Should you confront the other woman?
It took blood, sweat, and tears to get my husband to tell me about the other woman.
This was days after he admitted to having an affair with her. A 6-month affair to be exact. But he did everything he could to avoid spilling out her name.
When he finally did, I spent the next three nights fully awake, agonizing about one question:
Should I Confront the Other Woman?
Should I confront her?
I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurt beyond belief.
On the one hand, I wanted to tell her off. I spent hours trying to come up with the perfect remark to deliver along with my poisoned umbrella tip.
On the other hand, I wanted to meet her. To see what this woman has that I don’t. To get all the affair details from her. I wanted to know how she could sleep at night. Was she married too?
I found her number on my husband’s phone and I called her.
2 seconds later I hung up. Something stopped me.
I had a feeling that this would be a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
Do you think about contacting her right now?
What do you think you’ll gain from this?
1. Telling Her Off?
What would you say to this woman, that you probably hate?
Unless this woman has no idea that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for, she knows exactly what she is doing and has devised all kinds of rationales, a brick wall guarding her against anything you have to say.
She has convinced herself that your marriage is ending. That you don’t give him what he needs. That you’re crazy.
“Stay away from my husband you @@#$$% !!” – you’ll scream at her.
And you’ve validated her assumptions: you are nuts.
In her eyes, she is “saving” your husband from a marriage of misery.
And she will tell you this. She will tell you why your husband cheated with her. She will tell you things (that even though are complete lies) will scar you for life.
Considering this, telling her off will not make her develop a conscience; it will only make you feel pathetic. Stuck with the memory of this conversation forever.
👉 He is having a middle-life crisis affair? see how to cope with his midlife crisis affair
2. How Could She Do This?
If you’re just curious about how this woman could engage in an affair with a married man, skip it.
Think about it. To stay in an affair with a married man for any length of time, you have to take a long leave from your senses.
Either she suffers from low self-esteem (Remaining a side dish for who knows how long?) or she is a flaming narcissist (rules don’t apply to them).
My point is – who cares?
Take your flashlight and point it at your spouse.
Why did HE do it? Then point it to both of you and ask – how did this happen to YOU two?
👉 Read: The 7 types of affairs (why they happen, and how to best deal with them)
3. Getting the Truth about the Affair?
Another common reason to contact the other woman is to get the whole truth about the affair.
You may think that your husband is lying about it. Or is not telling the whole truth.
(And you’re probably right).
How did the affair start? Who initiated it? What did he tell her about you? About your marriage?
You want to know everything. And you want to know what your husband is still not telling or lying about. You can’t help it.
But let me assure you: You won’t get the truth out of her.
Just like your spouse, her story will be adjusted to her beliefs, and her side of things and you’ll only get the twisted leftovers of the affair details.
She is not your friend, and she will not try to help you.
Plus, to get this information, you’ll have to appeal to her sense of humanity. You’ll have to force yourself to be classy and beg her to talk to you “woman to woman”.
What a boost to her ego.
And for what?
To get the truth about the affair, talk to your husband. There are ways to get the truth out of him – It’s easier than you think.
6 Questions to Ask the Other Woman (If You Can’t Help Yourself)
If you are determined to go this route because you think you need closure or to understand why, or your spouse does not answer your questions, here are a few questions I would ask:
- Is the affair over?
- How did you start seeing my husband?
- Did he talk about our marriage with you?
- What did he tell you about me?
- Are you in love with him? do you feel like you know him?
- Are you married or in a relationship?
But I remind you:
She has just as many reasons to embellish the truth as your husband does (if not more) and she will often package things to make her less responsible and your husband more so.
To this day, I’m so happy I didn’t contact the OW.
I saved myself from feeling pathetic, begging for information, and helplessly pleading for humanity.
I prevented a gigantic ego boost both for her and for him (Two women fight over me? Great! I must be such a man!)
And most importantly, I realized that it is pointless.
I should focus on myself and him. I should focus on healing myself from his affair, and then healing our marriage to prevent this from ever happening again.
She has nothing to do with it. She has nothing to do with us.
If your husband wants to engage in an affair or leave you for another woman, no amount of rage or rationale will prevent that.
Don’t call her to tell her off, beg or plead. Get her out of the equation and focus on you and him.
Here’s what to do if your husband left you for another woman.
If you don’t know if you can ever trust him again – here’s how to regain the trust.
Confronting the other woman? A pointless exercise. Pointing a finger and laughing? Definitely. Go right ahead.
Rooting for ya,