What’s the first thing you wanted to do when you found out your partner has cheated?
(After throwing a frying pan at him of course)
The first I desperately wanted to do is to tell someone. My best friend maybe, or my sister.
Anyone.
I felt I couldn’t bear the weight of pain on my own. I needed someone who I trust, to unburden my chest from the huge rock that landed on it.
I felt more lonely than I ever felt in my entire life. I needed a friend.
If you feel like I did, wait for a second and hear me out, o.k?
Revealing the details of your husband’s affair/affair to friends and family can be the biggest mistake you ever made if you want any chance at saving your marriage.
If you’re completely and totally sure that you want to end your marriage, and you are sure your kids won’t hear about the gory details from anyone, then this doesn’t apply to you.
But if deep inside you are not sure that your marriage is over, or you want to save your family for the sake of your kids, think twice. Hell, think 5 times before you do and tell someone close to you.
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3 Reasons to Stop Before You Tell Anyone About His Cheating
Having someone to support you when your husband cheats is indeed very important. What could be possibly wrong with sharing your hurt, anger, and disappointment with other people in your life?
I will tell you what’s wrong: It could make things worse.
That’s right, read it again if you want – it can make things worse.
And here’s why:
1. Bad advice
You are at a very vulnerable place right now. You may think that everyone is thinking more clearly than you and know better than you what to do right now.
In a real effort to help you, your confidant will attempt to give you advice about what to do right now.
For example, I can almost guarantee that he or she will immediately advise you to end your marriage because “Once a cheater always a cheater”.
It won’t take long for you to discover that just about everyone has an opinion, which is generally based on what they themselves would do — in a perfect world
Besides the fact that this “Once a cheater” cliché is total BS, the problem with this type of advice is that they don’t really know much about your marriage.
They don’t know about the process that led to this crisis, they don’t know how it feels and they don’t know how much you want to protect your family from destruction.
Don’t let their anger about your husband’s actions overshadow your emotions right now. They mean well, but they’ll probably do more harm than good.
2. Future Resentment
What if you CAN save your marriage? What if your husband and you can heal your marriage, make it better than ever and prevent this from ever happening again?
If your husband finds he will be hated whenever he sees your family and friends, your chances of saving your marriage will be reduced dramatically.
No matter what anyone says, in many cases, a marriage CAN survive an affair.
But if you reveal his cheating to your best friend, for example, she will probably hate him forever, right? Meanwhile, your marriage is restored, but your best friend may not want to come to your house ever again.
It’s important to think about irreversible outcomes when confiding in someone who is a part of your daily life.
3. Consider Your Children
If you want to save your marriage and if you care about your children, they must never find out about this. You will forgive him with time, whether you stay together or not because it’s the smart thing to do.
But your kids may never forgive him. Do you want that for your children? A father they will resent for life? If you confide with someone your kids know – he or she may blurb it out accidentally one day. Take that into consideration too.
Who Can You Talk to About Marriage Infidelity?
Sharing your marital problems, your hurt emotions, and uncontrolled anger with your friends and family could be a bad idea.
If you feel you must do it, at least ask them, before you start sharing, to just listen to you and help you find a positive way to deal with these negative emotions. Tell them that “as for advice on what to do, I am going to work it out on my own”.
Another option is to confide with other women that went through the same thing. There are plenty of amazingly supportive marriage forums online. It’s a safe place to vent and learn from other people’s experiences, anonymously.
But the most important thing to do right now is to focus on healing yourself (first) and your marriage.
Here are more than a few articles to help you get started, and I highly recommend signing up to get this free marriage help from marriage counselor Mort Fertel.
Hang in there. Believe it or not, things will be better.
What’s the first thing you did when you found out about your spouse’s infidelity?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
My husband says it meant nothing to him and he made No effort yet it lasted 5 years and they arranged to meet in various hotels in the world. Ive read emails between them which are more than ‘nothing’ she told him several times she loved him. He’s lied to me from the start of discovery but says it’s now completely over and is trying whatever he can to make the marriage work. I just feel that there was a lot more to it than he’s letting on. I’m scared to trust my gut instincts as they are telling me a lot more than he is.
How do you handle it if your kids got caught in the blow up so do know?
If they already know I would try to down play it as much as possible. Either not talk about it around them from now on, or if you have no choice – down playing it or making them realize it has nothing to do with them (which it really doesn’t).
what do u think of this question found my husbands wedding ring rolled up in a shirt sleeve that he never wears he said he did not do it he misplaced some where
Carol,
I don’t really know, but it seems to me that he may be lying. I think it’s what you think too. What do your instincts tell you? You should listen to your inner voice. It’s always right.
How did you forget about your husbands affair? I just found out my husband had a one night stand..I can forgive him- but I am having such a hard time forgetting..I’m so shocked it happened..we both want our marriage to work, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I didn’t forget. You can’t really erase it, but with time (and some techniques) you can really stop thinking about it.
Here’s how to deal with the obsessive images and negative thoughts:
https://new.how-to-save-marriage.org/saving-a-marriage/
First of all I think you are very lucky to get such wise and understanding advice…do good for you. I think that in this case there are less chances that it will ruin your chances of recovering from this.
If they were wise enough to give you this advice and support, they will be wise enough to know how to handle future situations when they see the both of you together.
I wish you all the best.
Lisa
Here’s a question – what if you’ve ALREADY told your closest friend(s)/family, because like you said, you freaked out and needed someone to talk to? What if the advice given, was communicate and work things out and we will support you no matter what? Is there a way the marriage can still survive? If my/his/whoever’s friends and family know?