“Pack his things and throw them out the window or just burn them in the backyard?
Kill him with my bare hands or use a baseball bat?”
I’ll bet these are the first thoughts of any woman who just found out her spouse has been or still is cheating on her.
Than comes the real shock.
The unbelievable rage. The thoughts of revenge. The devastation. The anxiety. The feeling that the life you know has been sucked into a black hole.
And finally comes the hopelessness. The worst feeling of all.
My Husband Cheated – The Ultimate Deal Breaker?
Every bone in your body tells you that cheating is the ultimate deal breaker in a marriage.
How can you ever trust him again after he has done this to you? How could he cheat and claim he loves you? How could he play you for a fool and compulsively lie to you?
How could he take the risk of destroying your family? the life that you built together?
What Stops You From Throwing Him Out Right Now?
In reality, most married women (especially with kids) do not act on their fantasy and immediately throw their cheating husbands to the curb.
1. The Children
If you have children, you think about their well being before you consider yours. That’s how moms are built.
You don’t want to make them go through a divorce. You don’t want to ruin their perception of their father. You want to give them the stability and security they had until now.
You fear that you won’t be able to provide for your children without his salary. Maybe you are used to being a stay at home mom and you fear the huge change you’ll have to make to become a sole provider.
This is not the man you married. You can’t believe this is really happening to you. It’s so unbelievable that you will either deny it ever happened or become obsessed with finding the reason for it – hoping that it’s something that makes sense and can be fixed.
You’ve invested so much and so many years in this relationship and this man.
It’s hard to walk away from an investment. Even a bad one.
It’s scary to leave someone. It’s even scarier to break up a family. You’ve never imagined this could happen to you nor did you prepare for it in any way.
Jumping into the unknown is the scariest thing we can do.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t imagine the day you’ll be a happily divorced woman. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel and it’s frightening.
How to Know if You Should Give Him Another Chance
All of the reasons written above are not an excuse to stay with a lying cheating husband. The children will not benefit from growing up with resentful and angry parents.
Fear should not determine your life decisions.
Denial only goes so far.
As for financial fear, nothing is worse than feeling trapped in a marriage because of money. You have rights, and if you’ll contact a lawyer you will know what they are.
Real reconciliation with an unfaithful husband is impossible, unless he meets these 5 basic requirements:
1. No “Pick Me” Situation
The first requirement that needs to be met is that your husband ends the affair all together, right now.
If he asks for time to decide (!!) what he wants to do, you should send him packing immediately.
There’s no “pick me” situation here. Don’t give his that power and don’t let him add insult to injury.
2. Down on His Knees
If your husband has lamely apologized once and demands for you to “get over it” ever since, he obviously has no respect or love for you.
If he can’t even acknowledge how much he has hurt you and doesn’t bend over backwards to make you see how genuinely sorry he is, IMO reconciliation is not possible.
3. Not Even One More…
Your husband has to stop lying. NOW. Not tomorrow, not later, now. No more lies, ever again. This is a huge part in a real reconciliation.
If your husband has admitted his cheating but keeps lying to you about the details of the affair or anything else – He is probably going to keep lying to you for the rest of your life.
4. Open Book
Your husband has to understand that he has broken your trust, maybe forever.
He needs to do everything he possibly can to regain your trust, and the first step is complete transparency.
He will have to give you all the passwords to all the websites, back accounts, emails, everything.
He will have to tell you where he is going and when he is coming and always answer your calls. At least in the near future.
5. A Shoulder to Lean On
If your husband is not willing to contain your pain and anger and dismisses your feelings with the ever so popular “get over it”, reconciliation will become impossible.
You’ll get over it when you are good and ready, maybe never.
If he doesn’t accept it and try to help and support you through your pain, there’s nothing more you can do with this man.
The Decision That Changed My Life
When my husband cheated, I decided to give him one more chance.
Personally, I didn’t want to go to marriage counseling after my husband’s 6 month affair.
This program not only showed me how to cope with the trauma, deal with never-ending affair images and negative thoughts and heal myself, but showed MY HUSBAND how to become completely honest and transparent, how to ask for my forgiveness and how to take responsibility and protect our marriage from further harm.
If your husband doesn’t meet at least 4 of the requirements above, reconciliation may be impossible and you can only look forward to more pain and hurt in the future.
But if he does, not all hope is gone. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and this light can be very bright and warming.
What about you? Will your husband meet these requirements or are you more convinced you have to end your marriage now? Share your story with me below.
Rooting for ya,