving blessings instead of curses, anger can win unless we have God in our life. Can I recommend Two Becoming One for anyone going through any type of marital struggle or even if you want to grow closer in your marriage. You will learn things that will draw you closer than you ever thought possible. You have many of the right steps here, but need a little more…check into Two Becoming One.
Blessings and so glad to find your blog. Great Stuff!
I would add to your list – “forgiveness”. Just the way each of us has been forgiven, we are to forgive. I visited from Messy Marriage this morning.