When I found out my husband had a 6 month affair with his coworker, I was so angry I could chew through steel.
How could he do this to me? To us? To our family? And most importantly – WHY? Why did my husband have an affair? Why do men have affairs?
I had to know. Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this? Does it mean he doesn’t love me at all? How can he love me and still do this to me?
My shock and anger turned into sadness, despair and my self-esteem evaporated.
I felt like my whole life was one big lie.
In a pathetic attempt to regain control, I became obsessed with finding out the reason for men to have affairs. This is what I found and I want to share with you.
Why Do Men Have Affairs?
If you want to understand why your husband was unfaithful, you have to be strong. You have to be prepared that the answer – the real answer – may somewhat surprise you.
And it takes guts and strength to take an honest look at your relationship, without filters (and without accusations).
These are the possible reasons your husband cheated. Notice that they have one thing in common:
Cheaters cheat because they have the FALSE notion that going outside the relationships will solve their problems or fulfill their needs.
1. Your relationship used to make him feel special. It doesn’t anymore (NOT your fault)
2. He used to be sexually satisfied in your relationship. Now he feels you don’t want him to touch you and that sex is a chore for you (Again, not your fault).
3. He has never learned to honor boundaries. He knows they are there, but he has little hesitation stepping over them. If this is the case with your husband, you probably noticed this a long time ago, even before you were married.
4. He is a thrill seeker, who can’t pass up on the opportunity to get a thrill. An affair is a big temptation and he has probably cheated more than once.
5. He has low self-esteem and feels unappreciated at home, so he looks for someone out of the marriage to “care for him”. This feeds his ego.
6. He feels neglected and unloved. His needs, whether they are sexual, romantic or just his “need” to hang out with his friends twice a week. It could be any kind of “need”.
7. He “loves you but not in love with you“. This is not a real reason of course, it’s a justification he gives himself to cheat with a clear conscience.
This sentence is actually a code for something else. It’s a sign of a real and severe relationship breakdown and the result of a “chronic” troubled marriage.
Did you know?
But it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore. He may be unaware of his feelings right now.
How many of these “reasons” apply to your husband? Only one? Maybe two or three?
Your wounded ego and broken heart scream with rage right now. HIS needs? HIS emotions? HIS self-esteem?
What about MY needs? My emotions? I do everything for him and for this family and I never cheated! And this is how I get rewarded? Stabbed in the back with his lying and cheating?
You are completely justified to feel like this.
But it’s time to put this question, which may be haunting you for months – behind you for good.
Why All of This Doesn’t Even Matter
It doesn’t matter because it’s not the real reason anyway. It’s just a justification.
A marriage is a promise of fidelity, no matter what. What ever his “reason” was, it’s NOT your fault.
You couldn’t have prevented it because your husband doesn’t understand that relationship problems should be solved INSIDE the relationship and not OUTSIDE of it.
The unmistakable and harsh truth is that no matter how “perfect” you thought your relationship was – it WASN’T.
A slow process has begun, who knows how long ago, that led to a breakdown in communication.
This breakdown was ignored, or unnoticed and untreated. With time, it poisoned your marriage and led to this crisis.
This does NOT necessarily mean that your marriage is over. That you will never trust him again, that he will never change. Kick these negative thoughts to the curb.
If he shows real regret and seeks your forgiveness, this affair could turn out to be the perfect storm in your marriage.
If you take the right steps to healing yourself (first) and your marriage (next), you may wake up one morning to a rebuilt and renewed marriage, with complete transparency, intimacy and love – More than ever before.
I am a living proof that it’s possible.
But how do you get there? And what exactly should you do right now?
Well, this is where I started my healing process (when I just couldn’t afford counseling). It turned out to be ALL that I needed to save my marriage. What about you? Where will you start? Will you get help? on time? It’s up to you.
Rooting for ya,
What do you think? Why did your spouse cheat?