Imagine that your husband comes home late from work – Every day.
He always has excuses and he always promises to get home on time tomorrow – but then he doesn’t. Again.
What would you say to him?
“You never want to spend time with me, all you care about is your job!”
Or:
“Honey, I know your job is very demanding, but I really miss you and sometimes I get so lonely here”.
Be honest for a minute. With yourself. What would you have said?
The cold hard truth: The most loving couples can’t “survive” for long without learning exactly how to communicate with each other.
Unfortunately, Communication problems in marriage are like cancer. Left untreated, they will eventually grow and kill your relationship.
- Do you fight a lot with your husband? Communication problems.
- Do you feel like your husband doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t care about issues that are important to you? Do you feel like he doesn’t “see you”? Communication problems.
- Does your husband ignore you? Is he mean to you? Did he cheat on you? Communication problems.
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How to Deal with Your Communication Problems
Sadly, though lack of good communication is the number 1 cause for ANY divorce, few people have the knowledge and skills (yes, it’s a skill!) to communicate with each other and especially in marriage.
Believe it or not, marriage doesn’t have to be such hard “work” as it often feels, if you only acquire the right knowledge and learn the right way to communicate with your spouse.
The Right Way vs. The Wrong Way to Talk to Your Partner
I can assure you one thing: Knowing (and practicing) the right way to talk to your spouse will make him eat from the palm of your hand.
The wrong way will push him away and gradually exterminate your relationship.
The Wrong Way
Source: Uploaded by user via HappyHousewife7 on Pinterest
If you want your partner to run away in the opposite direction, while taking his love for you with him, insult his ability to provide and to help.
Men have a deep, internal, biological drive to provide. Yes, even if your husband is unemployed for months, this drive exists in him.
In the modern world, where men don’t have to go hunt the next meal anymore, this translates in the work they do and the ability to take care of their family.
When you say things like:
we could go out much more if you made more money
or:
I do everything around the house and you never help me with anything
you never spend time with me, work always comes first with you
You strike hard at his ability to provide – financially, emotionally or otherwise.
This ultimately pushes him away and the chances of him sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings with you, are reduced to zero.
Don’t get me wrong here. You are RIGHT to complain about all of these things, you are right to bring it up and tell him these things that really hurt you.
But it’s the way that you say it, that shows if you know how to communicate with your husband or not. It will determine the rise or the fall of your marriage.
Did you know?
The Right Way to Communicate
If your husband is like 99.9% of human beings, he will respond to praise and positive messages, right?
If you want to pull him closer to you, help him feel successful by emphasizing what he is doing RIGHT, especially in the “providing” department. This will immediately open his heart and open his ears to listen to what you really want to say.
For example, instead of saying this:
You never spend time with me, all you care about is your job
you can say this:
I know that you work hard to provide for us. I know you spend a lot of time at work because you want to take care of us as much as you can. But sometimes I feel lonely here. I miss you and would be so happy if we could spend more time together.
Do you see the difference?
You’ll be shocked by the results.
This is not manipulation. This is communication knowledge, based on understanding human nature.
Compliment his ability to provide. His ability to help. And he will open his heart and finally listen to any OTHER thing you have to say.
Help him feel successful and he will go out of his way to please you MORE.
This was just one example of the right way to talk to your spouse. Other certain skills you must learn if you want to save your marriage are necessary.
Yes, I’m talking about saving your marriage from a slow and painful death.
Don’t ignore and neglect. Don’t let the “marriage cancer” spread any further. You can do this, one baby step at a time. I promise.
Start with this free marriage assessment and email series – I can’t recommend it enough.
What about you? what’s your biggest obstacle when trying to communicate with your husband?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
Great post. But my husband is a yeller that is why i just hate arguing coz it just hurts me i don’t like being yelled. He is incapable of containing his anger. A surprise he still haven’t committed physical abuse towards me. Hurts me very much coz i love him and i would do anything for him.
My husband seems truely devoid of human emotion. He has walked out on me 8 times n each time he has dated other women. I always took him back bcuz i loved him but the last time my feelings changed. He had an emotional affair with a co worker that hurt me more than the sexual affairs he has had. I beleive he was in love with her and i cant seem to move past that to 4give him. He is and always has been emontionaly distant with everyone in his life. He does not see beyond his own needs and happiness. Im tired of living this way and would b more content living alone. I have a divorce on hold bcuz he wanted to work on r marriage but does not make much effort. He is a liar n says whatever is needed at the time to benefit himself. I dont think he was sorry 4 any pain he caused me when he left and im sure he only came back bcuz his life was a mess n he was miserable. He dated another woman 1 week after he left me. I spent 2 months in bed crying but then i pretty much got it 2gether and was very content with us being apart. It seemed the happier i became the mire miserable he became n i think he only came back bcuz it bothered him that i had moved on n was happy. We have been married 17 yrs 15 at the time of r split. Im not sure i love him anymore. He told many lies about me during this separation n that stil bothers me. He only screams an apology at me when we argue. Hes never sat down n sincerely apologized 4 his actions. R marriage was not perfect b4 this happened but we never fought like we do now and i did trust him then. Now i do not and we fight constantly. Im thinking about going back 2 work and moving out. I have so many resentments toward him i dont see any other option as he flat out refuses 2 accept any respinsability in the total breakdown if r marriage. Any thoughts?
I think that if his behavior keeps repeating itself than yes, I would try to move on, and concentrate on finding someone who has all the qualities that I’m looking for.
What about if you, the wife, are the breadwinner and are working your ass off to make enough money to support you both, and its the husband who is being passive aggressive, not giving any love, doesnt communicate and shows zero appreciation for everything you are doing. What happens then?
I understand how you feel, and I know this may not make you feel any better, but from the outside it’s easy to see why he behaves like this: He doesn’t like where he is. He doesn’t like being helpless and dependant on you. He is probably depressed and suffers from very low self esteem right now. He is just trying a twisted way to get his power back. He feels so bad that he no choice but to spit it out on someone else – and you are the closest one to him.
I would try making a list of his positive aspects and see how you feel after. Try to see him the way he really is (remember when you were in love?) and ignoring the way he is now. Because it’s not the real him, it’s the really depressed him, and I assure you that this is only temporary. Take your focus off the probelm and it will dissappear.
I think that your husband is lying because he is lying to himself too. I may be wrong but from what you’ve written I think he is gay. And he knows it. And you know it.
I don’t think you have to wait for another reasons to kick him out – You have plenty of them. But the main reason is not the cheating or the anger that you must let go of (for your sake) but that he is gay.
And he can’t stay married to you if he is gay.
You can separate in good terms, he can finally tell you the truth about his sexual desires and why he has been lying to you this entire time and it’s your chance to become real friends for the sake of your children.
I think it’s the only option in your case. Your kids would be much better off with 2 parents that live separately but are good friends and honest with each other, than with two parents living together and hating each other.
Just my 2 cents and I’m no expert, but I think you know deep in your heart the right thing to do.
I wish you all the best,
Lisa
I met my husband when I was 18 years old. I am only 24 we have been married for six yearsand have two children together. when I was 6 months pregnant with my first child he cheated on me with a transexual and also a couple of gay men. it was really embarrassing going there to the doctors office at 9 months pregnant when he cheated on me again and this time I received an STD, which thank goodness was curable, the thoughts and embarrassment though that I felt as I walked into the doctors office and she asked me if I knew how I got that with a smirk on her face and spite in her voice and I could tell that she thought that I was stupid for not leaving is still with me til this day. but I also had nowhere to go and no one to help me I had to deal with it on my own.5 years later after dealing with everything by myself and being cheated on several more times, I went through depression, suicidal attempts, a lot of insecurities, and everything that comes along with it including a nearly amputated finger when he slammed the door and my finger accidentally got caught and made my depression a lot worse. That was 2 years ago. until this day I cannot move my finger or curl or bend it is justice all day long and sometimes it still brings the pain. I honestly think that this is when he decided to change but here’s the thing, now he has turned into a perfect husband and I am tired and sick of him and have had enough to the point where I feel that everything that comes out of his mouth is just a lie. what do I do? I do not feel that is fair. He wanted to screw around and he still came home every day from work expecting the perfect family the perfect wife and the perfect kids, I do not think that he deserves it. don’t get me wrong, I’m not angry anymore and I admit sometimes I still have my insecurities where I lash out and I am still working on it. But I no longer have my box of suicidal thoughts my depression has been a lot better but it took a lot of work and has been 5 years but these thoughts will never go away I know they wont. I am on the verge of I no longer care what he does and I’m waiting for him to do it again so I have the reason to leave and he knows this and that is why he started tk change- because I made it very clear to him that I am waiting for a reason to kick his ass out the door. so, what can I do to change my attitude? I used to care a lot I used to be a very sweet caring person I always thought about everybody else first, and now I found that I just can’t believe one word that comes out of his mouth. and I am pretty hateful and spiteful now towards him in my head although I put on a good aact, he g is gusts me. I don’t know where he’s been. He’s put me through enough.. he tells me now he wonders what happened to the girl that he used to know, and he says he knows he is the reason for me being like this and he is very sorry and I just laugh out loud because I find that laughable. the problem is I don’t care anymore,in fact i found it. I quit caring about most things, what can I do to better myself for this relationship and save it for my kids?
Audrey,
I think it may sound weird to you, or even make you angery at me…but…I think that he feels that you expect something in return, and if he does, the whole thing doesn’t seem honest and true to him, but a manipulation to “get” something from him (in this case – reciprocal appreciation).
I would try to keep doing what you do, but without expecting anything in return (even a thank you), while being content and proud that you are the one that’s doing the right thing. The loving thing.
I think that if you manage to do that, it will finally get through to him, like water hitting on a rock over and over again until they make a hole in it…
And without controlling it, or even being aware of it, it will change something in him, that will surface and be communicated to you.
At least it’s what I think…
I hope this help and I wish you the best,
Lisa
Great advise but I have been complimenting my husband daily for a month now and he has made hardly any effort to open up more and sometimes he doesn’t even bother saying thank you…
I’ve asked him why he doesn’t compliment me back and he said that he is not good at writing poems etc. Even after explaining that its not about writing poems etc but rather showing appreciation for the small things we tend to take for granted after being married for so long (14 years), he still doesn’t attempt to return a compliment…
What to do?
Audrey,
A slight adjustment for you to consider.
Some time when you two are in the kitchen or passing by each other, just ask your hubby in a gentle and kind way, Hey (your pet name for him or his own name), tel me something you like about the way I dress (or laugh, or speak with other people, or help other people, etc.) .
To get his creative juices flowing you may have to prime the pump a bit. When you ask about how you wear your clothes or your hair or makeup, you give him a target to aim for. You are also giving him a specific place to look.
Hope it helps!
http://www.JerryStumpf.com/blog
Oh – yes – I agree! Encouragement. Support. Love. Manipulation is when you don’t believe what you’re saying. How awesome and loving it is when you DO mean what you say!
Good post today
I totally agree with your words.
It is so important that we all start to understand, that the saying “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” is justified. And for this we need to be more aware of ourselves. Thank you for the post.