Do you feel like you can’t do anything right these days?
Is your husband becoming increasingly annoyed and irritated over insignificant small things?
This post is all about what to do when your spouse is always irritated, annoyed, or angry. It’s like walking on eggshells when you’re around him.
He is moody, critical, negative, snapping at you, and finally, you want to avoid seeing him altogether.
But don’t lose hope just yet.
There’s a simple solution to this problem, and it requires little to no action on your part.
No “working on the marriage”, no “let’s talk about our relationship”.
Want to know what to do?
Why Does Your Husband Get Angry Over Small Things?
The most important thing I want you to understand is that even though his irritation and dissatisfaction are directed at you – it has nothing to do with you.
Your husband is really annoyed with himself. HE is the one he is irritated with.
This is his way to express HIS profound personal unhappiness.
Since most of us are used to looking outside for someone else to blame when we feel like crap, your husband has found the easiest (and nearest) person to blame.
It’s you, of course.
To explain his misery, he is fixating on your every action and word and using it as an excuse for why he doesn’t like his life (and himself!) at this point.
But WHY is he depressed or Unsatisfied with his life?
There are literally hundreds of possible reasons for his personal unhappiness.
Maybe he grew up with critical and judgmental parents who made him feel nothing he does is good enough (sounds familiar?).
Maybe this led him to have unrealistic expectations of himself, his marriage, and everyone around him.
Maybe he is frustrated by wanting many things while believing he can never get them.
The point is, it DOESN’T matter.
No matter how much you love him and want to support him, there is nothing you can do about it.
👉 Related: Ultimatums in Marriage – Does it Work?
(Well, almost nothing, as you’ll see below)
HE is the only one that creates his own reality.
Here’s what I guarantee:
When he feels better about himself, his whole attitude towards you will change.
His irritability will be gone. His anger will subside. He will be able to see you – his wonderful wife and best friend – who he cannot see right now.
👉 Learn how to stand up to your husband and make him stop criticizing you with Mort Fertel’s free marriage help!
This leads us to the second question:
How to Handle an Angry Husband and Make it Stop?
There is only one thing you can do to get your loving husband back, and it requires no action on your part.
It only requires you to change the way you THINK.
It’s a law of nature:
The things you focus on – get bigger.
If you focus on his irritability and anger – I assure you it’ll get bigger.
On the other hand, if you focus, with all your might – on his positive attributes – you’ll witness more and more of them re-appearing – every day.
Here’s what to do:
1. Sit down for 3 minutes every day and write a list of things about him – that you are thankful for.
Here are a few examples:
- The children he has brought to this world with you.
- The way he can make you laugh. His heart-warming smile.
- The family that you’ve created together.
- The way he supports your family financially.
If you put your heart into it, you’ll find dozens of things.
It’s not too late to help your husband change. Believe it or not, he doesn’t like himself this way as well! Use the best free resource – HERE.
2. Think back and remember all the fun times and the little amazing moments you had together. Remember the way he was there for you over the years.
RELATED: my best date night ideas for married couples.
This is the REAL man you are married to. He is there, hiding somewhere underneath his depression and anger.
This man still loves you with all his heart.
Stick with these thoughts for at least 10 minutes every day.
And when you’re done, let it go.
And When He Gets Irritated With You Again?
When he gets irritated again, just ignore it. Think of it as an illusion. A dream. A TV show that isn’t real.
Accept it, but don’t take it to heart. It has nothing to do with you.
The only reality you accept from now on is the one on your list.
If you stick with it for 30 days, you may see the real, physical reality change in front of your eyes.
You’ll find yourself capable of seeing the real things that bother him.
👉 Read: My husband hates me: why and what can I do?
You’ll be able to encourage him to follow his dreams, and to do whatever he needs to be happy again. To love himself again (or maybe for the first time in his life).
You’ll be able to tell him that you believe he is a powerful man, capable of achieving anything he wants, and that he has no limitations.
And while you’re at it, tell yourself the exact same things.
And see him fall in love with you all over again.
And feel you fall in love with him all over again.
See your marriage renewed. See your children calmer. Happier.
Close your eyes.
Can you see it? Can you feel it?
Then it’s there.
How to Get Your Husband to Hear You
How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?
The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?”
Here’s how to get your husband to talk to you (and listen)
Rooting for ya,
136 thoughts on “Angry Husband: Why Does He Get Irritated Over Small Things?”
I’ve tried focusing on his positive attributes. His behavior in response appeared as if he thought he was getting a pass (?) to keep acting angrily and throwing things, and actually got worse, so I just don’t say anything now. There’s nothing I can do.
With all due respect but this is the biggest crock of *Expletive* ever. “It has nothing to do with you?” Really? While this may be the case sometimes, an overbearing and micro-managing wife will drive any sane and happy husband angry. When the husband feels disempowered because the wife is constantly second-guessing his actions and thoughts.
Nowhere in this piece of *expletive* article did you even stop to ask to put yourself in the husband’s shoes or to think of what has been happening in your lives. No, you just tell wives to wash their hands of any mental health issues the husband has.
Hi. I really appreciate your comment. It actually helps me a lot. I will also say that this article helped me too. I googled this because my husband has been irritable and snappy with me recently and I find myself wondering what I have done wrong. In this instance, I think that it is actually something that I am doing wrong. However, in defense of the writer of this article I would like to say that I think we all do this sometimes. We get snappy with our loved ones when it has nothing to do with them. At times we get so stressful inside that we can do that. I think this article is just one side of things. At times maybe what this article says is true and at times I think what you have said is true. We have to look deeper to see which one it is. As for me. I love my husband like crazy and don’t wish to make him feel like how you have expressed here. I will take your comments and think about them so I make sure not to treat him that way. Thank you so much for your input.
She was telling the wife to change herself in a non-blaming way. She was telling the wife to view the husband positively, therefore removing her own negative infuence and that would breed positivity. She did it in a way that did not point fingers and bring out defensivness, making it more effective. I thought it was a cleverly crafted way to tell the wfe to change herself first instead of critisizing then change will come.
With all do respect, your anger over this article reminds me of a woman who tried to sink her teeth into my husband and my marriage and used the same excuses for continuing her actions. Don’t judge an author who’s trying to help people better their lives. Shitty behaviour is a choice.
Ladies- think simple. This article is simply focusing on perspective. We all know the ten principles of neuroplasticity and this one is my favorite, “what fires together, wires together”. The more positive your thoughts on life in general, the more positive you will be. It may feel fake at first, but that’s because you’re perspective is a negative one. You can choose to see the positive or negative side. We all married our partners. I’m trusting you made a good decision in marrying him. If he’s a good person with a negative outlook, it just takes one person to start changing the vicious cycle of negativity. Do we want our partner to change his perspective? Well, he’s probably hoping for the same. Be the bigger person, choose forgiveness, choose positivity and see how that evolves your relationship. Law of attraction. Be the change you want to see in the world and see what happens… love the universe by loving yourself
You know I’m not young anymore and I’ve experienced a lot in my lifetime. I really considered myself educated in the matters of relationships and I have most often in the last several years looked inside of myself when my husband and I had issues because I know I can only change myself. But I have to say this simple little article has saved my life. My husband has grown increasingly irritated with me for quite some time. There’s no question about whether either of us is still in love but we seemed to continue to spiral down. I took it personally and felt that he must not be in love anymore or attracted to me. That’s how most women think but I have printed out this article on 4×6 cards so that I can always keep these reminders of the reality of the situation. This fixed our cycle of madness that no 150.00hr therapist could. I can’t thank you enough.
I am sorry but this article is really one-sided. This issue takes work on both sides. Why do spouses (men and women) on the receiving end have to tolerate it? Yes I can reach out to him, and talk to him, care for him, we can go to therapy together. But they need to take actions and responsibility as well. I am his wife, a partner, I have my needs and mental health to consider too. I am not his life coach or therapist or his mother.
I agree Lindsey. I just don’t care anymore. Being talked to so disrespectfully and never taken out on a date because he is selfish and would rather hang out with the guys. He can be miserable all by himself.
Thanks so much for this article, really helpful.
I have been confused these past years with his behaviour but this article has really helped me see things differently.
It is not one sided, neither it has anything to do with male female or husband wife.
It is simply saying that no matter what just feel good all the time. Its not about them, its about you. If god has created us, our work is to be happy and calm in every situation. This article is a simplified one, which just says, mind your own business, and remain stressfree. Whatever you deserve you will get nce u r calmed.
We are human beings with complex emotions. Forced positivity is toxic and false. The problem with angry guys is that they don’t know how to process their emotions and either internalize it and explode/or just explode and take them out on you.
When you look at a man through rose-colored glasses, you ignore all the red flags that can harm you.
We cannot expect ourselves and others to be happy and positive 100% of the time and suppress all other emotions deemed as “negative”. It’s unhealthy. Emotions are normal and how our mind and body cope.
You are so right! My husband hates his job and his body image so he snaps at me and is angry and I’m supposed to be ok with that? Hell no, my mental health matters!
I totally agree. I deal with a depressed/ anxiety husband, quite frankly the whole mental illness professionals do not even handle this properly… it seems the children and spouses don’t matter… everything is confidential… We all suffer when the ill spouse does not deal with it.
I agree with you Lindsey! The problems I deal with haven’t escalated to the point where I don’t’ want to try, but so many articles I’ve read say that we can’t do anything about it so we need to change our thinking or how we handle the situation, and that’s so wrong! We should not have to put up with being unhappy and hoping he someday figured it out because we “shouldn’t bring it up” because that’ll make them even more emotional/angry/aggressive/etc. My husband is very open to being better and he’s shown so much change since we’ve been married but it was wrong to read so much “advice” that stated that change was within the victim and not the person causing hurt. I didn’t learn how to correctly communicate, instead I was silent and took the punches but it really bottles up badly and it’s been a mess reversing my behavior and teaching him that I won’t be drove over but now our relationship is in a better place because I didn’t have to accept that I should be the one to change when it’s really them. Obviously there’s a right and wrong way to talk to your spouse about it, I 100% agree it depends on the situation and how you know how to communicate with them, but if you’re lucky like I am, if he’s willing to change then he will try. And he’ll mess up a ton still, so do us all, just having patience in the right situation is key. Having patience when they progress, but not having patience through letting them walk all over you. It’s no way to live!
Yes. This. I shouldn’t have to enable the behavior. My feelings and thoughts also matter. And it’s not really good for the kids to see that example on how to lash out at soneone if you’re having a bad day.
Well ladies mine starts with married in 2012 but been with him since I was 17 years old he was 27 mind u was promised to be married 4different times its was so so but young and dumb and I really really love him I didn’t care but know how far I’m willing to go I’ve made it this far I dont know I had decided to look else where because in 2012 i went out to date someone else I had no remorse bcuz he lied so so much well when he found out all h3ll broke loose so he cried and begged me and I told him to f off and so he kept begging he went to my job and posed to me and like a fool I said yes we got married and had another baby he’s 7 now dont regret him but hate to say regret marrying him its like he’ll its ok gud in the beginning but I hate it he says bad things about what i did but shit he was worse I think he wished that women wanted him SMH he’s is and I mean is a good friend but awful husband takes his ring off when he’s so call hates me f him keep it off leave bitch I rather be alone with our kids f7ck I love this man with all of my being, soul , my broken heart he dont love me like I wished he loved me which he never did fuck me why did God put me in this life ? My children love me u ladies are strong women power # strong women
This is the WORST advice. “Just focus on his good points ” when you’re being used as an emotional punching bag?!?
It’s letting him continue to get away with verbally abusive behavior!
Smh, typical “go along to get along ” bs
Thank you. This is the 3rd article I have read like this and nothing I read is valid. At this point, the only positive I have is he spends most of his time in a room by himself and I don’t have to deal with his bs.
It’s frustrating because I know he’s depressed, I know he is missing getting out to pursue his hobby (ended thanks to the pandemic) and I know he is fearful even if he is saying he’s not. He won’t even go for a drive with me just to get out.
Instead, he is irritable, yells about simple questions, doesn’t notice a damn thing around him and due to his sleep issues is now sleeping in a different room. I have an angry housemate, not a spouse. Yet every article says you don’t want to end this, you want to focus on positives. I have tried that. Saying thank you when he does the laundry, shovels the snow, do the garbage and yardwork but right now, I’m thinking I could hire someone to do this and not be criticized constantly for nothing plus it would be cheaper on my budget.
He freaks at everything. Dishes drying in the sink, me reading a book on my phone (apparently I am a no life spending all my time on social media when I barely look at social media as I have other interests) but just touching my phone enrages him. He does not have a smartphone and is not tech savvy at all.
He won’t see a Doctor, he lost a tooth and wouldn’t go to a dentist because of… pandemic. He is not working, I am supporting us. Yet still, he expects me to work all day and do most everything else and gets mad if I fall asleep as soon as I go to bed. We have animals and he never used to get angry with them and now he does. Even they are confused.
Look, I get there is something going on. I get that’s it’s not me. I get he is struggling, but how do I help someone who won’t help themselves and who won’t even have a discussion. He just shuts it down full stop. Exactly how long do I wait before I say enough is enough and free myself to have a peaceful life? I was hoping for a bit more information from these articles rather than “focus on positives and fall in love again”.
What are you doing to help him with this tragic time for him where his job is gone, his hanky of gone, his wife is not interested in him, most likely miserable to be around him which furthers his feeling that you look at him like trash instead of someone who is supposed to support him, have his back and stay committed to him but when he faces a real hardship you turn your back and pull the next ticket like your ordering cold cuts.
Well, what can a person expect after day in day out receiving belittling, negative, rude, offensive behavior from the person who is SUPPOSED to be their best friend? They are better half the one that they can count on when everyone and everything else has failed? Why do so many people in relationships end up bitter and abusing one another? I don’t really get it totally. Maybe we have a real breakdown in understanding and communication with one another. I once heard that marriage is a battle of wills and I thought isn’t that a shame because I always thought of marriage as such a different thing.
This is same as my situation at the moment. I so embarrassed when we go out for dinner and he called the manager to lectures him for 5 minutes when the food is slow to be served. Moreover, he asks the manager to give free for the meal. He angry with the ticket officer, someone shopping in a store , the wines advisor, etc..the wind blows I don’t know any more. He just angry without discussion without asking if i can do it. He needs more hangers for his clothes but never ask in a good way and he chose to yell at me instead. He keeps talking about how good he was at work millions years ago like it just happened yesterday.I like to read all the comments to find someone might be the same situation as mine. Thx
You wrote “This is the WORST advice. “Just focus on his good points ” when you’re being used as an emotional punching bag?!?
It’s letting him continue to get away with verbally abusive behavior!
Smh, typical “go along to get along ” bs” I absolutely agree!!! That is exactly what I call myself, his “emotional punching bag.”
After reviewing “sexless marriage” in Google, I finally had to put myself in the other’s shoes and search “why is my husband irritable?”
Unbelievable. Nearly 99% results says i t is not the female partner’s fault and the male is the one at fault…blah…blah…blah
Matilda is the only one on spot here. But I’m sure no one will agree.
Hello all. I need some serious help. I really don’t know what to do. I have been with my partner for over 6 years. We don’t have kids yet but we have built a lot for ourselves. We own an apartment and a house together. The last year and a half he started changing. He is extremely stressed and I caused him to have a condition because I have been stressing him since the second year. Thing have gotten worse, I can’t tank to him about anything. This morning we were talking about buying a dinning table And we disagree on which color to choose. He started saying that I was stressing him, that he needed to distance himself from me and yelling things like ‘get away from me!’. I don’t underStand what happened there, I started crying and he said he couldn’t care less if I cried, I was begging him to stop that behavior because I still believe I didn’t do anything. I shouted that I hated him. This stuff happens all the time. I had a stress attack and I couldn’t breath. He’s always saying to me that it’s frustrating having to be with someone like me, that I’m on another (lower) level, that he things in more that one dimension, I’m basic… I’m 31 years old, we took a weekend apart like 2 months ago because he started smashing plates in the middle of an argument . He said he’s stressed and he needs 6 months of no stress to recover. But I swear to god I wasn’t stressing him today, nothing happened. Please tell me what to do, I’m devastated.
Are you married? And you have no children? If I was you I’d run fast. Mayve you can fi d someone who will be patient and love you instead of emotionally abusive.
Counselling should be helpful. I agree with Sarah…No kids yet? It will only get worse when you do. If counselling doesn’t work you should run fast while you can, abusive behaviour only gets worse with time.
You are living with an abuser. Just like I am. What will happen eventually is either physical violence or you will be so resentful you will find yourself screaming at him all the time. I tell mine the same thing. Look up narcissism and compare the signs to the person you are with. He sees you as a possession, and if the possession isn’t doing things the way he thinks they should be done, he will see it as a personal attack. The pandemic has been hell for those of us stuck housebound for the past year with our abusers. The best thing you could do is give him the 6 months he wants. Move out if it’s possible for you to do so and before you end up like me–wasting your life on someone who only wants you in order to use, and abuse you. He’s getting violent. It’s time to get out.
Joan Emmet, you are absolutely spot on! Things will only get worse. The only way is to run get rid of, the stress it’s not worthy. Another thing you can try is to stand up for yourself and explain that you don’t like this behavior as it makes you scared and unloved. Only do this after he calms down – could be hours or a day, not when he is angry as it will make it worse.
The anger is from expectation, he expects you to be like this and stay in the place like this ( little doll in the box and doesn’t speak hat he can look at and have her where he wants her). If the outcome is different from his expectation he’ll be furious and it’ll be your fault.
If he uses threats use the same threats against him when all is calm. It seemed to make a difference in my case.
There is a saying ” people will treat you the way you let them treat you” I have found this to be true.
My husband and I are newlyweds. I honestly am not happy anymore by the way he treats me most of the time. He’s given my kids and I a house and is great with the kids. I do everything around the house and cook and try to make him happy. Treat him like a king… what do I get is him using me as an emotional punching bag. He’s such a smart ass and complains about everything. Everything I do is wrong. He just seems to get irritated at me all the time. He’s not like that with others but with his wife (me) of course he will let it all out. I love him but it’s really getting to a point where I want to move out but now with my kids, it’s not easy.
I’m tired of being treated like this and as much as I follow everything in this article it’s really useless.
Run!!!!!!! And don’t look back. Especially if u don’t have kids.
A perfect advice..thanx a ton..my heart and mind is floating..wow great feeling after reading this article..it’s 13 yrs of loyal relationship,still some hurdles unknowingly..
The Day we had a heated argument,I feel all the hell,and some negative emotions,which are silly after a while..
A strong relation is lively when we feel everyday is new.
I agree 100% that these angry men should get mental health therapy.
Why should I pretend his anger problem is not about me. It is about me because he’s disrespecting me when he yells at me for speaking the truth. I’ve been married for 46 years and he gets worse every year, but says it’s my fault. I’m tired of this and deserve better. Or better yet I’d rather be alone.
I understand where you are coming from. It’s unfair and ironic really that they project their own flaws onto you instead of looking in the mirror and realizing the villain is themselves. The funny thing is the behavior isn’t generally intentionally malicious, it’s a profound self defense mechanism to protect a fragile emotional state. To think they are flawed, or worse, to admit it is, in their eyes, taking away from an already empty cup. Society has groomed men to believe anger is acceptable and masculine which is why I believe they embrace it so. No one should tell you to tolerate and live with this behavior, only you can decide what staying is worth to you.
Wow it’s crazy hearing my voice so to speak from someone else’s mouth. Thankyou ladies.
And HOLY COW 46 YEARS?!?!?!?
How are you not completely batshit crazy physco bitch?.
No disrespect intended I just know that the more years put up and tolerate being at the bottom of the totem pole in the regards of the one who’s always getting yelled and screamed at when something goes wrong and blamed it takes its way and it’s toll on a person each year I’m A Little less pleasant to be around but I got to say my sense of humor gets better and I’m funnier every year too go figure .
Some of us just don’t have the money to support ourselves and no friends or family to help us out. Some of us are at an age with no interest in other men to help us in that respect. We simply do not know what else to do. Sad, but true. Unable to finish my education when I was younger, working full-time at minimum wage is not enough to support myself with. To make matters worse, I became disabled in my late 40’s. That monthly payment amount is not enough for me to live independently. Also, there are so many complexities to marriage. Walking out affects the entire family, including grown children, elderly parents who sometimes love our spouses, faults and all. These last things I mentioned are the least of concerns as they don’t have to live with the abuse, but even abusive roots in a marriage can grow deeper than the anger and pain of the victim. Often, there is still love in the equation. Every single moment of every single day is not terrible. The good mixed in is the confusing part, and sometimes enough to keep us digging our heels in on the vows we took. I will end where I started. For some of us, it’s much more complex than grabbing the kids up and hauling ass. Also, women should be kinder to one another regarding our reasons for staying or leaving. Not all of us are only sticking it out due to low self-esteem. Each relationship is uniquely personal and intimate, and some of us just learn to grow a thicker skin and hang in there. I make no excuses for abuse. The effects are real and far-reaching. If a woman feels her safety is at risk, leaving immediately is strongly advised. Just some food for thought.
wow that sums it all up well. i am 34 years married 2 adult children who are currently contemplating their children being looked after in an atmospheric house. its been okay for me to ‘deal’ with things but when i bring others in its a different story. reading your post got to me i feel there is someone else out there looking through my eyes. hope you are well
Your words and reasoning reveal so much truth and empathy. Thank you for saying what you did. It is a complicated and layered situation, and not everyone needs to be told to leave their spouse for it.
I agree with you. I have been married for 43 years. Every woman or man who has a spouse like that has their own reasons for staying. We should not say cruel things to them or anyone who is doing their best to give sound advice. Then you become the same angry person your spouse is. I hurt for my husband that he can’t seem to be happy with all the good he has in his life. That when something doesn’t work like he thinks he should he looses his temper and breaks things.I want to know how to help him. And yes I hate him at times and wish I had a husband like my friends have. But God put me with him for this short time we have in this world for a reason. I choose to be happy in my life despite how my spouse can be.
Hi southern Nonna. Your post really touched me especially saying God has put them in our life.
Don’t feel that you wish you had husbands like your friends. You may be suprised they could be worse to live with, people are very good at looking happy in public view but being really miserable behind closed doors. So be happy and content with what you have, when your husband gets angry pray to his guardian angel for him.
I agree with you 100 percent!!! Same with me been married almost 50 yrs. now ! Got married so young 18 had 2 boys and love them but as I got older I realize he will never change! He was physically abusive when younger now mentally only but he hurts me with his words every day! I think he hates his life but won’t admit it ! I give him an out to sell the house he says no ! What should I do?
I love my husband dearly, but some days his moods are all over the place worse than mine he act like he wants to bite my head off, and then I tell him something he gets all smart about it, and then if I sit there with that look!, you know we all god that look for our men!, he asks what’s wrong, and I tell him nothing, then I said well earlier you got mad at me and busted off with a smart additude, he said I just could hear you okay well why be a jerk?. Then last finds out we get a check in the mall for our daughter and I tell him I’m going to get her cloths he gets so upset, yet hes got $ 1000,00s in the bank, like I dont ask for nothing because I feel that I’m burdening him, he does work his butt off for us, but he doesnt want me working heck we have 3 going to have 4 kids, and it’s like I want you to work but I dont with him. And I give him plenty of space, he goes and does things most the time with out oldest kids, but he rather have then than our youngest cause shes clingy, but he also dont get that I’m here 247 with all 3 of the kids while caring our 4th child, and I’m tired as well, yes I sit here all day, and the house is spotless, but to him it’s a mess!. And I dont ask for much but a break he cant sit long with the kids of her hollers I’m about to leave, I cant even sit in my own house and watch tv without something, or I’m gonna sit in my truck til they calm down, or why dont yall just go for a while. He says he loves us, but he just acts so different anymore, and he doesnt even see it, but if I get upset over something I am a devil while hes a angel. Like I said I love my husband, but hes starting to push me so far away that I’m about to throw my hands up and see what it gets him. Or give him a reality check and walk out until he figures himself out or call it done.
Go get out for a bit, give him a wake up call! Too many times I wish I would of done that! Men suck they do sorry to say! I think they think they are God! But we women are way to nice to thme and they just do what the hell they want. And further more I am sure that your house is clean so why do they say that, my husband did the same thing I am about to get my BA finally and if he still acts this way then I can leave and get my own place! MEN NEED TO WAKE THE HELL UP THESE DAYS AND APPRECIATE WHAT GOD GIVE THEM! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!
Me and my husband been married for like 4 years and been togeather for like 5 and we fuss bout small things like he works second shift and when he comes home all he do is set up and watch tv untill 5 or 6 in the morning knowing he needs he rest for work so we not spending time really with each other cause he tired all the time so on the weekend when he off he always makes plans with me but gets pissed when I be waking him up so we can go saying things like dame I am tired and I got to understand and then he says words out of his month that’s not good at all and I am tired of it he blames me for everything not letting him sleep and stuff a d I should understand he calls me all type of things when he gets mad what should I do and I do love him but this is not far to me
thank you so much.
I am sorry we are all going through this. I have been married to my husband for almost 20 years. I have noticed a common trend that things are only good between us as long as I’m agreeing with him about everything. If I bring up a subject to discuss that we have different views on (not many things but some major ones) he yells, screams, calls me names, etc. the last 10 years or so I refuse to engage with him. I let him yell and have his tantrum all while maintaining a normal tone and volume. I do not yell back and It usually ends with him hanging up on me when he’s done yelling or walking away. Something so simple and small almost always escalates to this level if we have a disagreement. Nothing ever gets resolved because he has conditioned me to not bring anything up that could potentially make him angry. My kids are getting older now and I am finding myself less tolerant of this. I can’t just sweep stuff under the rug anymore and I shouldn’t have to live this way. Nobody should.
This sounds a lot like my life. Married over 20 years and avoid most confrontation so he doesn’t get pissed off. Now he’s unhappy and wants separation. Funny thing is, our therapist thinks he’s the majority of the problem and tells me I should consult with a lawyer. The littlest things set him off lately and I seriously wonder what’s going on with him.
This is possibly the worst advice I have read. By ignoring his bad behavior, you accept it. You need boundaries for how you are treated. Your husband is a grown up and needs to take responsibility for his actions and words. If your child disrespected you in this manner, would you accept it?
I totally agree with you Lisa. I’m going through something similar, married for 4 years and with a 2-year-old child. Am I supposed to ignore my husband’s tantrums if they happen in front of our kid? No way!
His behaviour makes feel sad and impotent. We shouldn’t be quiet, submissive, polite, and just smiling all the time for our dear husbands. They are the ones that need to change, they need help because what they do is toxic behaviour.
There are many reasons why hubby may always seem irritated, but sexually frustration is often one of the biggest reasons that affects men. As wives we would often rather not know about it. He say’s “nothing is wrong” because he knows that a sex complaint is the last thing we want to hear. Generally if a husband musters up enough courage to bring up sex as an issue in a conversation, it is far more likely to end up in a big argument than actual sex. They fear rejection and they keep quiet, only making compound this chronically annoyed behaviour.
Now many may rolling their eyes, but hear me out. Men and women are biologically different and many women can quite comfortably navigate through a sexless marriage, unaware that their husbands are struggling with the impact of their testosterone on a daily basis. The sexual frustration I talk of isn’t simply being unhappy about not getting sex, but more the frustration in men managing their hormone overload (much like our time of the month). It’s no one fault, this is not in anyone’s control. Its biology.
Often there is an imbalance in the part of the relationship where generally men have a much higher sexual drive after the honey-moon stage of marriage. Throw kids into the picture and the disparity is even greater. However its often the partner who has the LOWER sex drive who controls the sexual part of the relationship (how often etc). This is a problem for many marriages which can often lead to frustration and breakdown. Few husbands enjoy having to earn or grovel for sex and as time passes and the marriage is virtually sexless then the male hormonal overload sets in and no amount of household chores can make them happy because that was never the problem.
Now if you have happy, healthy and regular sex life then yes there is something else going on with your hubby. But if you haven’t been intimate in weeks, then I would probably start here. Hubbys are not that complex. Marriage is about give and take and you might be pleasantly surprised by result. You may rediscover that remarkable man you once knew. If you think “there’s no way I am going through that”, we then you may need to accept that your husband will always be annoyed and irritable and you need to be happy to live with that, because his testosterone levels aren’t going nowhere. You might think if “he only helped out more around the house and with the kids then maybe there could be more intimacy. The reality is even if he did (and many hubbys actually do already), intimacy is rarely the outcome because it’s not prioritized regardless of how busy or relaxed the our schedules are. For example was intimacy on the menu during your last lazy weekend or did you prefer to watch TV and catch up on some zzzzzz?
Now this is fairly generally advice and of course does not apply to all marriages and sometimes it’s the wife who is going through this initimacy frustration. But, without a doubt its the hubbys often deal with sexual frustration in silence. But don’t just take my word for it check out heaps all over google – “husbands in a sexless marriage” or “sexless marriage and depression”. You might be very surprised.
He must do his part to meet her needs too. It may be that she needs him to take something off her plate by “helping around the house” as you put it. If sex is the problem, communication is needed to make a good solution for both of them, not just him.
Maybe, if he actually wanted sex. Marriage is sexless and not by me. Sex used to be fantastic. Then he wanted it less and less. No amount of flirting, sexiness, or downright asking is working. I gave up. I suspect he started having problems but instead of getting help, he just became a hermit monk. So maybe your point is accurate for some but I for one was at a point of really enjoying our sex life when he ended it. No he’s not getting it elsewhere as he never leaves the house!
I have a better idea. Because we’re not their moms and they should be funcional adults he can go ahead and take care of his mental health with a specialist.
Thanks so much for this article its great! And I am sorry for what you are all going through. I am sad and encouraged by reading these posts and know that I am not alone. I don’t even know where to start. I have always been a very positive, happy person, one that people would come to for love and encouragement as they know I am always there for them. I have become a shell of this person after I married my husband. This is a second marriage for both of us. The unfortunate thing was that before we married he was one of the nicest, kindest most loving people I have ever met, he swept me off my feet. After we married he was consumed with stress and anger from his ex-wife and her antics and her turning one of his children against him to the point of him having three strokes, one major and two mini and thank God he is okay from those! However, he has been taking his life, stress and anger out on me the last ten years and it has really taken a toll on me. He criticizes everything I say and do, my family, my son, the way I clean, you name it. I have also been called stupid and that I have no common sense and I can’t tell you how many times he has threatened to divorce me. At first I totally retreated into myself. I distanced myself from family and friends and just wanted peace in my life! I work full time, pay half the bills of everything and pretty much take care of most things in the house except he cooks and grocery shops. The other unrealistic thing in our marriage is that because he spent weekends with his family at their vacation home every weekend in the summer and many weekends throughout the year he expects that in our marriage. I work hard and sometimes I just want weekends for us to do whatever, not to have to be “on” per say, to be able to get up and lay around in my pajamas and watch TV because the week is so hectic. We should not be with either of our families every weekend all year round, there has to be some time for us to be a family. He doesn’t get that. He also says he does not care if I am there as long as he gets to go. There is no communication, I could ask him about the wall and he will get nasty with me, say I am nosy or why am I asking questions. I have to walk around on eggshells around him wondering what will set him off. Anyway, the turning point for me was when I went to Joel Osteen’s Night of Hope. It helped me so much to be a stronger person and how to handle myself through all this! It helped me to see my self worth because I am God’s child and He sees me as perfect and that is all that matters. It helped me to get back to being me again and getting myself back out there with family and friends! The days are still rough and I am still toying on how to handle this marriage. Would love to hear any thoughts on this. Thanks so much for listening and stay strong!
Your life sounds like a duplicate of mine. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I too look at my life and wondered what happened. The man I am with now was not like this before. I feel duped and trapped yet I still keep taking it and can’t seem to leave the relationship feeling somehow i must have not given him enough. I know inside that I have been a happy, positive, patient, supportive and loving partner, yet he’s never happy with what I do. I’m afraid I’m losing myself and my trust of people. Please know that if you feel you are losing your self worth that is a sign. I am trying to take my own advice and move on from this person as he has become the same person as my ex-husband (mean, insensitive, and constantly annoyed with me). I feel like I’m taking care of a child. I am totally self suffient in every way, but starting to realize for myself that I wish I had that emotional connection with him as we did before. I’m not sure what happened but when your partner knows that you’re hurt from something they’ve said to you or done to you, but they don’t care at all about how you feel, then I think the connection is slowly being torn apart. Luckily, I didn’t get remarried, so I shouldn’t feel trapped, but I still do feel that way as we’ve been together for over 4 years. Sometimes I think he’s emotionally insensitive now because he MUST be communicating with someone else and giving his time and energy to. Call me paranoid, but I’ve seen it before. Feelling stupid all over again and want to move on and finally be free of this “guilt”.
I am in the exact situation that you are, and I feel so alone.
Basically everything you said in this response is what I’m going through! I’m trying to go into the military here and I failed my military test and ever since then he’s been criticizing me about it and saying I don’t work hard for what I want. Life before we got married I was happy and now that we are married I go everyday trying to do things for him that’ll make him happy but one little tiny mess up ruins it all and it’s like starting from square 1 all over again, I hear the I want a divorce from him whenever things go wrong with our marriage. I hear oh I’m better off without you, wish I never met you, your the worse person I’ve ever met, things like that!! He’s done drugs in the past and he stoped doing them but I’m just at a point where I go through everyday thinking what can I do to fix this marriage what do I do to prevent this marriage from falling apart?? I know some people fall in love with someone else once they’ve gotten divorced but i don’t see myself with anybody else!! If I fall in love with someone then that’s the someone I want to be with for forever. I try to have at least self confidence in myself or to think positively but I let whatever he says get the best of me. If anybody has any advice for me that would be lovely.
Oh my, so many are going through this—it’s ABUSE. You can give him a chance to go to counseling if you think he’d take it, but please do what you need to do to protect yourself. No one should go through that psychological demolition! I’m so sorry and hope you all find a way to get away from this. I’m not saying this after reading some sites, I’m a psychologist and a domestic abuse survivor. Take care, Angela.
This article is very helpful for wives who love their husbands and want to help them change into a more positive attitude. Backing down is highly reccommended when it comes to men because they want to feel like they have some control. If you want to leave and runaway from your problems be my guest, but either way this article is very helpful for some women who are helpless and need hope. Thank you so much for this post God Bless, and fyi I’m Shure this blogger will be ignoring all the negative comments and see the good just a bunch. Love love love this article ❤️❤️ heart.
Thanks for your advise
Hi Lisa, thanks for a great article; I read this every time my husband gets irritated with me and it starts getting to me. It gives me hope and I am able to find some relief after reading this.
However, I was wondering, my husband is suffering from his own dissatisfaction/depression/anxiety/stress from life in general…. do I just keep ignoring and trying to stay thankful/positive and he will also recover from his depressed self?? do you have any posts/advice on that? He is already getting some help through therapy but just curious on how he can stop being so irritated all the time.
Yes, Robin, I believe that when we change, the other person has to change too. That’s how it happens in my reality. And therapy is always a good idea.
Not always the case unfortunately ~ after several toxic patterns, I have changed my way of thought and even put a little space between us. Just enough to get us back to a place where we can better get along. We’ve been married for 24 years. So it comes with it’s fair share of struggles understandably ~ however when you are the only one in the relationship dealing with your shadow side and looking towards more positive actions and potential..its extremely difficult and frustrating when your husband slips back into these toxic habits. I can’t talk about my feelings in a calm manner without him blowing up at me and throwing everything at me including the kitchen sink haha figuratively ~ which has zero to do with what I am expressing. Not only that- he is highly gaslighting me..a behavior that has existed for many years but has gotten worse now as our collective deals with the toxic end of masculinity. After going around this merry go round for the last 20 years – 10 were very passive on my end..support the man. Help build his and his parents biz..the last 10 have been waking up to my thoughts dreams and desires and choosing to work on my toxic male and female qualities. Including conversations. Unfortunately for myself it doesn’t matter how I approach the subject, we are going to argue about it..and im going to hear how exceptional he and his mom are. Sometimes our discussions have zero to do with his family. Its very difficult to continously help a man who lets ego and defensiveness lead. There is no communication in regard to important decisions or topics – non exisistant on his end although he communicates with his mom on decisions that even affect me.
I wish this advice was a cure all ~ it does work in the sense that it will help someone in this position help see their worth and not slip into a rabbit hole of depression themselves. But. You have to know your limits. We’ve done counseling after he threw stuff around our house..so i tried to get him to communicate there. His response to our sessions are always in regard to my behavior rather then what the experience has taught him on a personal level. You can’t deal with someone else’s shadow if they can’t face it ~ thank you for this article. It does help to know that I’m not alone in this ~ it does make me sad however for women who are dealing with the same.
It’s true that this article is for temporary and little anger. It can be dangerous for a woman who is in a mentally or physically abusive relationship to follow this advice.
I’m so glad I’m reading these posts for I am the same feelings and dealings with my husband of 36 years wondering if he still loves me and wants me and if we were ever right together. He’s always negative n angry with me and takes everything out on me. I hate it and have lost my friend. I know it’s now my faulty buy Y should I take this abusive behavior. Struggling what to do !!!
Thank you for this post and everyone for their comments. It helps me to know I’m not alone. I have no one to talk to or vent to. My husband is constantly in a bad mood and if I ask him whats wrong he says “nothing!” then gets mad at me for asking and doesn’t talk to me for days….usually just in time for the weekend so he doesn’t have to touch me either. It makes me so sad and tears me up inside. If he could just stop yelling at me at the top of his lungs I could handle it much better. I just want to lock myself in a room and never come out.
It’s not you, believe me. He wants you to feel that way. Then he can feel better. Get out of bed and focus on yourself. Leave the house and do something in the moment. Watch birds or people or whatever. A much better life is waiting for you, with or without him. God bless
I’ve been married 37 years to an amazing man but in the last year he has become extremely frustrated, irritable, moody, quick tempered, sexually distant, hates job, hates his life, etc. It seems as if EVERYTHING big or small sets him off and I’m usually on the other end of that verbal punch. It has been 4 days since he has spoken to me. All my kids and grandkids came over the weekend to swim and that really aggravated him for some reason but everybody went outside to swim but him. I fed grandkids and that frustrated him, my adult son lives with us until he gets his army orders So his kids stayed too (he’s Divorced) anyway he didn’t speak to me after that. I ask him next morning what was wrong and it was that I’m catering to my son and grandkids and that they are his (Son) kids he needs to feed them not me my mouth dropped open b/c he had never been like that before so when I questioned that we were eating anyway he was not having any part of my explanation… so hence the not speaking to me so far for 4 days…We are all going to the beach kids & grandkids but b/c he’s mad at me he said he wasn’t going that he needs some peace and quite! This is just one of many stories. I Love him so much but I’m so tired of all of his stuff it is killing me emotionally…somebody suggested possible low testosterone causing all his issues… HELP PLEASE!
If you read this, I hope you read this. I am in the same place as you, and I did went to see a counselor, without my husband because he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him.
He is also a person that gets frustrated by even a small thing like a piece of clothing hanging over the side of the clothing bin, a small dot of coffee beside the kettle, the water jug in the fridge that is the wrong way around (handle to the back of the fridge). That is only a few of the small things that makes him so angry that he yells at the kids and me. When I try to defend myself and the kids, he doesn’t speak to me for 2 to 3 days. He never apologises, it is beneath him to apologise. He said to me, he can’t wait till the kids are finished with school, he can’t tolerate the kids anymore. He doesn’t want me to invite anyone to our house for a get together. He doesn’t like people, he forbids me to visit my mother more than an hour. He insults me in public places, “how do you not know how to put a jug in the fridge the right way.”
It is also killing me emotionally. The kids are mine from my first marriage, he was also married before, no kids. We don’t have kids together.
In terms of helping, I have read many articles in connection with narcissists, and all of them are saying run… run.. run.. . There is not really anything you can do, walk on eggshells your whole life, it depends on you. I am a ball of nerves, when I take the children to school in the morning, I constantly playback my routine that morning, just to make sure, that if I have missed something, that I let him know of it, otherwise he would accuse me when I come home.
He also told me, he hates his life, his work, and then he says he is not depressed. He is so negative, and because of that I try to avoid him, I am on the other hand a very positive person, but not so strong to get him out of this negative state that he is in. It is like he is trying to be negative on purpose.
I have two kids to think of, I am thinking about it to get out of this relationship for good.
No woman needs to feel like this or to be treated like this.
Focus on being the healthiest, most attractive, the most contented person you can be…..for you….not him. Read encouraged scripture. Enjoy a good hobby. Spend some time being a good friend. Do not give your husband that kind of power over your life. Keep a gratitude journal. Try to write one positive thing about husband each day. When he acts like an ass. Ignore him. You can do it!!!!!
I have the same problem and it is going from bad to worse. I trying to distant myself, when he angry I trying to look at all this nonsense from the side like it is not me, I am not participating in this, like it is the movie with bad scenario. The problem is he really can’t hurt me much anymore, but also he trying harder, looking for new ways to bring me into tears. I regret I ever met him.
I do think this is a good article but there needs to be a line also. He can not act in this way and then you are the one to make the changes so he can be a better person, he needs to recognise what he is doing also! Go and do your own thing and let him want to be around you again, instead of you wanting to be around him all the time. Big hugs xx
I totally agree with you about he needs to recognize his bad behaviors and work on trying to change them. Because bad behaviors can be hard to ignore sometimes, especially when you know that you haven’t done anything to deserve it.
I’ve Been married 26 years My problem is my husbands family . Or should I say my husband thoughts of his family. He constantly blames me for hating his family when all I do is try to help as much as possible. There’s been so much to put up with his family for instance not inviting us for their family get togethers , blaming me and our children for not doing things. Inventing problems within the family and always blaming me. I unfortunately work with his brother who is nasty and smirky with me, very belittling of me and hit me a few months ago.
My husband just always takes his side. We didn’t love yoga there for two months following this because he couldn’t get a grip of my making his brother hurt me.
It was my fault he hit me because I made him do so! I apologised to the whole family , got therapy and yet I didn’t do anything.
There’s a constant problem which my husband always blames me for . I cannot discuss anything with him as he blames me. He tells me I make him miserable and destroy his life. He tells me that I want to bitch about his family.
I really do not know what to do it’s making me unhappy all the time
Thanks for sharing this ama,ing supprt blog. I gave been crying a lpt latwly regarding my marriage. Having a hard time as husband and i are depressed but i will teley these methods. God bless you, you trult turnt my day into a good one 🙂
There is a part of me that still care,especially since we made a family together i. Even sympathetic on his struggles his stress,an with minor health ailments an depression ive always been there thick an thin and supported him. But i felt hurt and betrayal for one he became hurtful over spilled soda in store i clean after an there were no damages. i gave it to my child while he was trying on shoes. some spill an he wanted to leave an forget an leave everything. Said w.that cant be at peace.things always go wrong no breaks in his job break.But my child sadly talk him out of it. An keep shopping. an the rest of time he was distant .he came around to my son .but to me cold an even said rude comment about my appearance. An critical all my actions.after he said never want to eat from my cooking. An for 3 days buying his own food cold shoulder with me.an caught him smirk .as if he enjoyed it.but if im laughing or doing my things. An distracted hes serious. Unhappy an abit angry.made me we like public enemy #1 and i don’t even know why.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7. He has openly recognized that he has unrealistic expectations for me and everyone else around him, due in large part to the horrific abuse he suffered as a child. But honestly, lately he has gotten absolutely unbearable. There isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t make several nasty remarks to me or demands of me and is constantly putting me down and treating me like a house slave. I’m 7 months pregnant, I’m a full time student and I take care of our two year old daughter all day long. I am doing the absolute best I can and it’s never enough. I spent almost an hour brushing the snow off of his car because I wanted to get it perfect and make sure I got ALL the snow so it didn’t blow on the windows when he was driving. He yelled at me that I accidentally left the spare key to the car (the SPARE key, not his regular keys) in the jacket pocket when I was done. He was angry that after I gave our daughter a bath, the towel I used for her draped slightly into the sink and got a little extra damp because the faucet drips. I could go on and on. It’s stuff like this, constantly, all day long, every single day, and I’m going insane. I haven’t heard a kind word from him in weeks. I just want my husband back but right now I just wanna crawl into a hole where he can’t find me and tell me how much I’ve screwed up that day.
I strongly suggest that you stop doing all the things you are doing for him because this approach obviously doesn’t work. As I’ve written in the post, I truly believe that you should focus on yourself FIRST, and that includes taking care of yourself and doing what’s best for you – day by day – before you do things like brushing the snow off his car window. You may end up exhausted and then you won’t be able to help anyone else. You first, always. And while you do that, ignore his remarks and irritation, even if it’s very hard.
Girl do not do it. As someone said just focus on yourself. He is going through his own mental crisis. He can’t take out on you. My ex husband always told me, on every day basis that i can’t do simple things, i can’t clean well, i can’t cook well, im ugly (and I’m a beautiful fit Russian woman) , i was making money, did my best by supporting him. All I got disrespect, abuse, feeling miserable, lonly and ugly. He got another woman, who feels miserable as me around of him. I tried fix merrige multiple times. all good was for few days and after it was just worst and worst. It’s a lot of men out of there who so unhappy with themselves, all they can do just put you down and make themselve feel better. Do not listen his comments, ignore best to leave this person but all depends how hard you want it and how bad the situation in your family.
Ugh, my heart breaks because I’m going through the same thing. Hugs to you sister – you don’t deserve that.
Thank you Lisa for the advice. Your article gives me tremendous hope
What? I thought I was reading something from the 1800s. Just let him walk all over you, pretend it’s an illusion and hope for the best. No thank you.
I agree with your comments, this article is ridiculous. I have left my verbal abusive husband and seem to have landed myself with another man who is just as bad in his own cruel way. I’m currently trying to work out how to get my life back and possibly leave because nothing is working out and I can’t see a way of improving things in what seems to be a one-sided, selfish put up and shut up relationship. No sex, no fun, no holidays, no money, no going out anywhere PERIOD and I’m miles away from my family….for this?! No thanks.
Ufff I feel so related to u 🙁
Right!!!! That’s what I was thinking I need real advice please,not wait for the law of attraction to sort it out I mean I agree positive attitude but like don’t you got to tell him to go fuck himself or something I’m a newly wed I ain’t doing so good my husband can be so kind and sweet and loving but he has another side a very person over stupid shit! I’m so sick of it already and we are only married a few months I do stick up for myself but lately I just feel like I don’t want to fight or deal with his shitty ass attitude with me when I don’t do what he asks of me what Tis I do here I don’t have any family around me and this is getting hard to cope with I love him so much and I know he loves me very much but I don’t think he can control his anger
Now you are married you lay down the law straight away about the type of treatment.. behaviour that you will and won’t tolerate from him within your marriage.. do it right now while you are in the early stages of marriage – otherwise you are going to be miserable.. State you demand respect, stability and security, love and affection. Tell him you want to have a marriage with great two way communication to resolve any difficulties or stresses that may arise because if you can’t have that with him your not going to stay with him. Because you do deserve that. Say byeeee see you later I’m off to find someone who will give me those things.
Spot on. What? Just be nice and take it. Ridiculous!
What are we stepfird wives?
Alice, I’m 65 and have learned in all of my years that by allowing someone to treat you like crap, you teach them that it’s okay. Under no circumstances should it ever be allowed. Men who are bullies will treat a woman with such disrespect! Stand up to it and come back hard! If he lays a hand on you call the police and file charges. ALWAYS stand up for yourself until he learns he can’t get away with this behavior.
How long should we stay on this roller coaster?
What kind of example are we setting for our kids, allowing one partner to repeatedly be emotionally abusive to the other, and the other just enduring it? I don’t want to see my kids standing on either side of the equation.
I know my husband is upset with himself over his current inability to gain accreditation at his job. He’s low man and will stay there until he leaves this job (like the last 4) and tries something new. He is constantly looking for greener pastures and not working hard enough or focusing on improving his current station. I offered him an easy job at my company and he turned me down because he wanted double the salary…that was impossible to give! If I offer him $2,000 to cover
the cost of a surgery or expense he’ll ask for $5,000, just because. It’s all about power dynamics, and my husband HATES feeling like I am his equal. In his mind a wife is subservient and that means beneath him.
When we dated, he blamed many problems on his family, and they didn’t accept me then so it was easy to believe. But now I know and love his family, and I see clearly that the problems have been due to his own personal shortcomings all along. He passes all blame to others, and never accepts fault. I am tired of apologizing for things that have nothing to do with me. I am tired of trying to sheild my sons from their father’s immaturity. I am tired of my husband calling me a bad person to our kids. I have been on this roller coaster for 5 years and I want to be done. But I live abroad, in my husband’s native land. So until I have citizenship and potential custodial power equal to his, I am trapped. I will not lose my children because I chose wrong. I don’t understand how this happened. It really felt like God led me to this man. And I have yet to see why. This experience has given me two amazing kids and a much thicker skin…full of new emotional scars.
I am in the same boat. I feel what you going through. My experience has led to my emotional stability and needless to say I am much stronger today after several emotional breakdowns and even suicidal attempts. No longer do I allow my husband to use me as his doormat. Now the only thing yet to happen is get a job for me and up and go. The constant demand to shield my kids is just so tiring. I am concerned for my well-being and definitely do my kids. Because I can see the damage this marriage has caused my children so far. This article has go it’s positives but it also say it’s okay just ignore the one that emotionally abuses. I don’t think that’s fair. We as woman we can’t allow men to step all over us…
My husband is dealing with being unhappy at work. He comes home burned out and stressed. Me being a stay at home mom causes him to get annoyed for some reason. He acts jealous that I get to stay home and has often referred to me being on a “permanent vacation”. Being a stay at home mom who takes care of the kids, does all the cleaning, runs all the errands, yard work, driving to and from the elementary school, piano lessons, laundry and meal planning is a ton of work but he doesn’t see it that way. He’s stuck in this jealousy rut with me when originally it was HIM who said I should stay home last summer when my job position crumbled. Now the littlest thing that I may not do around the house, he sometimes points it out. The carpets weren’t vacuumed, so I get a snide comment about how I must have been laying around while he’s at work. I feel pressure to have the place sparkling or I’ll get him coming down on me. I never get a break and it’s getting hard dealing with him and this behavior of his.
Diane, seeing your situation from the “outside” it is clear to me that this has nothing to do with you. He obviously hates his job and takes his frustration out on you because he feels trapped there and doesn’t feel he has any power to change his situation. I’m sure he knows that you work just as hard as him, and if you manage to see it differently he will change the way he treats you. By seeing it differently I mean every time he is irritated and takes it out on you – see him as a miserable person that has no solution for his situation. Just see his pain and don’t take it personally – it has nothing to do with you, and if he wasn’t so depressed he would admit it immediately. Do what you need to do the way you want to do it and ignore his remarks about the carpet becasue I assure you, no matter how sparling your house will be – his remarks will continue – it won’t matter. The only way to deal with this is to ignore and pray that he will come to such a miserable place that he will have to do something about it – and solve his work situation.
From experience, ignoring the behavior and words does no one any good. It makes things worse. How can someone just sit there and another human put you down and control you while you do nothing about it? It will slowly chip away at your self esteem and self worth. It isn’t instant. It will happen slowly over time till the reationship is doomed. One person cannot change another person’s attitude by ignoring it. It builds resentment, and eventually you’re filled with contempt. Contempt in any marriage or relationship is definitely bound to fail. This behavior needs to be addressed immediately. This is not ok at all.
I feel you, my husband is a good man but lately he has been rude and angry at me. I try my best to do the best but I am getting stressed. I am currently working from home full time and my kids are also home due to the pandemic. When he gets home he asked me what have you done all day. You do nothing….. i ignore him … he wants me to clean and cook etc but I can’t do all the home chores as I am working. I currently make more than him and we have money saved and I have encouraged him to make a business he is a smart man he knows a lot about construction like roofing, sheetrock etc and when I mentioned this is him he gets upset and states that I be little him that I think he is a mediocre when in reality I just want a better future for our family and for him. I want him to be his own boss and work at his time vs working where he is currently at M-F minimum wage. I don’t know if work is stressing him out or what… he states I don’t pay attention to him that I am on my phone that I don’t love him but yet love has to come from both. He never calls me he never texts me he never has bought me a bday gift a Mother’s Day gift or Christmas gift but I am ok with that. I pour my heart out for my family and I don’t know what to do. He makes me feel like I am not good enough. I try my best to clean my best and cook but it’s not enough for him… how can I have SEX with someone who just attacks me?like am I just supposed to ignore how he treats me and make “love” at night after the way I have been treated all day? If he is so unhappy why doesn’t he just leave and divorce me? I will never be the one to leave this marriage because I don’t want to be the one who broke this family apart…. I just don’t know how much more I can take but my kid’s happiness will always come first…..
I understand the not leaving for the kids part, despite the total lack of emotional support…)-:
I feel your pain. I’m currently working from home, and am working my tail off to make sure I’m a valued team member so I won’t lose my job. I make about twice what he does, and I think that bothers him. I suspect he feels . . . inferior? I get the “you’ve been home all day” comments also, and it stings. Your husband is attacking you because he feels bad. It’s not you, it’s him.
I wish I had advice for you, but instead, all I can say is, you’re not alone. Sending you positive vibes.
I feel for you and every woman out there dealing with men who are constantly unhappy and critical of their wives. Just because they’re unhappy for whatever reason doesn’t give them the excuse to treat us with disrespect to belittle us, make us feel inferior, etc. I am so sick of catering to my husband’s feelings and trying to make him happy. We do everything for our family. We run the house, pay the bills, take care of the kids, etc but they always have a reason to be dissatisfied. It’s like dealing with a child who’s throwing a temper tantrum whenever things doesn’t go his way and we’re supposed to suck it up and hope that his mood improves so we can be happy again. It’s total bullshit. Treat them the way you would treat a child throwing a temper tantrum. Ignore him til he comes to his senses. Don’t get frustrated, as hard as that may be. Do something that makes you happy. If it’s temporary his mood will change and he’ll be back to his nice self again if it’s permanent leave his ass, he doesn’t deserve you and you’ll be better off. I have 3 kids and can’t leave right now, but believe you me once they’re old enough to take care of themselves I won’t be putting up with his attitude any longer. BTW how many women do you think are happy in their marriage or relationship. Every woman I know has the same complaint. That tells me that men and women cannot coexist happily together unless the woman compromises and sacrifices everything to make her husband happy. We have to stop trying to find reasons for why our husbands are being assholes, and realize we deserve better.
Men face pressure form the outside world and I think feel lots of fear and yet don’t share the insecurities and fears they have with their wives. Add porn into the mixture or any other hidden secrets and a man can become an entirely different person right in front of your eyes, having you question if what you are experiencing even when there are no arguments, and just normal everyday life even a small thing as simple as :how was your day today baby?” can set someone off like this and they can feel like you are insinuating something….makes your mind explode wondering what the heck you just did or said that would cause a reactive defensive words or body language character change. I really think men carry a ton of pride, they are wondering if they have what it takes to make it, to care for you, to care for their families, are they the hero, or are they failing….and if they feel within themselves they are failing without you even having a clue to what is going on inside of them, they will act out in a different irritated behavior that makes you wonder what you are or are not doing or saying and how can you support him, why is he so sensitive to you, the dog, the kids, the neighbors or whatever…yet when buisiness interactions or with strangers he is sweet talking, kind and polite and you observe this, you wonder if you are valuable to him, loved by him, respected by him and does he even care? You can be a very aware woman knowing yourself, understanding personality disorders, boundaries, ect. sometimes autism plays a part in it, or things you are not even aware of, when your husband has been told by others even about his personality or that he should maybe read or see a counselor but disagrees that he is not the one with the problem (and has said this) you haveto let go of what you can’t change, and just take ownership for yourself, and renew your mind after these behaviors knowing you are of great value, and you are loved and worthy to be treated with kindness.
Thanks for sharing this with us
This is awful advice. If you are the verbal or emotional punching bag (even if he just ignores you as your “punnishment”); that isn’t on you to fix it and pander to his bad behaviour and hope it will lift him up and what….make him treat you with more respect? I hate that as women we are telling other women to basically just try to turn a blind eye and push through it. That’s how most of us got stuck in an awful relationship that has hit this level in the first place. Of course it was nice in the early days….but that memory cant ve what gets you through each day in giving him compliments and gratitude and hoping if you hug him harder he will love you or respect you more. These guys have bigger issues. Leave. You’ll very quickly realize how much better it can be (coming from someone who is going through it, has made the mistake this whole article has recommended you do, and you still have to walk on eggshells. They aren’t going to change. I’ve been kidding myself for so long that I’ve wasted enough of my life with someone who doesn’t deserve it. Find your own happiness….stop looking for someone else to give it to you if they aren’t actually capable of it.
I have tried this method and it doesn’t work because when I build him up, give him positive comments or ignore it or let it go he gets mad that I’m letting it go and makes it into a bigger issue. The problem is unless i tell him he right and I’m wrong all the time this issue doesn’t get fixed. I have come to a point where we have tried books and doing dates once a week tried different methods for handling arguments and it doesn’t work. If it comes to a point where nothing works the relationship just won’t last. It’s really not worth it to be be like this^ your whole marriage. I have one life and I don’t want to spend it being unhappy with someone who is irritated with me the whole time. It’s my life and my job is to make me happy, not let someone treat me horrible just to make them happy. No thanks!
My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I’ve gotten the impression from him that he’s just super annoyed of me, and I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don’t really bother him much while he’s at work, usually a hi text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I’m not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.
No way…sounds like I’m supposed to take emotional beatings and the dude gets to just keep doing what he’s doing…no one could treat me that way. If I was treated that way, I’d leave…love him or not, I have more respect for myself than I respect him. More brain washing for women…sigh.
I have been married two times and in a serious relationship before that, everything that is written above is true and correct and every relationship gets to this point given enough time. This is what marriage is, it is not a fairy tale and not for the faint hearted. This is good advice and if the relationship does not continue then it wouldn’t have anyways. Take care of your mental health because you cannot change someone else.
Thank you for your post!
I will try though it is very hard as it is. My husband has become an angry man lately.
He is even angry when I ask him where the shampoo is ( because I surely mean to say that he lost it ) he is very angry at our 14 years old because she says: dady why are you always angry with me it realy scares me for he is alienating the kids from himself and I am walking on egg shells al day please please what should I do!
it was so exact same n clear… very helpful
thanks for ur share
Wow I have mixed amotoin. actually reading others post is helpful in someways too me because it makes me see my falts also. It’s scary too think you might loss the love of your life your best friend. And I sit back and blame myself for the things that make him uoset. Like if I ask him something I know that will upset him like can I go to the store for shampoo or can I go to my sisters or brothers house to visit. I know all these things get to him. I don’t do it too make him upset it’s just things that gets me out of the house for a min. But he doesn’t like for me to go anywhere for anything. But I do it anyway like go to the store I don’t go to my siblings houses though bc he would give the silent treatment for days so I just avoid upsetting him at all cost . We will be merried for thirty-one years this july. At one time I worshiped the ground he walked on now I walk on eggshells just to get through the day.
This sounds like an abusive relationship to me Tammy. I would definitely think about setting myself free – if I were you. But you are the only one who can set herself free. You just have to get to the point where you think you actually deserve it.
I don’t agree with this post! If someone is treating you like crap, you need to stay away and put distant so the other person can reflect. They will see the gapping hole left. You owe it to your children to be happy and be with people that support you. I get so annoyed with advice that put other people’s emotions as a women’s responsibility. We are talking about grown people. Take responsibility for you own happiness.
this is what she said avoid taking it to heart and take responsibilty of your own happiness!!
dont be so judgemental, its true.
I feel like this is flawed. Up lifting him is great, but he also needs to be aware of how his his words and actions affect you and make you feel, and maybe how we go about things affects them too. We shouldn’t just ignore And forget about the fact that what the person is doing and saying hurts is! Like we should just except I and act like is a normal way to live. This honestly is a load of crap. Married couples need to express our feelings and figure out a better way go about things while uplifting them too.
Lisa, this article brought me tears. This is exactly what has been happening in our relationship for too many years. Thank you for writing something REAL and that’s actually supportive and helpful. Can’t wait to try out your advice.
In the past I used to do all what you mentioned, now, I reached to a stage where I have fear telling my husband about what happens in my day or our kids..fearing that he will get angry.
I have been married for 13 years and have 3 wonderful kids..And I love him, but the fear of him getting angry is frustrating me and feel worried and anxious all the the time…any suggestions??
P.S I spoke to him several times, he is trying to control his anger..but to me.not enough!
Thank you for this. I have a loving adoring husband who struggles with extreme anxiety. When he gets overwhelmed- It comes out on me. Simply because I’m the one closest to him. I have to remember it’s himself he’s mad at when this happens instead of taking it personally. Much love to all.
I am the man in my relationship, why does it seem like I get irritated with the way my girl say things and and sometimes the sound of her voice I really want to make it work but I want to stop feeling like that
Thanks for your honesty. I think that it really depends on what she says that irritates you…but it’s no her fault of course. She triggers things inside you that you don’t want to deal with or don’t know how to. Try to notice which buttons she pushes, and realize she is actually doing you a favor by showing you the issues that you really have with yourself – not anyone else.
Hi and thank you!
I can’t quite pin point the start of it but yes there’s lots to it. He worries about his children who stay with us for one weekend in every 3 due to their social arrangements. Being honest I struggle to have any relationship with them as he cosets them when they are here to the degree I feel like a stranger. They are all rude and never speak to me or thank me for their meals. The eldest is a 16 year old girl with gender issues (she’s the one who wants to dress as a wolf to the Comicon), the middle one is 15 and youngest 11. The youngest is a problem as he has ADHD. I totally get that he wants to spend every second with them on their visits and not to be seen as telling them off. I have 1 son still at home and 1 away at uni, I was a single mum for 5 years before I met my husband.
Because we’ve both been married before we decided to get married abroad because none of our family / friends know each other. We had to have a legal ceremony here which despite my protestations he insisted his kids came to. Their behaviour ruined the day. I don’t need to expand but I know my husband would agree. Yet he did nothing on the day to address this.
After we returned from our honeymoon we moved from my house (he moved in with me 2 years earlier) and bought the house we live in now together. I work freelance and very hard for not much money. My husband works full time and very hard. About half his salary goes to his ex. She is on every benefit she can get her hands on and refuses to work incase the 11 year old runs away from school! We have arguments about money as my husband never has much spare so we never go out. I only get paid if I’m working. We rowed because I needed to take some time off work after we moved home because I fell and broke my ankle. He was so annoyed that I was sitting doing nothing and not earning money! I only took 3 days as a result. I was furious and suggested his ex get off her lazy backside so he didn’t have to part with so much of his hard earned cash. He didn’t like this and always protects her.
They have been divorced 8 years as a result of her running off with another woman. She’s single now and has been the past 5 years.
After we moved House she did too, but to council accommodation. I wonder if he feels guilty that we have a lovely home? That’s because we work and have a mortgage.
Another argument came with her move, he wanted to go and help her… I was against this too. He said it was to help the kids. She lives 60 miles away and it would mean him taking time off. We barely have anytime together because he works shifts at a hospital as it is. He didn’t go to help but sulked for days.
He says I’m controlling and selfish. He can be mean for days and then be the lovely man I fell in love with.
I feel I do everything for him. I do ALL the house work, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. I make him bate boxes for work every day. I’m exhausted because despite being freelance I work full time hours. I don’t think he appreciates me.
He seems obsessed over his kids and sits texting all 3 on an eve whilst we eat tea or watch tv. This irritates me too and I’m sure he knows that as will speak my mind from time to time and say it’s rude at the table or that I’ve not seen him all day and have things to discuss. I honestly think if I wasn’t here when he got home he’d not notice for a while!
I know he misses the kids and loves them. That’s the way any good father should be and I’m happy to encourage that. My kids virtually never saw their dad as they were growing up and so it’s lovely to see what a good dad he is. He’s great with my boys too.
What I’m missing is a caring, loving, supportive husband.
I took my vows seriously and am really pd off about our anniversary.
This is typical though. It was my birthday 4 days after we returned from our honeymoon. It was a month later before I got a card and birthday present! And much nagging.
I’m beginning to doubt myself and wonder if I am unreasonable and selfish.
Truely I feel second best all the time. Whether his kids are here or not.
This argument over the anniversary pending is hurting me and is making me angry and I’m begging to hate his kids.
I hope that all makes sense and that you can help. Any advice or constructive criticism greatly appreciated!
I need some help here. Mine is a second marriage of only 9 months and the past 3 I’ve been on egg shells and I don’t know why.
We both have children to former partners.
I’m currently really upset at how he’s handled our forthcoming first anniversary. He’s booked to take his kids away to a Comicon convention the exact same date as our first anniversary! Obviously I was upset and angry when he told me this but I’ve been made to feel that I’m unreasonable not giving him my blessing to go and leave me alone for our first wedding anniversary!
Ever since he’s been horrible to me and I’m even doubting we will make it to the year!
I’ve suggested we book something nice to look forward to for the week before or after but he’s not interested.
Any advice greatly received:)
I would love to try and help but I don’t think I have enough information. There must be something other than this going on underneath the surface. Up until this has happened – everything was perfect?
A lot of what you say is true and I have seen it work even just to change my own perspective because I tend to get too wrapped up in my husband’s moodiness and want to fix it for him. At times, though he seems frustrated with me because I am trying to be a happy person and I have to keep on going with life. I dont want my daughters to learn that their mood should revolve around their dad’s or one day their husband’s. It is very hard and after 21 years, sometimes I either feel single or just separated. Its very lonely for me because I don’t want to talk to other people unless we talk to a counselor. Im not sure if he is chronically depressed or what. I truly am sad for him and also frustrated when he gets irritated and angry over nothing. Praying that I can honor God and be a loving wife and mom.
I think that you are doing great. Keep this line of thought and you’ll see how everything works out for you. I know it.
Thank you so much for this article! Before i read a lot of staff over the internet, and my mind was filled up with all the unnecessary explanations of why my husband is behaving the way he does ( like one of the articles i read mentioned that he may be having an affair) So i was really focused on the wrong things. Thank you for reminding me to focus on the positive sides. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i am so glad to have him in my life. But ups and downs happen in every relationship, and keeping positive helps a lot. Before i even finished reading this article i wrote down just 3 good things about my husband and i felt so much better, i felt relieved, and i was reminded that my husband really loves me. Thank you for this amazing and simple idea of keeping positive you shared with everyone in your simple yet so useful article.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and read my post, I’m happy you liked it. Keep up the positive work!:)
Inspiring article! I felt like you know what I’m feeling and gave perfect advice!
Thanks for your feedback Jamie:). Much appreciated.
Another burden to carry at no fault of my own. Love how men get a free pass to make u feel worthless. Its always us that need to change to accommodate their ego.
I understand how you feel. But, you don’t have accommodate anyone. You have to do what’s best for you – what makes you feel better in the situation – because we can’t control anyone else. Do you really want to give anyone else the power to control how you feel?
I couldn’t agree with you more! Everything I read says to “stroke his ego” while we have to sit back and learn to live with it!
This is so me. 64 and almost 40 years married. Retired in Florida recently. Where would I go? Walk on eggshells every day. When I think it will be a good day, I do something wrong. Been Called awful names. Some with adjectives, Lazy, worthless, stupid, etc. I didn’t put his soda in the freezer just now instead put it in the fridge like I thought he said. Started yelling. I mean it’s just crazy. I really can’t take much more. I don’t deserve this. I don’t really talk to anyone about it. But I’m sure they must know but maybe not how bad it really is. It’s always my fault though. If I assume he took care of something I’m wrong. I can never prove a point. It’s gotten worse since he retired. I always worked part-time since kids were born. They are adults now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to smile and go about like everything’s okay. But it’s not okay. Prayers to all.
I agree with you on this!!!!
Why does the woman have to be the one counseling herself and saying to herself that everything is alright when it’s not.
How long do you think this technique would last? Day dreaming and fantasying about the good when one is currently facing the bad and the bad needs to be tackled.
It is more difficult than it is written if you ask me.
Yeah, make a happy wish list and ignore the abusive husband. This sounds like fantasy.
I’ve tried everything, building him up, praying for him, financially supporting our family when he couldn’t find work, keeping our house spotless (which is no easy task with 3 kids), spring his hobbies, not nagging him about going out with friends, forgiving him for making me feel completely worthless, all of this for YEARS. For years I’ve been walking on eggshells because nothing I do is ever right or enough. I’m losing hippie that things will ever change that he’ll went to be the father our children deserve & the husband I so desperately long for.
I think that if a certain approach doesn’t work, for years, maybe it’s time to try a different one?… Maybe no more walking on egg shells? maybe doing what’s best for YOU? nothing to lose here it seems, right?
I find your article and this response a trap for women …. I am in the midst of a separation from a man whom I have tried your approach with ….. I’m afraid that your approach puts the responsibility on the partner rather than the person who needs to take responsibility for their own actions. Your approach may be appropriate for a short term trial of altering your behaviour but as a long term solution it is unrealistic and bad for ones mental health and self worth
agree with you 100%. It’s about time that the miserable husband took responsibility!
Excellent post, Lisa! The title caught my eye right away. The biggest thing that resonated with me is you stating that women don’t have to say, “Let’s talk about our relationship.” You gave some great tips. Thanks for sharing this on #TrafficJamWeekend.