70+ FUNNY Wedding Anniversary Quotes & Wishes

Funny wedding anniversary quotes can be a delightfully humorous way to acknowledge and celebrate your anniversary.

After all, marriage is hard, funny, and sometimes unthinkable (i.e. you probably know way too much about his bodily functions)

Use these funny and relatable quotes and anniversary wishes as text messages, Facebook status or any way you’d like – to have a good laugh together on this special day.

Below you’ll find clever and funny quotes, words, and wishes you can text, message or post on social media to celebrate your wedding anniversary and your marriage.

71 Funny Anniversary Quotes and Wishes

Let’s start with some general observations about marital “bliss”:

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

– Woody Allen

A marriage anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance, and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.

– Anonymous

For Marriage to Be a Success, Every Woman and Every Man Should Have Her and His Own Bathroom. The End.

– Catherine Zeta-Jones

If two people love each other, nothing is impossible. Except deciding where to eat.

– Anonymous

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

– Katharine Hepburn

Still Looking for an Anniversary Gift?

Check out my 16 favorite 50th wedding anniversary gifts (romantic and unique)

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married. If you first don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

Marriage is just texting each other – “do we need anything from the grocery store?” – until one of you dies.

– Anonymous

Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.

– Anonymous

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

– Rita Rudner

Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

– Erma Bombeck

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

– Agatha Christie

Husbands are the best people to share a secret with because they never listen anyway.

Behind every great man – there’s a woman rolling her eyes.

– Jim Carrey

Unless you want to forget about your marriage, it’s a good idea to remember your anniversary.

– Melanie White

Drug stores understand life. That’s why the anniversary cards and sympathy cards are right next to each other.

– Anonymous

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

– Henry Youngman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

– Phyllis Diller

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong – admit it.
Whenever you’re right – shut up.

– Anonymous

Marriage: when dating goes too far.

– Anonymous

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.

–  Jean Kerr

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.

– Anonymous

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

– Elizabeth Evans

The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

– Anonymous

Marriage is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

– Anonymous

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.

– James Garner

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener

– Anonymous

If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Want to send him your love via text? see my list of 100+  love texts for him!

Hilarious Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Your Spouse

Here are some super funny anniversary wishes you can text your husband or post on your Facebook status:

1. “Happy Anniversary to the best first husband I’ll ever have.”

2. “A wedding band is the smallest handcuff ever made, I’m glad I chose my cellmate wisely.”

3. “You’re my favorite pain in the ass”

4. “And here I thought you were just a one-night stand. Happy anniversary!”- Pauline Thomason

5. “I shave my legs for you. It must be love.”

See my list of 18 cute (sometimes naughty) ways to flirt with your husband

6. “Well, we made it another year without one of us either ending up dead or in jail.”

7. “Happy anniversary! Just imagine if our marriage was functional as you make it appear on Facebook.”

8. “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”

9. “On our anniversary, I want you to know how much I’ve enjoyed annoying you all this time and how excited I am to keep doing it in the future.”

10. “I’m so privileged that you chose me to be that special woman in your life who will forever have the honor of picking up your socks and washing your underwear.”

11. “I vow to still grab your butt when you’re old and wrinkly.”

12. “I still love you. Even though you fart in your sleep.”

13. “Happy Anniversary! Now if I can just remember your birthday this year.”

14. “My dear husband, I want you. To do more around the house.”

15. “I hope you keep grabbing my butt every time you look for the remote.”

16. “I fall in love with you each and every day. Except for yesterday. Yesterday you were really annoying.”

17. “All I want for next year is you. Just kidding, give me diamonds.”

18. “I love waking up next to you in the morning. Just don’t breathe on me.”

19. You have me, so I don’t know what else you could wish for. But knock yourself out.”

20. “Never laugh at your wife’s choices you are one of them.”

21. “One year down, freaking forever to go. Happy anniversary.”

22. “Happy anniversary! We’ve been through a lot and most of it was your fault.”

23. “Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you, so we’re even.

24. “I love you. Thanks for killing all the spiders this year.”

25. “Thanks for being my unpaid therapist.”

26. “Being married to you is like having a best friend who never listens to what you say.”

See my list of 14 being ignored quotes (about being ignored in a relationship)

27. “I know you appreciate the fact that before we were married you didn’t know there was a wrong way to put the milk back to the fridge.”

28. “Happy anniversary my love. Eat all the leftovers again and I will end you.”

29. “I love you so much I’d take a bullet for you. Not on the head…but maybe like…the leg”

30. “I love you more than carbs but less than cheese!”

31. “Sorry, no refunds. Happy anniversary!”

32. Happy anniversary day from the best thing that ever happened to you.”

33. “I Love You So Much I’d Fight a Bear for You. Well, Not a Grizzly Bear Because They Have Claws, And Not a Panda Bear Because They Know Kung Fu… But A Care Bear, I’d Definitely Fight a Care Bear for You.”

10 Year Wedding Anniversary – Funny Wishes

And now, a few funny marriage quotes for those of us married for 10 years or more:

1. “Let’s do the one thing I really like to do in the bedroom. Vacuuming.”

2. “I really love you, etc. etc. etc. Can we eat now?”

3. “Overall, I love you more than I want to strangle you.”

4. “You’re still here? I like it.”

5. “After all this time, my love for you is still stronger than my desire to be single.”

6. “Holy shit. We’re still married!”

7. “There’s no one else I would rather snoring as hell beside me.”

8. “Let’s keep making memory after memory together; even though you’re losing yours.”

9. “Happy anniversary! I want to spend the rest of my money with you.”

10. “Congratulations on defying marriage statistics.

11. “Happy anniversary to my husband, who still looks at me the way he looks at other women.”

12. “Congratulations on choosing a spouse who makes you look sane.”

13. “Let’s never give up on trying to change each other.”

Funny Anniversary Gifts (for Him)

For the couples who appreciate marriage humor, here’s a great list of funny anniversary gifts – that will crack him up and bring laughter into your home on this special day:

1. Personalized Car Air Freshener

Can’t go on that road trip with him? no problem. He won’t forget about you or how you always smell so good with the Fresh Face personalized car air freshener set.

2. Sleepy Head Personalized Pillow Cover

This super-soft pillowcase takes cuddling to a whole different level, with your face repeated on it over and over, so he won’t say he can’t get enough if you – anymore.

3. Mr. Right Mrs. Always Right Aprons

Just because you love to cook together with him, doesn’t mean he can forget who is right. This 2-piece embroidered apron set is well made and with beautiful printing.

Like practical gifts?

See my 16 favorite practical wedding anniversary gifts.

Romantic Anniversary Gifts for Him

1. Personalized Anniversary Art Canvas

2. Family History Oversized Beer Mug

3. Personalized Leather Charging Station

Do you have a favorite quote you’d like to share? go on, don’t keep it to yourself – use the comment section below!

Rooting for ya,

Lisa