How to Confront a Cheating Spouse (with Confidence)

how to confront a cheater

How do you confront a cheater? how do you get the truth out of a suspected cheating husband?

Whatever you do, do NOT confront a cheating partner – without a good plan.

If you don’t follow some critical rules, most chances he will either angrily run out of the house (allowing him to get his story straight), or stay and turn the focus to you (by attacking you for snooping on him or blaming you for your problems).

How to Confront a Cheating Husband

This guide will show how to confront a cheating spouse and get the truth out of him – by the end of the day.

Plus, you’ll find how cheaters react when confronted about infidelity.

how to confront your spouse about cheating

1. Prepare for His Reaction

Before you learn how to confront a cheater, prepare yourself for the obvious: The majority of cheating spouses will deny-deny-deny cheating until they are blue in the face.

Some of them will deny an affair even if you present them with hard evidence. Songs were written about this, that’s how much it’s true.


Because even if you thought he was your best friend, the one person that would never lie to you this way, the fact is that you are “catching” him unprepared.

He doesn’t have his story straight yet, he hasn’t decided whether he wants to:

  • Admit cheating,
  • How to tell you about it
  • How much to reveal and in case of a long-term affair – whether to end it at all.
  • Until he makes a decision, he will deny everything, while making up the most ridiculous lies just to get away with it.

2. Get Proof

You can confront someone who is cheating only when you have solid evidence.

If you don’t have “physical” evidence, such as nude pictures, emails describing his passion for her, a receipt for jewelry or a motel – do NOT confront him.

If you don’t have proof you will only give him a heads-up and actually help him be more careful from now on. He gets a chance to be much more careful from now on, which means you may never find proof.

Second, if you don’t have proof –  you might be wrong. He could be faithful to you, and if you wrongly accuse him you could destroy your relationship.

3. Stay Calm

I know it is the HARDEST thing to do in this situation but breathe in deep, and count to ten.

You are upset, hurt beyond belief, and your whole life is crumbling under your feet – but you have to confront him when you are calm and collected.

Focus on the facts and don’t let your emotions control you.

If you attack him and scream at him he will probably use it to storm out of the house saying he can’t talk to you and use this time to get his story straight.

Be prepared with your proof and don’t let him turn the focus to your snooping. You can say, “Yes, I admit it was wrong to snoop on you, but the FACT is that I had a good reason to do that – here’s the evidence.”

👉 Read: should you confront the other woman? (pros and cons)

4. Stay Firm

He may try to blame the whole thing on you. He won’t be the first one to do it.

It’s much easier than providing an explanation for his behavior. He will instinctively call you crazy, stupid, insecure, childish, and a psycho. Don’t let him do that. Don’t argue.

You can say – “o.k., I am stupid and childish. Who is she and how long have you been cheating on me?”

Demand an explanation. He may also try to get you to admit that he had a good reason for cheating.

He may ask you “Why would I look for sex outside my relationship?” and get you to think of an excuse for him (clever, right?) or to make you believe that he has no reason to cheat.

Make him answer his own questions by saying nothing. Just look into his eyes as long as it takes and wait for him to answer it by himself.

👉 Got him to admit cheating? here are the 10 most important questions to ask a cheating spouse.

5. The Jedi Mind Trick

If he insists on denying it, and your proof has “holes” in it, try to take some of the blame on yourself. You don’t have to mean it; it’s just a tactic to get him to confess.

Bring up the possibility that you weren’t giving him what he needs – sexually, emotionally, or otherwise.

If he is close to confessing, it will make it much easier for him to tell you the truth. He will that some of the blame was lifted from him.

Sneaky, but it works.

👉 Should you give him another chance?

How I Confronted My Husband (Personal Story)

It’s probably one of the weirdest stories you’ve heard, and it actually didn’t require any of the tips I gave you here. When our second son was about 2 years old, I had a feeling that something isn’t right. I had no physical evidence or anything I could put my finger on, just this weird feeling.

One day I woke up in the morning, opened my eyes, and the thought “he cheated” was the first thing that came to my mind. It was as if I had a dream about it, but I didn’t remember any dreams. I just knew, one hundred percent, that this thought was true.

That same day, when he came back from work, I told him about this. I was completely confident about it, and just waited, with my heart pounding, for him to admit that it was true.

And he did. He looked down for a few seconds and told me I am right.

What happened later is not important to get my point over to you (check out my infidelity posts ), but I think this proves that if you absolutely trust your gut feeling when you confront him, the truth will come out. And the truth is the first and crucial step for recovery – whether you stay together or not.

After a lot of misery and fighting, the thing that helped us most was the Marriage Fitness program. If I could do anything differently, I would start with that and save us a lot of pain.

How to Deal with a Cheating Husband

An affair doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the end of your relationship. You may find it hard to see right now, but an affair is just a symptom of a troubled relationship.

You can go with the “Once a cheater always a cheater BS, or you can stop, think about it a little, and consider giving your relationship one more chance.

But I have to warn you: attempting to do it alone is taking the road to nowhere.

my own experience has shown me that you need professional help.

If not through counseling, then at least take advantage of this free marriage help to learn the exact steps you need to take to heal yourself, and your relationship, and recover from his affair.

Remember – even if he cheated, it doesn’t mean he has no love for you anymore.

Something went terribly wrong along the way, but if you both commit to the healing process, you have a chance of winning a better relationship than ever.

Surviving an affair requires honesty and transparency that can work wonders in your relationship.

It’s hard for me to admit it, but my husband’s affair and the healing journey we went through together have brought us a renewed and honest relationship, complete transparency, and ultimately more love.

If you have some budget for it, I recommend consulting with an online professional therapist – this is the service I recommend.

How will your journey end?

Rooting for ya,


30 thoughts on “How to Confront a Cheating Spouse (with Confidence)”

  1. I think it’s the right instincts , trying to be sure of your imagination or infatuations , you could be right or wrong but why don’t you try to find out with facts . You should be cautious of the fact that facts and proofs are liable to achieving great decision making . You can do yourself a favor by reaching out to Crediblehacks via gmail for fast findings of your answers , it’s been a privilege working with the genius

  2. Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I’ve been counting his condoms and I recently found one missing when I came back into town but he is denying that he had intimacy with another person.. and he is saying that nothing happened but I don’t know what to believe.. I don’t know what to do.. anyone have suggestions?

  3. My boyfriend and i living together for 7 years and now i just found out that he is having an affair with a woman. I checked his messenger and found out that they sleep together every night. He is working far from our house and stayed there for 8 months till now. His alibi of not coming home because of the pandemic. I was shattered at the time i discovered that he is cheating but i am trying to calm myself not letting him discover that i know and I am reading their everyday conversation on messenger. I am afraid that he might leave me and our 1 year old son if i will confront him. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t have a job and I’m just depending on him. Is it better to confront him? Im in pain reading their chat on messenger every day. Stressful everyday

  4. Hi! My husband over 30 years is up to something! i can’t quite put my finger on it because I don’t think I have enough proof. He is addicted to pornography which makes him intimate with himself daily!! I hate this and it ha been a problem for over 14 years. He denies it, even when I catch him in the act. Well in the past year he has developed ED. Got a prescription and he told me that the pills don’t work. Well one morning my gut told me to check his dresser drawer and I found 3 bottles that had never been opened. Ok. Got that. Then a week later a bottle went missing. So I found it opened and I counted the pills and there were some missing. I have a strong feeling that he’s using them for self-satisfaction but how can I tell? When we have sex, it lasts 5 minutes or less. I asked him was he taking his pills and he said “no.” I didn’t say much after that but because I feel I don’t have enough evidence to confront him. I work from home and he goes to work. if there is any solid evidence, it’s at work. How can I confront him without him knowing that I’ve been counting the pills?

  5. What do I do about an ’emotional cheater’? We had a huge fight when I confronted him a couple weeks ago, after I’d checked his phone and found text messages. He’s not having sex with her, but he confides in her about our relationship and she advised him ‘you need separate residences’. Now, she’s taught him how to delete his text messages and his Facebook messages too. He’ll try to hide by going to the garage to take her phone/video calls. He’s distant to me…more and more…he says he loves me and I don’t think he wants a divorce, but I feel like she’s trying to pull him away from me.

    Ten years ago, we went through this same thing with another woman…she was living down the street with a male friend. He thought they were just friends (like he thinks this current woman is). That woman finally called me up and said “You were right, we’ve been having sex anytime and everywhere we could”…it was a lie, she was trying to get me to start a fight with him and ruin a trip we had planned…he was in the house at the time and stopped contact with her after that night. I saw a psychologist for awhile during this and was told this other woman was a sociopath…it feels the same as what I’m dealing with now, but he doesn’t seem to realize it.

    I know this current woman is still calling/texting him everyday…but it’s all deleted. What now?

  6. I’m met this guy 2years ago through my his mum…he was ready and want to get married to me, but till now no commitment, he barely touches me though it is distant relationship… When I come over he distant himself and he still claims he loves me…deep down in me I know he is cheating because his behavior changed …I don’t want to be the one to end the relationship… I want him to admit to his cheating . I’m confused …I don’t know what to do??

    • If you want him to admit he is cheating you’ll have to find proof for it – or else he’ll deny it until he is blue in the face. The question is why don’t you want to end the relationship? time goes by and you suffer from this every day. Don’t you feel you are wasting your life sitting and waiting for him to come clean? what will you gain from it?

    • Sorry bit id end the relationship ! It’s a long distance one ? So he shouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you when you see eaxhorher! Sounds like he’s got you in one place and someone else in another!! Get out and live ! Please don’t sit about waiting for him you are unhappy better to be unhappy alone than unhappy and with someone trust me x good luck

  7. My husband has been cheating with multiple ladies for years though I only found out last year while going through his personal messages on Facebook. He at first denied then then tried to accuse me of cheating. I have never cheated on him. Married him as a virgin and u have never known any other man sexually till date. We’ve been married 14 years. He promised to stop. But recently I secretly checked his messages on Facebook again and I am completely shattered. Not only is he still at it but he makes plans with them, cooking up lies together in what to tell me when he has to be with them. Should u confront him again? He passwords all his devices so I checked without his knowledge. I am shattered.

    • Confronting him or not at this point I think is less relevant. What is more important here is that he is a serial cheater, and he will probably keep cheating in the future even if he promises not to. Now you have to decide what you do given this situation. Do you stay and accept this or you leave. What do you think?

  8. I found text messages from a woman my husband has been having an affair with for years. She was ending the relationship because she was tired of playing second fiddle. This is a woman that I have known for years and has been to my home and sat in my hot tub with me. All the while having sex with my husband. I am sick to death and need to confront him. She has left the area and there no longer seems to be a relationship between the two. But I cannot live with the fact that he was cheating on me right under my nose. We have been together 16 years.
    Do you think I should even consider saving our marriage? I know he will beg me not to leave but how could I ever trust him.

  9. I found out my husband is having an affair at work. It has been going on for over a year..he denys it..says they are just friends and refuses to stop texting her..they hook up at work when they can..he comes home with scratches and has an excuse for everything. We have children and i am disabled and dependent on him…he says he doesnt want a divorce. I still love my husband..cant just turn it off..will it end? I still have hope…I dont want to end our marriage. What do you do when your husband refuses to stop? Can our marriage outlast the affair?

    • I think that anything is possible, yes. You can survive this. However, the problems you have as a couple, which led to this happening, must be solved some way, otherwise he won’t stop.

  10. Been marriage for 9yrs recently i noticed she has been angry at me for little stuff she seems to have little patience with me…Been rude at times,,,So i started to snoop found out shes been chatting on social media .,She never had a problem with me before goin though her phone..Shes been chatting with her EX. I wanted to sceme i confronted her,she mention they havent spoken in yrs but thats a lie..He leaves her messages like he wants to see her EVEN ASK HER …but i havent found no responses from her..She did responded once and told him shes been busy to stop trippen…he replied TBFU right now
    what is that Do i have enough evidence to walk away or confront her of cheating

      • For me if shes allowing him to make sexual comments to her and thats a problem,, if shes not tellin him,, u no im Married to me thats a problem…im I over reacting here.

        they use to date before we got Married… im not comfortable with her chatting on social media with her male friends thats shes been in a sexual relationship with

        my gut feeling is something is not right here just do not no What at the moment,,im losing
        trust in her am i over reacting,

        • You are not over reacting. I would try to talk to her when I’m calm and not angry. Just sharing how this makes you feel and how she would feel if you did the same. As long as you manage to stay calm and not throw accusations, you will get an honest answer from her. That will be a step forward in solving your relationship problem.

  11. My husband of over 30 years was having a relationship with another married co-worker. It did not get to a physical affair because he told me about it. He said he was lonely and didn’t think I loved him anymore. I tracked a lot but was always in contact either him and when I was home it was great. He had Ed for years do our sex life was almost nil. He was very overweight and last spring started losing weight. Little did I know so was she. He sent her many emails some that he cared and loved her deeply. He went to counseling and was told it would never work with them and that deep Down he loved me. The counselor told him that they could not work by each other if he stayed with me He ended up staying with me said he was sorry . I quit my job and have been home and I thought all was good. He still worked by her but kept it irises signal. He is going through an emotional crisis now and turns 62 soon. It is bothering him. So he tried to call her recently to see how she was doing and I walked in when she called back. He hung up and lied to me. I chrcked his hone and confirmed he called and that’s shen he said he just wanted to see how she was doing. I told him obviously they can’t work together and it’s time for him to retire. He’s goung to let me know in a couple of days. This us a job that he couldn’t go back to once he resigns. He tells me loves me all the time and our sex life is back in a good place

    I need your advice because I’ve lost who I am and am very insecure. I was a very strong and secure woman. I might add he did this to me with a coworker 31 years ago. Same thing and I quit that job and stayed home. Seems like I’m the one giving up everything for him.

    Do I try to continue this marriage?

  12. My husband of 11 years is a high school instructor. I recently confronted him about an outrageous amount of texts and phone calls between him and one of his student’s mother. Of course he twisted it around to be my fault for checking the cell phone bill. I still check it and the calls and texts have completely dropped from her number but now they’ve started with her son’s number. Texts at night and when he’s not at home. Phone calls only when he’s not at home. Not nearly as bad as before but still there. I am eaten up on whether to confront him again.

    • Kay,

      I would suggest you wait until you have solid evidence that there’s something going on. The number of the texts is not proof enough, it’s the content of the texts that matter.

      • I know, Lisa. In my head I know I need more proof. In my heart I want to just scream! I need to seriously pray for patience. There is no way I will ever see content of texts. He immediately deletes them when they come in.

        • Iam going through the same thing I can not focused at anything any more not even sex if any body can help me please

  13. HI Lisa

    i busted my fiance (the first time i busted we where dating only) he goes online sex chat site (called affairs site BTW) and chats to much older women, (we in our 20″s) as i did not back up my evidence he denied and i back off – yes lack of confidence and he does have anger issues that sometimes scare me, but he promised he doesnt go on the site and as a fool i believed him, i eventually mastered the art of hacking (yes terrible from me but i guess that what i had to do hence failing to confronting it properly) however i checked and he was straigh and narrow for 3-4 months all was going well, we where happy and everything was dandy, he asked me to marry him and i was over the moon but 4 months later, i did a random spot checked and his doing it again…. he tells me he loves me, and never goes out without me by his side and cuddle and we have a great sex life but yet he still chats to these women…how to handle/confront this is this just a fetish perhaps as i went through the message he sent the women it does not seem like he has ever met up with anyone only chats to them..

  14. Belinda,

    Actuallly, I would encourage you NOT to confront him about the other girls, and yes, you DO have something to lose – your marriage.

    Since he has left your home you won’t be confronting him about cheating – He is not cheating if you are separated.

    The other girls are not so important at this point.

    What’s important is being smart about it and use the separation to save your marriage.

    Here’s my article about how to do exactly that:

    Separation can be, sometimes, the best thing that can happen to a troubled marriage. It’s a golden opportunity to make a real change and start over with a better relationship – Sometimes better than it ever was.

    • Thank you for your advice… actually was the clarity I needed. As much as it sux right now thinking he wants to be with other women I need to work on saving us and our marriage and doing any confronting will not make anything happen!
      If I did a lot of the hurting….I didnt cheat….but hurt him…..can we get back from that. He is so scared I will hurt him again that he is going to be too afraid to let me in.

  15. My husband and I have been having a lot of trouble in our marriage for the past 6 months. He has moved out for a little while to sort his head out and he suffers from depression.
    Before he moved out I found out due to his behavior he had been talking to another girl.
    It has since stopped but I have found out he is chatting to other girls and telling friends he will not be coming back to me.
    Should I comfort him as the things he tells me are very different to what he is….I have a feeling I have nothing to lose.

  16. Reading all of this makes me anxious and gets me really worked up. The idea of confronting my boyfriend makes me play out the out come of it in my head a hundred different ways. I’ve been with him for 3 years and for the last year or so I’ve felt like there was something wrong. I tried to ignore it and think that I was just crazy. Turns out I wasn’t. I went through his phone when he was sleeping and saw text messages. He has been seeing someone else for 4 years. As I read their messages I felt the floor move from underneath me. I wanted to barge into the bedroom and beat him until I was tired, but I did not. I went back into the room and laid in bed awake and more mad than I have ever been in my life. I wanted to yell at him and ask “why?”. Why lie to me? Why say I love you? Why makes plans for the future with me? The worst was when at some point during the night he turned over and held me then said “I love you babe”. I laid there and cried. This just happened last week and don’t know how to confront him. I know for a fact he will turn it all around and call me psycho for going through his phone, crazy for spying on him. The truth is I saw it with my own eyes. He can’t deny any of it but I know he will.

    • I am so sorry you are going through this awful crisis. 4 years? That’s unimaginable. I don’t know how you have the strength to keep it to yourself this long, but I think you have to confront him and sadly, in your case, do yourself and your future a big favor and leave him. Usually I don’t believe in the “Once a cheater always a cheater” BS, but a 4 year affair is something that is very hard to overcome and it makes him a pathological lier. He is living a double life. You deserve better. Trust me on this. I hope you find the courage to do the right thing for yourself.

      • You don’t need to hear anything he has to say sweetheart. He lied to you and he cheated. You witnessed it with your own eyes. Your luckier then most women, a lot of women don’t have that kind of proof. But you do. So do yourself a favour and leave him. You don’t even have to talk to him about it. Just tell him you saw the text messages, he cheated and that’s that. What are you expecting him to say? What’s done is done. Cut this loser off babe.


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