Why Men Have Affairs (Most Ancient Question Answered)

why men have affairs

When I found out my husband had a 6 month affair with his coworker, I was so angry I could chew through steel.

How could he do this to me? To us? To our family? And most importantly – WHY? Why did my husband have an affair? Why do men have affairs?

I had to know. Is it my fault? Could I have prevented this? Does it mean he doesn’t love me at all? How can he love me and still do this to me?

My shock and anger turned into sadness, despair and my self-esteem evaporated.

I felt like my whole life was one big lie.

In a pathetic attempt to regain control, I became obsessed with finding out the reason for men to have affairs. This is what I found and I want to share with you.

Why Do Men Have Affairs?

If you want to understand why your husband was unfaithful, you have to be strong. You have to be prepared that the answer – the real answer – may somewhat surprise you.

And it takes guts and strength to take an honest look at your relationship, without filters (and without accusations).

These are the possible reasons your husband cheated. Notice that they have one thing in common:

Cheaters cheat because they have the FALSE notion that going outside the relationships will solve their problems or fulfill their needs.

1. Your relationship used to make him feel special. It doesn’t anymore (NOT your fault)

2. He used to be sexually satisfied in your relationship. Now he feels you don’t want him to touch you and that sex is a chore for you (Again, not your fault).

3. He has never learned to honor boundaries. He knows they are there, but he has little hesitation stepping over them. If this is the case with your husband, you probably noticed this a long time ago, even before you were married.

4. He is a thrill seeker, who can’t pass up on the opportunity to get a thrill. An affair is a big temptation and he has probably cheated more than once.

[yellowbox](See this post if you want to know if your husband is the serial cheater type)[/yellowbox]

5. He has low self-esteem and feels unappreciated at home, so he looks for someone out of the marriage to “care for him”. This feeds his ego.

6. He feels neglected and unloved. His needs, whether they are sexual, romantic or just his “need” to hang out with his friends twice a week. It could be any kind of “need”.

7. He “loves you but not in love with you“. This is not a real reason of course, it’s a justification he gives himself to cheat with a clear conscience.

This sentence is actually a code for something else. It’s a sign of a real and severe relationship breakdown and the result of a “chronic” troubled marriage.

Did you know?

According to the Associated Press and the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, people are most likely to have affairs with co-workers. As many as 36% of men and women say that they’ve had an affair with someone they work with. (source)

But it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore. He may be unaware of his feelings right now.

How many of these “reasons” apply to your husband? Only one? Maybe two or three?

Your wounded ego and broken heart scream with rage right now. HIS needs? HIS emotions? HIS self-esteem?

What about MY needs? My emotions? I do everything for him and for this family and I never cheated! And this is how I get rewarded? Stabbed in the back with his lying and cheating?

You are completely justified to feel like this.

But it’s time to put this question, which may be haunting you for months – behind you for good.

Why All of This Doesn’t Even Matter

It doesn’t matter because it’s not the real reason anyway. It’s just a justification.

A marriage is a promise of fidelity, no matter what. Whatever his “reason” was, it’s NOT your fault.

You couldn’t have prevented it because your husband doesn’t understand that relationship problems should be solved INSIDE the relationship and not OUTSIDE of it.

The unmistakable and harsh truth is that no matter how “perfect” you thought your relationship was – it WASN’T.

A slow process has begun, who knows how long ago, that led to a breakdown in communication.

This breakdown was ignored, or unnoticed and untreated. With time, it poisoned your marriage and led to this crisis.

This does NOT necessarily mean that your marriage is over. That you will never trust him again, that he will never change. Kick these negative thoughts to the curb.

If he shows real regret and seeks your forgiveness, this affair could turn out to be the perfect storm in your marriage.

📢 If you take the right steps to heal yourself (first) and your marriage (next), you may wake up one morning to a rebuilt and renewed marriage, with complete transparency, intimacy and love – more than ever before.

I am living proof that it’s possible.

But how do you get there? And what exactly should you do right now?

Well, this is where I started my healing process (when I just couldn’t afford counseling). It turned out to be ALL that I needed to save my marriage. What about you? Where will you start? Will you get help? on time? It’sup too you.

Rooting for ya,


What do you think? Why did your spouse cheat?

I’m sharing everything on my journey to affair recovery and a loving, stable marriage. Will you join me?

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29 thoughts on “Why Men Have Affairs (Most Ancient Question Answered)”

  1. I’d been married for almost 10 years, we have two kids (5&7). I found out he s cheating on my with his coworker for the last month. I confronted him and he says he loves her and left the house. Is there any hope?
    He s not planning on leaving her at all he’s looking for homes with her (she s married too). She come to my home and play with my kids. I told him she was beautiful and nice, but not to be with her. What do I do?

  2. I just caught my husband of 27 years at a hotel with another woman. I’m devastated. When I confronted the other woman I found out it had been going on and of for four years, I was floored. I should have seen the signs how could I have been so blind. We had our problems but I thought we were trying and making progress. Four years ago I suspected cheating so we went to counseling and now I find out it didn’t help. What am I to do. I loved my life I was pretty happy. Does this make him a serial cheeater? Can we salvage this? I chose not to speak with him when I cought him and it’s been two weeks and still haven’t spoken to him. Of course the only thing I did say to him was to get his things and leave which he did. I’m going to finally talk to him this weekend any advise?

    • Laura,

      I feel what you’re going through.
      I think that when you speak with him, try to have an honest talk and find out how he feels about her. I know it’s hard, but if you avoid anger when you talk to him, and give him the feeling that he can tell the truth, you’ll hear the truth.
      And the truth is what you need to decide how you’re going to handle this.
      Your happiness in life doesn’t have to depend on anyone else but you. Even if you break up, it doesn’t mean that your life won’t be happy anymore. It could be even happier, if you just give it a chance and not hold on to the past.
      I hope this helps and remember: Always listen to your inner voice. It knows the best ways for you.

  3. Hello Lisa,

    I hope you can share your wisdom with me. I have been married almost 20 years now to my husband. We have 3 children – 15, 13 and 10. My husband grew up in a Christian family (he is the youngest of 4 children). I chose him because of his Christian upbringing, he was funny, nice and appeared to have the same moral values I do. Within months of getting married, I found a membership card for an adults only video store and a porn magazine. I expressed shock and surprise in this, it made me wonder if he did not find me attractive or desirable (I took it personally then – I know not to now). A few months later I opened his visa statement and found charges for a 1-900 number. After this he went to a support group for those who are addicted to pornography. We also joined a young adult bible study group… Life carries on. When I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child, I find some text message and e-mail exchanges between him and another woman which are inappropriate. This was between him and a woman that worked out at the gym So, when I found these exchanges, I confronted him. He admitted to being in an appropriate relationship and had only kissed her – which happened the day before. He still maintains to this day that they did not sleep together. I think it’s because I had caught on before it had reached this stage. We went to counselling. The following year was our 10 year anniversary, and he planned to renew our vows – and put together a nice ceremony with friends and family to celebrate. I learned to forgive (but not forget) and trust again. Four years later we moved to a new city. One day I am checking my Facebook messages and get a message from a man basically saying that my husband had an inappropriate act with his fiance.. I confronted him again – feeling completely distraught that I find myself in this situation again.
    So tell me – is this relationship still worth investing in??

    • Rose,

      I’m sorry I had to cut your story a bit short…
      I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been going through for years.
      Your husband is a serial cheater because he (for some reason that should be treated) can not settle for one woman in his life.
      I believe that he loves you, and I believe that he regrets everything, and you can see that over the years he has tried, but obviously he can’t.
      Every person does the best he can, and this is the best he can.
      At this point I think you should make your own decision, considering you know this undeniable truth about him.
      He will probably cheat again. He can’t be a monogamist. But this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or is attracted to you. Now you have to decide if you can live with him, the way he is, or not.
      I’m simplifying a hard thing, I know. But this is the bottom line and the real situation to deal with.
      Only you can answer this question I’m afraid.
      Take your time and feel your way to this decision.
      I hope this helps and all the best to you.

  4. Hi,
    I too have a cheating husband, and have been suspicious many times, with no ‘hard facts’. We met in 2001, moved in together 2003, married 2010.
    When the Ashley Madison website was hacked, I had never heard of it, and asked my husband if he knew what it was… “no.” Yep, never heard of it.
    A month later, the AM hack list was made public, and guess who was one of many? My husband. The one who had never even heard of AM.
    He is from overseas, and we now live in my US small hometown. And yes, he was meeting women, from my hometown. And, yes, these meet ups were sexual. He only admits to one sexual indiscretion, but I’m sure that’s not true. He deleted his account in 2014. And, was back on AM in 2015.
    At the time, 2013… Many things were happening in our lives; sick/terminal parent, sick child, husband traveling a lot for work, etc. I refused to travel with him (he asked me to join him EVERYTIME), I dug my heels in, and refused. I wanted to be ‘home’ more than I wanted to be with my husband.
    Communication broke down, we became very disconnected, and add the sick parent (his), and the sick child (mine)… We were in a perfect storm. I have never cheated on my husband, nor will I.
    Are there ever any justifications for a spouse to go outside of the marriage to get their needs met? NO.
    Marriages have difficulties, and when they pile up, they will fall over, but, “better or for worse” really meant something to me, and obviously not to him.
    He tried to solve his problems with OW, I just hung in there praying it would all get better.
    Has it gotten better, since he got caught, and was shamed by having his name on a public cheating list? Yes. We have been in counseling since DDay, and he seems genuinely sorry, remorseful, and repentant. The cheater finally got caught, and in a very humiliating way.
    It has been seven months since that list got into my hands… There have been days that I didn’t think that I would survive this, I have cried more than one river, thrown his clothes out twice, ask him to ‘get out’ many times. But, he has refused to leave, he has cried, he goes to counseling with me, and on his own. I truly believe that this is one cheater that has been humbled. He told our counselor that he didn’t think I loved him any longer, and had been shocked at the pain he has caused me (he didn’t think I cared because of our disconnect). Men need attention, they need emotional support, they need their wives to think they are great, and to tell them they are. They need love, they need respect.
    I will never excuse his choices, I will however forgive him, and, I will give him a second chance.
    Yes, the marriage was broken for both of us, and the weaker went looking for fulfillment elsewhere. But, that doesn’t make him a monster, and me a saint.
    I still have days that it hits me hard, days I have to bite my tongue a hundred times, days I still bring it up. But, I want to stay in the marriage, I love my husband. I’m going to give the “better or for worse” one more chance, and see what happens.
    I may end up with the best relationship I’ve ever had, or, the cheater is just a cheater and will repeat his behavior when the going gets tough.
    I’m not stupid, I know it can go either way.
    Just remember, no matter what is going on between you at the time the cheating happened, there were many other options the cheater could have decided on. And, their choices ARE NOT your fault.
    Cheaters think it’s harmless, they are entitled, they won’t go all the way, and they will never get caught.
    It’s very harmful (even when you don’t know), they are not entitled in any way to go outside of a marriage commitment to have their needs met, when they give into innocent’ temptation – they will go all the way, and yes, they will get caught. Maybe not when it’s happening (even when in your gut you know)… But, God said… “What is done in darkness, will be revealed in the light.”
    I had prayed, and prayed that God would please not let me live a lie. An Ashley Madison list was placed in my hand (by a friend)… My husband has had a spot light on him for months now, I pray he can truly change. And, I trust God to not keep me living a life that’s a lie, if my husband doesn’t change.
    I now am a much better companion/wife. I’m aware that I let my husband down. I vow to be the best wife I have ever been, and if I’m cheated on again, I will exit the marriage with no regrets.
    Hugs, and love to all of the women going through this. I feel your pain, disappointment, confusion, and profound sadness.

  5. I’m still struggling 2 years a go I found out my husband while over seas on a job was . Living with his . Lady supporting her and paying air fair for her child to join them in Kuwait from the Philippines. We adopted 4 special needs children and I’m now 66. I also discovered an ongoing affair with someone else. I worked very hard to come to terms and decided he should stay at least for the children but not sure that was wise. I love him but I’m no longer in love with him. Had I of known anything 35 years ago when he first stepped out of my marriage I would of left him I do believe he will always be a cheater. He has spoke to 2 of his affairs. If I were younger I would of sent him away. I love him as a friend but can never ever trust him I can not let my guard down. I’m to a point of no emotion if he is to step out again but no matter if ever I find out he is having another affair we will be done. The humiliation of going to my Dr to be tested for STD’s not worth it.

  6. Thanks for the read.
    It’s nice to hear about ‘the perfect storm’
    We have been fortunate that it was just that… Were a year n a half on from ‘the storm’ and it’s been a hard road but it was going to be hard what ever road we/mostly I chose to do….

    We have a child, married with a mortgage .. All factors that had to be considered when I made my choice.. I wanted to be able to say to my son should the worse happen that we did everything we could..

    I have good days and bad days it’s all part of the journey. Days I’m so thankful we saved ourselves. Days I feel needy and crave over attention.. Days where I am so haunted by the memories and what it’s it cuts and feels as it did in the initial ‘eye of the storm’

    I chose to not find out ‘who’ the other party was and know little about her…
    If I did I think it would make it worse.. But in bad days I imagine finding her and I won’t go into detail!!!!!
    I panic she will approach me (she knows who I am and what I look like) and a confrontation will occur and how I will handle this!!!

    I am now pregnant with our second child which the timing has Tbf been perfect and a blessing we’ve been extremely lucky.

    Sadly with this comes the hormones and even though were at the better side of ‘the storm’ I find the hauntings and what ifs difficult… Still.. It will I’m sure get easier with time. We are as I said just over a year over it..

    I made my choice and don’t get me wrong I’m happy I chose this path. I love my husband and my son hasn’t had to adapt to what could have been. Seeing them together is amazing and watching them play and laugh and learn makes me very happy..

    I believe you in your words that it doesn’t have to be the end. There are a lot of factors to consider though and a mass of strength from all.. The fact the guilty party shows utter remorse is the biggest factor and best ground to build on.. I read some where before that if a person is sorry and you see in there eyes they have hurt themselves more than you you know they really are sorry..

    My husband had this look and I never wish to witness such again.. It was heart breaking…

    The circumstances that led to the affair were unusual to say the least.. He was heading for a break down and the act of havin the extramarital relations tipped him over the edge… I was the only one who saw this!!!! Being the one who was wronged I was the only one to actually listen to him and help him through the other side!!!

    The mistress had claimed she loved him!!! If this was so how did she not see his real pain and when he chose me she launched on a attack to him and threatened to make sure I knew what a nasty peice of work he was!!! (Nice choice of lady husband.. Not)

    She never did…

    His family didn’t help him, his brother said the right things and then used this vunrability to knock him down again…

    Friends tried to understand but in all fairness didn’t have a clue how to handle what had happened that most stayed a good distance away…. Until the ‘storm passing’ then now have come out of their storm shelters……
    I have lernt there is only us that can be there and understand each other.. Were rich in so many other factors and lucky we had the opportunity to see the sunshine again..

    We did do counceling .. It’s expensive but the way we saw it we needed to make that investment into our relationship.. I hope we keep doing this every now and then just as a mot I guess…

    We spend thousands on weddings.. Why not invest in the rest of he marriage..
    We have our cars and home appliances serviced regularly our animals with anual booster jabs n check ups. If we didn’t then faults and illness occur and leave it long enough…. It breaks for good/dies…..

    It’s not easy and I have read many articles on this and I think some think that once they forgive a affair that’s it it’s all gonna be back to lovely lovely..
    And in some ways it is… We had a whole honey moon period again.. We had things we said we’d do like date nights once a wk or every other.. It does slide.. Life changes n things get in the way.. But we talk….

    We recognize stuff and address it..
    Some questions I ask he finds hard and just can’t answer. These are few n far between now.. We agreed on a date to leave it behind.. This ment that past a certain date all questions were out on table and after the date it needed to be curbed for moving on purposes… Easier said than done as it can’t be helped sometimes.. But like I say few and far between…

    I don’t really know my purpose for telling you our story but if you read it and it helps I’m happy.. If it makes sence to you I’m glad you know your not alone..

    Affairs are the greyest area out there….. To many reasons to justify…. Everyone’s circumstances are different and everyone as a individual is different..

    My own dad had a affair that was apparent just before my husbands one was revealed.. My parents circumstances massively different and as people it was dealt with very differently.. They are seperated and on the divorce road!!!
    I have friends that have been the mistress and the husbands left their wives for them…. I have friends that still are the mistress… All hard situations to hear from my side…. But I love them and again circumstances and stories are all applicable in the grey area!!!!!

    I never imagined to ever ever forgive such a act and in the past if a friend or family member came to me with such a infedelity story my advice would be get out… Get out now…. Their scum and unworthy and you deserve far more………
    Not the same when your actually in it…

    If there hadn’t been my son the mortgage and the marriage maybe I would have stuck to my original opinions but that’s the grey area!!!!!!!!

  7. I have only been married for 3 months and I am a molitary spouse so I only get to see my husband every other weekend. 3 weeks after we got married I found out he was exchanging messages and nude pictures on fb, he begged me to forgive him and I was trying really hard to do so. this past weekend I found out that he did again with other female and basically doing the same thing. I honestly dont know 100% if they had sex or not, but I fell like to me it does not matter. I also found out he joined a dating website… Now that he got caught I told him I want a divorce. He says that he doesnt want a divorce and says he doesnt know why he did what he did… He says he loves me and that I am the love his life and he will so anything to make it work!!! What so I do? Should I give him another chance or should I just walk away and get a divorce?? Please help

    • Danielly,

      I’ve heard about things like this before. I think your husband has an addiction to the thrill of chasing new women all the time. I do believe him that he doesn’t know why he does it and that he doesn’t know how to stop it either.

      I would give him another chance only if he agrees to go to therapy about this issue. If he really wants to stop it and doesn’t want to divorce he will agree to do it.

      He needs professional help.

      I’m sorry you’re going though this, heart breaking, I know.

  8. Iv been married 21 year found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he was training in our own business she was out to get him and I new it I kept warning him and he said it was nothing. I finally found videos she was sending of her self and her texted after I figured out his password. I told him I was done and he could have her he begged me not to leave him and I said I had to think about it . I had to set some rules he’s following so far and its been 5 months . I’m not over it but I’m trying to work on it. I’m sure he had some one night stands when we were first together but after 20 years and with a 300 pound girl I was shocked especially because he always complained I was heavy. I’m about 50 pounds over weight not 200 pounds overweight. I don’t get it except she sucked herself up his ass and he Finally thought it would be a good side thing till he got caught I still hate him and her for it and I have days to where I wonder why am I here but I’m trying and he had to open all his account s he’s been pretty good about it he’s weird sometimes cause he thinks I’ll get mad and we talk about it but I told him if he’s dishonest or does it again I’m out he seems very humbled and wiling to work so it’s me who’s struggling but he says he wants to be with me till the end of our lives so I’m trying

  9. I’m 7 months pregnant and found out around 2 weeks ago that my husband was indulged in a cyber affair. My fears werre confirmed when I got hold of his phone and checked through his FaceBook profile..

    What to do. Im shattered

    • Sara,

      I’m so sorry this is happening to you right now, the anxiety and pain must be double sue to the fact that you are pregnant and probably just ruined what was supposed to be the best time of your life.

      As for what to do, as always a tough question. I’ve just written a new post about this exactly, and I think it may be really helpful to you. Here it is:


      I really hope it helps and let me know if there is anything I can helop with.

  10. I have been searching for articles to help me get through this horribly painful experience. My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years. We have 2 beautiful babies together and my two daughters from a previous relationship. I always thought we had a happy loving relationship until I stumbled upon the horrible texts. He sent her texts saying how badly he wanted her and how he loves the way she touches him. He of course promised they were joking. I wasn’t stupid nor did I believe that nonsense. After a week of threatening this woman that I would tell her husband I found out the truth. They had been sleeping together for 6 months. They had been sleeping together during my pregnancy and the first 3 months of my sons life. I got into his phone account and looked up the last 6 months and each month they would text each other roughly 900 times. It makes me sick. They were coworkers. They would text each other while at work all day long and then have sex in her car after work and then he would come home to me acting as though nothing had happened. We had a great sex life and would have sex almost daily if not more. He still seemed very attracted to me and this was something I never would’ve imagined him doing. They sent each other 43 texts and slept together the day before I went into labor with my son and had texted each other with plans to do it again the next night but I went into labor instead. He stayed at home for a week and the texts stopped during that week. The minute he got back to work when our son was a week old he was texting her again. I want to know details but I’m scared of the answers. I am beyond hurt and beyond damaged and I don’t know what to do. All I want to do is make him feel the way he made me feel. I want him to have to have the pictures in his head. I keep picturing me at home getting ready to go into labor and him having sex with this woman. It obviously wasn’t strictly about Sex or there wouldn’t have been an overwhelming amount of texts. I must also add he is a porn addict. During these months I was so proud of him because he had almost 100% stopped watching it and I finally thought the pain and hurt was over. I was so wrong. I cried to him several times during the affair about how hurt I was because of his other actions and he genuinely looked like he felt bad and promised me he was doing all he could do to show me he was being honest and committed to me. He does show remorse and its caused him to tell me he hates himself and doesn’t know how he could’ve done this to our family. We are going to go to therapy but he’s a compulsive liar and I just feel like he will lie. I am scared. I don’t think we can ever recover from this. I love him with all of my heart and I feel like he ruined everything I thought we had together. I can’t live my life wondering how and why he did this to me. It’s one thing to start it but another to carry it on for such a long time. The last month of his affair was the month he was proving himself to me. He knew how hurt and damaged I already was because of things that happened before and he saw the pain in my heart and kept sleeping with this woman. He obviously didn’t feel enough remorse or respect for me. I don’t think I can do this. I feel like my heart has stopped beating. I feel like this man has taken all of my love that I gave him and spit on it. I gave him 2 beautiful babies and he gave me a broken heart and feelings of despair. I will never get these horrible pictures out of my mind. Somedays it’s so bad I honestly just want to die.

    • Jennifer, I can’t tell you how much I’m sorry for what you’re going through, your story has brought tears to my eyes and I don’t even know you.

      I’ve noticed one thing in your story: No matter how much pain you are experiencing, the feeling of betrayel and the realiaing that he is a compulsive liar – You haven’t even brough up the possibility of simply leaving him and ending this relationship, which I think is only going to cause more pain to you in the future.
      I know that ir seems impossible sometimes to break up a family, and you don’t want to do it to your children. Maybe you are financially dependant on him, but I don’t think that it’s worth it.

      It makes you feel so bad you sometimes just want to die… This is not good for you or your children, who are sensitive creatures and feel all the pain you are going through, even if you do the best you can to hide it.

      I am usually pro-reconciliation, but not for any price. I believe that one time cheating or even a brief affair can be overcome in a marriage.
      But in your case I think this almost falls under abusement. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings and takes you for granted.

      His remorse does not sound genuine from your description and I wouldn’t be sure he has even ended the affair.
      I would definitely stop threatning and actually tell her husband about this, he deserves to know.

      I hope you find the strength to get out of this destructive relationship and start again, because this man has not hurt you for the last time, I can tell you that.

      Hang in there, be strong for your children and do your best to give them the happy mother they so long for.

      You’ve fallen deep, but you can get up again, I promise. Contact a lawyer and at least learn about your rights. Take a small step every day.

      I wish you all the best my friend.


  11. Ihave been with my husband 34 years and he has cheated until he got caught the first time in 2011 and he told me it was over but then he got caught again in 2013 with the same person and another one differant times but a few months apart and he said he was not doing anything !!!!

    • In my opinion, he is a serial cheater, and as such I don’t think there’s much you can d osave your marriage. I think that you should protect yourself. Do not believe any word he says and consult with a lawyer.
      I am so sorry your heart was broken this way. You deserve better.

  12. Thank you for replying so quick. Its harder with my 5yo than anything. I’m trying to be strong for her but everything inside is screaming. She adores her daddy, and no matter how he is as a husband, he’s always been a great dad. I don’t want her to see him the way I do..I don’t want this to hurt her..not this young. I’m trying to work through it and I know he is too, but between just having a baby, getting no sleep and this, my emotions are all over the place.I go from having a good day, to bawling, to royally pissed off with the flip of a switch.I tried taking medicine but I didn’t feel like it helped the situation at all

  13. 3weeks ago this Friday I found out that my husbands had an affair last summer. We will be married for 6 years at the end of September.. He worked with this girl and carpooled with her nearly every day. I knew something want right at the time do I actually bought him a motorcycle just to limit contact. He was hiding everything, treating me horrible and deleting all of his text messages. The affair lasted all summer, but every time I confronted him about it he lied to me.how could he look me in the face and tell me he loved me while he was sleeping with another woman? Anyways, I know that he is sorry, and he is really seeming to try, I just don’t know how to move past this. I love him and want this to work, we both do, for ourselves and for our daughters(5yo & 2 month old, both girls).I meant it when I said I do.. I meant it when I said for better or for worse, and I feel like this is for worse, at least I hope this is the worst. I guess I just want to know how to move on? I feel so humiliated..so unattractive, like if there wasn’t something wrong with me he wouldn’t have done it. I know that its not my fault, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’ve never been so hurt in my life and I just want to know how to get my marriage back to where I can trust the love of my life again..to where I can do all the little things with him again that he did with her and not feel like my heart is in a vise grip .. I want my life back, help!

    • I’m so sorry you have to go through this…and with a 2 month old too..
      I can understand how you feel,it’s horrible, and it haunts you every day. I know.
      This is a turning point in your marriage. I know it’s hard to see right now, but if you want to save your marriage, and you do, this could be the beginning of a positive transformation.
      The affair didn’t just happen. There are circumstances that led to it. It’s not fault, but most of us don’t really deal with our marital problems until something awful like this happens.

      Something is fundamentally wrong in your marriage and I really think that you need outside help to get through this. It’s going to be very hard to deal with this on your own.

      As for the painful emotions, please see this article below, it will help you learn how to deal with them so you can start the healing process of both you and your marriage:


      Hang in there. I know it’s unbelievably hard, but if you and your husband really want to get through this, you will.

  14. This is a difficult question because I don’t have enough information. Is he begging your forgiveness? Has he ended the affair? I he showing true remorse? These are important signs you have to look for to see if there’s ever a chance you get trust him again. To see what these signs are and what to do next, see this article:

    And in any way, I think giving your marriage one last chance can’t really hurt. At least you will know that you did everything you can for this relationship.

  15. My husband and I got married 3 years ago after an affair of 5 years. He recently admitted to having an affair for the last 3 years, i. e the whole length of our marriage.

    we dont have kids but my family feel we should go for a divorce.

    I feel I still love him but dont know if I could forgive and forget he cheated on me for 3 whole years. How do I decide? Should I try to salvage the marriage or just divorce him?

  16. Hello RG and thank you for reading this article. I have to say that I obviously wasn’t referring to your type of unfortunate situation. I think that being faithful to your disabled wife for such a long time (not to mention being a dedicated care giver like you are) and extremely admirable and I hope there a few more men like you.
    I think that in your case it would be very justified to look for sexual intimacy outside your marriage, especially if your wife no longer is interested due to her illness. I don’t think there are many people who will not understand where you are coming from. I think that if your talk to your wife honestly there’s a chance she will think that as well.
    I wish you all the best,

  17. So tell me what is a man suposed to do when his wife is disbled? I have been my wife’s caregiver for well over 20 years. I the last 20 years I daily change her diapers, catheterize her, and bathe her. My marriage was bad before her illness and I planned to divorce after our children became adults. The multiple sclerosis changed my plans. I have been faithful in this 33+ year marriage. Now what do I have to show for it? I no longer care about what anyone thinks about a husband that has an affair. I am now looking to have an affair. I’ve done without sex for far too long and I am fed up with you so called experts and the bs morality in this country. I find the majority of the people on this site and other sites to be very hypocritical.

    • Obviously, you wouldn’t be here if you know what you’re planning to do is WRONG. You’re seeking approval and are trying to justify cheating. There is no justification. You married your wife for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, IN SICKNESS and in health. I applaud you for taking such good care of your wife for so many years, I know how tough it is because my cousin did the same thing for 15 years. He was a good man and loved his wife. He remained faithful to her until her death. Imagine your wife, being in the condition she’s in, finding out about or knowing about an affair. She’s helpless to do anything about it! Knowing the horrible pain of being cheated on, I can only imagine how she would feel….not being able to do ANYTHING about it because she depends on you. Continue to be the wonderful husband you are. UNLESS, you can discuss it with her and find out how she would react to an affair. Maybe she’ll give you her blessings.


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