He Cheated: How to Deal With The Affair Images

He’s kissing her passionately. He’s slowly undressing her. He makes love to her. They cuddle and giggle afterwards. He tells her his secrets. He tells her he loves her. They share their own little world.

These are only some of the obsessive, awful images that stab you in the heart over and over again since you found out he had an affair.

He Cheated: How to Deal With The Affair Images

And these thoughts never leave you alone. They have taken over you completely. They are with you when you wake up and before you fall asleep and they can make you feel sick to your stomach in the middle of folding the laundry.

Saving a marriage after an affair is impossible without getting rid of the affair images and negative thoughts.

These images keep coming back like a horror movie in your head, causing loss of sleep, decreased appetite and even difficulty to focus and perform simple daily tasks.

If you’ve decided to give your marriage one more chance, here’s how to get rid of the post-affair images and negative thoughts:

3 Steps to Getting Rid of the Horrible Images in Your Head

Step #1 – Special Time

Set the images on a clock. Decide. Set a time during the day when you have a few minutes to sit down and allow these images to flood your head uninterruptedly.

No matter how weird this seems to you, this is how you start to take control of your mind again.

When an image comes to you at any other time, quickly remind yourself that this is not the time for it yet, “they” would have to wait for the scheduled time.

This is the first step – you start to control what comes to your mind – and when. It will give you unbelievable strength.

Step #2 – Open Invitation

At the special time you set for them – let the images in. Remember, you are only temporarily allowing them in and it will only be a few minutes of suffering – instead of all day long.

It’s like jumping into a cold pool, compared to getting into it slowly, step by step, prolonging the suffering.

Step # 3 – Play Time

To prove to yourself that these images have nothing to do with reality – you can “play” with them. While you are in that “special time” – try and rewind them.

Treat them like a movie you are watching on your DVD and just rewind it all the way. This will remind you only your imagination is creating these images. NOT reality.

Try this technique for a few days and you may be surprised by how effective it can be.

[yellowbox]If you’ve been hurt by a spouse who has cheated on you, you may want to use the marriage advice and guidance that has helped me survive an affair in my marriage.[/yellowbox]

How do you deal with obsessive images and negative thoughts?

Rooting for ya,



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32 thoughts on “He Cheated: How to Deal With The Affair Images”

  1. After 16 yrs of marriage, my husband told me he was having an affair. I didnt know anything was wrong with us, we both work and we have 5 children. We were just busy living or in the routine of life. He said in the bbeginning it was all lies that he told this other woman, but she knew he was married, he just told her our relationship had died a long time ago, that hurt the most, how could he tell a complete stranger and not even tell me-so we could work on us. He was telling me now because he felt he was in love with her, although he still loved me. I broke down, asked him for a divorce, so that he could go ahead and be happy with his whore, and that he didnt deserve me or the children, this was not a tactic to keep him, I just felt he threw us away, he was selfish, why should he have everything, but he said he didnt want to lose me or our children, in telling me he said he was trying to let me know what he was struggling with, to seek my help in his confusion. He ended things with the other woman, but she wouldn’t accept it, and couldn’t let go, started stalking me and calling me all hours of the day and night. She wanted me to leave him, so they could be together, sent me pictures of the two of them together but took time to cover her face. I thought I could stay with him and work it out, he’s been transparent and now has me dropping him off to and from work, gives me his schedule and asks me to pick him up when he is on breaks. He’s even suggested to me if we could move to a different state so we could start over, start fresh. The problem is dealing with the images and everytime I get angry I throw the affair back at him. He says he is trying but when I throw the affair back at him, he feels like nothing. I feel like that’s a small price to pay for the betrayal and torture that I felt, that I am still feeling. Reading this article has me rethinking what I have been doing, I want us to work but I feel afraid of being okay. My life totally was ripped away and I feel like everything was a lie, and the only real thing I’ve come to know or feel comfort is the Pain….I’m stuck on the pain and devastation and I often think of maybe just giving him up, so he can go back to her, because if he really loved me, none of this would have happened.

  2. Hi found out about my husband’s affair 3 months ago and it has not been easy for us.The worst part is that the woman he had an affair with is pregnant for him.I love my husband and I pray that he may forget this woman,We have 3 beautiful children together and we are 9 years in marriage.My concern is how do we handle the issue knowing that there’s a pregnancy involved,It’s so devastating.I am lost,he says they have stopped talking but I don’t trust him.Need your help to save my marriage.

  3. Found out my wife cheated on me last month. The details dripped over time and it went from emotional affair with her coworker, to one night of sex, to now me knowing the sex was ongoing throughout the fall – Sept, Oct, Nov… hopefully not Dec. =(
    I can’t escape the imagery. I found out a lot of the details of the affair by accessing her deleted text messages through an iphone backup on my PC. You know when friends and therapists say don’t know the details because they will haunt you? It’s true. I know she had sex with him on per period. Something – after 18 years of marriage – I’ve never done. She would drive to his house in the early morning to have morning sex before driving him to work with her. She had “girls nights” out and twice didn’t come home because she had too much to drink. I’m trying to work through it because I know I can be a better husband and a better man. We were in a routine. But just as hard as I try to show her my love, to show her affection, to change the routines that lead us to where we are… I cannot escape the mental movies that play over and over in my mind. I feel my wife is no longer mine. Her body is no longer exclusive and private to me. I fear I will never be able to get rid of these images. Women cheat too, not just guys. It hurts just as much. I’ve lost my identity, my self esteem, my confidence… I feel like I’ve been castrated.

  4. My husband had an affair over two years ago, after an 11 year marriage. I found out recently it never ended. He has never admitted to the affair in full he still denies it. Even thought they had very sexual texts back and forth and worked together alone for a long time. I have tried to let it go but I wake up everyday in pain, wondering about her and why do he still talk to her. He told this woman he loves her, he hasn’t literally said it in over 5 years at least not to me. It really hurts and now I find he is still talking to her after all the problems we have had. We have 3 kids together, I was pregnant with my last child. I didn’t want to be responsible for taking my kids from there dad but I feel like I’m go crazy or just plan stupid. How can I possibly work through this with him when he says he hates me it’s my fault and denies it. I have tried but I’m always haunted, I just don’t trust him. I feel like I’m allowing it by continuing to try and work it out, when he won’t admit it or let her go. In my eyes if he really loved me and wanted this to work he would be truthful, and would have ended it a long time ago.Anyone have any advice because I have nothing totally lost.

  5. My husband of 14 yrs ran into my sister one night while out drinking. They ended up back at her place and did some heavy making out. They both promise nothing else happened. My sister is a prostitue, drug and Sex addict by the way. This happened about 3 yrs ago but I’m just finding out about it. I’m heartbroken. Some days I don’t think I’m going to make it through. I want to forgive him… I love him. I’ve never been hurt like this before. My sister is still up to no good but she’s no longer a part of our lives. I will never forgive her for taking advantage of my husband like she does so many other men! Why my husband? I’m her sister! You just don’t do things like that. At the same time I get mad at him for the same reason… She’s my sister why would he do that to me? I’m really trying to get over this and forgive him but the images in my head are killing me. I’m an average size girl. 120lbs. 5’4″ brown hair green eyes. I have a full time job, I take care of our children, I take care of myself. She is on drugs, 85lbs with huge fake boobs, never had a job besides prostitution, lost custody of her children. Why would he risk losing his family for someone like that? How can I get the images of them making out on her kitchen counter topless with him sucking on her boobs out of my head? Please help? I don’t want to see that every time I have sex with my own husband! I hate the fact that she has ruined me but she has moved on and couldn’t care less! My husband is genuinely sorry for what happened but I’m still the only one living in this pain. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks!

    • I know your sister has done a terrible thing. Probably the worst thing a sister can do. But when I read your words I felt sorry for her. She is obviously suffering greatly, and what I saw in my mind was a desperate and lonely woman who tried to have your wonderful life for a few minutes.
      I know you can’t feel it too, but maybe thinking like this will help you forgive her, because by deciding to not forgive, you are only hurting yourself.
      I can promise you that she hasn’t just moved and not couldn’t care less. That’s not possible.
      As for your husband, he probably regrets it deeply and I would believe him when he does.
      They both made a mistake. A horrible one, but I know they both regret it.
      But this doesn’t help you move on obviously. And it’s hard to control our mind and deal with the images you’ve described.
      Please try the techniques I’m offering here and let me know how they worked for you after about a week.
      Hang in there. Everything happens for a reason.
      This storm may lead to a better-than-ever relationship with both your husband and your sister, if you take this chance to look deep down into yourself, think, and understand why this happened to the three of you.
      Maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?
      You’ll only see it, though, it you manage to purpose your anger and dissapointement to a life lesson. That’s the only way I know anyway.
      I wish you the best,

      • Beautiful explanation Lisa
        Positivity is the best attitude
        Yes we all make mistakes but the feeling of betrayal coming from our partner for life is v insulting
        Not easy to forget but think like this thank god I was not the cheater in the relationship. That’s all you can do
        Let karma decide ….don’t give up ur true self and keep doing your things

  6. Dear Lisa

    Thank you so much for your prompt and measured, helpful reply.

    Just one special request could my surname be removed from the comment please to read ‘Cathleen’ only…that was my mistake I presumed you’d need full name for contact purposes but would prefer if it wasn’t on site.

    Many thanks again.
    I will try to see him as you suggest.

    Best regards,

  7. Dear Lisa,

    I have been in hell, totally absorbed in my own thoughts since Valentine’s Day when I received through my work email an attachment showing my husband on a singles site (under an alias) looking to meet women aged 35-52 to enjoy the ‘finer things in life’. Your account of what happened you resonated with me – he lied and lied even more over the days after I confronted him. (It transpires he was one year on this site.)

    We have two wonderful sons and we’ve shared a marriage of 21 years. I feel rather as you described…I long to have things back as they were… (but beginning to realise they can’t be)….your article on acceptance was particularly helpful to me. I am distraught, eaten up with searing pain and total disbelief at his betrayal.

    I’ve of course done everything wrong since this all imploded. I’ve ranted, raved, screamed, told some close friends, said the most horrendous things, both families know what’s happened, threatened to leave etc…We’ve been to counselling twice which were disastrous sessions as he was defensive and trotted out several lies about our relationship and I was too angry to be constructive. Counsellor recommends separate sessions with psychotherapist for both of us for a time before we’ll be ready for couples counselling.

    I admire how you’ve moved on and forgiven your husband. I am finding the path of forgiveness impossible at the moment, which flies in the face of my religious faith.

    He has apologised in a variety of ways but I can’t help but feel he is not really remorseful…. (He certainly has not begged my forgiveness)….It feels as if he feels deep down it was okay for him to break our marriage vow as there were issues there that we hadn’t tackled and he has past grievances with me. I feel that there is never any valid excuse to step outside your marriage.

    One minute I want to work on the marriage, the next I want to run away as far as I can get. You so perfectly describe the hurt and pain betrayal causes…you talked about feeling that everything that had gone before felt like a lie…that’s exactly as I feel…I thought that despite some crappy periods in our marriage that he ‘had my back’. Everything we shared and stood for together was a sham. None of it was real. He is not the man I believed him to be.
    How will I ever trust him again? And the question which I agonise over more: how could I ever respect him again – the man I used to admire? Not to mention how I recoil in my head to imagine him touching me again.

    Thank you for an amazingly honest and well thought out blog.



    • Wow, to get that email on Valentine’s day of all days. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
      As you said, I do know how you feel.
      Don’t rush to any decisions. Let time be your friend, clear your head, chase the repetitive negative thoughts away.
      You are right of course, there is no excuse to stepping out of a marriage.
      But still, we are human. And most annoyingly, humans who have different beliefs about different things.
      If respecting him again is what bothers you most, try to focus on his “core”. He is not who he acts like, if that makes any sense.
      You can try and think about the way you think he CAN be. That’s the real him. His potential, pure light. That’s who he is.
      If you focus on that, he can become that. You know, the things we focus on, get bigger. It’s just science.
      But respect comes after regaining the trust. And that can only be achieved through real, honest, no bs conversations, without any anger or acuusation.
      That’s hard, and it takes time to be able to do that.
      When he (and you) will not be scared anymore, the truth will come out. And it will change everything.
      I hope this helps and I hope you stay strong and love yourself through this process.
      It will all better. That’s why it happened basically, to make things better. I really believe that.

    • I have been going through the same thing. I found out my husband had been cheating on me before Christmas and by chance, I picked up his phone, and in the blocked section of his phone was a message saying I have found someone so I won’t be messaging you anymore with lots of kisses. I got the number and messaged it asking who it was etc and to my surprise, I got a message back. She at first denied she knew my husband and then she admitted she did she told me everything and said she had met him three years before they had met in a hotel and had sex they met up twice since then they had text and called each other. The messages he sent her a stick in my head the vile things he said to her about me being fat ugly useless are in my head. She messaged him to say she was pregnant he messaged to say he loved her and wanted her and she was his dark-haired beauty and she even called him by the pet name I had given him. This man I had believed to my world my everything and I couldn’t believe it was him at all. Since then I have been so angry I am trying to be this wholesome good wife cooking and baking like bloody snow white and it is killing me. I feel I can’t relax anymore and be myself. I found this woman on Facebook and now I have her image to go with all the other images in my head. Just functioning day by day is killing me and I try not to snap at him and say horrible things to him but I can’t help it. I don’t believe anything he says to me anymore and although he is doing lots to try and make up like taking me out for meals and going and doing the shopping and making me drinks etc it just cannot repair the damage it has done to me. I want to run away and bury my head in the sand and ut all go away. Our marriage has been a sham and I think it is beyond repair. He says he doesn’t want a divorce he wants to be with me. But I am so broken and so hurt I cannot see a way through it all. Why did it have to happen to us I thought we were soulmates that we had a connection a bind but it appears that it just wasn’t the case. I don’t want to hurt our girls by separating but I don’t think I can be with him anymore.

  8. Lisa, thank you for your article. It’s been pretty helpful in my very painful journey
    it’s has been 5 months since I officially found out my partner was having an affair. I sensed it and tried catching it in the act but I never did. We arn’t married but have been together for over 6 years. We’ve always lived alone together but this past year I decided to help my cousin in need and took her in until she got on her feet. She’s two years younger, no job no school. Like I said, I sensed it but couldn’t bare to accuse either of them of such thing…. One night I wake up and find my cousin drunk naked and having a tantrum. My boyfriend then confessed that they had been sleeping together for the past few weeks and had turned her away. Which explained her drunken behavior. Since then we have booth decided to make this work and commit to fixing our problem. My hardest obstacle has been “these images” and being alone. These images have been the worst because it’s my cousin. Of all the women in the world that he could’ve cheated with, he chose my cousin. The cousin that my lil sister played with and I watched as kids. These images are by far worse then I could have ever imaged hearing from other people and their affairs. It’s done and now they have no contact and we have agreed on a post affair contract but I can’t stop thinking of the fact that it was my cousin, in my home, whom I took in, and to top it all off he told me that he told her that he loved her. He says he didn’t know what he was thinking and doesn’t love her nor wants to be with her and that he’s totally committed to doing what it takes to stay together. It was starting to get better but now with the holidays coming I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t even bare to see her how that hell I will manage to get through the holidays let alone this relationship.

  9. Vee,

    I’m so sorry..that’s a not a great way to start a pregnancy…

    I don’t really get why you got back with him if you already broke up, but you don’t seem to be at peace with this decision.

    I think that the first thing I would focus on is making sure that this doesn’t happen again.

    I would make him sign the post affair agreement, as layed out in this post:


    Second, I would definitely try to do my best to go to counseling, even just for yourself if he doesn’t want to, to get out of this vicious circle of hate and sorrow you’re in right now.

    You have a baby in you, and you probably know you can’t stay stuck feeling like this without doing anything about it, because he or she can feel everything you’re going through.

    Here’s my post about how to deal with the painful emotions, and I hope you get some help soon:


    I wish you all the best,


  10. My fiance of 4 years cheated on me with a 17 year old (he’s 31 I am 28) over a period of 6 months. I spent every minute of every day obsessing over it… stalking facebook and having very graphic images. We decided to get back together and I have just found out I am pregnant. I can’t seem to get over it though. Every single day I am crying and driving myself crazy comparing myself to her and hating him. I want to kill her too. I feel as if I am losing my mind and I don’t know what to do.

  11. I’m going through the same thing as a few of these women my husband cheated on me a little over a year ago I was pregnant with our 3rd child there were no signs I thought we had a great relationship it was perfect to me but I guess I was wrong he is remorsfully sorry and has been so good to me and swears he won’t ever do it again I’m having a very hard time getting over what he did I just can’t forget it I love him but I don’t know how to trust him again and forgive him the hardest thing is I know the girl we went to school together it was a girl he dated for 2 weeks back in high school she came to visit he bumped into her she basically said are you going to f*** me they exchanged numbers that night he left and met her at a hotel and came right back home it was sooo out of the blue there was nothing before that at all I’m so confused and list and he has no answers I need answers and he has none feeling lost

  12. I’m going through the same thing my husband cheated over a year ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it. He cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first child. I love him and I want us to work but I’m not sure if I will ever trust him again. I feel like our relationship will never be the same. I thought that our relationship was perfect. I guess that I was wrong. I see that he’s trying to be a better husband but I think that it’s to late.

  13. My husband has cheated on me for 11 yrs with a co worker. He denied it all this time. The same woman called my job every single day and sent me crazy. Everytime I went to my husband he said I was crazy. I could tell there were times when something was goin on from when nothing was happening long story short he finally told me about it admitted everything. Said he cut it off but they work the same place. I confronted her and she said I need to deal with my husband who is coming to her. I agreed. My husbandwhusbandwants to make the marriage work so do I. How do I get pass the torture phone calls and the amount of time it has been going on. What kills me the most is I took care of this man on his death bed and he went to her and showed her the scare and still had sex with her.

  14. I’ve tried all these tricks, it’s been just over a year and can not get the images out if my head. My husband has done all the hard work since the day I found out – immediately ended it, is completely remorseful and committed to me and our children, 150%. I just can’t stop thinking about it – I discovered the affair a month after my 40th birthday — the woman he was with for 9-10 months was 26-27, beautiful, teeny tiny, and in every way my opposite. There have been times I wished he would have stayed with her just to relieve the pressure I now put on myself to constantly exercise, be overly conscious of every bit of food that passes my lips, obsess over my wrinkles, etc. We are and have been in counseling the whole time. Our counselor has suggested I see someone on my own about eating/body image issues. I feel I can forgive him for what he did, he has completely changed and re-evaluated his life and priorities, I’m so proud of him. But this is eating away at me. She was so young and gorgeous.

    • My husband was driven to attraction to a hot woman we both knew because of my insecurities, even though he had not cheated on me before. I have always been insecure about my looks. It seems our only connection is sex. How can our marriage last without a social, emotional, spiritual connection? What about when I get older, uglier, fatter? I constantly worry if I’m pretty enough.

  15. @Lisa, I think I have read all of your articles and they have helped me so much! I feel a little less crazy everyday, and feel like I am starting to take some power back., thank u! I just recently found out AGAIN, and its the same woman he ruins to when we get rocky! Oddly what the future holds but this time immediate trying to work thru it not ignore it.
    @truly honey I’m walking in your shoes, I understand the love. It probably wasn’t healthy, but I confronted the other woman. She sent me a lengthy email, explaining the affair and how I should feel sorry for her, HA! so I told her she was a disgrace to women, and to herself. I also told her to seek therapy, because if sheds OK with being a dirty little secret and second fiddle to me, she needed help! Again, probably not healthy but I felt better. Thank u again Lisa!

    • Tiffany I’m so glad I got to help you out and make you feel a little better in this tough time you are going through. Hang in there and keep me updated…:)

  16. ive seem to get over the images for the most part which is a relief but cant seem to get the following thoughts outta my head! if anyone can help i appreciate it. . how can she keep his attention and i cant im good to him! is she prettier better in bed i mean i feel like i have to prove to him everyday im better then he in everywhere i feel like shes the shining star because she keeps his attention and im just the old wife trying to show him im here for him im devoted loyal and im the one thats gunna stand by him not these girls!

  17. it really helped me to see this article was here i thought i was the only one who went thru these obsessive thoughts its hard to not let them consume u and your day! i still have a hard time with it and have to tell myself to stop! im still with my cheating husband and cant bring myself to say enough is enough dunno when and if thatll ever happen. .. hes my first love but if he loved me he wouldnt keep the affairs going? just dont know why im not enough how r these women better then me ?

    • No these women are not better than you. If you husband is aa serial cheater and is not even willing to stop cheating on you, I can’t see how you can stay in this situation for long. You have to demand that he stops and get outside help immediately.

  18. I have to say, youve got 1 with the best blogs Ive seen in a lengthy time. What I wouldnt give to be capable of produce a weblog thats as fascinating as this. I guess Ill just have to keep reading yours and hope that one day I can write on a topic with as considerably expertise as youve got on this 1!

  19. Well, my husband was cheating on me an it really produces an incredible amount of pain. I still can’t get rid of these “images” and I’m not sure should I stay with him. The problem is I still love him. He doesn’t deserve my love but unfortunately I still do.

  20. To anyone reading who HAS not betrayed their wife . . . spare her the images that will haunt her. Don’t do it!!! Any woman who will partner with you to destroy your family, wife and kids is an enemy of you as well. Parents teach their little ones not to murder or steal, why the heck can’t they positively brainwash them against betraying their future loves?


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