“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
I’ll bet that’s what your husband said right before he left you for another woman.
When your spouse says they no longer love you, that doesn’t always mean the love is dead. It may simply mean that his love is covered up by anger, frustration, resentment, or other emotions.
Your marriage doesn’t have to be over, even if he thinks he’s in love with someone else, and even if he has already left.
The Real Reason Your Husband Left You for Another Woman
The man you married has chosen to leave you for someone else. But that doesn’t mean she is any better than you.
(👉 Read: how to overcome his midlife crisis affair)
Even if she’s 20 years younger than you, even if her hair is bigger and her waistline is smaller. It’s not your fault.
Remember this: Your cheating husband is the one with the character flaw. And if the OW knew that he was married, she also has a (huge) character flaw.
Here are the real reasons your husband has left you:
- Your marriage was struggling prior to the affair. Most marriages have problems, but your husband chose to cheat instead of staying, digging in, and resolving your problems.
- Your husband, like many people, chose to avoid dealing with the problems. Instead, he tried to put out a small fire in the stove with a stick of dynamite.
When he started cheating, he entered into a fantasy world in which everything is heavenly.
He found a woman who adores him (mainly because she doesn’t know him at all), who doesn’t complain about anything, and who gives him a chance to “fall in love” again.
Is there a long-term marriage that can compete with that?
It feels so good that it’s literally addicting.
And that’s why he decided to leave the real world and go to his fantasy land.
Will it Last?
To justify his “feelings”, he may even start to rewrite history. He’ll say things like “I never really loved you,” “We’ve never had great sex,” “I married you out of a sense of obligation, and more heart-breaking statements.
But I can almost guarantee that he is not actually in love with her. He’s in love with the addiction. The excitement. The “new” sex.
He won’t admit it, because he is probably not aware of it. But it’s true, even if he claims this woman is his “soul mate,” they were “meant to be”, they have “so much in common” blah, blah.
👉 Read: How to save your marriage during separation
Do Husbands Come Back After Leaving for Another Woman?
Can you win your husband back from the other woman?
I know that it feels like he has all the power right now. HE decided to have an affair. He decided to choose someone else over you. He decided to leave.
But believe it or not, you have the power to make him regret it. You have the power to make him crawl back on his knees and beg for your forgiveness.
He left you but you still love him. That’s why you’re here, right?
The Steps You Need to Take Are:
1. Skip the Begging
No matter what you’ve said up until now, contact him and tell him that you feel that your separation was the right thing to do. Tell him that you understand why he left and that you’ve had serious problems that weren’t addressed.
Do not tell him that you love him.
This will do 2 things: First, it will shock the hell out of him. He expects a huge blowout, he expects to fight with you, and he expects drama.
And when the drama doesn’t come, it will force him to really deal with his actions. To think twice about what he did and whether he did the right thing.
Nothing is there to distract him from evaluating his actions.
The second thing this achieves is his admiring of your strength and understating that you admit your marriage has unresolved problems.
For you, this step brings the power back to you. Now it’s not only his decision. It’s yours as well.
2. Skip the Promises
Calling him, texting him, and trying to convince him that you’ll change is a huge mistake. This smells like desperation and desperation is not appealing or attractive.
Your husband needs to know that you don’t think that this crisis is your fault. He should know that you are aware of your needs and your principles.
Telling him you’ll change will give him more power. And it only proves to him that he made the right decision.
3. Skip the Guilt
I know it goes against your instincts, but don’t make him feel guilty about tearing up the family.
You want him back, but you don’t want him to come back only through guilt, right? Also, this will only make him defensive and pull him further away from you.
4. Don’t Confront Her
Contacting the other woman, either to yell and blame her for everything or just to ask her about details of their affair is NOT going to make him end it.
On the contrary.
Doing this will only strengthen their bond. They’ll have one more thing in common – complaining about you.
Avoid this common mistake.
👉 Here’s my full post about confronting the other woman)
The Next Crucial Steps
Once you’ve prevented or fixed the above mistakes, it’s time to take the next steps to get your husband back and make things change for the first time in your marriage.
These steps have to be taken immediately. You have to strike while the iron is hot. If you wait until he starts a divorce process, it may be too late.
First, you’ll have to heal from the pain and trauma, and then learn how to fall in love with each other again.
You can do it, even if he left for another woman.
In my opinion, everything you need to do and say is in this free marriage help (and marriage assessment).
It will show you how to handle your pain, how to prevent destructive behaviors, how to make him end his affair, and how to rebuild the love.
Remember: If you were once in love, you can fall in love again.
Rooting for ya,