“I can’t remember the last time my husband actually listened to me when I talked to him.
Or the last time he called me during the day. The last time he asked me how my day was, joked around with me, or bothered to tell me things about his life (before his friends).”
It feels like my husband completely ignores me. I feel neglected and ignored.
Why does he act like this? And what can I do to change this?“
I felt I had to answer this reader question on my blog, especially because I get the “why my husband ignores me” questions all the time. And this situation is sometimes a sign that your husband wants a divorce.
Being Ignored By Your Husband Can Be Very Painful
Do you feel invisible when your husband ignores you?
(👉 By ignoring I don’t mean giving you the silent treatment. If that’s your situation, here’s how to handle the silent treatment – with dignity)
Do you find yourself upset, humiliated, and depressed about it, wondering why and how it happened and if your marriage is on the brink of divorce?
Do you feel that talking to your husband is like talking to a brick wall and that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying?
I know you’re at loss, but you’re not alone.
You won’t believe how many marriages suffer from this passive-aggressive pattern.
The good news is that no matter the reason your husband intentionally disregards you – you have the power to change it, faster than you can imagine.
You can get his full attention back. You can get his love and affection back. And you can become his #1 priority again.
Stick with me and you’ll learn how (there’s even a checklist for you below!)
Why Does My Husband Ignore Me?
Ignoring is a passive-aggressive way of dealing with a chronic relationship problem.
When your husband ignores you, no matter if it’s all the time or just after arguments, he is trying to avoid and run away from a problem instead of dealing with it and solving it.
(It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore!)
So he spends all day at work, way more than he really needs to. Or he locks himself in a room playing X-Box or watching who-knows-what on the computer.
You want a deeper emotional connection, more intimacy in your marriage – to feel loved, appreciated, valued, acknowledged, and understood.
When you try to talk to him about it, he gives you lame excuses and ignores your feelings altogether.
Ignoring is always a result of marriage communication problems. And, not knowing how to communicate with each other is the #1 cause of any marital crisis.
What To Do When Your Husband Ignores You
The secret underlying problem is that men and women communicate differently.
For example, even the word “love” means something significantly different to you and your spouse.
For you, love may mean appreciation, unconditional acceptance, and help around the house.
For him, love may mean giving him the freedom to do what he wants (this is just an example).
You can’t communicate if you speak English and he speaks french.
So, the first step to take is to start speaking the same language.
The first step is finding out, maybe for the first time, what an emotional connection means to you – vs. him.This little exercise could be a life-changing experience for both of you.
I recommend that you download Dr. Huizenga’s free emotional connection checklist, which is the beginning of a new language for your marriage – the language of love – which is universal.
Here’s a screenshot of one of the pages in the checklist (to be filled by you and your spouse):
It’s completely free, and you’ll get the instructions straight to your inbox.
This will inspire a new vision and language for a deeper emotional connection between you and your spouse.
So… take a deep breath, and begin…slowly.
How To Make Your Husband Stop Neglecting You
Making your husband stop ignoring you is all about communication. Does he ignore you – unless he wants something?
The key to getting a man to listen to what you say and open up to you is to understand HIM before you talk about YOU.
I know, annoying advice. You already feel like he has all the power and you always have to understand him while he doesn’t make a tiny effort to do the same?
Your ego screams.
It’s completely normal.
But I’ll tell you why it’s the key to solving your problems: because this is the way to get everything you ever wanted from him.
Let’s say your husband spends all his time working, or locked up with the computer and has no desire in spending any time with you.
One day you try to talk to him about it, and this is usually how the conversation goes:
And this is where useless arguments start, or he just leaves the room and runs away from the conversation and both of you end up highly frustrated.
Now, here’s the little-known secret:
In order to be understood, you have to first understand.
In other words, you have to show your man that you understand his situation first before you expect him to understand yours.
When you do that (talking about his needs first), you’ll get it back ten times over. He will instantly cater to your needs, without any resistance.
Can I suggest the right way to do this?
When you are willing to give while you communicate, before you expect to get anything back, you can make your husband do anything you want from him.
You can turn a difficult situation into an easy one, by just making a few adjustments to your words.
It’s simple, and it works.
👉 If you are feeling neglected and unheard in your marriage, you are not alone. Taking the first step towards healing and improving your relationship is crucial. Don’t wait any longer, take advantage of this free marriage help from marriage counselor Mort Fertel!
What If Your Husband Ignores You Sexually?
When your spouse shows no interest in a physically intimate relationship, that’s a bit of a red flag.
Men are biologically “built” to show their love and affection in a sexual way, and his being uninterested in you sexually could either mean that you’re in the middle of a fight, that he is depressed, or that he may be cheating.
If you are worried about him being unfaithful, you can check the 8 signs of emotional cheating and what to do about it.
When your husband constantly ignores you, your marriage is in serious trouble.
When communication disappears for a long period of time, intimacy and friendship can be lost forever.
But there are simple ways to completely reverse the situation.
Most of us rely on pure luck or chance and hope that things will somehow get better with time…
The truth, however, is that it won’t unless you do something to change this situation now before it’s too late.
Rooting for ya,
👉 Read: How to save your marriage alone (when only you are trying)
99 thoughts on “My Husband Ignores Me: Why and What Should I Do?”
I’m horrified this was written by a woman. That is emotional abuse & why should a wife break her back & soul trying to satisfy his pathetic ego. Do you hear it “What did I do wrong”, “why doesn’t he find me attractive”, “If only I was a better wife”. This husband has left his role & biblical expectations as a husband in gods eyes & should be kicked to the curb. Does this sound like cherishing your wife??
That’s exactly what I thought! My husband ignores me all the time but always has time for his friends or texts on his phone. Very frustrating! Plus he’s in his room playing XBox for hours every day and does practically nothing to help me with the kids. I’m at home not working either to take care of our special needs son during this pandemic. I understand our husbands might be busy with work and being wonderful providers but women need an emotional connection with their husbands too not just their income. I feel lonely and disconnected from my husband a lot of the time. It sucks.
My husband and I have been married 11 years. I work from home as an ESL teacher but my classes have gone down a lot, so my husband has been the bread winner for thr both of us.
But when he comes home, he’ll give me a kiss and go to his computer, work more and focus his attention on the tv or his phone.
I dont speak to him as much because every time I ask him a simple question, like what he would like to eat or a question about stocks he speaks back to me like I’m annoying him.
He doesnt even sit on the couch with me when we are watching tv. Quality time with me means just sitting in front of the tv and watching movies and getting something from a restaurant to eat.
Before I came upstairs he asked me what was wrong. I told him in a nice way and all he answers back with is OK, and that’s it. Nothing else.
He always comments about my weight too and I tell him that it hurts my feelings but he still does it.
That’s neglect & selfishness. Make a choice to stay or start over. Don’t be a fool ,& expect change.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
I guess we are on same board. My husband is also the only bread earner. Earlier his excuse for not giving me time was to earn enough money. But now due to covid he works really less. Still he has no time for me. Like if I want to sit on the same couch he would prefer to sit with others. He loves watching movies but alone if I say to him to watch with me, he would lose his interest. Sexually he is not even interested no matter how hard I try. If I stop talking to him he never even asks the reason behind it. If i try to tell the reason he completely ignores it. After he sees that I am avoiding him as well he would say that he loves me thats it no more talk nothing more. I once asked him about his lack of interest in sex he said he doesn’t like me physically due to weight and he does sex once a while only when he really wants to do. I really don’t know what to do…
I was in a situation like that for 20 years. Well, I was married for 20 years but at least 15 of them were just like that. If I broke down and cried and asked him why he ignored me he just stared at me and wouldn’t answer. He was so embarrassed by my weight after having babies that he would walk either in front of me or behind me. Well, the long story short is that I needed to feel better and my back always hurt so I lost 45 pounds and started doing yoga every day. In the meantime, I knew I needed a divorce so I quietly made my plan and found a place to move in to as well as packing as much money away as I could without cheating him. I didn’t want to take anything with me but my clothes and my dog. My two children were grown and out on their own. Well by now I looked better at age 42 than I did at age 22. So all of a sudden he’s all over me. But unfortunately, something inside me had shut down towards him years ago. When I left he told all my family members that he never saw it coming because according to him we had an amazing relationship. I spent 20 years with him. Probably only five of those years were good if that. Then I met the man of my dreams. Twenty one years later it’s still like the first day. Think hard about this. If you looked like he wanted you to to the point where he was attentive again wouldn’t kind of make you sick that he couldn’t love you when you were not at your best in his eyes? How does he look by the way? Also, do you get the feeling he’s got a girlfriend? Save yourself. He sounds like a supreme ass.
I just wanted to say this sort of thing happens to guys as well. It’s so strange that pretty much all my life I felt the worst possible situation would be to go through life alone, nobody to love or love you back. Due to unmentionable circumstances I lived that pretty much all my life until I met a beautiful and, at the time, the most genuinely loving woman I ever met. She saved my life, yet fast forward after 10 years of marriage I have watched our close intimate bond metamorphose into a practical carbon copy of a roommate situation. I can’t remember the last time when I felt her hand touch me in a way that suggested a promise of lovemaking or that we were still each other’s soulmate. I needed more than anything to be hugged yet I can count on the tips of my fingers how many times a month that happens, we used to be so affectionate physically and mentally, so all of this is heartbreaking. I don’t know how it got to this stage, when we still tell each other we love each other. I wish I could just spend a month like how we were and die with a sweet memory rather than go on like this. Part of me wishes I was never born to get a taste of a wonderful love only to suffer having it pulled away from you and constantly be reminded that it is so close within reach yet infinitely unobtainable. I know I am still alive because I can still cry, but I find myself crying less and less because I realize nothing will ever change.
I need some advice my husband and have had it very rough marriage the past almost 6years. He will go months without talking to me he’s not even living with me at the moment. But I’ve always told him I want to talk about my feelings and he says he wasn’t raised that way. So a couple months ago while he was ignoring me and other man started texting me and idk I felt good that someone was listening to me. So we continued to text. Last night my husband saw the texts after a wonderful day together and now wants nothing to do with me. Is this all my fault? Or am I the only one who feels good to get attention from a man. Mind you I never saw Im in person but my husband doesn’t believe me he thinks I’m screwing the guy. I’m just so lost now. My husband and I were finally happy again and I ruined it. Idk what to do! Help please!
You haven’t ruined anything in my opinion. You also haven’t done anything wrong. If I were you I would give him space, let him calm down and he will get back to his senses and come talk to you once he is back to his senses. Just stay confident and know your worth, and he’ll feel it.
I would suggest thinking about how you would feel if your husband was texting another woman. You’d feel very hurt and betrayed. That must be what your husband is feeling. That being said his lack of communication and lack of interest in you seems to be the issue. That’s what you are seeking. Can you tell him or leave him a note that explains being ignored and not spoken to for month is not only unbearable but also abusive. No on deserves to be treated like that. Maybe he’d agree to go to couples therapy so that he can understand how his treatment of you is destroying your marriage. In the meantime take care of yourself and try to stay engaged with friends and other family members who are supportive and kind to you. Don’t let his silent treatment hurt you – try to live your life and surround yourself with good and loving people.
the truth be told no matter what you do you you cant make anyone make you feel good in the long term its just not sustainable. Forget the husband forget the other guy, try out new stuff, go out,exercise treat give your self all the attention you need by yourself. We all love attention its totally normal but if we let it control us we wont be happy in the long run
So exercise and yoga are going to do what exactly?? What if one is handicap? How do they find their happiness?? Are these activities really your way to happiness and to enjoying life??
I read what to do above but why is it that we are supposed to cater to them I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong I’ve supported him I’ve been there for him I’m the one that pays all the bills I’m the supporter for everything I cook I clean and he gets to be an asshole because he is bipolar that’s just another excuse for treating somebody poorly as far as I’m concerned I’ve been married for almost 20 years and the last six have been horrible I’m ignored the only time I’m good enough is for Sex and Money he may not understand that’s how it comes off but it is I beg for his attention and I get made promises that things will change and it never does I’m ready to walk I’m ready to disappear with my fifteen-year-old and start over and leave everything behind everything I’ve worked for 15 years for I created a successful business by myself but I’m ready to walk and it’s really sad but I’m not sure that it even bothers me I don’t want anybody else I want somebody who actually loves me and wants to spend time with me and if that means it’s myself then I guess that’s the way it’s going to have to be I’m almost 50 years years old now our son is 15 he’s ignored him almost whole life too so he has no attachments to him either other than that it’s his dad and I just don’t think I can continue this anymore I’m scared of leaving and I’m scared of staying I feel like I don’t even have a life anymore my life revolves trying to beg for attention for my husband who is supposed to be my best friend and who was my best friend now hes everybody else’s best friend instead until it comes down to someone hurting him then he comes to me to support him as always I’ve always had his back and I’m the only one that has always had his back yet I’m the one that pays the price now tell me ladies what do I do. I’m imagining the next 10 years and the way things go anymore I’ll be lucky if you get that many years do I really want to keep living my life like this I’m so strong in other ways but with this I’m not.
Have you ever suspected that your husband might be high functioning on the Autism spectrum instead of or in addition to bipolar? I could be completely off base but it wouldn’t hurt looking into. I’m bipolar myself and my husband supports us…but despite my having followed instructions like the ones in this blog, nothing ever changes. My husband is on the spectrum, so I can’t expect for him to react to my grovelling by doing anything of the sort described here. Your comment just proved to me that this generalized advice like above just absolutely is NOT good advice for ALL situations. Yours and mine will most likely never be solved by giving our husbands everything we have to offer, hoping to get breadcrumbs in return. But you’re lucky that you have a healthy brain and good career, at least you’ll be able to take care of yourself. And you have your son. You have someone there for you. I’d ask him what he thinks and what he wants. Then you guys might not have dad, but you’ve got each other! Good luck, and don’t feel bad about not agreeing with this blog, I don’t agree also!
My husband suffers from depression and an anxiety. I have been struggling for a few years now with wanting to leave. I love him and we have a 13 year old daughter but I die a little every day when he barely even looks at me or says two words to me. Forget being interested in sex I would settle for a kiss or hug I don’t have to beg for. I feel like his mother doing the chores and caring for him with no affection or connect that should come from a romantic relationship/marriage.
I am stuck in the incredibly terrifying place where you wonder if you would be happier alone even if it’s hard or if it would be the biggest mistake of my life and feeling this way is better.
My husband works 3 nights a week, puts only £550 into the house. He sleeps for hours or watches TV. He is oblivious to my existance unless i wake him up and make his sandwiches for work. He never speaks to me first. In fact i would say my presents annoys him.
I do all the house work, all the shopping, all the gardening and all the bills plus brought up our 6 children being the only one to take them to school, help with homework, attend plays, sports day, parents evening, always alone.
We have a good sex life when he can be bothered and thats when he is pissed, my sex drjve has always been higher. He doesnt kiss me or hug me much at all and i always initualise it. He hasnt said I love you in about 5 months, thats sloppy as far as he is concerned. He is depressed with zero reason to be. I do everything, plus work 6 full days a week and dont get much sleep but i am patient, and dont nag ever, but i feel unloved. I dress nicely and make an effort, mark doesnt, he is like 80 year old not 50, i am in such a lonely marriage but i love him
So sorry I’m in similar situation… mine values only sex the rest doemt matter when he needs to have that is what he goes for and that’s it.. no other help or communication.. I do everything for my kids I have four and all things you said is done by me.. it’s sad…
it wont get better, im 51 this year it gets worse, hes 11 years older. if you can get out do it or you will be tied to the cretin forever till one of you dies like us x
Kala you made a great point. My husband is the exact same way. He is autistic and you just gave me a lightbulb moment. I am in college to be a psychologist and pray that i will get the chance to do some research on this. I hope your situation improves!
I left my country and grown family to be with hi. At first he was very engaging, but with time he stopped talking as much. Everyone is important but me. he spends hours oh the computer down loading music which I sit and wait like a fool. I cry in the shower because I refuse to let him she how much I hurt. I will not give him that satisfaction. It would not matter anyway. I don’t know what to do. Im not young anymore and starting over is a monumental task in my brain. BY the way I work and bring in my pension while he sits on the computer.
Have you told him how unhappy you are? It sounds like you think he is doing this on purpose? Why do you think he is? I would let him know what is what.
i am at my parents house from last 25 days for some reasons and recently my husband ignores me. He didn’t called me when i messaged him he always said i am busy sometimes he sawed messages but he didn’t reply. He talked to his parents but he don’t have time for me for a second. 6 months ago i got married. I am crying always but i don’t know what to do
Thank you dear. I’m really depressed. Sometimes I speak to him (at least I was thinking he was listening) he ran away in another room. Not like I was complaining. It was just I was telling some interesting matter. But he has no interest on my story. I just felt I’m just invisible. Just like no one in the house but a sex partner.
I want to write this for me I don’t mind who reads it but I’ve never wrote it down what I’m really feeling. I hide things from people and pretend I’m happy. My husband is my carer as I’m disabled we have two kids and on my own I couldn’t look after them. He had an affair nearlly 3 years ago before we had our second child. Beforr the affair I couldn’t talk to him he was always with his friends his xbox his football and his phone. I sat so many nights on my own in my room. Then he had his affair we went to councilling and worked it out things changed for a whole. We had our second daughter. She’s now 20 months old. Guess where I’m typingng this guess what he’s sat in front of? I confronted him before I wrote this. Asking why he can never spend a night with me. He told me he will book me in soon. Now I’m numb.
I’ve been living with my husband for three years before we married in 2014 we never argue or fight since this year he’s working as a whale watching tour guide. He went to work he finished at 5 but he stays as long as he wants to drink with his work mates. We have 2 kids whenever he comes home he go straight to his phone Internet for the rest of the evening before he goes to bed. If I ask him to do something he won’t do it even if it’s for our kids he still won’t do it. One night he came back from home and stay at the bar so I was thinking we would just go there and check him . I text him and call him but he never answer. So we went,when we get there one of our kids sleep and I put him to sleep in the car while we got off with our other kids and walk into bar . Whence I walk into the bar he was surprised to see me beca user he didn’t expect me and the kids to come to the bar. He was sitting next to a girl I give him our son and I told him to come outside with me. When we reach our car I ask him why you sit next to that girl at first he said she’s someone’s girlfriend. And on our way home I told him I think the girl likes you and this is what he said it’s my mom’s relatives he is my work mates cousin so she must be related to my mom. Isn’t that funny he’s trying to think of something to lie about as an excuse for sitting next to the girl. He shouted at me and he almost give me a bunch while I was driving. And I went silent from then on until late we reach home . Cos whenever he gets angry he’s gonna smash everything in our house . So I don’t want him to do that when we reach home cos we still live together with his parents. He went to sleep as soon as we reach home . I cried cos whenever I talk to him about something like this he’s gonna shout at me and smash everything in our house. He never replied to me nicely cos as an adult you talk about things calmly. But us in try talk to him but he never replied calmingly so what can I do to solve this
It sounds like he’s sleeping around, and getting abusive when you try and question him to keep you in line or from prying further.
I’ve tried wording it differently but he always says he’s too busy anyway.
I’ll ask him if he can book a particular day off work for something important (e.g. taking his dog to the vet or getting new carpets) and he’ll organise to do something else instead. If I ask him when his next days off are and ask if he wants to do something just the two of us he always say “I might be busy so will have to see what I’m doing” but if a friend or family member ask him if he wants to do something he books it months in advance. I feel like he’s not wanting to commit to spending time with me because a better offer might come along and he’ll want to do that instead. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to him about it but he insists there’s nothing wrong and he still wants to spend time with me but we hardly see each other now. I understand that he’s working hard but it’s all the time in between that he’d just rather avoid me and do anything else but spend time with me.
I completely agree with changing the way we speak to our spouses but it’s also a two way street. They spouse ignoring has to understand what they are doing. If one should change the way they communicate the other should as well. This tactic is helpful but it doesn’t at all help the fact the spouse feeling ignored still feels like they are having to make all the changes to make things right in the relationship. The spouse ignoring should also be capable to assume that their actions are taking a toll on the life of the relationship. I would only be able to change my communication for so long before I felt as if I’m the only one in the relationship trying to make things right and that’s no way to feel respected.
You are absolutely 100% right!
I will probably give this a go – eventually. I’m just so tired of being the only person to do/try anything to make things better. My hubby is just dense. I ask him to do things and then gets annoyed and upset if I remind him or ask if he DID do them and he hasn’t (mostly because he has every Sun and Mon off and nothing is open Sunday ie: dentist, banks, job opportunities, etc and so he really only has “1 day off” and I’m ‘ALWAYS’ asking him to do a bunch of ‘crap’ as he stated the other day and he just wants to enjoy his day off) and when I ask him to do things around the house he mostly, purposefully waits until it’s convenient for him – finishing a youtube video or waiting for a commercial break to do it and I usually can’t wait that long. “Throw me the baby wipes that are on the other end of the couch! The pack I have just ran out!” *as I have our two year old with his butt hanging in the air or “Throw me the binky! It’s right next to you!” But whenever I try to bring things up, he either ignores me completely and never looks up from the screen or I get halfway through my thought and realize he’s had his headphones on the whole time, but if I pull him from the screen he falls asleep faster than you can say Rip Van Winkle and that upsets me even more and I usually just leave him on the couch and go to bed alone. I know he loves me, but I don’t think I love him anymore. I know it’s a choice to fall out of love, but it is easier to remove my feelings from the equation than keep throwing them into the meat grinder. And on the off chance that we actually DO have a discussion, it is 90% of the time very productive and positive, but then nothing happens. He says he’ll work on things and that he is trying to change some behaviors, but the next day I usually wonder if our conversation was a dream because nothing ever changes. I would contemplate divorce, but we have started a family and I want as many kids as I can get and being a woman, having healthy babies comes with a timeline and I don’t want to risk losing the opportunity to have more children, to find somebody else only to start over again. And I’m not abused in ANY sense of the word, and I know many women who can’t say that so I know it could be worse, but I know it could be better too…………
Neglect is a form of abuse and don’t ever let the fact that some women are physically abused make you think you should ever tolerate neglect. You know you’re worth more than that. My husband admits and has acknowledged that he does neglect me, but still he asked this awful question during a particularly rage-filled outburst,”why are you unhappy that I neglect you when other women put up with way worse (i.e. Physical abuse?)’ I told him, “Because I think I’m worth more than that!” That shut him up instantly. Ha! Just so you know, you have the right to be respected and loved in a marriage, and if they’re neglecting that, they are literally breaking the oaths of marriage (and human decency in my opinion.) You have rights and needs. Stand up for them. If he doesn’t like it then he doesn’t deserve your love and respect!
This advice makes zero sense. My husband and I both work full time, so he ‘doesn’t work so hard to provide us with everything ‘! Far out! Happy days called, they want their lifestyle back !! I carry the mental load for our family, pay all our bills, keep on top of our finances, make all our social arrangers, do all the cooking, all the clothes washing, organise all the children’s activities….. and get met with a grunt and a husband who can’t look away from his phone. Screw that!
Other reasons your husband might be ignoring you:
You exploded at him repeatedly after your daughter’s death while he talked to the coroner, the funeral director, the police , the stonecutter, your priest, and when he asked your mother if she had had a good night’s sleep. These were obviously his fault and he was obviously enjoying doing them immensely.
You refused to help with flood repairs when you get hit with a flood a month after your daughter’s death. Criticize your husband for watching the repairs to the town’s roads and bridges, talking to neighbors about the flood and talking to the FEMA workers about repairs to your property.
Tell your husband how terrible a father he was to his deceased daughter. Tell him she was his least favorite child. Argue with him when he disagrees, proving your case by mentioning a time – once – when he didn’t say hello to her.
Refuse to talk about your deceased daughter, and get upset with your husband if he mentions her name.
Insist that she was murdered, even though there was no evidence at all of any foul play.
Now you’ve created an environment where your husband fears you and is avoiding you.
Leave this terrible father behind with your surviving children with 3 hours notice in a rage, blaming him for everything, and never speak to him (or your kids) again.
That’ll teach him.
Sounds like you have had very terrible circumstances and are trying to be a good spouse. Trust me, few of us (hopefully none of us) has treated our husbands the way you have been treated. That’s why we are so confused about what we did to get this treatment. I’m so sorry if this has been your life too—you don’t deserve that and please accept my sympathy and empathy for the loss of your precious daughter and (sounds like) marriage. I pray you will heal and find love again. .
with full respect and compassion for those who are legitimately and inappropriately being ignored, can I respectfully suggest that, perhaps in a few cases here, you might want to look in the mirror? I am a husband who admittedly ignores my wife, someone who is very loving to me. Why you ask? Because she suffers from a couple of very serious behavioral issues that have been financially and domestically destructive. counselors I have met with tell me these things would have killed most marriages years ago. These issues have continued for decades, and she will not accept how very wrong and destructive they are, nor seek help. Why do I stay? Mainly for the family, but also because I don’t have the time or emotional will to end it. Have I communicated my concerns? Yes, until I’m blue in the face. but nothing changes. So instead, I’ve lost total interest in my wife and our marriage. I fill my time doing other things. So perhaps a question to ask: “Is he walking away from me, or am I pushing him away?” And yes, it works both ways!
This is the first time I’ll ever respond to a post. The reason, I am responding is because so many of the posts reminded me of me when I felt the way so many of you do about your marriages.
As I read these posts, I must confess, I smiled to myself and gave thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for giving me His wisdom and grace on how to deal with my husband’s rejection and his lack of love for me for 28 years. Like so many of you, I allowed my husband’s actions or none-actions toward me determine how my day would be. His ill-treatment of me caused me to eat unhealthy foods aka unhealthy dispositions, like, depression, bitterness, anger, resentment, pity parties, etc. These types of foods/dispositions caused me to have a heart attack (not literally) from a broken heart. I was rushed to the hospital, placed in the intense care unit and I was on the life support machine. (Just a metaphor) When my Doctor, Jesus Christ, examined me He diagnosed me with, Identity Crisis. I didn’t know Who I was or Whom I belonged too, because of this, I allowed/volunteered my worth to be determined by my husband’s actions or none-actions toward me. I was a victim the first time my husband ill-treated me but after the first time I was no longer a victim but I was a volunteer for his control over my soul’s happiness.
The way I got the victory over my husband’s dejection, rejection, and lack of love for me was knowing Who I belonged too. I belong to the God of this universe. This knowledge revolutionized how I saw myself. I know that a lot of you will reject this knowledge because it would be foolishness to you. But to my sisters in Christ Jesus, who are like me, in an unequally yoked marriage, meaning you have accepted Christ Jesus in your heart and has God’s Holy Spirit in you and your husband is a non-Christian and he doesn’t have God’s Holy Spirit in him. I want to encourage you and say there is hope. I am living witness to this hope. Not that your husband would love you or even stay with you but that you can live a joyful and victoriously life without your husband’s love for you if you do it Christ’s way. Christ used my husband’s rejection, dejection, and lack of love for me as a conduit to teach me that my husband or any person cannot fulfill me, only He can. He showed me how to take my pain and hurt and turn it into glory for Him. I love my husband more now than I did when we first meet. Yet, the love I have for my husband isn’t reciprocal. I now thank God for my marriage because I now know the purpose for my marriage, whereas, in the beginning, I didn’t know the purpose and because I didn’t know the purpose I cursed God for allowing me to marry my husband because He knew my husband would cause me so much pain and hurt. But because of the pain and hurt I’ve experienced, I am the strong woman I am today. I no longer have bitterness, resentment, or anger in my heart towards my unloving husband. I am free, yet, I am married.
My sisters, I solicit your prayers. I’ve written a book about When Love is One-Sided. (It’s not published yet, it still on my computer) My book is about how our emotions of bitterness, full of resentment, anger, having pity parties, low self-esteem, etc. are tools that we inadvertently use to tear our homes down, when love is one-sided. My book is 28 years of tests and exams of what works and don’t work. What doesn’t work is- giving your energy to dis-synergy trying to make someone love you. What works is-fool proofing your life.
My happiness/joy is no longer predicated on my husband’s actions or none-actions towards me. My happiness/joy is predicated on my relationship with God, my Father and Christ Jesus, my savior. You to can live victoriously in a one-sided marriage in Christ Jesus.
What do you do when you’re tired of giving him your body, when you have no emotional connection to him? I am trying to be fully connected with Jesus, but the folly in my husband, and his example and influence over our children, are wearing me out….
I’m not sure where to start but. My husband has been ignoring me and I practically begged him for help, I always motivate him, I’m a stay at home mom so I always cook and clean and take care of the twins. I keep myself pretty and Im always positive. I give him everything he’s told me he’s ever needed and I know he works a lot. All I’ve ever asked of him was to never ignore me because I’ve always been ignored..by my parents and friends and I couldn’t take being ignored by my husband its a pet peeve. A year ago he stopped talking to me, stopped and went calls and texts (he’s ALWAYS on his phone) so I did mess up and enter a dating site..no I didn’t plan on actually going out with anyone or even having sex I just wanted someone to talk to because I moved to his home state where i have no friends or family and I never leave the house. All I have are my kids and husband. But anyway he works a lot and he never kisses me or touches me or even flirts. But I’ve seen him get text from different women in the middle of the night! But he always says he’s not cheating but he found out about the dating website and I tried o explain that I’m extremely depressed and I’ve begged him to show me attention yet he makes me feel like I don’t deserve to even be with him…I have no clue what to do.
Ok, I have a hard time believing that there is nothing going on with at least one of these women. No married man should be texting another woman or women in the middle of the night. That is completely inappropriate. If it hasn’t become a physical affair, there is probably an emotional connection he has with these women. Him ignoring you is a sign. I would suggest telling him that you need to go to counseling. If you have children, your first thought should be if you want your children to think that this is what a happy marriage is like. It isn’t. If I were you, I would figure out a way to make some extra income so you have a plan. If he is paying all of the bills, then he has all of the control and he knows it. It sounds like he is emotional blackmailing you. He knows you can’t leave. He condemns you for going on a dating site to make new friends but he can talk to women and he doesn’t show you attention. I think if he is opposed to counseling, unfortunately you need to make a plan to get yourself out of the situation. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way or do you want to be happy?
I wish I knew what to do. This was my husband for about a year before he left me. I should have come to this site before. But he waslked out on me in May while I wasn’t at home. He has stopped communicating with me since July but has not made any steps to divorce and has not made any steps to reunite. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried never to nag him and be supportive. He just shut down. Any advice on what I can do to save this marriage?
Here’s my post about how to use marriage separation to save your marriage: https://how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
So he came back and left again. I did everything this site said. We are now divorced and I’m remarried to the most incredible man now. It’s like night and day. My ex had too many demons on his back and too many women on his side. And sometimes there’s simply just nothing you can do. And thank God, because I’m much better off because he’s gone. I believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage, but sometimes it’s a blessing when it can’t be saved.
It’s a vicious cycle of thinking. The more he doesn’t care the more resentment builds up. How do you get yourself to stop thinking hey way? How do you start thinking about what makes you happy? It drives me nuts that he goes on acting like nothing is wrong and he is living his little happy life while I’m lonely , sad and in tears. He is great at that! I feel like if I try to act happy, he wins. I have so much resentment! So who is in the wrong? Me for nagging and begging for him to love me! Or him for all the hurtful things he has done? He blames me for destroying our family but he won’t change! What is messed up is that he is constantly saying he is trying and working on it, but he hasn’t done anything! I have told him several times that we need to separate , I’m not happy and you don’t want to give me what i need… He says but I do love you. 5 minutes later he pretends like nothing was ever mentioned. So bottom line is how do you get yourself to stop this vicious cycle of feeling this way and be happy? How do you let go of the resentment?
The best way to get out of this cycle is to change the way you think. You got something a little wrong: If you are happy – YOU win. Not him. YOU. You have to find a way to be happy without this condition that he should act in a loving way towards him. You have to stop needing him to be how you want him to be in order to be happy.
And I promise you – when you manage that – you will see the change in him. You will get all his love. I promise. But it has to be real – not fake. Can’t you say to yourself that you are doing a temporary experiment? an experiment in which you are happy no matter what he does and says – for say 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks and than you can return to being sad and upset. Can you do that? This experiment can change everything.
I’m trying the 2 week challenge starting tomorrow morning!! 2 weeks to be happy, no matter what he says and does… a challenge to be sure! We got married at 18 and had 6 children in 17 years of marriage. I know my husband and I both love each other and want to be married but I have made my happiness dependent on his time, love and affection. In recent years, the less he gives me, the angerier I become. We used to be very close and spend a lot of time together. I am excited to try this challenge and more of the great tips offered. I will check back in. Thanks!
Ohhh…I’m excited for you. Good luck! Don’t forget to come back and tell me how you’re doing with this..:)
Do you try the two week challenge even if he is aggressive physically and swears at your son? How do you cope then? What do you do when he ignores both of you?
If he is physically aggressive than I would start the process of leaving him immediately.
I am a Christian woman very attractive, faithful, a good cook and an excellent wife. My husband sucks. He ignores me and pays attention to everything but me. I’ve tried all this crap but talking doesn’t work. I’m getting a divorce so I can marry a man who wants to be married to me. This ones a dud! In the meantime I’m filling my life with me and my needs, my dFriends, my ministry and my goals. I’m meeting friends who care about me and my feelings. They express interest in what I say and don’t forget our plans. You see I can do myself better than most guys. I don’t need you to support me. Why should I play second fiddle in your orchestra? Screw that. I’m the only one who cares enough for me to care for me!
Btw I have sex with him 2/5 times a week. As soon as he’s done he forgets about me.
Narcissistic bs u played me 25 years. Do it yourself now!,, I worked and supported him thru college, he was definitely a late bloomer! I retired and am pushing my own life without him. I’ve learned to despise him for his selfishness,
Hope you miss me when I’m gone.
I’m so pissed at myself for not realizing sooner I was a codependent slug. Now I’ve learned my feelings matter- but you hate that don’t you!
I have insecure feeling towards my husband as he doesn’t spent or give importance to me rather he gives more attention to his staff and his lady secretary. We are not doing good in our marriage life please someone help me.
As a man i can tell you thevreason we ignore or wives, you make us feel useless, the nagging, putting down, etc. We want wives not mothers. I find myself not paying attention to my wife when she talks because usually it leads to her getting angry at my for something because she is full of resentment for my mistakes that i have owned up too, i resent her because she wont be intimate with me, so if you arent intimate with your husband and help meet his needs to feel fullfilled and rewarded in his role as a husband he will probably subconsciously start to resent and ignore you and your need to be heard as a wife.
I see you have a point there but is it okay for husband to ignore me just because i did not let him touch me and i asked him if its alright that he lets me rest and that i also cannot join him and his friends at a bar tonight because my chest does not feel right and i feel my heart is palpitating? He is fully aware that i only get 2 hours uninterrupted sleep for the past couple of months because i work full time at night and care for the kids during the day 🙁
I’m sorry but this advice perpetuates a mysoginistic expectation that women basically are secondary in relationships and excuses men from being present.
Thanks for your comment, but I don’t agree. It’s about looking after yourself and making the thing that makes YOU feel better about your life, no matter the circumstances and no matter what anyone else does or feels. We can’t and we will never be able to control anyone else but ourselves.
Hi, inhave been married for 14 years. Mu husband is mexican and I am chilean. At first I thought the difference in culture has something to do with “not understanding/not getting along” but after 14 years we are getting worst every day. We do not talk. We have sex 1-2 times per year. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think we love each other anymore. We were getting a divorce a year and a half ago but we couldn’t go through because of our kids. Now our kids are 11 and 9 and I don’t want then to go through that again.
I think that if you both do what’s best for you – your children will only benefit from it.
I have been with my husband for 10 years now. He had actually admitted that he married me because he got me pregnant. Our son is now living else where and the whole marriage we have been back and forth. We split up and get back together, had drag out fights (in the middle of night too) and he just always runs away. But, my mistake was chasing his ass all these years! 🙁 He came back when i didn’t chase him a few times, but i feel insecure now. My husband don’t seem like he is attracted to me. He also had lied many times before and i would cry myself to sleep, as nothing seemed to be working when i tried everything i could think of. Feeling exhausted & trapped, i expressed my feeling to him over and over again. Still, he seemed like he didn’t even care how painful this all is for me. Sometimes, he would show it and say sorry. But, i am so sick and tired of him running away, not calling me, ignoring my pain, saying/showing he loves me & cares and talks to me about us working things out and the future.. Only to do more damage again to me.. It is the same shit and i can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to ever lose him, so what should i do???? I am trying to stay positive now and matured more.. He stuck around for a few days, seemed happy. Once i speak a lil negative on the phone, he shuts the phone off and hasn’t called me and now i am sitting here waiting again feeling the same as before! :'( It’s like i know he loves me & cares in a way, because he has proved it sometimes.. The problem is, he isn’t putting serious effort into this and likes running away from the problem. Please help, thanks.
I think that if you tried to do something for years and it hasn’t worked, maybe it’s time to try a whole different approach. See this post to see what I mean: https://how-to-save-marriage.org/solving-your-marriage-problems/
I’d love to know what you think:)
Oh my gosh I’m am at a loss about what to say this is spot on! I understand all the ladies perfectly but I also understand what Lisa is saying as well. I am going to try what you said Lisa but I highly doubt it will work though. I see after a very short period of time me getting divorced. I don’t even want to let a man beat me down like my first husband ever again! Thanks so much for sharing ladies I truly appreciate it.
All I can say is, I haven’t even been married long, and my husband has already started the ignoring. What’s worse is he doesn’t even have my back and I’m absolutely sure he doesn’t care as much as he used to about me. Before when he was at work he would call during his break and ask me what I’m doing and if I’d eaten or what’s the baby doing? Now it’s like he calls me to search something on the web for him or pass him a contact number.
So back to my beginning point all I can say is men will never understand a women’s feelings. Women crave admiration/affection/ just bloody being noticed whereas men just after that one thing. And if you stop giving it you better believe his off getting it else where.
so join my crew and cry yourself to sleep wondering what went wrong but they will never understand you
Not all men. I wish i married any of a few boyfriends that were better men all around.
My husband is not in love with me anymore I feel he hate me and he keeps rejecting me of his time love and intimacy. He always tell me he’s tired when he’s home he sleeps at the edge of the bed. What can I do?
Try the suggestion in the post? 🙂
Leave him now if you still can.
I agree with WishNeverMarried. Leave him now and don’t look back. If you are not happy now, it doesn’t stand to reason that this will get any better. Get out while you still can. I’m rooting for you. I hope whatever you try works and things get better, but if they don’t… leave as fast as you can. Emotional abuse and silent treatment-type stuff only get worse… until you don’t even know who you are anymore. 🙁
I totally agree with Lisa tho, it’s like giving you what u want to hear in order for us to stop the nagging, and when it starts over we never got over the last time, because either the sorry was really a sorry. Or you felt u was talking to a wall and u can’t get ur self across to this man so each time when the men ignore you it’s like a vicious cycle of Torment rejection and a feeling of feeling abandon. Bottom line men are selfish and think the world revolves around them. If mine don’t change I’m getting a divorce. I don’t need this crap, my case he kmow I’m trapped because I’m not working so I can’t go anywhere. Well he’s wrong I rather be homeless then have a man make me feel like i am shit.
I think my husband ignores me for several reasons. First, he feels threatened by me. Whether it is intelligence, creativity or my self-sacrificing nature, all of these irritate his narcissistic personality. Of course he will never admit to this, but our counselor has seen us together and separately and she confirms it. He has the need to never look bad and the only way he will admit a fault is if he offers it willingly and that makes him look humble and caring. He has been ignoring me for years sexually, emotionally and intellectually, even saying the talking is “boring”. I’ve tried your suggestions before with only limited success. I have come to the conclusion that there is very little that will change him and he is happily content with himself and needing me is something that he sees as a sign of lacking something within himself. He also finally gave up porn after 23 years of lying every time I found it and blaming “my baggage” for any suspicion. He has sworn that he has given it up, and for many reasons I believe him (most of the time) but he has admitted that it was something he could control;something that was only his, and now I have taken it away. I feel like he resents me for that although, of course, he would never admit that either because that demonstrates a weakness and a petty grudge that any narcissist would never want to admit. And now I’m forbidden from even eluding to the fact that I’m still hurting over those years of lies and betrayal and he constantly tells me that I’m an angry person. He won’t let me explain that the lies and pain caused over so man years cause me to be angry. He said that he doesn’t believe that and that he would never get angry at his kids because of whatever situation. Like he’s a hero! So I suffer in silence. His promises to try to help me heal and feel worth something and attractive have gone unfulfilled. It’s as if he ignores me to punish me for revealing him. How could I reveal something negative about someone who view themselves as practically perfect??? And he will say “but we did this a week ago last Tuesday…” Like that should cove every day’s need for any interaction. I’ve used the analogy of eating breakfast. It doesn’t mean we won’t eat dinner; we get hungry again. I made the statement to him that it would be easier to remove myself emotionally, and somewhat physically, from him so that I won’t have to feel rejected so much. If I’m around him the fact that ignores me is a constant slap in the face. If I’m somewhere else, he isn’t on my mind as much. But how can I do that completely while living in the same house. We have two children that neither of us want to hurt by divorce and we also adhere to the Biblical reason for divorce which isn’t there; adultery. Meanwhile, I’m living in hell daily. I cry every day and I have serious health issues that, although I have told him they are no reason to ignore sex and closeness, aggravate my situation. So basically I feel emotionally and physically dead. I try to maintain a good relationship with my kids, even though he claims my nonexistent temper is scarring them. Any time I get upset for some legitimate reason he says I have horrible anger issues. So I’m not allowed to have normal human emotions of any sort.
What can I do??? I’ve considered killing myself, but would never do that to my children. I could drug myself up like he does and lies about. But my health doesn’t even allow me a glass of wine, let alone some drug. I can’t divorce him, I can’t express myself, I’m lonely and sad and feel just as worthless now as I did when the porn was around. Maybe more so.
Any ideas are very appreciated. Feel free to ask questions about our relationship or what I’ve tried. I feel like I’ve tried everything (books, counseling, friends, prayer…) I’m all ears though. I’m desperate!
Wow Kim, I don’t know where to start.
I don’t think you’re going to like my answer, but you’ve asked me and this is my truth, the way I see things.
First of all, narcissistic people are people who have no love for themselves, even if it seems the opposite. Can you agree with me that people who really love and appreciate themselves are never selfish because they are so full of love that they have a lot of it to give away to others?
I don’t know if your counselor has told you this, but he/she know this.
Your husband does not love himself and is deeply depressed. His behavior is the only way he can survive feeling the way he does.
You, on the other hand, are not narcissictic. But for some reason, you’ve allowed your existence and happiness be completely dependant on how someone else treats you. He ignores you, he tells you this or that, and you think you are helpless, trapped, sad and everything else.
This is just an excuse. No one can make you feel anything you don’t approve of and accept feeling.
He can’t make you feel anything. He can only be who he is.
You have to understand that this is the guy you are married to, you can’t change him, the only think you can change is yourself. Meaning, you have to decide if this fits you or not.
If the only reason you don’t divorce is your kids, this is limited thinking. Your kids feel everything you feel, know everything you go through and are fully aware of your sadness, anger and helplessness. It affects them more than you know.
They would be better off with two happy parents living separately than with 2 miserable ones living together.
I think deep down you know that.
You are not helpless. You can decide right here, right now, to do what feel right for you. Do the things that make you happy. And your kids (even your husband!) will only benefit from it.
Leave your hurt in the past. Your husband is right about this – You are angry. But this anger and keeping it like a good friend, is only hurting you – No one else.
The past is dead. It’s gone. Why hang on to it? Does it serve you in any way?
Today is a new day. Think new thoughts – Thoughts that serve you, that make you feel good. You don’t need anyone to allow you to be happy. This is your job and your job alone. No one else is responsible for your feelings. Do new things.
Your trap is an illusion. No one is keeping you trapped anywhere – But you.
I hope you understand what I’m saying, though I’m sure it’s not what you expected.
I am praying for you right now – Seeing you as the whole, happy fulfilled soul that you truly are.
Did you forget who you really are?
It’s never too late to remember.
I’m so sad when i read this because it is so familiar. Everything you said you feel is true excelt for thinking of suicide and narcissism never occurred to me but it is something like that i guess.
I think it is really sad that women are still, especially if thry took any time to raise their own babies, at such an economic disadvantage that they really are trapped.
It is important for people in the helping professions to inderstand that. Once you stay home with your chidren, or if you and your beloved planned on you being a stay at home wife when you were newlyweds, you are stuck amd trapped and screwed every which way. It is saddest for our children. I am saddest for the girls.
Kim and WishNeverMarried, all of this rings true to me too. I am so sad about the state of my marriage. I wish I had never met him. He has hit me (even held a gun on me at one point when we were first married – and that was 20-some years ago). He has emotionally abused me, called me names like the C word and the B word; he has neglected me to the point that I doubt my own existence; he has cheated on me. In his words, when I asked him why: “Because she’s a Penthouse model and she’s so much more beautiful than you.” (And I am not bad-looking but…) That ripped my heart out and I don’t think I will ever be over it. I certainly will never trust him again. People say you can regain trust but with something like that, I’m sorry, I can’t. If I trust him again, it leaves me open to have my heart ripped out and stomped on again so I maintain a certain “distance…”
I identify SO much with everything you said. I wish you weren’t in the same situation I am; it helps to know I am not alone, but I would not wish this treatment on my worst enemy, much less a nice person like yourself. 🙁 I am so sorry.
This is SO true, what you wrote:
“I think it is really sad that women are still, especially if thry took any time to raise their own babies, at such an economic disadvantage that they really are trapped.
It is important for people in the helping professions to inderstand that. Once you stay home with your chidren, or if you and your beloved planned on you being a stay at home wife when you were newlyweds, you are stuck amd trapped and screwed every which way. It is saddest for our children. I am saddest for the girls.”
Thank you for putting into words what I couldn’t begin to… that is the truth. I have been trapped ever since I decided (at his urging) to be a stay-at-home wife/mother. I don’t even know how to dig myself out of this mess… I feel like I have been buried alive, and there is no escape.
That was an amazing response, being in this same predicament and accepting everything you said about it being our choice. It’s har to hear, but I know it’s true, they said truth hurts, but in this case it’s a truth we must accept and take full responsibility for allowing it. My health is poor to, due to the way I allowed all this behavior to affect me. But u know what, I once was a independent woman before him w/ kids and now with 2 more I can become that woman I once was, I just know it, I’m gonna make it happen. Thank you so very much!
I wish you all the best and thanks for your feedback:)
Lisa Penn, she is emotionally abused by her husband. You have no idea how an abuse victim actually feels helpless and hopeless and trapped. You cannot look at it from the outside in and tell her the generic “nobody can make you feel a certain way, your husband is just being him, blah blah blah” Pleaee , we as women, as a society, if we have never been in an abusive situation, at least not respond in generic self righteous tones, making the victim who already feels tore up, feel even mire inadequate. She is 100% entitled to her feelings. She is married to a narcissistic. They use passive aggressive, crazy making tactics. They deliberately hurt, withhold affection. She is begging for his affection, trying to reason with a grown ass man, and he is falling asleep on his wife. Day in and day out.. this eats at you. This and so much more. We could never understand the crazy world of the narcissistic abuse, and the pain and the suffering their victims go though. The only way for this woman to be happy is for her to cut off all contact with him and start her healing process. She is not having a marriage problem, she married a sick man.
Thanks for your feedback, I accept your take on this.
Yes this good suggestion. I have been doing this for years. Still does not work. In fact it makes things worse. I am now the mother of 2 girls under the age of 10 and a 48 male. Needless to say, I cry a lot. This was the advice my mother in law gave me. I have a baby for a husband.
What should I do know?
When I read this article initially I was irritated as it seems to come from a slight condescending patriarchal voice which as one can see in so many responses that there is a huge problem with men either being narcissistic or passive aggressive abusers with a sense of entitlement that truly why aren’t we past this? I am married for over 33 years to a narcissists and since being empty nesters has gotten worse expodentuly. I feel exactly as most of you feel with the loneliness, lack of respect, love, no intimacy as he’s controlled that for over 12 years to where it’s nonexistent. I’m tired of the neglect the huge disrespect about 98% of the time whenever I am talking he’ll walk out of the room constantly. He’ll look at me while he’s talking but flat out ignores me when I talk. He refuses to answer almost exclusively anything I could ask him that is pertinent for me to know whether money related, relationship related or where is the this utensil in the kitchen. He’ll be sarcastic as hell for no reason, tit for tat score keeping with a conpetive way on just about everything. He spent about $600 on himself for Xmas and bought me a gift he wanted not I. Did nothing for my Bday last month or vday recently as I planned the restaurant reservations a month prior as sick and tired of doing nothing because he puts forth very little effort if at all. It’s tiring, exhaustive causes Immune issues, health issues from the extreme stress. If I’m happy, smiling he’s there to almost rip it off my face. I’ve felt or had a thought of suicide just briefly because he’s such a fucking assshole that just can’t seem to let me have a great day or time or if I smiled he acts like he’s gotta rip it off my face. So disheartening and sad. I go to a therapist but I do not think she’s doing me much good. I just want to be loved, held, cared for by a man who loves me who does not want to hurt me.
My heart goes out to you, I am in the same situation for 17 years now and close to just ending it. The problem is I am70 years old and don’t know if I can financially make it myself.
Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. Unfortunately as far as I know 99.9 % of less men are your husband clones. And .1% I have never met. So… with that being said polygamy was invented for women to feel not ignored while at the same time satisfying men needs win win.
I dont agree with this advise at all. It seems very dismissive. One thing is that it’s not true that if they get a divorce then kids will end up with two happy parents. What a complete BS and where people get that idea to begin with??? People do not feel happy after the divorce also another person can come in to fill the void of the spouse and mess the kids up and all happiness even more. Secondly I’m sure that this woman still has good times with her kids and her love is worth it all. Also she now has her kids 100% of the time. After the divorce she will see them less etc etc.
Narcissistic people think only about themselves, not others.
What do you think Common Sense tells you, would they love themselves or hate themselves if they only think about themselves only. Think about it for a moment. You think they would not love themselves if they’re spending so much time thinking about themselves? They really love themselves selfishly.
Truly Loving others is key, that is not narcissistic nor selfush.selfish
Thank for sharing your thoughts Sue, but I really believe that anyone who doesn’t love themselves can not love anyone else. Those who can’t give love are those who hate themselves most, even if it seems like they are narcissistic.
What you wrote is like an eye-opening slap of of truth for me. I think what happens is that we come into our marriages expecting a wonderful romantic partnership then when it is not, we are disappointed day after day. It is hard to keep our hearts hardened against what the person who is supposed to love is the most causes us feel. We are not robots after all and it’s very difficult to give up hope. I cannot change this infuriating passive aggressive person. I know this. It is my health that is suffering while he doesn’t take one pill. I’m done playing games trying to “make him feel better about himself”. I’m trying to change my perspective and give myself to God. What he does with himself is up to him.
I am married to a narcissit too. Its emotionally draining. Im constantly blamed for everything. Everthing is my fault. He constantly tears me down and talks down to me by comparing his/my income and accomplishments. I am never good enough. He doesn’t touch me, even hold my hand or anything unless he wants sex. He wont talk to me and when i try to ask about him or his work or interests he shuts me down by telling me to shut up. I wish i could leave but he charmed me into a false sense of security, only to lure me into a position where i cant leave financially and because he has the financial upperhand, he holds that over my head in case i try to divorce him as leverage to try and say he would fight me for full custody of our child. In the beginning it was good but now i feel so alone that it makes me feel really empty inside. The only thing i really live for now is my kid. If this continues and i get to a point financially that i can leave i will because i cant bear this pain, rejection, and neglect. Pray for me.
I am also married to a narcissist, a very severe one. I am sorry to hear you are going through it. I have decided to no longer take it. Until he is ready to get therapy with me, and validate my feelings, and stop abusing me, I am avoiding him, and planning to move out. I can never come to him about how he treats me, or he will just reverse it to me, or insult me, so I silence myself, and then he can continue to emotionally abandoned me, and blame me for it by saying, “you didn’t want to speak to me.” It is either I let him treat me anyway he say or shut up. That is the only option I have. He says if I expect anything, I should always come to him but he doesn’t want to hear about anything he did that made m unhappy, because in his opinion, “I am never satisfied” Yet Yet the issues I have with him, are the same. When he ignores me through parties, and only speaks when he has to, he says I brought on on myself, because I am anti social…etc, which is very not true. If anything I am a social butterfly. He tries to make me doubt my reality, changes the stories, gas lights, and goes right for the jugaler, with his insults, if I stick to not liking how he treats me. I would need to be crying or leave the house for almost a day for him to even own up to anything he has done. He has abused me in every way possible, that include physical. If I refuse to accept his cold distant ways as well, he will try to kick me out “HIS HOUSE” which is in his family name but still both ours cause I paid for it to, as well as things in it, include expensive things. Even with all this abuse, he still think I should come to be with him every night. He can ignore me and neglects me for days, and expect me to always get in bed with him at night (not for sex) but for comfort. He cheated on me early in our marriage (1 I know for sure, possibly twice), yet he has been keeping his phone calls secret ever since and yet listening to all mine. He invites people over and goes out with others without even asking me out first, or seeing if I am dressed first. He sits with unexpected guess all day, until I fall asleep (without any attention). He has an excuse for all his neglect. Yesterday I was in bed really early cause I didn’t feel well, he only called in the room to see if I was there, once I said I was, he walked out and never came back. I could hear him turn on T.V downstairs. He didn’t get in bed until late at night. He comes in the kitchen and says high and expect full attention. He never hugged me goodnight, gave me a kiss, or made me feel good, knowing i was not well at all, which I said. He just blew it off, but expected me to greet him warmly this morning. I did not. I am tired of giving and not receiving emotionally. I have spent years begging, crying, and telling him, it has to stop but he just promise and never stop. In about a year, he has only went outside with me twice (to grab a quick bite to eat and take our daughter out) and only to expected events, (which he doesn’t speak to me at, unless he really has to). Yet he has went out with friends from work, and made sure he visited his brother for his parties…etc.
How are things now in your marriage? More importantly, how are you?
I stumbled across this article and comments on my quest to find answers on how to once again save my marriage. I feel I have heard it all with the amount of books, blogs and posts I have read but it doesn’t stop me from searching. Thankfully, I came across this article. Yes, the information in the article was good, but the comments are what have given me the most encouragement and help. My heart breaks as I read these comments. I feel the loneliness you and everyone is experiencing. I understand the pain. I can sympathize and hear your hurt with every word written. So you ask how this has helped me? Please don’t be offended but for once I feel some relief. For once I am not alone in my expectations, desires or how I feel. For once I know what I want is not some fantasy because there are many others that want and need the same and for some weird reason it gives me relief.
For too long I have been ignored. My tears have gone unnoticed. My cries (words and literally) have been tuned out. I have been made to feel I am invisible, unworthy, undeserving, a waste, not need, unappreciated. I have learned to cope with the loneliness. I have fed myself lie after lie, trying to convince myself things will and can get better.. “maybe tomorrow…” I have heard the argument that “its all me, my expectations are unrealistic, I have a problem and until that’s fixed…” but after reading all these comments I am not alone. There is a group of women, (might I add these women are strong, caring, nurturing powerful, beautiful and I know this from the words you have all written) who are facing the same battle. We are not crazy for desiring love and attention, we are humans. We are women that want what we give. We desire it. You deserve it. I deserve it. Everyone deserves to feel valued, appreciated, seen and that they are enough. You are worthy of happiness.
So how do we get there. At what point do we accept we cannot change the man before us, the change needs to be their choice? I have done the calculations many times figuring how many more years of my life I need to live in misery and loneliness. I have told myself staying in my marriage is best for my children. But what am I teaching them? Am I teaching my daughter to grow up and marry a man that doesn’t believe in love? To marry a man that will one day stop noticing her? Am I teaching her to point the finger at herself and always blame herself and tell herself If I was prettier, sexier, skinnier, smarter….If she is watching me then yes, this is what she is learning. What am I teaching my boys???? Does my thinking need to change? When do I stop fighting the battle of trying to change Him?
I wish I had the answer for you, me and everyone reading how we get the marriage we dreamed of as little girls. Do we leave or stay, is it better somewhere else? Can someone else fulfill our desires, needs and wants? How do we find peace and flee the bitter and anger feelings?
For myself, I will daily look in the mirror and tell myself I am strong and worthy. I will remind myself my heavenly Father created me in His beauty and image. He sees me, He notices me and He hears my every cry (literally and words). And I will pray. I will get on my knees and pour out my heart and not ask Him to change but softened the heart of the man I said “I do” to 17 years ago.
Praying for every women that stumbled across this page. May we all find the answers and love we are looking for. May we all feel whole again.
“We will never be happy until we make God the source of our fulfillment and and the answer to our longings. He is the only one that should have power over our souls. ” – Stormie Omartian “Power of a Praying Wife”
What an amazing attitude you have, you have helped me so much……bless you….my husband too ignores me, because I don’t follow him unquestioningly……and he wants to dominate me. He is narcissistic and that is because of their insecurity. I am going to live my life in joy and happiness, enjoying my friends and taking courses and gardening and such. And as you say, God in the source of our fulfillment and we have to remember that. And always to remember that you are worthy of love, from friends and others around you even if he does not give it to you. You must realize that you are enough. Your children will always love and respect your for your choices. S.
I’ve been reading these for awhile as I guess woman do when they don’t know where else to look for help. I love what you said about how you choose to live your life, inspite of your lonely marriage. I have loved The Lord for a very long time, and I have been dillegently pray, thanking, begging, crying for God to help move me through this season… But I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m battling Death everyday, and I find it impossible to not focus on trying to fix us/him/me, How did you detach yourself from him? How you you deal?
And I truly hope God has filled your heart with pure joy. I can usually tell a little about someone from the way they write. You sound wise, and solid, and whole. I appreciate all you have overcome. Thank you for sharing.
We are in same situation.. I really love my kids thats why i stay in this kind of relationship. I always feel unloved, lonely,alone, unvalue, dead etc. I always pray and feel the blessings of the Lord . i use to be thankful to everything. Surround yourself with your friends. Lets find a things that we can enjoy ourselves and just go to the flow. For the sake of our children we need to survive.
Sorry for your emotional pain. What has helped me in this situation is choosing to pray and ask Jesus to fill me up with His strength peace and joy and heal my emotions so I’m able to give like this article suggests. Also thinking on Good things like God commands us to has made me healthier mentally physically and emotionally because spiritually I know I’m loving God but having good thoughts instead of replaying old negative stuff over and over in my head. Hope this helps you.
Very useful article……thank you so much
My husband and I married when he was 40 and I was 39. I had been married before; he never had. We had known each other for 20 years, but had not been around each other but a few times. After my first husband and I divorced my present husband and I started dating. We dated for several months and he told me he had not married because he always wanted to be with me. We married after about 8 months, and within a few months after that he was living his old bachelor lifestyle. I do not believe he has ever cheated on me with another woman, but for years now his bowling buddies and his dogs have taken precedence over me. I have wondered why I’ve stayed with him so long (34 years), and quite frankly I just don’t have what it takes to go through another divorce. For years now he sleeps in his own room, dominates the living room watching TV when he is home, while I spend my time in a separate bedroom/den. We do not fight or argue about it anymore. As recently as a couple of weeks ago I approached him and tried to initiate conversation. He told me he just wasn’t much of a conversationalist. I know that when he’s with his friends he talks to them. I don’t really understand how someone could spend 20 years waiting for someone else and then completely ignore them within a short period of time after they are married. Perhaps it’s the old “be careful what you wish for…….”
I’m a Christian women and married for 6 years. I have felt alone, used and emotionally abused in my marriage. I stayed for the Kids but other then that I’m tired of my marriage that I will never get married again. I feel like I’m the only one sacrificing and I have lost trust with him. He’s in seminary and it’s been all about him his calling his future his life.
I am tired of him being in front of a screen. His phone, TV, computer all day long. And wants to put the kids infront of the TV. just so there out of the way.
Excuses excuses! I getting tired of tolerating him. Nothing works with him because he’s a self centered jerk. Called by God! Wow ignoring your wife is a great Leader!
I’m so sorry. It’s about the same for me though my husband is not a pastor. I would be abke to handle the hypocracy just as i cannot handle the total lack of integrity of a passive aggressive husband who just can’t seem to be anything but hateful.
I’m so sad for both of is. If i had enough of my own money i would be gone with my daughter yesterday….
That suggestion on here, may work in normal household, but not this marriage! I’m fearful to say anything, my heart races when I have to ask or share something, I have to hope for the right timing and say it quickly! He makes me feel worthless, the name calling and words and sometimes no words at all. I basically live on the second floor, so I don’t have to be around him. If there was ever anything it died a long time ago! His temper is over the top!
I’m with you. I’ve lived with a narcissist for 50 years. On the surface he’s argumentative and always has to be right,he’s passive aggressive and doesn’t listen, impulsive and incredibly rude on occasion but under all that lacks confidence and self esteem but only I seem to know it. He is an incredibly hard worker but it comes first and always will. I’m lonely, tired of it all frankly and wish I could go back in time. Sometimes I’m exhausted from having to suck it up as all these conversations say you should and how we should do more to make them see us. You can’t do more and nothing changes them, you have to change your thinking or get sucked dry or leave.
I will try to practice the “simple solution” in the green box. They are good ideas, but I’m afraid we are past the point of it being resolved like that.
I can’t believe how much I identify with your stories and situations! I’ve been married 14 years. I feel sad for all of you. I really feel alone in this too. My husband however doesn’t abuse me or act hatefully; however, he is easily irritated and angered.
Whenever I bring up the topic of feeling hurt and neglected… “now is not the right time to talk about this…” or “I’m too tired to talk about it” every time I bring it up which is honestly that often. But when the mood is calm, he admits i’m right, he’s sorry and that “he’ll work on it.” but he doesn’t. He’s all talk, no action. There are few things I ask him to do – often repetitively, but those requests are always ignored – I don’t think even on purpose, but just because of the lack of importance of anything I ask of him. At night I will say how I feel about things with a heart beating fast, and he will fall asleep in bed half the time. Which gets me more upset.
There’s almost no intimacy. We’re like roommates. I can tell he doesn’t despise me – I’m just completely taken for granted and ignored except when he needs something administrative to get done. I’m also trying to separate myself emotionally to protect myself from repetitively getting hurt. Though he earns a really good living, he works so much and I don’t care about the nice house or car. He can’t get his eyes off the screens when he’s not working. The screen is the other wife, I say.
I have sacrificed myself so much to get to where we are, having moved multiple times and replanting ourselves for his career moves, and all with two young children. Sometimes feel like I’m dying inside because we have good friends and I don’t want to shame him to those who regard him highly. Feeling unloved is the worst thing a person can experience. But on a good day I thank God I’m not in a worse situation…. it could be much worse.
Hi Gloria, I can totally relate to your post and it sounds like you and I are both in a similar situation. I still love my husband but we have not had an intimate relationship for years. (I was in a serious car accident and have suffered with depression and stress and PTSD. Things really started to go wrong from then, but my husband is so unemotional and at times it feels like my relationship with him has totally died. I even moved out (next door) for 6 months, but I felt very lonely and unhappy, particularly as my son was living with him. I have got to the point where I cannot stand to live like this anymore and I’m wondering if divorce is the only option. I feel if only he would open up and talk about his feelings it would help, but he just gets angry and abusive and blames me. I feel like the man I married is a stranger to me, Although I don’t feel I want to leave him , my life is lonely anyway and we can sit in a room with him plugged into his I pad and me sitting bring totally ignored. It’s like hell and not what I signed up to when I married him. I am curious to know how things are with you now and hope you are ok-I know a little of how you are feeling and you have my sympathy!
That’s me. What did you do?
I totally relate to your story. Similarly experiencing with my husband no matter what i said or say good about him he will just avoid or ignores and deadma all the time eventhough i try to reconcile. Im also suffering for 10 years. Actually he we are not living together cause he is now in other country. I thought he will realize something when weren’t living in the same roof. But sadly he still turn off his phone whenever i tried to call him back. I always try to talk him but again and again he use to ignore and doesn’t want to talk.
I’m living the same life. I never thought that I would be living this kind of life when I was older. My husband had the usual problem with the internet and when I got 50, I just didn’t look like those young women anymore so he wasn’t interested. He needs to be glad that I love my home. I am retired now,
I think that I’m going back to work.