The “Beginner” Guide to Surviving an Affair (If You’ve Just Found Out)

surviving an affair



Pretty strong words to use when nobody’s life is at risk, right?

Only those who are actually trying to deal with, overcome, handle and get over a spouse’s affair can understand why “emergency” and “survival” are exactly how a cheated spouse feels every single day after D-day.

Surviving an affair is said to be the hardest thing to overcome after a death of a loved one, and for good reasons.

The shock, the anger, the humiliation, the broken heart – This trust-crushing experience is sometimes too much for any marriage to handle, and most of us can not completely heal from him, let alone staying married.

Why You Need an Emergency Intervention

One of the most horrible aspects of trying to get through marriage infidelity is the obsessive, nonstop thoughts, images and questions surrounding his affair.

Why? How? Who knew before me? What is she like? Is she better than me? Prettier than me? What did he tell her about us?

The agonizing questions and thoughts, accompanied by the awful images of him with her, has turned you into a non-functioning mess.

You’re not able anymore to have a normal day. You’re completely stuck.

This is why you need “emergency” steps. You can’t go on like this anymore, right?

Surviving an Affair: 3 Emergency Steps to Take Right Now

#1: Let the Cheater have It

Communication is everything. Right now, though, you are not capable of patiently and calmly tell your partner how this makes you feel. That’s normal. Your world was just shattered completely.

So…let him have it. Get your emotions and feelings out there, in an open and honest way. You can shout and scream, but just avoid talking about divorce and calling him names you might regret later. And of course – violence is never an option.

Not doing this and burying your feelings inside will make you resent your partner even more later, causing more damage to your marriage. Not to mention literally burning a hole in your stomach.

Let it out.

#2: Don’t Stop the Tears

Crying is the only way your body physically deals with extreme emotions and feelings. There is nothing wrong with crying, nothing that should be hidden from others and nothing to be ashamed about.

Don’t fight the tears – Let them come and clean you from the inside out.

We are designed in a way that if we really want to deal with difficult emotions, we have to confront and get in touch with them. Stuffing the tears back is no good and will cause more emotional problems later.

#3: Don’t Interrupt

Surviving an affair in the long run means you have to let your emotions come and go naturally.

At first it feels like the pain is too much to bear. With time the pain subsides. This might feel weird to you, because giving up the painful and angry emotions makes you feel like you’ve given up, or that you are not taking this trauma seriously.

This is not true. Let your feelings come and go without interference. When you feel pain-free, let yourself feel free. Don’t fight it. Flow with it and enjoy it. Don’t force them back; you don’t have to wallow in your pain.

What Next?

Of course, there’s a lot more to surviving infidelity than these emergency tips. In fact, these initial steps only begin the first step of the healing process – Both for you and for your marriage.

How to deal with the pain?

How to regain the trust (and how to know if you should)?

How to know if your marriage is worth saving?

What are the most important questions to ask a cheating husband?

These are only some of the questions I’ve answered here on my blog – And you’ll find all of them right here.

It’s time to clear the confusion. It’s time to heal. It’s time to decide if to save and what to save. It’s time to get unstuck.

And I sure hope I can help you with all of these challenges. After all, I’ve been there too.

Rooting for ya,



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