The 10 Important Questions to Ask a Cheating Spouse

“O.k. Yes. I had an affair with her”.

My husband couldn’t look into my eyes when he finally admitted his 6-month affair with his co-worker.

I went completely silent for about 10 long seconds.

questions to ask a cheating spouse

About 50 questions went through my mind, along with the shock, rage, humiliation, and disbelief.

I didn’t know you can feel so much and at such intensity in 10 seconds.

Before anything else, I felt I had to know every single detail about his affair. Right now.

Key Takeaways

  • Before asking the 10 questions, mentally prepare yourself for how you will feel based on potential answers, as the truth can be difficult to hear.
  • The most important questions to ask revolve around understanding the depth of his feelings, regret, and commitment – not unnecessary intimate details that could cause more pain.
  • If you want to know the odds of him cheating again – use this infographic, or check for serial cheater signs
  • Sign up for this free email series that has helped me overcome my situation.

What? When? Where? Who? Why?

“The Five Ws are questions whose answers are considered basic in information-gathering. They are often mentioned in journalism (cf. news style), research, and police investigations.

They constitute a formula for getting the complete story on a subject.”– Wikipedia

The 5 Ws were definitely my most urging questions, except for “What?. I already knew “what”; it was more of a “say what??” kind of thing.

Unlike many other cheating spouses, my husband chose to stay and answer every question I had.

“She” was someone I knew from his work. I liked her myself. His boss gave them a project they had to work on together.

This project had them spending a lot of time together.

They started going out to “work lunches”, which turned to “dinner lunches” and before he knew it, the work talk turned to intimate talk.

They liked each other. They had a lot in common. They shared their life struggles and finally, they shared a bed too.

The more he told me, the more (unbelievable) pain I felt.

I knew that the more I knew the more upset I will be, but I couldn’t stop asking more and more questions.

I Didn’t Ask the Most IMPORTANT Questions. 

It was only after I found the only resource that got me through this crisis that I realized:

I wasn’t asking the right questions.

Sure, you have to know how it started, where, how many times, etc. Because it teaches you about intention. There’s a difference between an office romance and hooking up with prostitutes, right?

But:

Then I learned about other, more important questions to ask a cheating husband.

These questions can make or break your marriage.

They will show you if there’s a chance of surviving this, and they can help you start your healing journey the right way.

10 Questions to Ask a Cheating Spouse

  1. What did you do with her that you never do with me?
  2. How did you feel after the first time you slept with her?
  3. What did you say to yourself to justify your actions?
  4. Was it hard for you to keep lying to me about what you do and where you are?
  5. What did she offer to you that I never did?
  6. What did you tell her about us? Did you confide in her about our problems?
  7. How did she make you feel when you were with her?
  8. What do you feel for her?
  9. Did you talk about a future together?
    Would you leave me for her if she asked for it?
Get more questions and infidelity recovery advice in this free marriage help! (by marriage expert Mort Fertel)

These 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, if answered honestly, will give you everything you need to know about how and where to go on from here.

They will show you what’s missing in your relationship.

They will show you how and if he really regrets his betrayal. They will show you if he is being honest and if there’s a chance you can trust him again.

They can help you prevent this from ever happening again.

Want to know the odds of him cheating again?

The Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater Infographic:

  • Shows you the odds of cheating again for each of the 7 Types of Affairs
  • Gives you clues that tip-off whether they will cheat again
  • Offer strategies that lower the odds of cheating again
  • Presents revised odds for cheating again after breaking free from the affair

If you want the infographic, which examines all 7 types of affairs, plus additional important information, Go Here.

What to Do If He Refuses to Answer

quotes about lying and deception in a relationship
See more cheating husband quotes

If your husband refuses to answer questions about his affair, it’s not because he doesn’t care about your feelings.

It’s because he knows that the answers will hurt your feelings and he doesn’t want to hurt you more than he already did.

Control your anger and tell him that you need to have some information to start your healing process and that you know that you won’t like the answers but you are well prepared for them.

If you tell him this in a calm manner, I believe he’ll open up and tell you almost everything you want to know.

Read: my husband left me for another woman – can I get him back?

What MY Husband Answered

As a part of my online marriage counseling,  I asked my husband each one of these questions.

I was heartbroken to find that he had real feelings for her. That they indeed “playfully” imagine a future together. That she supported his dreams and fantasies in a way that I didn’t.

But I also realized how truly and honestly he regrets his affair.

I saw how much he was willing to do anything to make things right between us and prevent this from ever happening again.

I saw that he was doing his part in saving our marriage.

Warning: Read This Before Asking Him

These questions are risky.

You may get some information you don’t really want to know or know how to handle. Remember, once you have this information, you can never give it back.

Before you ask your husband these questions, write them down in secret and hold on to them for a few days.

Consider if you really want to know the answers and imagine him answering them in a few ways.

Think about how you would feel and what you’ll do if he answered this or that. It will help you be prepared to hear and discover the truth about your marriage and your relationship.

How to Get the Trust Back After Infidelity

I always say it, and I’ll say it again: Do not try to overcome his affair by yourself.

Having the right kind of advice, preferably in a simple step-by-step format, can be the difference between a restored and renewed marriage and a quick divorce.

And you can’t wait a minute longer. More fruitless fights, accusations, distance, and fear are another step toward divorce.

I recommend the free email series (and 5 marriage assessments) from marriage coach Mort Fertel to get the help you need right now./

For me, it has saved my marriage and helped us make it better than ever. I hope it does the same for you.

What do you think? What is the most important question to ask a cheating partner?

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

Read – My Husband Cheated – Should I Give Him Another Chance? 

79 thoughts on “The 10 Important Questions to Ask a Cheating Spouse”

  1. I was married for 23 years to my childhood sweetheart, after about 8 years of marriage he cheated on me with my supposedly best friend, she got killed in an accident a few years ago, I did not find out about the affair until after her death, he confided in his ex girlfriend (from before we were married). She got upset with him and decided to tell me about the affair with my best friend. He says, he loves only me. I have the problem of not being able to ask her why she would do that to me. We kept each others secrets that no other person knew. I guess that was one secret she will always keep from me.
    He says he will never do it again, but here recently he has been talking about this girl at work everyday he mentions her name to me. He said he was going to have to go to her house to pick up his payroll check. He makes up excuses why she doesn’t bring it to the office. He knows I don’t trust him and yet he still does this to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
  2. I caught my husband two years ago sexting another woman. He claims he was intoxicated while doing it and can’t remember hardly sending the messages. He acts like this somehow excuses his behavior. He also says this was not cheating just inappropriate behavior. How can I forgive him if he doesn’t take ownership of his actions? I know he was not “intoxicated” every time he sent a message. This last incident went on for over a week before I caught him. I want to move on from this and heal. I am just at a loss of how to make this happen.

    Reply
  3. Hello. Me(28yrs) and my husband(39 yrs)have been married 6, going on 7 yrs. Together for 12yrs.
    I found out my husband had an affair with a 21 yr old from work, for 6 months now.
    And a meet up with a 29 yr old for a booty cal.
    I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I want to be better but I’m unsure if his words are true. And he refused to give me straight answers. It’s always ‘i love you and only you’ ‘if you would’ve given me more attention I wouldn’t have even thought of looking at someone else’s or ‘youre the only one that can put up with me and my craziness’
    I am very curious as to why those women. The 29 yr old already has a man. I guess they connected because both feel lonely.
    The 21 yr old was a connection through sexual needs. She is young and very sexual, and he had been taking more manly vitamins to boost it.
    But I felt lonely when all he does is work, work, work. At his actual job, work at home with car repairs, and home work.
    I felt so lonely and depressed, he had the nerve to break me down more. Saying no one wants to be around someone depressed all the time…
    So I eventually went to counseling and worked on myself. Found out I had childhood trauma that stopped me from having sexual interactions with my husband.
    Now we both understand why I am the way I am. And why he did what he did.
    But I still feel a less connection with him and I fear he’ll do it again if I fall off

    Reply
    • No idea where to begin together 30yrs/ married 6month seperated 4yrs would hv been 34yrs together he wants to come back actually he is here now there is a distance on my part he is trying but I’m afraid he will do it again ..would love to trust an spend rest our lives together me 58yrs him 57yrs.

      Reply
  4. Married 15 years Together 25 high school sweethearts. I found out Thanksgiving eve by my husband that he’d been cheating with a female he met on a dating site for 6 months. He tried cutting it off with her and she contacted him 2 months later saying she was pregnant and threatened to tell me. He paid her to have an abortion. Also this act was done in our home while I was at work. I’m not sure if I can forgive him for bringing her to the home and possibly making a baby. What would be your thoughts for me to forgive and save my marriage?

    Reply
  5. My husband had an emotional affair. Took me on holiday with her and her husband. I’d no idea till I noticed how different his behavior was when in her company. I looked back over 4 years and I put the jigsaw together. After confronting him he denied or couldn’t remember anything. I stuck it out for 4 years then left him. They’d had time alone for years. He was telling me how sorry he felt for her as her marriage wasn’t great. I was concerned but I trusted him. If I asked what they talked about he said just family stuff but didn’t talk about me.
    We’ve been separated for a year now. I only wanted honesty to answer my questions. I got lies.
    Emotional affairs are deadly especially when you have trusted your partner.
    I’m lonely now but I’d rather be alone than life with a liar.

    Reply
  6. I’m 30 years old and my wife is 27 years old.we are married for 10 years now.i found out she was cheating me for 4 years with a 60 year old man whom I used to work with.How I found out is when the guy send a text saying how can you leave me after all this year’s and saying you can’t hide from me.when I asked her why did it last so long,she said when I want to end the affair he always treaten her saying I will tell your husband about us and she continued with him because she didn’t want him to tell me.During the lockdown she tried to end the affair thats when the guy send the text saying you can’t leave after all this year’s we been together.When I asked her why where you with him she said I wanted someone who will look after me if maybe we breakup.But when I saw it was wrong what I was doing I tried to end it but the guy refused and treaten her.My question is she telling the truth and does she still loves me or she still love that guy after all this year’s their where together.what questions should I ask her.

    Reply
    • I am sorry for the betray and suffering you are going through, I truly think you don’t deserve that. Her answer is not true, that’s a lie. If you want to save your marriage it is okay but make sure she is also willing to save it as well, asking the right questions and observing her actions will tell you if you are a team or not. I am the betrayed wife, and I recently just found out and my husband “wants to save the marriage too” but I haven’t asked the right questions yet, will do very soon. It hurts and it is humiliating to be on our side may God help us. Be strong, and it would be nice if you can find another job so you don t see that old idiot every day, your wife should do the same.

      Reply
  7. Hello Lisa, thank you for this article.
    I’m not yet married but I had been cheated on. I can’t even ask him why because I was afraid of the answers. That I’m not good enough or he’s tired of me. It’s even hard to move on because I have invested my time, effort and feelings on that relationship. I just realized that at the end of the day, it’s still up to me to device. Like if you believe there is hope for your relationship or marriage or if you need to move on and move forward.

    Reply
  8. I have been going through this for the past 3 years and one thing I learned it is not the betrayed’s fault. The unfaithful owns 100% of the blame. If they can not accept that, then don’t waste your time trying to fix the relationship.

    Reply
  9. What about virtual affairs? How can you forgive and deal with those issues? I found out that my husband of 11 years had signed up on dating/sex websites. Sexually cheated with multiple women and sent naked pictures of himself. There were over 50 websites. Now he refuses to answer any questions about his actions. He will only say he was just looking at pictures and not looking to hook up with anyone. Please help. I feel like I am loosing it mentally.

    Sincerely
    Heaven

    Reply
    • Omg!! The same here! My husband cheated on me virtually and with over 48 different women that he was sexting and talking to on the phone. He made plans to meet with some of them. I don’t know if he did because almost 3 years later and he will not answer any of my questions and still blames me for what he did! I am so tired of the lies and secrets. We have gone through therapy but it’s the same thing every time! I don’t want to give up on my marriage but there is no trust, no love from me anymore! Just our children and our home!
      I just don’t know what to do or what my next step will be!

      Reply
    • How is it going now ? I’m having this problem now just that I have been engaged and been with him for 15 years. Any advice?

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    • I know exactly how you feel! I am going through the exact same thing! I feel like I’m losing my mind daily!! And to make things worse, he’s a narcissist AND we have children together. I feel like I walk on eggshells every day just to keep the peace for our children. I know it isn’t healthy for me mentally or physically but I just don’t know what to do. If he even thinks I’m thinking about leaving, he threatens me and begins to get loud, angry, and out of control. I just don’t know if the confrontation is worth the consequences after.

      Reply
  10. I found out my husband had been cheating on me for 4 years with a coworker when I was 25 weeks pregnant. 3 years ago, the coworkers exboyfriend messaged me on Facebook saying he had caught them in a hotel together and to watch my back. I confronted my husband and believed him that this was not true. Fast forward to now, I had a weird feeling something was going on and found proof that he had been going to hotels with her, buying gifts and sending flowers and cards. It took a week after I first confronted him for him to admit that they had an on and off relationship for 4 years and that he loved her but wants to be with me. He said everything was over with her. I really want to believe him for the sake of our daughter but everytime I bring up the subject (calmly I must add) he clams up and doesnt seem to answer my questions in full. I feel like I dont know the man I married as this started before he even proposed to me and am scared that it will happen again.

    Reply
    • Yes, it’s very hard to act like everything is o.k when you know there’s a dark cloud over your relationship. Try this: take these questions and answer them in your mind, on a piece of paper, as if he is the one that’s answering. If you had to answer instead of him, what would he answer? write the answers down and give them to him. Ask him to tell you if your answers are accurate. He will be tempted to “fix” any of the “mistakes” and if you do this calmly – he will give you the real answers you need.

      Reply
  11. I asked my husband if he would answer them 10 questions. I explain to him it would help me move on and overcome his betrayal. His response was No! Thank to me is he dosen’t want to be truthful to this marriage.

    Reply
  12. On Sunday night my husband went out and came home at 4:30am. He goesbput most weekends and come home at 1 or 2 am but never this late. Next morning I was went through his phone and saw uber from an address which is closer to where he hangs out with his friends but I still wasn’t satisfied so I went through his pockets and found Receipts for bowling and hotel. I was confused but calm. I finally got the courage to ask him when he was having his breakfast. I asked where he’d been that night and he angrily answered that he was with his friends. I asked him all night, doing what? He again angrily answered they were just handing out. That’s when I told him I found the receipts. I inhaled deeply. I asked are you cheating on me. He said yes. He said he might her at work (not a colleague) at the smoking area in Nov, they got talking and she asked for his name and found him on messenger. They’ve met up a few times for drinks and have made a connection. He thinks he has feelings for her and and when I asked if he’ll see her again he said he’s not sure. I asked if he loves me and he said he loves me but not in love with me. I asked are we breaking up and he nodded yes. So I asked him to leave that same day. Just to mention when they met I was 6 months pregnant and we now have a 2 month old as well as a 4 year old. We’ve been together since our teens, 14 years although but married for a year and the half. I’m feel so betrayed and embarrassed and alone. I never ever imagined he was the type. Though we have lots of small arguments, we’ve never had a huge row or boiler fight. He’s lazy and passive and I’m more outgoing and do all the house keeping, cooking and childcare. He never wants to spend time with me and I’m always angry with him because I feel neglected. I’ve been feeling like I’m dying inside and sometimes regret having children with him. I want to safe my marriage but I feel like I will have to take charge as always. I want him to do the work and show remorse and try to save his family but I doubt he will get the courage to do that.

    Reply
    • It sounds like he’s showing you what he wants and demonstrating what he wants.
      Just a suggestion, Read the book “ Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It’s a road map and it may help you decide to stay with or not..
      It sounds like he went out to try something different. Not ok, never will be, and it’s on her if she knew he was married- I’m guessing he would have had a ring on his finger…
      Then it’s on him that he gave her his messenger name…
      Honey No one can tell you what to do,
      You and your children need to come first.
      Ask yourself who he is putting first?
      Then ask yourself what kind of mum you are to your little ones when your own needs aren’t met?
      I sense you’re a beautiful lady, and frankly, life is too short to stick about for someone who clearly doesn’t respect you and has told you outright how they feel. I don’t say that lightly. I’m not suggesting you give up on your marriage, I’m saying ask yourself what kind of marriage you have now?

      Your soul will heal in time. Just remember this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his needs being met by someone else. That’s the sting !
      Yes, that sounds harsh and I’m only going on what your message says. I don’t think it’s about courage.
      Give him an ultimatum-
      You and your marriage and full disclosure – or walk and have her and lose you.
      Tough call
      I wish you all the best.
      Hugs
      Mama T.

      Reply
    • When you realize what your worth is you wont tolerate this behavior. You deserve better and will find that. God is making room for the right man but he wont send him as long as your with the wrong one. Its his loss let him be her problem. It wont last and then he will try to come back. Raise your standards and realize you and your kids deserve better.

      Reply
  13. I found out my partner of 12 years was cheating on me with his ex for 6 months before I found out. I questioned him basically said if u think there is an ounce of a chance of us working out u will be honest. He answered every question I had asked only because I kept saying if u wana sort this be honest and I k ow when u r lieing. We are working on it and at first it seemed he was making the effort said it wasn’t a regular thing with the woman n swore on my and his life he would never cheat again. (He has never sworn on anyone life as that’s serious to him)
    But now it’s as if nothing was found out. Everything is sort of back to before but when I question it he does say I told u I wouldn’t ever again. I want to believe him I really do he is religious so more so with his word. His promises mean nothing and nor does a sorry. Am I being paranoid or am I sensing what I did before.

    Reply
    • I don’t think you are being paranoid. He did it once and he can do it again. However, this was a result of a problem in your relationship and if this problem is not “fixed” or talked about – it may happen again.

      Reply
    • What you allow is what will continue.
      I’ve been there. I lost so much and couldn’t even trust him to go anywhere, do anything, and both of us resented it so much.
      By the end, I was a insecure, clingy wreck.
      I hope you get through this and please seek help, idk if anyone can do it alone. Move on detached and confident in the life you have ahead, not policing someone that needs his ego stroked like a boy. He’s a man, and should act it.

      Reply
    • Gym says…..
      My husband swore on his mommas grave he never slept with her! He was a huge mommas boy! Everyone would of believed that coming from him… that he hasn’t slept w her after swearing on his mommas grave! Oh’ He did! He actually slept with her more than a couple times! Please don’t be as naïve as I was n think for a second bc he swore that he didn’t! Because He Did!‍♀️

      Reply
  14. Been married 20 together for almost 25, 3 weeks ago A friend called me to say she heard my husband was hsving an affair my first reaction was to brush it off but she said to just check and look for signs at the same time i took a pause and thought for the very first time thst it may be possible. We have been in a rut for the past 2 yeads he has been unaffectionate and short tempered with me and whereas we used to tslk a lot now its just silence so suddenly what she said made sense.

    I acted nirmal went about our routine but at the same time started snooping around. I felt strongly about it when suddenly he had a dofferent psswprd on his phones (we used to share as a fmailybour passwords) and when inasked for it he was hesitant and irritable so so not like him. Somi digged and found wvidence of a text message with a common froend of ours asking him about the girl and when their anniversary etc is. I was sooooo pissed it was pasr midnight and i woke him up. He asked why and insaod we need to talk so i asked him if he was aware there is a rumor going on around about him and a girl ofcourse he denied inevdn mentioned the name and he said its not true and theyvhust work togjeteht on some projects. Inasked again and he said maybe he flirted anyway this went on a fee minutes and i said let me check your phone i actually already had the proof saved on mine (he didnt know that) he was very hesitant and then woukdnt let me read it saying its orivate inthrew a bottle at him cursed him until i got my way. Scrolled down to the message ans asked him what the hell is this?

    He finally admitted and said it only lasted 4 months and it was over. My world crsshed i wanted to beat him up. This happened a few days ago he begged for another chance to make it right but insaod i dont know and before we even try intold him to look inside of him if he truly wants to be with me because inwould rather be alone than with somebody whomdoesnt love me , want me or respect me even if we have 2 young kids ages 9 and 5. He begged and first thing i cud think of was to get him to take a medical test for any std and hiv intold hom thatbwas non negotiable. He hs complied With that ansd tested the very next day. I am at a limbo now , inknow that with all the pain and anger even then inwould still try and work it out but my question is how will i know whether to really pirsue or just forget it. What questions should i be asking him ans asking myself. I plan to have a more indepth talk with him ovdr the weekend for the pst 2 days its status quo ive been civil but made it clear that i am still very angry and whatever civility i show him isnfor he benefit of the kids ans my sanity. Any advise?

    Thanks!

    Reply
  15. Was married 13 yrs, working full time and attending college full time. Right before graduation I got involved with a woman 10 yrs my junior. My wife begged me to go to counseling but I divorced instead. After s miserable 6 months I asked my wife if I could come back. Against the wishes of most of her family, she let me come back. It took awhile and lots of work, but we got through it. She developed a back problem requiring a walker for mobility. After a year of care her back issue resolved. She told me one day that I never had to tell her I loved her again, because she knew from how I had taken care of her. We just celebrated our 35 yr of being married. We are both retired and I enjoy her as my wife more each day. Needless to say, after we reconciled, we made massive improvements in the manner, mode and frequency of communication. So there is always hope when both parties are willing to try.

    Reply
  16. Rose,
    Earlier this year my husband of 4 years had an “supposedly” non-physical affair. This is not the 1st marriage for either of us, he’s been married several times & I was widowed. He had left his phone at home by accident one morning. His boss had called, so I answered, then I noticed a client had texted & messaged him & was going to let her know she could contact him at the office. I started to read the messages & they were very sexual, his responses were the same. As I was reading them, they were things he says to me when we are intimant. I let this woman know I knew & I was going to let her husband know, cause why should my house be the only one in turmoil, I never did though. I confronted my husband and he swore they never did anything except talk. We went to our Pastor for some counseling but I still feel like he didn’t tell me the whole truth. I love him but I just can’t fully trust him.

    Reply
  17. I have suspected my husband of cheating for a month. After repeatedly coming home late and catching him in lies. I looked at the locations on his phone. He has been leaving work early meeting someone at random places. And the last place was a hotel. He won’t own up to anything. He says his phone is not correct. I know he is lying. We’ve been married 20 yrs.

    Reply
  18. I’m currently in a relationship with a man who cheated on me four times. I traveled some weeks and he claims “he got bored” or “I fell asleep and he had nobody to talk to” and I want to forgive him because I love him but, I don’t know what is right. I have been contemplating our future for a month. It makes me hesitant because he also cheated on his ex-girlfriend with the same woman. He has changed and became such an amazing person, but sometimes I’m scared that he is using me for sex and am not sure we are both in the relationship for the right reason. We have been together a long time, and I can’t tell if I love him and want to be with him or I am just scared to move on.

    Reply
  19. Hi Lisa, am staying with my husband to be… We’ve been together for 3 years and have two kids.it’s a distance relationship. He doesn’t text me..when he calls me too,he usually gets angry when I talk for more than a minute.
    He says his ex is more beautiful than I am.he hates it when I try to advice him.he doesn’t share his dreams with me.
    I saw a picture of his feet and another lady having breakfast on his phone but he said it’s his friend.. Asked him if he’s cheating but gave me this,”my mum didn’t give birth to me for you”…please Lisa, should I allow him to continue the rest of the rites of the marriage??? Am so scared of marrying him officially…

    Reply
    • To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t marry him at this point, while your relationship is like this. I think that deep down you know this too. Follow your inner voice.

      Reply
    • Esther,
      I cant say I know what your going through exactly because I haven’t been in a relationship where my partner had cheated on me. But I have been in an abusive relationship and I can tell you all those things that he is doing to you is called abuse.
      Think for a second if he’s acting like this towards you already imagine how he would threat you once your his wife.
      No sweetie don’t do that to yourself, you will be much better once you leave him. Trust me.
      I wish you the best of luck, everything happens for a reason.

      Reply
  20. Hello I’m currently trying to over come my husband cheating on me with a coworker of his. He left me and my children to be with her. He used the excuse as to me pushing him away. He destroyed me and took all the trust and love i had for him. It only lasted him 2 weeks and he was regreting everything he did. I gave him a second chance. But the what ifs and what did I do wrong pop up in my head. It’s not easy when you find out he slept with her, because if he really loved me like he says he would never have slept with her. I face my self with alot of anger and resentment. Did he do this and that with her, my sex life will never be the same cause I picture him with her. He flirted with her, he told her nice things, he made me to be the bad guy in the marriage. When all I did was everything for him. But this women has no respect for herself she called him leaving voicemail after voicemail stating he loved her , she wanted him to work things out with her, that if it didn’t work with us he can always go back to her. The worst part of all this is we have children and it affected them. He left his job and changed his phone number but what makes me think this women won’t come looking for him. I’m scared to trust him to love him again. What should I do.

    Reply
    • Carrie,

      I understand all your concerns. But, what if you could manage to expect the best instead of the worse? Let’s say it’s a 50/50 chance for both, right? How would you feel if you could stay hopeful, trusting and expece the best? Wouls it make you feel better? Because it’s all about how YOU feel. You can’t control her and you can’t control him, you can only control yourself.
      I promise you that no matter how angry you are (and obviously you are, and rightfully so) – him sleeping with someone else does not mean he doesn’t love you. Blaming others for our mistakes is the most common mistake everyone does. Decide: are you a victim or are you a powerful woman that knows her worth and knows what she wants?
      If nothing else, we can always choose how we feel. No one can make us feel anything we don’t want to feel. Control your thoughts, don’t let them control you.
      It’s always either love, or fear. What do you choose?

      Reply
    • I can’t even get my cheater to admit he cheated. ! How can I do that ? Plz. Help. He bought the phone , hence the email name !

      Reply
  21. So just over a week ago I found out my partner had cheated.
    We went to a wedding I drove, he got very drunk. When I put him to bed his phone bleeped. I have a look and it’s the other woman sending him a picture of me! Yes me his partner of 11 years.! Asking who I am!. I was lik wtf! Obviously messaged her back to find out when he went on a stag do he slept with her…he then blocked her number on his return and a week later unblocked it. Anyway since being back his met up with her 4times! Slept with her a father 2 times in hotels his paid for!. (He works away Monday to Friday but has his own flat where he works). I thought to myself why would he turn a one night stand which he properly could of got away with into a full blown 2 month affair.
    Anyway his sorry….doesn’t want to leave me for her….said it was more the thrill of it that he liked. Blah blah blah!. I want you to work it out with him as we have a child together, we’ve not long brought a house Together and well I love him.
    But how the hell do I get these images out of my head?? Or the thought his going to do it again!.

    Reply
  22. I have been married 24 years and 1 year ago my daughter walked in on my husband talking to another woman on the phone and it wasn’t me. She told me about it and I put a voice recorder in his truck and recorded a whole conversation with the other woman. The other woman is 18 years younger than him, his employee’s daughter (old enough to be his own daughter) and a different nationality. I was crushed. They talked about naked pictures, sexting, and their time spent together. I confronted my husband and he admitted to the sexting and pictures but would not admit to sex. He told me he didn’t know how it happened and he was sorry. When I look back on the events that happened around that time he literally was leading a double life. He was talking to her for a few months and then for about 3 weeks the sexting and naked pictures and sex went on. I have 4 kids and wanted to make it work for them. I have held on for 1 year now and it feels like yesterday that it happened. He won’t talk about it, go to counseling, admit to sex even though I think he did. I saw the other woman in Wal Mart last week and talked to her. I wanted her to admit to me that they had sex. She wouldn’t admit it. She told me to let it go and it was a mistake. I don’t trust him but I love him. I can’t imagine a life without him. For the past year though we haven’t even fought once. He is more caring and kind than he has ever been. Should I demand the whole truth or let his conscience catch up to him.

    Reply
    • I think the whole truth is not so important at this point, and you can trust your instincts. He doesn’t want to tell the whole truth because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Try to focus on your relationship being better now and expecting only the best from now on.

      Reply
  23. Hi there my husband confess a few days that he cheated on me. I am so broken I need help to release this pain is there a way I can receive counseling with u through the phone.

    Reply
    • Brenda,

      I’m sorry but I am not a counselor and I can’t talk on the phone, but you can write me an email and I promise to get back to you. You can find me email in the contact page.

      Reply
  24. I have been married for almost 2 years, I just found out last month my husband cheated supposedly only 1x time…. I almost think I could forgive him except the woman is pregnant and she claims my husband is the Father, to add insult to injury I have been diagnosed with infertility and in order for us to have child I have to do ivf which is very expensive, He supports me and wants me to do the ivf however I can not except a child that was conceived during my marriage he says he is sorry but I am having a hard time dealing with this whole diaster. The baby is due in April so I have to wait until then to even see if the baby is his. I have no children of my own . I am talking to a therapist however I am very angry with him.

    Reply
  25. I found out on Christmas my husband was cheating on me for over 2 years. We’ve been married for 10 years and we have 2 young kids. Its been 7 months I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t think I can move on but except to leave him or have my own revenge. Which I know will still bring no comfort. Some days are better than others but when I found out he did it to hurt me it devastate me into thinking why he did this. He said I wasn’t there for him. What angers me is the torment from wanting to be with him and wanting to cheat on him as well. What can I do to be at peace?

    Reply
    • Darlene,

      The only way to be at peace is to forgive.
      You don’t have to stay with him, you don’t have to leave him. But you do have to forgive to be at peace.
      It’s not simple, I know.
      Revenge will only make things worse. For you.
      I think you already know, deep inside, the answer.

      Reply
  26. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair. He is a UPS driver and met her on his route. He says that it was an emotional affair, that nothing sexual happened, not even a kiss. But they talked and texted literally all day long, five days a week, for almost a year. When she would run to make a bank deposit for the place she worked, she would find him on his route to stop and talk nearly everyday. At first, he said they were just friends, but the amount of conversations between the two was insurmountable. The evidence pointed to way more than a friendship. The most painful part was when I looked on our cell records and saw where he had called her everyday while we were on our family vacation. He would leave every morning to get me and the kids breakfast and talk to her for nearly 30mins and then they would talk about 3 more times throughout each day. After asking several times if he had feelings for her and him denying it, he finally admitted that they began telling each other that they loved each other over the last 2-3 months. But he states that he loved her, but was not in love with her and that he never even thought about wanting to be with her over me. When asked about what all they talked about, he repeatedly states that he does not remember. He says it was just mundane conversation about music, basketball, family, etc.. but they never had any intimate or sexual conversations. I find that very hard to believe. He says he was just addicted to talking and texting her, but that was as far as it went. He said they tried to stop talking once and it lasted about a week before they began talking again. I asked why, if he loved her only as a friend, and knew that if I caught him that he may lose everything, could he not stop this relationship? He simply says that he was addicted to talking to her and does not know why he did it or could not stop it. The only reason they are not still talking and seeing each other is because I caught them. He immediately, ended things with her, the minute it all came out. He fell apart, saying that he had ruined his whole life and that he could not live without me. He even threatened killing himself. We are currently trying to keep our marriage together, and he is appearing to be a changed man, doing anything and everything to help me through this. However, I still do not feel I am getting the whole truth. I cannot comprehend how they could be so obsessed with talking and texting and seeing him on his route everyday, even going so far as to talk 4 times a day on our vacation, but not be sleeping together. I don’t see how he could have feelings for her and not be able to stop seeing her, knowing the risks, and then suddenly lose those feelings for her and stop seeing her when I catch him. What makes me more suspicious that there is more, is that he is so very vague with answering my questions. He just keeps saying he doesn’t remember. And he is so very eager to just move on. He keeps telling me that he feels that if we just keep talking about this, it reopens the wounds and we take a step backward instead of forward. I need your thoughts on this. I want to find a marriage counselor, but there is not much to choose from where we live and he works late hours that no one is willing to work with us on. Do you feel there is more than he is telling me? It is hard to move on or try to fix our marriage when I don’t feel I am getting everything. And how do we prevent his from happening again if he doesn’t know why he did it or why he couldn’t stop?
    Please help!

    Reply
    • Tabitha,

      You must feel awful, I know.
      It’s only my opinion of course, but I think you’re obviously right. Our intuition is never wrong, by the way.
      He is not telling you the whole truth and of course he is lying when he says he doesn’t remember. But, try to think why he is lying:
      He does that because he is afraid he will lose you if he tells you the whole truth, you must know that, right?
      I think he probably has some feelings for her, otherwise he wouldn’t bother talking and texting her for a year, every day.
      On the other hand, he obviously wants to do everything possible to fix your marriage. Not telling you the truth is a part of it.
      If knowing the truth is what’s most important to you right now, there’s a smart way to go about it:
      He has to understand that even if he tells you the truth, you won’t leave him.
      That’s the only way he’ll tell you everything.
      I’m not saying you should promise to stay with him. No. I’m just saying that’s the only way he’ll confess.
      Now you have to ask yourself what’s the most important thing to you at this point: Knowing the truth (you already know it deep down, he doesn’t have to tell you) or trying to fix things NOW.
      You need outside help. If not a counselor that a church, anything. When he feels secure he will tell you everything, and then you can really start to fix things from the root.
      I hope this helps and hang in there, everything will be just as it’s meant to be.
      Lisa

      Reply
      • Thank you for replying. I am tortured with all my unanswered questions and the feelings of not knowing the whole truth, but feeling I really do. It is so hard to know where to go from here. I want to believe that it was just talking and texting and nothing sexual, but I just can’t see that with how much they talked and texted. The worst part is that unless one of them cracks, I may never know for sure. He is adament that he never physically touched her in any way. One minute I try to believe that and the next minute my thoughts haunt me and I don’t know how to get past it to save our marriage. Some people say that he had an affair. What difference does it matter if it was sexual or emotional? Either way, he was unfaithful. My reasoning for needing to know, is that I simply want the truth. If he cannot be honest about the past, how can he be honest about the future?

        Reply
        • dear tabitha,
          your husbands behavior exactly mirrors mine.he met his affair partner at gym where for 5 months they would workout together and leave together prompting someone who saw their behavior to inform me.when i confronted him he flat out denied the existence of the girl who by the way has 2 kids at 23 and is in a live-in relationship.it was 2 weeks after d-day when he admitted that she was his special friend but that he swears on all his loved ones’ lives that he never touched her.that he just found “happiness” with her.he got so angry whenever i asked questions and more often than not he would either say he doesnt know or he doesnt remember.we both know the truth dont we? but them refusing to help heal us of all this pain by continually lying is the greatest betrayal of all. truth be told tabitha, we are not the ones who dont want to move on.they are.because they want us to go back to the trusting spouses that we were and they are free to talk with their special friends.

          Reply
  27. I just found out last night that my husband of 4years is cheating on me with a girl he works with. He said it’s been going on for a month or so and it was just a few kisses a few times in her car after a lunch they had together. He said that he was weak and vulnerable and regrets it and wants to be with me and work on our marriage. He said it wasn’t a sexual thing but that she made him feel good about himself and he liked it. He said it was awkward and it was after hugs. She is married too and they work together in the same office. He sent her a message last night and told her that it has to end and that he loves me and wants to rebuild our marriage and that I knew about them. Her response was “I understand”.

    He has a long history of lying to me and we have been trying to work past those issues for the last 6-12 months and rebuild trust. And then I find this. I’m devastated. I’m lost. I never thought this would happen. He keeps saying that he loves me and he’s sorry and only wants what we used to be.

    Reply
    • Marissa,

      I understand how you feel.

      If I understand correctly, he was the one that confessed about this?

      I don’t know why, but it’s the first thing that I thought about after you wrote about the history of lies.

      Maybe you could look at this as him trying really hard to stop lying? If he came and told you about this himself…

      To me it sounds like he is telling the truth about why it happened – She made him feel good about himself, and maybe he doesn’t feel very good about himself at this point in life, probably consumed in guilt about lying to you.

      Again, I understand how you feel, but it seems to me that you’re going the right way. Maybe this is the darkest hour before the sun comes up?

      Reply
  28. Karen,

    First of all, I don’t think you’re crazy at all. It’s perfectly normal to want to give your new marriage another chance.

    Other people may think you are crazy but only those who haven’t been in your shoes. Only those people can really understand you.

    I believe your husband when he says he doesn’t know why he did this. He probably doesn’t. But, this doesn’t mean that you two can just “move on” and ignore what happened, becuase that will assure this will happen again.

    If you want to give your marriage another chance you both have to understans that you have to get to the bottom of this. Talk and talk until there’s smoke in the house – Until you figure out what has made him do this.

    It’s NOT your fault. Something is missing in HIM. And it has nothing to do with you.

    I suggest that you read my post about why men have affairs, it may help you get started with understanding this whole thing, and give you a starting point to talk about.

    https://how-to-save-marriage.org/why-men-have-affairs/

    I would also talk to him about signing a “post affair agreement”. It’s nothing legal, but it’s something he has to agree to if he really wants you to stay with him. Here’s my post about it:

    https://how-to-save-marriage.org/restore-the-trust/

    I hope this helps and hang in there, everything will be alright.

    Lisa

    Reply
  29. Hi Lisa,

    My husband and I have been together for two years and have been married for two and half months. I found out this week that he cheated on me recently with a woman he met on Craigslist (GROSS!). They exchanged over 500 emails in the past two weeks. I found out because the woman found out he was married (Facebook) and sent me a message. She was cheating on her husband as well. I confronted him and he has begged me to stay, that he’ll never do it again, that it was a stupid mistake but he doesn’t know why he did it. It has been the longest week. I’ve asked many of the questions in your post on my own. He doesn’t like talking about it and he’s ready to move forward with us. I understand why…he knows I’m devastated. I feel like I’m mourning a loss. I love this man. This man is MY husband and he did this to me. I’m so worried that people (were they ever to find out – no one knows) would think I was idiot for wanting to give my marriage a chance. We just got started and I want my husband back. Am I crazy for thinking we can do this despite of what’s happened?

    Reply
  30. Love yourself enough to not need to ask. Show him the door and never look back. Trust me on this one. Been at the questions phase. The problem isn’t you. It’s him.

    Reply
  31. Joei,

    I think probably deep inside you already knew this, for the whole 2 years, right?

    Unfortunately adults don’t tend to kiss and leave it at that…

    I know it is devestating for you. But I think you should remember that this is not 2 years ago.

    2 years have passed. Have you managed to heal your marriage? Dis something change? Do you now communicatre better? Did you regain your trust in him?

    If the answers for these questions are yes, than I wouldn’t choose to run away as a solution.

    He made a mistake. A huge mistake. But the question is how are things with you NOW.

    Some people use a crisis like this to really open up and be better friends. Some use it to run away.

    Your friend’s husband is running away. You don’t have to, just because HE did.

    If what really angers you is the fact that he has lied about it, I understand. I don’t mean to defend him, but he lied because he didn’t want to lose you. I’m sure that is still true. He has confirmed it because he probably feels in a safer place and is able to tell you the truth without fear.

    These are just my thoughts and I’m no expert. I do hope it helps and hang in there. Everything happens for a reason. A good reason. There’s a lesson to be learned here.
    What’s your lesson?

    Lisa

    Reply
  32. I found out my husband kissed my best friend about 2 years ago. That was like a bullet through my heart. We stopped being friend with her and her husband and we worked through it. Then a couple of days ago, my ex-friend’s husband contacted me and said she admitted to sleeping with my husband and they are now getting a divorce….. he thought I had a right to know. I confronted my husband and even though I already knew it was true, I was hoping he would say it wasn’t…. but he confirmed and I’m devastated. I don’t even know how to proceed or feel about any of this…

    Reply
  33. I been with My husband for 15years and every year he cheat on me I love him but now I and feed up with everything and I want out I can’t trust him anymore all he do is lie and I don’t not what to do

    Reply
  34. Stephanie,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    I don’t really understand why you act like nothing happened…I know you want to keep it together for the sake of the kids but acting like nothing happened won’t make it go away.

    You’ll have to deal with it. He has to deal with it.

    I don’t know about him – Is he regretting his affair? Is he trying to work things out?

    Sweeping the dirt under the rug is not going to do it.

    If he regrest his actions and willing to do everything to work it out – Here’s a post that I think will help you:

    https://how-to-save-marriage.org/restore-the-trust/

    If he doesn’t show remorse and just wants you to “get over it” – It’s a different story. It means that he may do it again in the future, in the near future to be exact, or that he never ended it in the first place.

    If you’d like, come back and tell me more about your situation.

    Hang in there,

    Lisa

    Reply
  35. My husband and I have been together for 12 years have 3 kids together! He cheated on me in February with some girl from a bar and then they had a 4 week relationship before I found out! I am feeling so much anger that I can’t get over it I act like we are fine and I get a little grouchy because I feel like I can’t get over it! I just need a little advise I told myself I would stay because of the kids but not sure that was the right decision.

    Reply
  36. Me and my husband been together 27 yes married 7. He cheated on me last month. Idk what to next she’s 20 yrs younger than him and I. I feel like I shouldn’t trust anything he says or does. Honestly our home’s a wreck and so sad.

    Reply
  37. Just tonight, I found out that my husband has been cheating. I’m devastated. We have a 16 month old daughter. He expressed remorse. He cried. Still I feel like I should have taken the baby and left. He apparently created an account on a dating website. He texted this woman. They met. They kissed. Nothing else, he says. I knew it when it happened. Something in my gut told me. I found proof tonight. Albeit, accidentally. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel like my entire world has just been destroyed. Sigh.

    Reply
    • Wow I’m sorry. That’s horrible, you probably can’t sleep at all at night, with your baby and thoughts about this. I know.

      The fact that he has planned this, by registering on a dating site, is what worries me most. This means that something is missing in your relationship (obviously I’m not saying it’s your fault) and should be adressed and solved, otherwise this will happen again.

      Showing regret will not be enough here, you need to figure out the root cause for this. WHY it has happened, to prevent it from happening again.

      Here’s my post about why men cheat, I hope it helps you start with this “why” process, and hang in there, everything will be alright.

      https://how-to-save-marriage.org/why-men-have-affairs/

      Reply
  38. Hi I found out 10 years a go that my husband was cheating on me we were just coming up to our silver wed anniversary it had gone on for about 18 months it was like he was leading a double life to me it feels like yesterday I don’t feel that he is sorry for what he has done but sorry he got caught I am at this moment suffering from bad depression and feel like I want him to ansew all the questions he never answered is it too late it may be a long time ago but I need closure

    Reply
    • I don’t think it’s ever too late and if you feel you need it, than you need it. It’s more than legitimate.

      Reply
  39. Dear Sheree,
    I have a long distance marriage and have a daughter from our married and we’ve been together almost 5 years. I have suspected my husband has an affair since half years ago based on his changed routines, the way he talking to me and many ackward things that I felt. And it is true happened wen I asked to him for the last time couple weeks ago and he admitted live with somebody else, and he said it’s been few months and he can’t hide again and he also can’t lie again to me. I feel like thunder strike my head wen i hear he admitted it, and it hurts me so badly till now. Few days after I found out I ask him what he wants to do with this and he said he doesn’t know, and he also admitted he has feeling at her. I was devastated but Im trying hard to be strong for our daughter I want to stay in the marriage for our daughter and honestly I’m still have a feeling to him and I want to fix the marriage but I know it needs two parties. So far he told me that it’s over and he told to the girl to fuck off and he choose me and our family is important but at that time i heard that girl comitted to suicide. I dunno know it is true or not because we talk about this over the phone and sms. How do I know he wants to stay in the marriage or not for sure. What should I do??? I’m so stressful and frustrated. Please I need ur advice.

    Reply
  40. Hello I just came across this post because… I just got my proof my husband has been cheating. I have confronted him about a yr ago but never had proof so it went nowhere. We haven’t been together for almost a yr. I had to give up because it was killing me. Well recently we’ve become close and all about our family of 4 (boy 6 & daughter 5) and we have almost become bff. He’s my family. Anyway he blew up on me this morning completely not like him (he’s the quite type). Long story short I got mad threw his phone in the dryer and left for work. Came home his phone still in the dryer (he never found it before leaving for work). I went through it and there it is. I WAS RIGHT! I WASNT CRAZY! Now what? I don’t know how to confront him. It has to be done when we can talk alone. But with kids that won’t be for another day. Any advice would be appreciated

    Reply
  41. Sherry,
    Tomorrow will be 8 years since my husband and I starting dating but only married 1yr and a half. My Grandma had terminal Cancer so we moved up our wedding date fast. He told me how he was scared but that he loved me and knew I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. A couple days after we got married I found out he was texting and talking to a girl from his work. She even came to our wedding! He drove truck so his excuse was that it was only for business but the calls were long and they texted all day and night. He never met up with her since she was an office lady and he drove truck but it hurt that instead of talking/texting me, he was texting her. He changed ever since we got married. I was so close to getting the marraige enulled but was so embarrassed that we barely got married and couldn’t put my grandma through more issues. (She loved him) I made him quit his job and we worked things out but yesterday I found out he has been texting a girl for the past 3weeks after a family party. It is his aunts friend. I confronted him and he denied it, then I showed him the evidence and he said she’s nothing and it’s nothing and that I’m overreacting. I’m at a lost! I don’t think I can go through this again. I told him I want a divorce but I don’t see my future without him. I’m lost.

    Reply
  42. Found out he cheated on me with prostitutes about 10 years ago. Expressed real remorse… Long story short we worked thru it. Now I’m coming across evidence he has “new friends.” Not prostitutes as far as I know, but friends…. He has this person booked on a flight with him this weekend that’s supposed to be a business trip. But she’s in same room. On his phone as Sean but found itinerary for trip and it’s Shonda. Should I give him yet another chance or did he just ruin our lives for good? I don’t see how I can recover… Again. Not sure I ever really recovered the first time.

    Reply
    • Sherry,

      I’m sorry to say this but it seems like you he is planning to cheat on you with this Sean / Shonda.

      This is not an alcohol-induced one night stand but a well planned cheating.

      I think you know this but obviously have a hard time dealing with it, since it’s so painful for you.

      I would confront him immediately with proof of what you’ve found and see how he reacts. This is the right way to confront him:

      https://how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/

      I wouldn’t think about giving another chance before this immediate “risk” is resolved.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, I really am.

      Reply
  43. On the topic of “10 Questions to Ask a Cheating Husband” my husband and I have been on the road to recovery since his affair ended 15 months ago. We’ve have been together for 16 years. Since the decision for both him and I to reconcile our marriage we have been through a roller coaster of emotions and vicious repetitive cycle of anger and fear on my behalf. Prior to reading this article I have asked him some of the questions on my own but don’t feel like they have been fully answered with honesty and truth. I would feel now that after everything we’ve gone through as far as the efforts on both parts to achieve a stronger relationship and marriage, I still find myself asking “why” it had to happen. I also feel now that I’m ready and prepared to hear the truth and most importantly deserve the truth. Would it be counter productive for me to ask him each of those questions now?

    Reply
    • Churee,

      No. I don’t think it would be counter productive because the reality is that these questions and their answers still bother you and if you keep it inside it will blow up in both your faces one day.

      Try to approach him about this as calm and collected as you can, talk gently and without attacking or anger. The more you succeed in that, the more truth you will hear.
      Good luck!

      Reply

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