Cheating is unforgivable, right?
Your wife cheated. Your heart screams. Your ego shouts at you: Leave her! Leave her now! Punish her!
But you still love your unfaithful wife. You know it. And you’re helpless about it.
So you’re stuck.
“When my wife finally admitted that she cheated on me I was so shocked that for a few long minutes I couldn’t even speak.”
My husband’s best friend was sitting on our couch, looking like he’s been dragged on the pavement.
He continued:
“A few days ago I went to our laptop to check my mail and I saw that she left hers open. I noticed a lot of email from one of her co-workers (whom I’ve met a few times before), which made me instantly suspicious.
To my utter shock and disbelief, I’ve discovered that they’ve been having an affair for more than a month.
My wife cheated on me even in our own bed”.
Page Contents
My Wife Cheated on Me – What Should I Do?
According to Fox News, Most cheating statistics show that about 50-60 percent of women admitted to having an affair in the USA.
But no matter if your wife “only” had a one-night thing or a 7-year affair with her co-worker, the moment of discovery is the most shocking, painful, and soul-crushing experience you’ve ever had in your life.
This crazy cocktail of rage, loneliness, devastation, jealousy, shock, insecurity, and utter humiliation follows you 24/7 where ever you go.
How could she do this to you?
“I Saw the Signs but Never Believed My Wife Could Have Sex With Another Man”
As we sit in our home with our friend, too shocked to respond, he continued:
“Deep inside I knew something was going on. She has told me about her conversations with this guy but swore that he was just a friend and kept telling me that he’s also married.
I was obviously jealous, but she kept defending this “friendship” even though I’ve never been this angry with her in our entire relationship.
But I trusted her. Even though we had our problems, I thought that our connection was deeper than this. I thought my wife could never betray me like this”.
Don’t handle this situation alone – get this free marriage help from marriage counselor Mort Fertel!
Should You Forgive Your Wife After She Cheated?
Finding out about your wife’s cheating has probably thrown you into the deepest, darkest emotional hole of your entire life.
This is true even if your marriage had problems. Who doesn’t have problems? You thought.
This is even truer if you always did your best to be a good husband. Always giving her love and attention, helping around the house and telling her how beautiful and special she is.
You thought you had every reason to trust her.
“She is Begging My Forgiveness but I’m Obsessed”
“After making me feel so stupid for believing her that nothing was going on, she is now groveling and begging my forgiveness.
But all I can do is to keep thinking about them together. About him touching her, kissing her, sleeping with her. It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep yet”.
I think about it all the time. When I’m driving, when I’m working, when I’m trying to sleep. I’m obsessed”.
What to Do if You Still Love Her?
She has hurt you as no one has ever hurt you before, but you know you still love her. You don’t want to lose her, and something “mysterious” keeps you from packing your bags and leaving right now.
The need for revenge is poking at you all along. Should I cheat on her too? That’ll show her!
But you’re a smart guy and you know revenge will probably end your marriage for good.
You don’t know how to stop bleeding inside. You don’t know how to stop the haunting images. You don’t know how to recover and how to ever trust her again.
In this complicated situation, when you can’t even think straight, the best thing is to first focus on what NOT to do.
1. Jealousy
Imagining your wife with that a**hole, you know, physically, is something all cheated men will do. And it will turn you crazy green with jealousy.
It’s normal. The trick is not to get stuck with it for a year.
2. Man Up
In a desperate attempt to avoid humiliation and heartbreak, you will try to “be a man about it” and minimize your feelings as much as possible.
You’ll try to convince yourself that it’s not as big a deal. Huge mistake. You’ll only blow up later (and much worse) instead of now.
Tell your wife how this makes you feel, even if she tries to dismiss it, and tell her everything her cheating has made you feel, even if she insists that it didn’t mean anything and that she never loved him.
Tell her how much you’ve been hurt and that you need space and time to figure out how you’re going to handle this.
3. Jumping the Gun
The first thing you wanted to do when you found out was to pack your bags and get the hell out, right?
But this is not the time for life-altering decisions. You’re all over the place right now, probably incapable of focusing for more than 2 minutes.
Now’s not the time to decide if you are leaving, getting a divorce, or getting revenge.
Some decisions can make things WORSE, believe it or not. Others have an irreversible outcome.
Go get this free help, take the first step toward healing, and you’ll know better after that.
Should You Also Cheat to Get Revenge?
Many men have told me that the first thing they wanted to do when they found out about their wife being unfaithful – was to get revenge and cheat themselves.
This way, they think, she will know how devastating this experience is.
But, I strongly suggest that you think long and hard before you do this. This could bring on the final death of your marriage because two wrongs don’t make a right, and the trust between you two may never be restored.
What about you? How did you find out about your wife’s cheating? Are you going to do something about your pain today?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
I’m the wife in the scenario, so you will all hate me.
But, I wanted to shed some light, from the other side. Every situation is different though, but I can tell you the general things that happened from my side of it (wife’s side).
My husband promised me he would always put me first, he made me feel that he would always take care of me, hold me every night, make me feel special, make me feel cherished and loved with affection and time with me. Well, he doesn’t do those things. He never makes time for me, he puts his job first, and he only spends a bit of time with me every week. I feel alone, so lonely all the time. I’m a beautiful woman and get attention from men when I go out.. well, eventually a man broke into my barriers. He made me feel special, wanted, cherished, desired. I felt like I’m finally a woman again, that I have someone who wants me so close to him, to hold me and cherish me. So I had an emotional affair, but I haven’t cheated physically. I’m so afraid it is a matter of time before I will crumble and want this other man so much that I actually do cheat in physical. I told my husband about my affair, because I can’t lie to him and it’s killing me. he’s finally paying a bit more attention to me. But my heart is broken from so many years of neglect. The feelings run deep and it’s so painful. So please, husbands, please ASK your wife what she needs, if she wants more attention, more time, more love, give those things to her. Hoping things work out for you all. xx
Yeah that’s what my wife told me, I focused too much on my work and other men gave her attention, finally I had to travel due to work and it happened, she jumped into bed with another man, I am seriouly baffled about how women have to be treated like little girls, you have to hug them, cuddle them, buy them chocolates or they will go into another man’s bed, 15 years, 1 son, an entire planned future and she just had to get in bed with someone else because she needed to feel special. Yeah very mature.
I’m still with her because I still love her (something is seriously wrong with me) and I love my kid, my trust in her is gone, I have been the provider for all these 15 years, gave her and my son a very good life (because I work hard) and she had to destroy our marriage because “she felt I didn’t loved her enough”, yeah that guy did loved her a lot in that hotel room, so much she had to come begging and try to save her marriage once I found out, now her future with me has changed, no more friends, no more going out, no more trust, she had everything, now she has a golden cage.
MissKass you don’t need a man, you need a boy to be with you at all times and comply with your every whim, a grown woman should know better that to be an ungrateful petty child.
I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. We had periods of drug use with said friend. He too was in an unhappy marriage, in happy for far longer of a period than mine. I’ve said some horrible things especially in the last two years of our marriage. I believe that these two found and tried to build their relationship in the misery of themselves and highlighting to each other the problems of each marriage. My wife and I have set forth the plan of taking time before jumping to a direct path. We both see either being together or moving on. Both of us know that therapy will help direct and guide us in what’s right. She has apologized and I have apologized on my end. We are both learning more about each other and ourselves more in these two months than we had in the year and a half when things got ugly. I do feel like she still highlights my wrongdoings and chooses not to remember all the good we have shared. I hope she can remain in understanding the time it will take to heal and forgive. Not only me but in forgiving herself and us as a married couple. May God bless us both in these trying times…
My wife has cheated on my in the beginning of our relationship at lest 3 times.
I came to terms to forgive her and move on.
I recently found out that this time she cheated on me with a co worker BUT…
The situation was very odd
What I seen from text and what she confesses to me was that she was dirty talking with him for a while that lead him to sexually assault her a few times. Mind you my wife is not a brave person and don’t know how to deal with stuff like that.
She did confess to me that there was one time where she seek for it even tho she knew what she was doing was wrong..
She doesn’t want to tell her job or the police because even tho it was a rape she still content to a one time deal after the assault.
She told me this wasn’t at all a love thing but more of a Curiosity thing that led to this Situation
I told her the only way I can take you back is if you tell him how much your F up our marriage. Witch she did. I forgive her for it
I don’t want to leave her also is because she is pregnant with our child and we are expecting. I found out when she was already 4 months in.
She got a DNA test with him the first time you came back negative she got a DNA test the second time with me you came back 100% positive so the Child is mine.
I’m happy the baby is mine but I feel like even if I forgiven her and know we still have a future I still feel lonely depressed trapped and nervous and filled with so much emotions and Anxiety every day.
I found out a few days ago that my wife of 13 months has been cheating on me for a few months. It was like she was living a double life, lying to him and to me. When I confronted her she tried to explain it. She wanted me to be understanding and give her a month or so to end the relationship with him. I was a fool because I never questioned anything she said. I trusted her 100%, She said she was not getting what she wanted out of the marriage and that I had not been the man I promised I would be. We dated for 3 years before we got married. We had an agreement since she identifies as bi-sexual that she was allowed to have a relationship with a women without me but absolutely no me. Now she says since I allowed that she thought I would be ok with this even though it wasn’t our agreement.
The day I found out I made her leave our house. She has said she was sorry and we have talked a little but most of it has been me hollering at her and her hollering back. Now I am not sure what to do. During our conversations she will talk about getting back together and the next minute she will talk about divorce. I am not sure I want her back or if she is even interested in coming back. How do tell what she wants to do. I decided yesterday not to call or text her. I wasn’t doing anything but badgering her anyway. I don’t want to mention getting back together unless I know that is what she wants. How do I know if she wants to or not?
I think she doesn’t know what she wants herself and that’s why she keeps changing her mind. I think what she really wants is to have both of you, and she is having trouble choosing – if she is forced to. With knowing this, you may want to decide whether you can stay with her the way she wants it – or not.
I dont know what to do. I’m shattered in every possible way.
Please can anyone give me any advice.
I can’t even look at her.
I’m lost.
I know how you feel!
I just found out 2 days ago my wife cheated few months back with someone from a club shes part of – didn’t see it coming at all. She’s been on and off crying since it happened which I put down to depression (which shes suffered with in the past), but it turns out her guilt has been the cause. She keeps apologising and I know she’s sorry, but I’m stuck in a constant cycle of thinking about them together (so much so I asked her to tell me exactly what happened as my mind was racing around thinking up all sorts), wanting the break stuff, break him. I feel flat, low, angry, sad, everything. I still love her, and want to get past it, but like I said it’s all I can think about. I stayed up till 5:30 this morning watching TV, just trying desperately not to think/picture it.
Sorry it lasts forever. My wife cheated with her boss almost 40 years ago and I still picture them together. I still love her and we’re still married, but it still hurts me and she still says she doesn’t know why she did it and never happened since.
my wife did the same over 40 years ago said there was no sex but I still wonder,, also now doesn’t remember anything about it only there was no sex…
What I find amazing is that your still believing what she says.
It’s not because she says she’s not cheating anymore that she’s not. A women that showed once she was a liar has a high chance of remaining a liar.
I just found out last night my wife had a physical affair 2 years ago that lasted a month but until yesterday morning was sexting with the guy. I love her, but I am a broken man.
Be careful , play the long game I guess. Don’t let her take your money get a post-nuptial
How does that work? The postnuptial? Thanks.
I just found out this morning that my wife of 17 years has been cheating on me for a year. The guy broke it off with her 2 months ago because she wouldn’t leave me and our kids. Which means had he not have broken it off with her they’d probably still be seeing each other. I’m so broken and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Never felt pain quite like this before.
Hey man, My wife cheated 3 years ago. Got pregnant in the affair. She gave it up and we are still together but it eats at me everyday
Not the sex, the love she had for him while with me. I still can’t get over it
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, we have had many issues. I was diagnosed with PTSD, she has been as well. we have 2 younger kids. One has a serious medical issue that causes ups and downs. Both of us started counselling for our mental health issues. She stopped working about 2 years ago and everything is on my salary, i don’t stick that in her face but it is tough!
She started working out, a while ago and i applauded it as i think she’s withdrawn from everything. We have been rude to each other, sarcastic, sort and fight verbally about stupid things. She is older then i am in her latter 40’s. She had a lot of crap growing up with her parents who separated when she was 12. She was sexually assaulted at 16 and never got help. She had a previous marriage and discovered the guy was nuts so she left her home town for 7 years.
I found lately she has been withdrawn and doesn’t want to talk about any of our issues. One night she told me she was going to meet with friends she hadn’t seen in a while. I was happy for her. She went out and came home late. I said nothing about it other than i hope she had a good time. Later i found out she was with a guy she dated when she was 16-17. I was upset she lied to me. He has a fiance who was in town looking after an ill parent. She went out with this person and her mom and sister, then went out with him alone. Long story short i found out she was meeting with him and met with him alone at her sisters apartment over night. She tells me nothing happened and she’s just friends. I said well can i talk to his GF she said no your not wrecking his relationship. I was like what the heck it’s ok for ours??
We were agreed to go to counselling and i didn’t want her to speak to him while we were working on things. She said ok.
Turns out she still messaged him and deleted the messages. she told me so. All of a sudden she drops the “i love you but not in love with you” line. She tells me the day before counselling she doesn’t want to go to counselling and can’t see us working it out, and she wants me to be happy with someone else. She want’s to live in the same house as long as we can. We went to counselling and she told me again she stopped communicating with this dude.
3 weeks into counselling she tells me at the end of the session she is communicating with him and it’s not like what i think. I don’t know what to do. She won’t let me in and the whole thing is killing me. I’m struck because i love her, she told me we should have never got married. I asked her about him, she says she doesn’t want sex with me or anyone else. She says they just talk and she laughs, she likes it because he doesn’t know anything about what has gone on with our lives.
I don’t know if things were sexual or not, i care for her, and legit want to work on it, she still says she doesn’t. I don’t know what to do. its been since mid Aug.
Sorry to hear your story, I know from my own experiences how painful this can be. The truth is that it takes two to make a relationship and it sounds like your has decided she wants out. For your own sake now you need to plan for your life without her. A clean break is usually the best in the long run so don’t cave into living together while apart. Good luck
I got to know my wife had been cheating on me periodically for the past 8 years. We dated for 6 years, but our marriage will be 3years soon.
She cheated on me with 3 different guys. I got to know through their chats.
I notified some of her relatives with evidences. She didn’t deny but pleaded for forgiveness.
I love my wife so so much… She betrayed my trust…but she feels so remorseful
It’s been very difficult not to think about the whole scenario almost every 2hrs. My heart bleeds with pain.
But am scared she may do it again. .. She swore with all her life not to engage in such after crying every day for the past 2months.
It was a difficult moment in my marriage.
We are married for 17 years and have 2 kids 16 years dauyher and 9 years son, i found out that she is cheating me and it was for last 3 month with her co worker, when i read their texts it was psichically unnormal they was having sex in parking lot at their work they was having sex in bushes she was giving him a blowjob and much more i am really serious about bushes and everything else as she confessed in everything, she is begging me crying and saying that she loves only me and she wants to stay with me, also i am earning 80% of our income and im not sure if she says that because she do not want to loose it or she says that because of our kids, i love and adore her till now and i do not know what i can do without her but same time i understand that it is not normal to leave her in my house, i really do not know what to do
It’s about the money I promise
Hi Doc,
Do not be taken for a mug. She knew what she was doing. Did she love you and only you all the times she was being unfaithful? It’s rhetorical, of course not. Kick her to the kerb where she belongs.
I and my wife are married for 5 years, 2 kids together and 2 from her previous marriage.
About 3 months into our marriage, i found out she was talking romatically with someone on facebook. I condronted her about it (non violently) and then she called the police that she is afraid of her life.
I felt betrayed for her to have lied and put the blame on me. We however continue to stay together but i lost hope at that point. I indulge myself into online affairs: talking to females online but never meeting up.
When my wife found out about this, she confronted me. I then appologized and changed.
She however moved out but we didnt get divorce. We maintained separate housing though.
On September (4 nonths ago), i found out she is comnunocating and in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Her ex used to stalk on us when we were leaving together. She said he makes her happy. But i told her ok then, let us nove forward with a divorce then she said she wants us to work things out. But i found out that even after she stopped talking to him, she saved his name as “fam” so i will think is her family member.
She is avoiding to even talk sbout it now. She is saying i am digging up the past. I then bought a phone and switch his number stored as fam with the new number. If i ever get a call from her to that new line, that means she is trying to contact him and i will go straight for a divorce.
We live together now.
Any advice?
It’s quite complicated, I admit. I think the only way to work this out is to be completely honest with one another – about what we really want, about how you both feel about other people outside your relationship, and about the personal issues that lead you to look outside your relationship. If you really talk, in an honest way – without withholding things from one another – you have a better chance at working this out and restoring the trust.
My wife confesed her cheat on me 10 years later!!She met this Guy on a seminar.. iT started with drinks and small talk and texting and endes with one time sex.She says She feels guilty , shame and pain.She could stop iT before the situation got physical.After her relation we started a family with 2 beautiful kids and a great Home.My wife works for me.. She had education but not something you could something with in our Ares.Sure i love her.. but the pain About lying,sex, kissing and cheating is increddible.She confessed afrer 10 years when there was a possibility of SOA.I was lucky i tested negatieve….i have so much anger and frustration that She chose for her options and not give Me the choice to make my OWN choices
I found out she was cheating on me few tweaks ago, we are in a distance relationship we live in two different countries, I thought everything was fine and I was doing a great job as a husband I never miss a day without calling her, I woke her up when it’s time for her to go to work, I was trying my best to make her feel that I am around and that I love and distance doesn’t matter at all, so all of this started when she wanted to start working as a stripper because she didn’t have enough money to pay her bills, and I wasn’t comfortable at all but since I live in a poor country I couldn’t help her financially so I thought it would be smarter to let her do what she needed to do but that made me feel weird about everything and I wasn’t able to reach her anymore and everything became hard and after few months she started ignoring me for days and I knew then that something wasn’t right, so I kept pushing her to tell me what’s going on, and one night she started crying and told that she was seeing someone for the last month, and she was crying all night, and I was too. I was helpless I was devastated I felt betrayed but I loved her and I couldn’t believe what happened, she was begging me and telling that she will come see in a month and she will stay over for a whole month, and since we only spent a total of 21 days during our 1 year of marriage I thought that it was unfair to judge her and maybe she needs a chance, a real one, and that was it, I made some new rules(that she didn’t respect) well after 2 days I found out that she slept with him again, and the same thing she was crying and she told me that he didn’t sleep with her because she was on her period and that she is sorry and she needs a real chance and this morning after 2 weeks I found that she is still in contact with him and she is gonna be here in 8 days and all what she did is told me that she is so tired and she will talk to me when she wakes up and that’s it, I am so helpless I really love her but I am sure I will never forgive her, oh and before I forget she is sending me money to help me with my situation, and I think she is doing that because she feels guilty and she thinks money will make it up for me, I am so confused and irritated and I was thinking that we will have grandchildren together and die together but this what I got disappointement and suffering, my problem is that Idk if I should let her come see me or should I just let her go and I don’t know how to sleep with her anymore or kiss her or love her, she is gonna be here in 8 days what should I Do? Please help and excuse my English it’s not my native language
I think that this is a result of you not seeing one another – almost at all. I think she loves but can’t handle being alone for such long periods of time. I would see her only if to have a real, honest conversation about what can be done to make both of you feel better.
So today is the day that I found out my wife has been cheating on me. It started like any other day with me waking up to our kids and taking care of them. She was at the gym and we sent a couple of texts back and forth. Her last text was should I leave the gym lmao. 20 minutes later I get a phone call from her and I pick up and say hello several times with no response. Then I hear her voice and another man. Needless to say the next seven minutes of my life were complete agony and despair. I can’t get it out of my head and im not sure I ever will. We have been having problems of course but I always thought the marriage was strong even though we had some issues lately. When we finally talk about it she said that they were only ever physical the night before save for making out. How am I supposed to believe that? That literally the day after, I get a random pocket dial and everything comes out. I need help I don’t know what to do and can’t stop thinking about it. I know it’s new to me but there has to be something to do.
I have been married to my wife for 15 years and we have 2 children 14 and 17 years old. I found out through email and texts that my wife cheated on me with a guy she met online once and ended it, then another guy she met on the same site about 5 times over a 4 month period. In the texts they said they loved each other and wished they could be together. She would text humiliating things about me to him and they would talk about me quite often saying that she should leave me. She had googled how to have an affair a month or 2 before she actually did so it was well planned out.
Before any of this she had asked if I would go to marriage counselling with her but stupidly I turned her down. I decided to finally go to counselling with her a couple weeks before I found out about the affairs but she continued the affair even after I went with her.
Now she says the guy didn’t mean anything to her and that she just liked the attention. I bought the book from Kevin Jackson and it has helped me to understand things quite a bit, but I still don’t feel loved from her. I tell her this and she says she is doing everything she can think of to make me feel better and that I need to get over obsessing over it. I have been obsessed with it but I just can’t get the images out of my mind and the things she said about me. I do believe she would like to make it work but she just isn’t putting a whole lot of effort into it. She bought a book about trying to make me feel better, read 2 chapters and put it away, she just goes to sleep while I am laying awake at night in pieces and gets mad at me because she is going to miss her exercise class. I feel like she is walking all over me and halve told her that but she just says she doesn’t know what else to do, rolls over and goes to sleep. She has no trouble sleeping.
She continuously tells me that she wants to make it work but she just doesn’t make any real sort of effort. I make basically 90% of the money we bring in so I don’t know if that is the reason she truely wants to be with me or if it’s the kids or what but my gut tells me that she isn’t being completely honest with me.
I am still continuously thinking about it and going through phone records, email, Facebook, etc. and I hate that I still don’t feel like I can trust her but she had been having an affair with 2 guys on and off for almost a year so I can’t get over it. She is beautiful to me still and we had been going on holidays and having some good times while the whole thing was happening so I just can’t understand why she did it and she claims she doesn’t really know either other than she liked the attention.
Lastly the guy she was having the big affair with is also married and has been cheated on by his wife for over 5 years and had cheated on her 3 other times previous to my wife if that has any relavence.
Thanks.
So sad some of the stories here and I know exactly what some of the people are going through. I found out about my wife’s affair a year ago and to say it devastated me would even describe how it affected me. When she finally told me why she had done this I felt a sense of guilt as though it was all my fault, apparently I was boring, never took any real chances in life and was set in my ways. These characteristics were the things she said she admired in me when we first met and I made a change from all the other types of men she’d known before. Is this just a mid-life crisis for her? she is 56 and I am 61 by the way. I also feel emasculated that she is still seeing this other man, an irresponsible out of work man 20 years her junior, when she needs ‘time away from me’ and said she has no intentions of stopping this affair even though she doesn’t want to leave me and break our large extended family up. Why after all these years has she reverted back to her earlier self? I just don’t understand it, to all extent and purposes she is a fine outstanding woman, has a good job, grandmother to 5 grand kids and loves family life, I’m at a loss as to where it’s all going to end.
Mhmmm just forgive her
Hi Lisa –
I’ve been married since ’95 and dated since the fall of 1990. We met at college just before our sophomore year. She’s a teacher and had become good friends with the reading counselor at her school. It got to where they’d text every day – usually about politics (until she started hiding the texts).
On Dec 4th (month and a half ago) i got up early and was putting on shoes in my closet and heard an unusual phone notification. i found her phone in the robe i had just picked up off the floor and hung up.
it wasn’t iPhone’s texting application – it was something called “Sideline”. She had labeled the contact a woman’s name – her best friend from high school whom she barely communicated with any longer.
But it didn’t take long to discover the texts weren’t from her female high school friend.
My heart jumped into my throat – i couldn’t believe what i was reading.
It wasn’t sexual or x-rated, but they had professed their love for one another and couldn’t wait to meet for lunch again. I felt gutted.
We had an explosive confrontation where she downplayed it all and promised there was no physical contact. She was hurting, he filled that emotional void. But it’s still a betrayal and hurts like hell.
Her explanation for the cheater app on her phone makes me lose respect for her every time she says it. (something to do with HIS data plan – details don’t matter here i guess).
Another wrinkle is – about a month before i discovered her emotional affair, i found some boudoir pics on her iPad. She swears she took those for me and they weren’t for him – and were never sent to anyone.
I had confronted her in April of last year as well – asked if she was having an affair – due to all the other signs and all the texting. She emphatically denied it and acted like I was crazy for asking.
We’re moving forward – trying to make things work and make our relationship stronger than it was before. But can you ever really regain trust after someone has gutted you the way she did me?
Scott
Scott,
I know how you feel. I’ve been there. It’s hard to see it from where you’re standing right now, but this is a huge chance to make your marriage better than ever.
I don’t believe in coincidence. I think there’s a reason you found her out even though she was trying to hide it so well. I think that deep down she anted to get caught, because she felt guilty about it.
You may want to consider that although it’s not o.k, the only reason she lied to you was trying to avoid hurting you. That’s the reason anyone lies to a spouse anyway.
You probably have/had some major relationship problems (just like 100% of married couples after a few years), that has caused her to look for what she needed outside your relationship. Again, not o.k, but that’s just how it is. No use in denying it or accusing forever because every relationship involves 2 people, not just the one who “broke the law”.
This is a storm that when it passes (and all storms go away eventually), can help you re-focus on your relationship,see what was missing and how to make it better. If you manage to go about it without focusing on blame, who’s fault it is and without ego, you have a real chance for an open, honest and closer relationship than ever.
It really depends on how both of you decide to handle this.
No, you can’t trust anyone. And I don’t mean it in a negative way. I don’t trust anyone to want to stay with me for the rest of their life. I only know about today and maybe tomorrow.
If you want to fully trust someone, you’ll have to take responsibility on how you feel, and love the other unconditionally. And almost no one can do that.
I hope this helps, just my 2 cents.
Good luck to you both.
Thank you for the quick response. Mature points of view are helpful. It gets me out of the “i’m going to tell the other man’s spouse about this” mindset.
I talked myself out of that one earlier though as I’d only be hurting another human.
But the fact that she goes to work every morning and they still see each other daily – brings out every insecurity I possess. I initially thought if i blew up his home-life (by telling his wife), his wife would put pressure on him at home and it would ensure that thing ended for good.
At some point I need to let go of the jealousy and insecurities and put some trust back into this relationship. But i keep find myself checking phones records and going through emails – and I hate myself for doing it.
I hear time heals all wounds. We’ll see. I’m hopeful
I been with wife for 19 years, married for 15, I found out she was cheating in me in 2014,when she left her fb abbount open on our desktop pc. Thats when the messenger app started going off. I could see the conversation between them as it was happening. She was cheeting on me with some guy, she met in a club. As i confrunted her she, admited to her betrayal. I was devisted as expected, but we worked through it.
Fast forward 2 years, i was about to log into my email, when a random email auto populated. Now keep in mind that we do not have childre , so its only her and i that use that pc.
I went onto the page, and selected forgot password, so it would text messages a code to the owner’s cell phone. Well low and behold her cell recieved a text.
After teaserching, she created a secret email, and a new faceboom page undeer a fake name, blocked my fb page from seeing it. She start her afair up again.
Thats twice.
Not shure what to do.
I still love her, but i cant stand to touch her.
She wants to try again, but i dont think i could ever trust her again, let alone be with her romanticaly. When i ask her why.
I was stupid.
Tony,
I’m sorry about this, how awful.
Your instincts are right, the most important thing to do first is to have an honest conversation about this, and it can’t be done when she is not willing to admit it yet.
This is why knowing how to confront a cheater is critical. Since you have some sort of evidence, you can do it in a smart way. Here;s my post about how to confront a cheater (it’s addressed to women in general but it applies to you too…) and I hope it helps you start dealing with this crisis:
https://new.how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/
I just found out a week ago that my wife of 5 years is cheating on me. I had been suspecting something for a couple of months and my suspicions were confirmed when I saw text messages she had sent her sister. She went into detail about the sex. We have 5 kids together (21 who is mine, 13 who is hers and 3 together-4yrs, 2yra and 3 months). I love my wife but I feel angry,hurt, betrayed, depressed, ashamed and all sorts of other feelings i can’t my finger on. I haven’t confronted Her. I don’t know how. She says they’re just friends but the text messages between her and sister make it sound like she’s torn. I don’t know what do. I want to have an honest conversation without her turning it around on me for spying on her. I’m trying to handle this on my own but find myself at a loss. I truly love my wife and am trying to ignore but I want her to stop seeing this guy. What should I do?
Confront her, If she wants to fix it. She will tell the truth! My wife did. Btw, Its Hurts more once you know the truth.
I found out earlier this week that my wife has been cheating on me.
We have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old and an 18 month old.
I found out that she has been going on a swinging website and arranging illicit meetings with random people after work for sex. I found out because she stupidly did not clear her internet browsing history so I happened to see the website – I ended up finding her profile on it, which included a number of pictures of her f**king another man. To the day I die, those images will never not be burned into the back of my mind.
I have confronted her about it and she has admitted to meeting and sleeping with 2 men and 1 woman over the last couple of months.
I don’t understand why or how this has happened, The one thing I do believe is that this was just about the sex and not about any emotional attachment to another person, but I’m not sure that helps.
I cannot just chuck her out, for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I cannot imagine the impact on our children. I am terrified that if I cannot forgive her and make our marriage work, she would get the children in a divorce and I couldn’t live without my children, they are absolutely everything to me.
I also think that I want to move on, try to forgive her, try to pick up the piece of my life that are currently shattered around me and rebuild my life, I just don’t know if I can. I hurt all the time. Whenever I close my eyes I see the pictures of her with another man. Right now whenever I look at her I feel sick. I am trying to be as normal as possible around the children, for obvious reasons, but trying to be normal is horrible, it is like a constant reminder of what she has thrown away.
Today I momentarily forgot and called her “darling” I was so angry with myself that I punched a door. I am not normally an angry person.
I can’t sleep. I have maybe had 4 hours sleep all week. Whenever I try, my head is swimming. Every so often I manage to briefly lose myself in something and sort of forget – I had a ridiculously busy day at work, and found that it was 4pm and I had barely thought about her all day, I dread the evenings though because there is nothing to distract me.
How do I make it not hurt?
How do I ever trust her again?
How to I move on from this and not feel like she has completely sabotaged our life?
Someone, please, just tell me what to do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
What an awful way to find out, you must be in post-trauma after something like that.
Sadly, I think your wife has a deeper problem than what you think. She is living a lie. And, I don’t think there’s much point in trusting her again like you’d like, because I’m almost sure she will do it again – Just hide it better.
I understand that you don’t want to live apart from your children, but I think that the only wauy to figure out what’s going on with her and what’s causing her to do this it throug therapy.
Not even marriage couseling at this point. She should go to a therapist and work out her issues.
This will not be resolved on its own and the sooner you’ll realize this the less pain you’ll experience.
Again, I’m so sorry about this. Probably one of the worst cheating stories I’ve ever heard (and I’ve heard plenty).
Hang in there,
Lisa
Hello all this is my first time on any one of these sites I recently discovered my wife of 2 year been together 7 and we have 2 kids 6 and 3 has been cheating on me with her co worker and I found out through text and messages she had on her phone all there messages were in spanish so she couldnt think I coild understand it she is spanish and I am white we have been having problems we fought about money and and our kids and we had a few issues with texting her exes but anyways I confronted her the next morning and I was pissed yelling and she told me that all she did was kiss him but I knew there was more so I went to work broken feeling worthless humilated as if the world knew I was less of a man and after I came home I started texting and chatting with her and she revealed that she they had slept together just twice so she says and she just did it forthe attention I was complety crushed still am I feel like crap like the liquid at the bottom of a garbage can we may have fought about dumb thinga like regular people but I never stop loving her the worst part is all I ever did was tell her I love her everyday let her know she was my world called her beautiful tried to embrace and make her feel loved and you know she pretended pretty good at being trully in love with me I really felt before I found out we were fine I’m not a bad guy I work first shift in the mornings she works secondshift all I ever did was make sure she had a nice clean house I took care of the kids had dinner made and ready for her when she came home I would stay up losing my sleep I needed for work to spend time with her and she says she cares but her actions don’t show it she dosent cry she says she feels bad but a she was just trying to make herself feel better and I shoild be understanding and when I asked her to brake the connection with the guy I could tell she dosent want it she says she just needs her space for a couple of months and it’ll be better she be the one for me again I love her I love my kids I dnt want to be a weekend dad her cheating and the thought of not seeing my kids makes me wonder y this happens to people like what did I do wrong I loved her I tried and I’m srry for the horrible grammar but destroyed inside and those lil things don’t seem to matter how do I get back from this
Hi Lisa,
It’s been 5 months since I originally posted on this story and thought I should drop in to provide an update.
So my wife returned home from her holiday where she slept with another man (although they only slept together once, they kissed a few times over the course of 5 days or so, so I call it an affair) and after a month of lots and lots of talking and waiting for an appointment with a psychologist we decided to have a go at fixing our marriage. We attended a couples session and then individual sessions with a psychologist. At our third couples session the psychologist stopped us half way and asked to speak to us separately. It wasn’t good news. Essentially she could see that my wife was not making a true effort and questioned her intentions.
This ended up getting my wife thinking and then within the next week she admitted she no longer loved me and couldn’t see herself ever loving me. Obviously it cut like knives, but at least the truth was finally starting to come out.
Despite the fact that she told me she would keep trying, I got to the point (with the guidance of my psychologist) where I knew I needed to leave. I didn’t want to be married to a woman who didn’t love me… I deserve better. So I packed my things and headed off to my parents.
The situation was tricky because she has a son who I’ve been a full time father to for the last 5 years (he is now 8) but it’s certainly working out for the better. I know I’m going to be far better off long term for leaving.
The one thing I have learned from all of this is something I thought I knew before, but didn’t fully understand. It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to break it. I was committed to my wife and fully intended on staying that way for life, but the fact is she wasn’t the same… It’s highly likely that she married me more out of infatuation than a true and lasting commitment, and that was never going to work… That said, I can walk away with my head held high. When she got home, I was waiting at the front door with the biggest bunch of flowers I’ve every bought, I did everything in my power to make things work in the moths that followed and because of that, I am at peace.
Thanks again for your article, the first 12 hours after learning the most horrible news of my life were hopefully the worst I’ll ever endure, and your article was here to help… even if just a little bit.
Thank you so much for coming back and telling your story, I’m sure it can help lots of people who dropped by here..
I wish you the best and all the happiness you deserve:)
The rest of your life is just starting!:)
Lisa
Hey thank Lisa. Yea it just sucks the dude she cheated on me with is getting I trouble so that’s good he deserves it cause he knew we were marriedm and as of right now I’m trying to figure out what to do. If I should try to worn things out once I get hone or just tell her to kick rocks. I love her to death but the images and the thoughts I have everyday r horrible
So I’m in the military and found out my.wife had been cheating on me for a few months with another soldier who is married. And I found all this out 2 weeks before I got deployed. I’m currently deployed and I’m going nuts idk how to handle this stuff.
Alex,
I’m sorry. How horrible you must feel, day and night, especially when you’re far away and stuck without being able to do anything.
I don’t why I’m saying this, but I don’t think her affaurf with a married soldier is going to last very long.
I think you should try to hanf in there, be strong, think about why this has happened to you both (maybe she was afraid to handle life without you? Two weeks before being deployed doesn’t seem like a coincidenece)
And accept the fact that right now there isn’t much you can do about it, since you’re deployed, so there’s no point in trying to change something that can’t be changed.
Focus on you. On healing. On thinking about what you really want.
I hope this helps and I’m here if you want to let me know how you’re doing.
Lisa
I have been married for 2 years. 2 months after being married I was deployed to Afghanistan. I came home after a year and thought everything was just perfect and how lucky I was to have such a wonderful wife. A year after returning home I discover that she has been cheating on my for a year and a half. All of her texts and emails just show how intimate and emotionally connected they were. She brought him to my house while I was deployed, and even when I got back while I was at work. She wants me to forgive her and says that this guy means nothing to her. I love my wife and I want to believe her but how can I? They developed a long term intimate serious relationship. She talked to him 24/7. At least 50-80 texts per day. I feel so stupid for not catching on before because had noticed some of her texts and she would hide her phone “playfully” and swear to me that it was just one of her female friends. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. How am I supposed to react to a situation where her affair lasted longer than I have been home during the period of our marriage? And she says it meant nothing. How could I even expect her to truly end such an intimate relationship overnight? I don’t think that is humanly emotionally possible. Her last text to him was saying I would be away for work all weekend and he could come over. Also they didn’t use why protection and she was off her birth control so we could start a family. How can I believe that she intended on ending it like she claims and it meant nothing? They mentioned several times how great it were if they were together and too bad both of them were married, If only they had met sooner. How can I believe her?
I’m really sorry you are going through this.
I think you’re right, you have no reason to believe her and I think she is lying to you about his not meaning anything to her.
But, this still doesn’t mean that NOW she regrets it and wants to end it and be with you.
You have 2 choices: Either believe her current intentions and give her a chance to prove it to you, or you can leave her.
If you haven’t left, even after being devestated like this, I’m guessing you really love her.
It’s not a question of believing her right now, because I think she is lying. Byut remember, she is lying because she wants you to NOT leave her. Otherwise, she would have “used” this to leave you herself and go be with him.
She doesn’t want to do that, do you believe her about THAT?
I took my son on holiday who’s not my wifes child and came home to disvover shes been on chat rooms and a dating site.ive disvovered chat logs that may suggest he has been in our home.she said they went out a few times as she’s wuite depressed through lots of reasons with us but says she loves me but we wont get over this. She won’t see a councillor never.i keep finding more evidence they’ve seen each other alot but she says it was only a few times.i rang him and he says yes theyve had sex (shes desperate for a baby and weve been told we need ivf) and his f bk says its his gf in pics.she just brushes it off.she hasnt left yet and says cant see us working this out.im sure shes still talking to him as he wont change thr pictures. Im signed off work now and on snti depressants.i love her so much but shes so depressed, hates her job and says no reason to stay. She says wont go to him as nothing.i think originally she wanted attention as we were just ticking along. If she left she’d have no job so that worries her but is that the reason I dunno.i cant get her to councillors and she attacks me verbally if I discover new stuff, but if theyve had sex I can’t cope with that as she says that’s onr thing she wouldn’t do to me but she’s lied so much.its not like her.shes changed so much and her so called mate covered for her.i just feel like my worlds ended as I need it sorted ASAP. M
Michael,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
It seems like she doesn’t really want to work it out, and like you’ve said the only reason she hasn’t left is financial.
I’m sure your marital crisis has to do with her overall dissatifaction in life and depression. It has to be resolved before you can heal your marriage.
I think that in your case a temporary separation may actually be a good idea. It will force her (and you) to deal with her life and maybe realize what she could be losing for good.
See this post about the benefits of separation in marriage, I hope it helps:
https://new.how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
Thanks for the article Lisa.
I just found out that my wife got f%#^ed up on drinks and drugs while on a holiday and slept with another guy. She is still on the holiday….
I’m trying to tell myself it wasn’t as big a deal because she was so messed up and wouldn’t normally act like that but am I kidding myself? Does it even make a difference?
I’m so sorry you have to deal this, how horrible you must feel right now.
The most surprising part of your story is that she is still on this holiday…really?
She has confessed about this but hasn’t come home yet?
I don’t think you should convince yourself it’s not a big deal because deep inside it is a very big deal for you and there’s no point in trying to lie to yourself.
However, it is a bit “comforting” that it happened while on holiday, and “assisted” by alcohol and drugs.
At least she hasn’t planned this, it’s not like she feel for some other guy and honestly, how common does this happen with married guys on their yearly trip to Vegas, right?
When she comes home, you’ll have to deal with it, I would first check to see how much remorse she’ll show you, it can say everything.
If you’d like, come back and tell me what has happened and I’ll try to help.
Hang in there.
If this is a one-time thing, I wouldn’t be so quick to toss things. I’d sit down with her (when she’s sober!) and talk it through. Maybe you can find a way through it.
I can’t just get over it and it has been 3 MTS I’m hurting so bad.
Jimmy,
It’s completely normal! Why would you expect youself to just get over it in a few months, or ever?
If you want to get over it and more than that – Prevent it from happening again, you’ll have to take some steps, like the ones suggested in the article, and get outside help.
You can’t do this on your own. It’s extremely painful and for a man it’s even harder to get through a spouse cheating.
Give yourself a break, it will take how long it takes, but try to do something about it, to help you get through the pain easier.
Hang in there, everything will be alright.
We just got married last month, we were together 8 years. She met someone at work recently and ended up sleeping with in a moment she described being vulnerable. She said she hated it and it felt gross. It’s the only other person she’s been with. She says she wants to stay together and work it out but I feel stuck. I’ve built an entire life with her and we have a son together. Not sure where to go from here.
You loved her she don’t love u your a punk if you stay with her cause if you do she’ll think your weak and will cheat again and again. Don’t be weak girls hate weak men. No hard feeling