“I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever he is interested. Why can’t he stop watching those porn bimbos?”
It just feels like you are not good enough, doesn’t it?
Your husband or boyfriend likes to look at other naked women to “pleasure himself” and it makes you sick to your stomach. Are you not attractive enough? Don’t you do enough in bed?
Why do men watch porn?
You think that your man looks at these pictures and thinks: ‘Look at her. She’s just beautiful. Why can’t you be like that?
And when you confront him about it, he lies straight to your face. He promises he will never do it again but soon enough you find new evidence on his computer or phone.
Why do men watch porn and lie about it? Is it cheating?
Page Contents
Do All Men Like to “Watch Those Skanky Women”?
No, your partner is definitely not the only man watching porn, otherwise, it wouldn’t be a multi-billion industry.
The statistics are truly staggering. The pornography industry has larger revenues than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, and Netflix combined.
According to compiled numbers from respected news and research organizations, every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography. Every second 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography.
In that same second, 372 internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines. Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is being created in the U.S.
Personally, I’ve never met a man who completely abstains from porn. And if you think you know such a man, he is probably lying to you.
The Truth About Why Men Watch Porn
Men are visual creatures, they get turned on by visual triggers much more than women and it has NO emotional effect on them whatsoever.
These are the REAL reasons men watch porn:
1. For men, an orgasm is a great stress reliever (not to say that it isn’t also the case for women.)” No one knows why; it just is. So if he wants to quickly relieve stress, he will use porn to do that when you are not around.
He will do it even if you ARE around because he just wants to relieve some stress and not “make love” right now.
You know how you like to call your best friend when you want to vent? This is how HE vents.
2. Men feel guilty about having sex just for sex’s sake with their wives or significant others. They feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to the woman they love).
So instead, they use pornography and masturbation.
3. Men like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from. This is true whether you like it or not. Would you rather he satisfies this need for variety through actual cheating?
Is Porn Cheating?
In my opinion, watching porn and masturbating to strange women’s images is not necessarily cheating.
As long as he’s not fantasizing about a co-worker that he sees at work every day, as long as he only watches completely strange women that he never met, he is not cheating.
But Lying about it IS. Lying about it is not acceptable. So why do they lie about it?
“Women Go Ballistic When You Tell Them the Truth”
This is basically what men think. And I think you’ll agree. O.k., you know men are different sexually but if you can’t trust him, to be honest, where will it end? You don’t understand why he keeps lying about it.
(RELATED: Ultimatums in Marriage – Does it Work?)
The answer lies in your question. Men lie about porn because they know how much you hate it, how it makes you feel and they have GIVEN UP on making you understand that not every porn-watching man is a degenerate sex addict.
Can Porn Destroy Your Relationship?
It may sound sad, but pornography and male masturbation probably saved more relationships than they have destroyed. It’s a fact of modern life.
But, when you realize he is replacing you with porn more nights than not, he may be having a porn addiction. Porn addiction can definitely ruin the best of relationships and seeking professional help is a must.
The Best Online Programs for Dealing with Porn in a Relationship
If you feel porn is ruining your relationship, stop worrying and instead use one of these resources:
First up, OnlineTherapy.com. This fantastic service will match you with a professional cognitive behavioral therapist who will help you identify and break negative patterns in your relationship.
You can communicate with your therapist via messages or video from wherever you are, and you’ll even get a complete therapy toolbox with an activity plan, journal, and message history. It’s discreet and affordable, so why not give it a try? Check out how it works!
Next, let me introduce you to Marriax Max’s free email series. This is the best free resource out there for fixing your marriage, and it’s brought to you by the wonderful Marriage Counselor Mort Fertel. I personally used his advice in my own marriage with amazing results, and I even went on to complete his excellent Marriage Fitness program.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
Hello Ladies,
I’m struggling, my boyfriend and I going on 3 years have a son together. We are young and trying to get our lives together due to starting our new family. Just recently when I was pregnant I caught him watching it. But not just it, he’d look up things on different apps like tik-tok of girls shaking their a** and showing their private parts. He told me that he would stop and he was sorry. And I was hurt at the time but I trusted that he wouldn’t do it again. Then in May, we had our son and he told me that he was doing great and not watching porn. (I would check in with him here and there) I go to take a shower and saw that he left his phone in the bathroom and right when I open it there were naked women and stuff on it. I go to ask him how he’s doing with it to see if he would lie and he did. He lied to my face. Then I showed him what I found and he didn’t say anything but I’m sorry and I’ll get help. So I told him he needs to start a program that helps him. And he did. But not even and week later he tells me he needs to brush his teeth and I go to follow him and I can see that he’s not brushing his teeth. I go back downstairs to wait for him and I ask him again how he’s doing, to give him the opportunity to tell me the truth and he lies to my face again. I have tried everything, I have been so nice and understanding towards him with this, and over and over again he keeps lying and not trying to get better. I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t want to give up on this relationship but he’s disrespecting me and this relationship and in all honesty cheating.
Men will never understand how you feel about them watching our nice tried understanding and can’t seem to understand it I’m going through that with my boyfriend I caught him twice this week and we’ve been together for 6 years you just at some point have to let it go unless it’s an everyday thing if it’s an everyday thing I would just leave
Men like this don’t give a shit about how much they hurt their women. It’s all about themselves. They are deliberately causing pain to someone they claim they love.
So I am in a relationship and I love my boyfriend very much, so I will admit, I have masturbated and not really watch porn..more just listen to it, but I am a sexual woman and my boyfriend has never really been the sexual type…which is whatever…buuuuuut I found out that he did watch porn and this is after he’s told me that he’s never liked it and it doesn’t turn him on, I’d wear lingerie sometimes and he’d say it reminds him of porn and he didn’t like it..so I didn’t wear it anymore…but he told me he only watched porn once and I found out it was more than that…like maybe three times…then he does get defensive and says things like omg it’s just porn, you have done it too and to that o say yes, I have, but I haven’t lied to your face about how many times I’ve done it and it’s only been maybe two times since we’ve lived together for the past year and a half…when I masturbate, I don’t need porn, I just think about him and that’s enough to get me off. I don’t think it’s cheating, but lying about it to me is bullshit, I’ve been completely honest about my sexual needs and he’s told me time and time again it was only once, I didn’t even like it…okay, so why lie? I just don’t know what to do
What you women don’t understand is porn is a fantasy for a man. A man wants to have as much sex with as many different attractive female partners as possible, this is programmed into our DNA and has nothing to do with the relationship we are in. It doesn’t matter how fulfilling the relationship is or how attractive or unattractive the partner is, it’s biological so don’t take it so personally. Imagine your favorite dish is pasta. Do you want to eat pasta every single meal for the rest of your life? I don’t think so. When you’re full do you want to skip meals until you get another chance to eat pasta again? No. When you withhold sex from us it makes things worse. Or when you make us feel guilty for watching porn. Newsflash, we watched porn long before we met you. When we were single and got snuffed by other women. So how do you think we feel if we have gone our entire lives eating different tasty dishes, and after marriage, you offer us pasta for the rest of our lives on your schedule?
The irony is that if you did not make us feel guilty but rather let us watch the porn freely, we would be much better partners. Because we had several different meals throughout the week, we would look forward to spaghetti after steak, sushi, hamburgers, and pizza.
And yes, I fantasize about pornstars all the time when I’m with my wife. I hope she would fantasize about other attractive men too. Because humans need an outlet and some variety. But just because we do that doesn’t mean we can’t be faithful. I want to have sex with a gorgeous model, not be with her for her personality and upkeep.
If that’s what he wants then he should not get married. So you’re basically saying that men will watch porn and women need to shut up about it?!? And you are not being faithful. An exclusive relationship should be exclusive… And don’t try to turn this around on women…and if I had to tell my husband I was up to something, and I knew the truth would hurt him, even if I thought he would beat on me (ftr my husband …. I would still be honest with him. Because I love him and I respect him enough, that I wouldn’t hurt him in the first place. I guess that’s what separates us from men
I haven’t had sex for a year because I guess he wants to taste all the dishes. I’m ready any time but he can’t, he’s to busy with the girls. He lies to me and blames it on ED but he can with the girls. I call it cheating and I’m gone 7 yrs to long. Why do they want you with them if they can’t show up.
Debbe
ED actually develops from porn addiction and watching too much of it. Sad.
100% Manda! You took the words out of my mouth. My husband has been lying for years. And we had talked about it all before we got married.
I have told him every horrible thing about me regardless of the consequences. He never did the same.
Can’t you understand that it is inbred into us, just as certain things are inbred into women. If you have a problem with that, talk to the creator, or figure how evolution demands that men have the need to ejaculate often, at the sexual prime, VERY often. Nearly ever species of animal on the planet express their needs, just differently. We’ve evolved from just taking it whenever we want, mostly. We don’t bite our mates, mostly. You as women have things that you need and this is physically what most men need. You cant change it and if you can’t understand it, maybe YOU shouldn’t get married. An otherwise great husband and father is something to be cherished. Same goes for women and things men don’t understand about them. There are a lot of shitheads out there. If you’ve got a good one, don’t ruin it because of a biological need that you refuse to understand.
Maybe you can help me out with this. I dont like porn. But i did watch it with him when first married. But i seen him looking around me at it when having sex. So i stop watching it all together it made me feel so bad. We moved to a place i didn’t like and i got very depressed i got put on meds and they made me gain weight finally i stopped being depressed and lost weight i got a breast reduction and lift and a tummy tuck i was feeling great about our life and myself again. Then i found a cellphone he was not supposed to have. That he hid it was not activated he used it on store wifi to watch porn he had it 5 years before i found it he said. I was broken i finally felt better and got to looking pretty i felt
Where i need help with is he said it was just to look at porn because he didn’t want to make me feel bad. He wanted to get rid of the phone fast after i found it. i didn’t get to look to see if he was talking on dating sites or things like that. He said he didn’t. He just watched porn. Could he really be telling me the truth about not taking to other women and it just be looking at porn and not talking to other people the porn hurt but i can work on that part. But i am just so worried he talk to other women. Please be kind this has been rough for me but we are working on it.
What did men do before porn and the internet? It wasn’t everywhere then. So how’s that vibe with your daily dish theory?
It is not in fact a “biological need”. Acess to pornogrophy is a fairly recent phenomenon and before porn men did just fine. It is most certaintly cheating to look at another woman totally nude and jerk off. That still encites the bonding part of the male brain towards the current subject of the man’s attention — the porn model. Using porn gradually wears away at your ability to bond with your partner.
Women have it right. We absolutly can and should abstain from porn. We men today are just too weak to say no to our own desires. Is a man even really a man if he cannot say no to himself?
This article is bullcrap. Men, leave off the porn and give yourself to your wife. It’s better that way. If you only focus your sexual attention on a single person the bond do be deep.
While I find you incredibly honest, I also find your comments cold and uncaring of how a women is perceiving your p**n watching or addiction.
We cannot compete with the variety of p**n on the internet or phone.
We feel less than, we feel cheated on and left behind in a cloud of p**n.
You have not mentioned love.
Just lust.
Computers & cellphones have only been around for so long, along with porn, what would a male /partner then do if he didn’t have access to a bunch of females faces & bodies at the tips of his fingers? The men men on lifebelow zero with no wifi & only their wives seem happy and healthy asf.
What is the point of even being married? Men are disgusting, I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life than be disrespected like you disrespect your wife.
I wouldnt care about my man watching porn if he was honest with me about it frok the first time i asked him and he said he wouldnt do it anymore but i know he still does bc he deletes his google search. I asked him why he does it and he started with i dont and i said well ur google search shows u watch it everyday. He then said its a guy thing and he doesnt watch it everyday. I like sex just as much as him and i told him i was going to start watching it and get myself some toys and everything changes and he said he wouldnt be with me if i have to do that. So why is it ok for a man to do it but the women says they are going to its not ok.
Your article is a joke. How can you claim to help people have a better marriage and then state things like “let him watch porn and just be thankful he isn’t cheating”. I’m sorry what? So men are so weak and can’t control themselves that we have to loose a part of our security and self worth and allow them to partake in SINFUL acts against your marriage and against God? Your statistics are also off because a man that watches porn regularly has a 300% higher chance to cheat on their spouse than one that doesn’t. Ladies listen, you don’t have to accept someone who won’t control themselves, on the contrary there are men that don’t participate in the SIN that is pornography.
Thank you for your words. I would just once in my life meet a man who has overcame this sin. I’m just tired of being angry and bitter. After 18 years of marriage with emotional silence and him hiding in the bathroom for over 30 minutes a day lying about what he does. He doesn’t know but I requested internet site usage from our provider that was just emailed to me this morning. I’m done and as soon as I can live on my own financially I am leaving. I’m tired of pastors telling me to wait and hold his hand. Enough is enough. Now my 17 year old son struggles with this and my husband is too much of a coward to talk about it
Preach girl, I am going through a similar situation right now although he gets off on sexting and searching local escorts it’s a “thrill” for him.. bs the porn thing I don’t mind it’s the betrayal the gas lightening the dishonesty.
We deserve better
Love it you are so right!!
THANK YOU!!! spot on, this article is absolute nonsense. Us women must just roll over and be grateful for the bare minimum in life apparently.
I
I agree with you! I recently caught my bf 7 months in our relationship and he pretty much told on him self. He sent me a scree shot of his call logg for something else and I checked it and saw the incognito icon at the top..which never once saw before on his phone. I did my research and found out that is used to hide all web search and cookies ect. I confronted him and of course got super defensive and I said to him hes watching porn. Lied amd lied to me in my face and finally admitted it.
Hi i recently caught my fiance out watching porn last night. He was watching it whilst i was sleeping… I suddnly awoke to the bed vibrating slightly and i saw it to my shock horror on his laptop. I watched him for a good 5 mins un be known to him… Then i suddnly made a loud movement noise. He quickly minimized the screen and put his facebook page back up… And said to me woah you made me jump there! I confronted him about it and we have been together now going on 14 yrs 🙁 Im naturally very very hurt and upset by it all. And he turns around and says to me that he just needed the relief thats all :/ Im so hurt and upset and feel like ive been literally cheated on. Hope you understand my dilema also… I feel its hurtful and very degrading. Yeah some may say at least he were honest about it.. But i still feel really Betrayed and hurt by the fact that he can take pleasure in this degrading industry… A reply would be nice from you or anyone who has this problem. Thanks 🙁
Hi, take a deep breath. I was told that by someone who answered my same issue and it works. I also have felt that way and many others. It seems to be a daily battle for most of us, your not alone. I have been with my husband for 30 years and married for 24. I have always been in the dark about the understanding of why?? Always thought it was me or I wasn’t good enough. I was told to confront him and ask the question why and that gives you the chance to tell him your hurt and devastated. Communication is key for you. Believe me it’s not you. Trust me it’s not you. I’ve done alot of research about this and believe me when I say, understanding why the do it will make you understand and will give you the reasons to work with him or with out him. My husband and I now have a understanding from both sides. Hope that helps and just remember your not alone.
I’m so sorry you have experience with this. So do I and I feel so betrayed and devalued. I just found more evidence after he lied to my face about it, and I asked if I could see his phone. But I should just be grateful that he most likely not cheating on me. So he says anyway, but he also said he wasn’t watching porn. We just got engaged too, should I just bounce now? I keep seeing posts about it never getting better.
Hi ladies. I know that it’s been almost 4 years since you all have commented on this article, but I am in the same boat. I was just wondering… after all this time – have you found porn on your husbands phone/computer again ? I am asking because I am considering getting a divorce over this. I am sick to my stomach. Also feeling like shit and not being good enough. I also get the same story “why would i watch that when I have you?” or “It’s disgusting” or “I cant believe you think that of me”
I’m just wondering whether it’s worth it to stay or would i be making a huge mistake?
Thanks
xxx
Shannon
There is a HUGE amount of shame for many porn users (OK me) that contributes to the hiding and lying. I just heard a TED talk with Johann Hari and Juno Mac about stigmatization that was AWESOME! One needs to treat addiction with love, not prohibition.
To me the hurtful thing is the lying. I don’t actually care about the act of porn. As long as it does not replace me, like the blog says or interferes with our own intimacy I’m ok with it. I know that I rather he do that, than cheat on me. What I have a huge problem with is the lying. If you get caught literally red handed or if you simply forgot that your history can be seen on the family computer too and your spouse happened to see it… and you still deny it… that’s a BIG problem. I can understand a man’s fear to admitting it because they don’t know how we will react. At the same time, if you are in a relationship with someone, you’d known aspects of their personality well enough to know whether they will or won’t take it well. I guess the whole, lying/denial of it, even when it’s obvious that the secret is out, is a big problem for me. Couples should be able to admit when caught on anything. Discuss the situation calmly and rationally. Let each one speak their piece and then decide as a couple what the best course of action would be in order to live a harmonious relationship. To some extent, it feels immature to deny it. Kinda like when there is one child in the household, but magically it wasn’t them that drew on the wall with marker… the marker in their hand… and all over their clothes. Really? Duh, yes it was you, just laugh and say yea i do it. Its nothing serious, just a stress reliever.
I have been having this issue with my husband for quite awhile now. He looks at naked pictures of women on whatever search engine he is gonna use & when confronted about it several times, the same results continue.. “I don’t look at shit like that, you need to stop accusing me.” However, over the past few years especially, he looks at it alot. There were times that I would be at work & come home & there would be a bottle of lotion sitting next to the bed and a towel that he “did his thing” on & the porn was all over the history on our laptops, his phone & sometimes even MY iPod. & his response was either blaming someone else (which is so stupid), or saying they just pop up on their own. I don’t quite understand, he is supposed to be a Christian man & his never-ending lie is sooo insulting to my intelligence and my heart. He will deny it to the ends of the earth. I have even heard him in the bathroom “beating it” so to speak & still, the lie prevails. I already know it to be a fact, it’s up to him to be a man about it now because I want the truth. I want to know I can trust him, but how can I when he is doing things like this? There was even a point in time that I really wanted to make love with him & granted, we had a lot going on at the time, & he said he was too nervous so I got upset about it & just went and took a shower so I didn’t have to cry around him & when I came back out, I found out later on that day that he masturbated while I was in the shower. I really feel like he would rather look it this than do anything with me because if I even ask him, he was just come up with some type of excuse why he doesn’t feel like having sex right now, so instead he runs into the bathroom for a “secret” relief. I need help, this is tearing me apart :'(
I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat as alot of the postings. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and yes I have known about his porn addiction and masterbation since we met. We have had some major ups and downs (2 times) where I have left him. The last time was for almost a year. I thought he had gotten over it a long time ago but I have recently caught him doing both again. My heart is broken. I constantly think it’s me. I’m not good enough, I’m overweight, I’m ugly, I’m not the one, he’s cheating! I have medical issues that makes it difficult to do the things we use to back in the day when we were younger. I certainly don’t look like I used to 3 kids later. I have lately been very sick and have major panic attacks. Even on my birthday I caught him looking at porn – confronted him and he lied. Even though we have had several break downs (in the last month) with him in tears because he sees me so upset over his addiction. But continues to do it. I’m at a loss of what to do. He promised he would stop the porn but still downloads what he can when he can while I sleep. I know that this posting is all over the place and I apologise for that. I love him more then anything. He is my best friend, my love, my life. On a positive note, it is nice to see emotionally for me anyways that I’m not alone. I need support. I’m so lost. I don’t know how to hang on anymore.
Hi lovey,
If this has been going on for 30 years it’s never going to stop. You need to leave, leave him and don’t look back. He very clearly has a problem that he needs to deal with! Ultimately he can only change himself.
Or stay and forgive him but know that this will always be a issue and a fight between the two of you. You have been doing this for 30 years at what point do you put yourself first?
I just found porn on my finance phone thus is sometimes I am not ok with. I feel it is cheating to watch other women naked and moaning. What should I do? I tried talking to him but he will just ignore me. Please help.
Thank you to all who shared. My husband and I are going through some issues in our sex life and he turned to porn. I have gained 25 pounds since we have been together and don’t have the nice body I had when we first got together. When I saw the porn on his phone I immediately felt insecure. Also I felt really insecure about being 31 because the girls in the porn videos looked like they had just barley turned 18 or 19 years old. My husband is 49 years old and I feel it’s inappropriate for him to be attracted to such young girls. He said the reason why he turned to porn was because we weren’t having sex very much or at all for weeks and months at a time. The reason for that is because I was processing some childhood sexual trauma in therapy and sex was the last thing on my mind. My husband has had issues with porn addiction in the past and also is a recovering drug addict/alcoholic so it scares me that our relationship could be ruined by porn. He has admitt he has a problem with porn and has gone to some SA meetings and is trying to set up a time to see a therapist. So I am grateful he is trying to get help. For me though, to be ok I need to have develope healthy self-esteem which I am working on with a therapist. I think for me why it hurt so much to find my husband watching porn was because the girls had nicer bodies than me and were much younger than me. And, that’s why it has hurt me so much to catch my husband watching barley legal pornography. Also because I know my husband hasn’t been getting what he needs sexual from me and I just wish he would have expressed that more than turning to porn. The lack of communication in our relationship definitely needs to be worked on. So that is why we are seeking out a therapist to help us in our relationship. I hope we can stay married and work on our relationship but I won’t stay married if I continue to be unhappy.
Hi everyone porn is obviously causing lots of problems in some marriages. Some marriages it maybe good for but for me it has become upsetting and severely destressing. The lies and deception is a big issue. Also i love sex and I’m pretty amazing I have many talents. But like many women on here feel rejected as he does not initiate sex very often. He seems to be able to go without sex but not without porn and mastabastion. In my eyes that is interfering with our sex life and therefore our marriage.
To me sex and orgasms are very important and I feel porn is taking away from our relationship. Sure getting off to porn is a stress relief for men I get that but it is selfish. I need sex as much as any man but I don’t use it I would much rather spend time having sex with my partner. Some mem will even continue to do regarding on the consequences and the breakdown of relationships. I feel betrayed lied to and long for more consistent sex and unstatisfied.
I am in a spot and this article has helped a bit. My problem is that my fiance says he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about porn with me. So it’s become a secret. I only know he watches it because I was terrible and went on his computer. What I found is that he watches porn every morning when I am at work. It started out slower, but now it’s every single day he is at home and I’m not with him! It’s driving me crazy. I am not about secrets. I understand privacy for every individual, but this is wrong. I don’t know how to bring it up outside of asking to look at his computer when he is here. I can’t just say I’m done because I love him deeply and believe he loves me. I also have two children that love him desperately. But, I also have been in this spot with my ex husband. He started watching porn behind my back and ended up having an affair a few months later. This is eating me up inside and I feel like it is making me distance myself from him which will only hurt our relationship. I am so confused, hurt, and angry. I just need some good sound advise. Please help.
Hello Ladies and some Gents. First time I caught my husband masturbating to porn was 8 years ago. And from there on out, I have found stuff on his phone, computer, etc. A couple years ago, when I found it, we had a long talk and I explained to him how it makes me feel and that I consider it cheating. I believed that he stopped because I thought he actually cares about my feelings and not just his penis. Well just recently, I checked his computer and I found more porn. As many others said already, he uses igcognito browsing, etc to hide it. I have not mentioned anything to him and it is been boiling inside me. I was also wondering if guys make this excuse that it doesn’t mean anything to them, how would they feel if we watch guys with six packs and huge wieners and masturbate to it, pretending they are doing those things to us. That would be ok to them or would they worry that their penis is too small? My husband likes the videos where the male holds the camera and films the girl giving head, so I know he pretends the girl is giving him head. So in his head, he is cheating on me and not just looking at boobs and all the other body parts. I also noticed a change lately where he actually holds my head down on it during bj and makes me gag or tells me to spit on it, just like those women do. So is he pretending now that I am those women? What is next, paperbag over my head???
I am a guy and my gf, future wife, likes looking at lesbian and sometimes gay porn and I have nothing against it. The whole pretending to be in the actor’s place is inconceivable for me. It’s just nice to look at other people do sexy stuff because it gets you in the mood. I see women make a lot of assumptions and talk half truths, not just here, but all over the internet. They all tend to say that they did no wrong but out of the blue, their man starts cheating or neglecting them. They also claim to be honest which is bs in 99% of the cases, because women definitely lie more then men do. I will explain my claims in future comments, if needed. Back to the topic, I don’t know one man who would be offended because his SO is watching porn, and I know that many women hide the fact that they watch porn due to insecurity. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence and I also had the curiosity to “test” them myself. So much double standards, I would like to understand why when women do it it’s a “private matter” and nobody needs to know, and when men do it it’s often labeled as “cheating”?
As a man who uses porn, I think who’s using and who’s not, or whether it’s a man or a woman using, is not the issue. The issue is honesty and respect. Are you brave enough to tell your partner what you’re into? Can you respect your partner enough to listen to their concerns? Do you love your partner enough to work out a solution that works for both of you?
Meow’s comment about women lying more than men is complete BS! And that comment about using porn out of insecurity is new to me and I don’t understand it.
As a man, if my Beloved is getting sexed up, for whatever reason, I’m all for it! It’s more likely I’ll get some of that action. My woman feels totally different about it…we’re different…!Vive la difference!
I just really don’t get why my boyfriend has to lie about watching porn or looking at nudes of random chicks. He knows the lying is what gets him trouble, yet he chooses to lie about this when it’s a common thing for just about anyone to watch porn.
I am in such a spot about this. My fiance says he’s not comfortable talking to me about porn. He doesn’t admit to watching yet doesn’t deny it. So I open Pandora’s box and go in his computer when he left for work. When I looked back a few months, it was every one in awhile. I now have found that it’s every day I’m at work in the morning. I don’t know what to do. I go to work and when he doesn’t text me back right away, I know he’s on a porn site. It drives me crazy. And now I’ve become the porn snooper. It is isn’t me, but how do I bring this up. I love him deeply but feel like he is cheating in me so my heart is breaking. We have always had the concept of…. If it cannot be done in front of the other, it’s a betrayal. This was always in the context of other people, but I feel it applies to all aspects of a relationship. Granted, we have a good sex life, very good. But it has definitely slowed down. And today, I swear he was smoking when I left for work. I’m so hurt and lost. So now I am getting more and more distant with him. He asks me what’s wrong and I lose my strength to bring it up. So lost right now. I am a 39 year old divorced that thought she got it right this time.
Well…… im completly confused about all of this,
ok on the one hand i agree with the Author….to a point…
So you say they/some use porn/masturbate as a way to relieve stress? But if this is all it is then why lie?
some people meditate but dont hide it or lie, some go to the gym and dont hide it or lie about it, some run, some eat, some bottle it up (unhealthy), some scream at the top of their lungs on the top of a hill just for the hell of it…Because it feels good, Thats why! ALL of these things are greats for stress relief amoung other things BUT nobody hides the fact that theyre doing it or lies about doing it, SO, if porn/Masturbation is just a simple form of stress relief then WHY LIE!!!!
oh its just so frustrating, my man has always told me he never touches himself because thats what wives/partners etc are there for so theres no need…… LIES… he also said he never watches porn because he has me to look at, get him off etc…. MORE LIES, when shown the proof in black and white off his phone at a certain time that he wasnt contactable that he had been watching porn he still lies and denies. i cant deal with the lies, I can deal with him watching porn, i dont mind it actually as i know when he has because the bedroom action changes (in a good way) but when i say wow that was awesome hun, where did that come from? he gets angry! And LIES! its the lying that i cant deal with.
Anyway, me telling him that i dont care about the porn just dont hide it turned into a massive argument leading to the end of our relationship…… Because i am unjust in asking questions about why he feels the need to hide his way of STRESS RELIEF and Sex Education……
im torn…..
I’m in a similar situation as many of the women who have posted.My boyfriend and I moved in together over the summer and everything was great until one morning we were wresting around in bed and he had his cell phone in his hand and the screen was unlocked and showing all of the sites that he had recently been on.One being pornhub..I felt sick.I was so disappointed and upset.I’m not naive with men and it took me a long time to get to the point of being in a serious relationship. I even moved 1600 miles across the country from my beach front apartment that I loved to Kansas City because he’s in the Army and “needed me here”.He claimed it was old but I knew it was a lie and it’s happened twice since. I rarely check his devices because i don’t want a relationship like that but I checked today and there it was..last night while I was out getting things for Thanksgiving and his friends coming to dinner,he was watching porn. He swore to me that it wasn’t important last time and I explained to him that it’s cheating. He said he wouldn’t do it anymore.Lies.I haven’t talked to him about what I found today mostly because I can stand the thought of being lied to and having that conversation again. Nearly everything else with us is great but I can’t accept it.I want a man with stronger character that understands how wrong and damaging porn is. I ask him,”would you masterbate to some stranger you ran into out somewhere? Why is to ok to masterbate to images of women you don’t know? Whores! Sex should be between the two people in the relationship.He talks about getting married soon and I love him but this is going to be an ongoing issue. I just don’t know what to think.
Rebecca,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have said my opinion about porn in the comments above and in the article itself, and after 10 years of marriage and obsessing about other marriages…I still feel the same.
If porn is not REPLACING your sex life, and otherwise you have a healthy one, I think it can be tolerated. If he is not addicted, and feels satisfied with “normal” sex in your every day life – I wouldn’t end a relationship over it.
You can suggest going to therapy together to resolve this situation, but before anything else – The first thing to do is to stop taking it personally.
It has nothing to do with you.
Men are visual. What’s the difference between looking at porn and fantacizing porn-like situation in your head? That is “allowed” because anyone can do it without telling anything about it. And believe me – They all do.
I hope you find a way to communicate about this without accusations and anger, otherwise this won’t go anywhere but stay the way it is (or get worse).
Good luck!
The hardest part is understanding why? Truthfully we will never get the real answer. You are going to have men who lie and make excuses and you are going to have women who lie to themselves and make excuses for there men. Now I am with you on the fact about a relationship being made for two. These women who say it’s no big deal are women who feel they are either to old to leave or suffer from some type of low self-esteem and can’t do better. Keep your head because you are in for a long hard fight. Either he is going to pick that trash or you. Just remember you have to put your foot down. Make him pick, and if he says he’s not going to stop looking you have to say if you can deal with it or be done with his dirty butt. Good luck
This is why porn is DARK. It goes against everything we’re taught is sacred. Marriage is ONE man & ONE woman and the sex between them is sacred and special between those two only.
Porn has no place in a marriage (imho) it only breeds pain. This world has turned dark and we’ve ALL noticed it!
I am sorry but I really can’t say I agree with any of this. First and foremost lots of men do not watch porn I think it’s silly to put everyone into one category. Second what I see from this article is a long list of excuses to support wrong behavior in a relationship. For me the biggest problem I see is the lying. Let’s be honest the real reason men watch porn is because they are selfish. I mean he sits around in his little dark spot alone pretending that these prostitutes want him while his wife is cooking and cleaning and taking care of his kids what more can he ask for. If I am working my butt off to take care of all of your needs then who does a man think he is to be getting his sexual needs met by anyone else. I am a wife I will not ever support this or buy into any excuse of it being something men just do or it’s not cheating. Well to some women it is cheating. It may not be physical but the pain sure feels the same to a person who loves you. Men need to understand that they need to stop lying to get what they want. If you date a woman and most women who hate porn will tell you in the beginning they don’t want porn in a relationship then YOU need to decide if that is something important enough to give up or keep watching. These poor women are always being attacked being called insecure or controlling when the real problem is the liar. She does not want it in her relationship but you tell her what she wants to hear so you can get what you want. Don’t say oh I hide it cause you would get mad or it would hurt you. If you know that then don’t do it. What do you think she is going to say “oh he really cares about me and my feelings ” sorry not going to happen she is going to be mad and angry and not trust you and all you can do is blame yourself. Plenty of women like porn so don’t waste the time of a woman who does not want it in her relationship because guess what watching porn is like eating toast no matter how carefully you eat it you are going to drop crumbs. My point is this either give it up or find a new girl who does not mind it. Stop with the lying and excuses for your own personal gain. Truthfully if men can do that then I promise we wouldn’t see this question asked by so many hurt women.
Here I am again… Still looking for answers. I really appreciate what you wrote. I Agree with you. He makes me feel so worthless. Somehow reading this lifted my spirit. Thank you
I hope things get better for you. I thought I was past this part of my relationship only to see that I was fooled again. I think I have decided that enough is enough. I gave my husband his last warning and if he lies then I have decided to leave. All you can do in life is be yourself and be glad you are a unique. Us Women are to be valued. They want love and respect then it needs to be earned.
Wow girl you nailed it!!!!!
Sad thing is the recent research that shows 88% of porn scenes involve violent or abuse towards the woman This includes calling them
Whores , sluts , bitches , hitting or Spitting on them
Just a shame so many men
Need to see women degrade to off
The women never look like the average wife or mother. Of their children
Men have zero respect for women and us as a series of holes to be used up then used as housekeepers and baby incubators while they fantasise about the 19 year old being spat on and penetrated by multiple men
I am 52 and have been married to the man I thought was my best friend for 14 years. The last 4 years have been stressful with cancer and deaths in our family. Okay so that’s life. One day he hands me his phone to look at a picture. I scrolled to look at the next one. It was a blond porn Pure Pleasure video. I ask what’s this. I get cussed out for putting it on there. I’m like, really? Then I think back. Is this why he showers once maybe a week? Or why we have sex 12 times a year? I think he’s tired, I’ve gained weight, he can’t keep it hard half the time. .. every time I look at him he has his phone in his face. I think he is addicted to porn. I see where he wipes it on his dirty shirt or on a towel. I am afraid to say much to him. He just yells. If like to see what he watched so I could learn what it is he wants. He deletes it or don’t lay the phone down. I’m sick. .. do sick of this. The lies. It is like cheating to me because he won’t tell the truth. I am willing but oh no he’s tired or he sinks do bad you don’t want to touch him. What do you think? Turn my head and sleep in this spare bedroom forever?
Doris,
I’m sorry you’re going through this and yes, I do think, like you, that he may be addicted to porn.
You don’t have to see what he watches to know what he wants, because porn has nothing to do with real life and he is not watching it because something is wrong with you.
I think that instead of trying to initiate sex as a solution or thinking about ways to please him, which doesn’t work obviously, you should maybe try to communicate to him about this, in an “acceting way”.
The first step an addice must do is to confess that he has a problem. Your husband isn’t there yet and if you want him to get there you need to talk to him and show him that you know about this, and that it’s alright, that you’re not angry.
When he realizes he can talk to you about it, without anger, he may open up and confess his problem to you.
When he does, it will be easier to suggest that he gets professional help, which is the only way to help an addict recover, just like with alcohol or drugs.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best,
Lisa
I’m 21 and my partner of 2 years is lying to me about watching porn it makes me feel unattractive but he doesn’t see this side to it. I feel like walking away from him as I am available for intimacy whenever he wants he chooses not to accept it. Fed up is an understatement
Like I said, when your spouse prefers porn over sexual intimacy, it means he is addicted to porn.
It’s like any other addiction. First you have to admit having it, and then you need help.
If he won’t get professional help, nothing will change.
Of course you are fed up. Now it’s time to take action. Give him an ultimatum – Either he admits it and gets help, or you’re out. Don’t get stuck in this situation forever.
Ugh… I’m a dude and I hate porn because it’s the only freakin’ sex I get. I always had a certain disgust for it but I was always stupid enough to think it would be easier to stop when I’d get married. Been married for over 13 months… no sex whatsoever in the last 10 months. I want to stop porn and masturbating … fuck I hate it so much… I guess I would be called an addict if I admit I can`t stop?!? I love my wife and she is very affectionate, she wants me to hug and massage her all the time which I do… but she tells me she hates sex. Sometimes I wish she could do it to me like all the things I do for her… yet I want more than that… I just want my wife to enjoy sex it doesn’t matter if it’s scarce… I just want her to enjoy it and feel like I too am sexually attractive.
also, adressing the statement in the article that he LIES about it because the woman will overreact…if he cheated, I’m POSITIVE he would lie about that, because a woman would CERTAINLY overreact to that, right? Humans mostly lie because they KNOW what they are doing is wrong…they lie because they have feelings of guilt. It’s complete human nature for us to “overreact” when we are told an UGLY truth by someone who has been doing something they feel guilty about or that is morally wrong. That right there sums up basically why I feel like the porn issue is not so innocent as the article leads it to believe. I have also seen porn as a gateway to infidelity as well, so I truly believe it works both ways as well. Some women are lucky enough to have a man who can just casually watch porn every now and again, while some women’s significant others can spiral into a serious addiction which can ruin the relationship as a whole…my two cents.
sorry, i meant to say that men/women who cheat will lie about it because they know how much we would HATE it….not that we would “overreact” lol
Hi, I almost never post to these kind of things. I’ll start by saying this is not in response to any one persons statement. I just thought I’d say a few things though from a, (A, not all) mans perspective. The first item is that Porn is like a gun or a car. It’s a tool. Porn does not destroy marriages anymore then a gun kills people or a car speeds. It’s all the person behind it. I thought the author was speaking from the point of a well adjusted man in a balanced, working relationship. And the author is correct, men like to look. I restrain myself from looking when with my partner because they are there and they deserve all my attention. From personal experience I can say it means nothing at all emotionally to look at other women in real life or privately through porn. I’d equate it to the same feeling women who enjoy shopping get looking at stores they have no interest in buying from. (remember, a singular man’s perspective here, so I can’t know for sure, just going from my personal experience) And yes, masturbation relives stress, relaxes me, and if I don’t go too long without an orgasm I get very touchy and grouchy. If I have a very stressful situation I will tend to masturbate more as it helps me deal with the stress. Yes, a loving sexual encounter with my partner does that too. But sometimes I just need the stress relief. And yes the author is correct, I feel dirty using the person I love and respect as a simple frustration relief tool, because love and affection is sometimes difficult for me to express. (I know someone will call Bull on this, but it’s a known and accepted fact that men find it more difficult then women to express that affection continuously.) It feels like I am faking affection that is really there because the stress I’m under overwhelms the desire I have for my partner, this in turn causes more stress and puts me in a downward spiral of trying harder because I feel worse. Now this is an occasional thing, not a standard excuse to escape sex for porn. I like sex a LOT more then porn because I like feeling loved and making my partner feel loved too. It’s just that occasionally I have other thoughts on my mind and need to shuffle them out the door before I can concentrate on who matters to me.
I have had relationships where the woman disliked porn. Each time I made a major effort to stop on her behalf. Sometimes it was successful, sometimes it wasn’t. But here is the thing, the reason it’s very easy to break that commitment is because porn means nothing to me except as a means to achieve an orgasm and move on with my day. If you go back to the shopping analogy, it’s like a man telling that shopping inclined woman not to window shop anymore because it makes him feel like he’s not providing enough for her financially, thus denigrating him. It’s difficult to grasp the other persons side because the action does not have the emotional context for you. And besides, if that hypothetical woman is out with friends who want to window shop, it’s no big deal since they are doing it and she’s just going along. Or if they are by themselves in a mall and the husband shouldn’t ever be able to find out….
I’ve also had relationships where we watched porn together, (honestly it always made me feel weird. I had affection for my partner, and none for the porn. The two meeting were very odd.) And I’ve had a partner that made home movies with me so I could watch them when I wanted to masturbate and not have to look at other women. Once I had our video I never did look at regular porn. I had no desire too, I had a video of the woman I loved being sexy for me. I didn’t have to work to express that affection back when I was overwhelmed because she wasn’t really there. I wouldn’t suggest that for everyone, some men can NOT be trusted with that kind of leverage in their hands. But it worked for us.
Please realize I’m talking from the part of someone who enjoys porn for the relief it provides me. I’ve never understood how someone can tell another person they care about that they are “Not allowed” to enjoy a stress relieving, emotionless activity because it hurts their partners feelings without giving a work around or trying to find a way to understand. As I understand, women’s brains are wired differently then men’s and there is a lot more emotion involved in an orgasm for them. Ultimatums of, “If you can do it, I can do it” don’t make sense because it doesn’t affect you in the same way. And the man knows that and will force himself to try and stick to a promise he will probably break because he can’t argue with the statement.
Additionally this article would not relate to a porn addict, anymore then one entitled, “why the casual drinker goes to a bar, (and makes up stories about their encounters after)” would apply to an alcoholic. Likewise if porn is a tool being used to wedge further gaps in a failing relationship, it’s not the porn that’s the issue. It’s the failing relationship. Like any good doctor will say, sometimes you have to address the symptoms, but the way to truly cure someone is to attack the cause.
Intellectually I understand that for many women, their partner watching porn is seen as a condemnation against them. For this reason I try to respect my partners desire regarding it’s use. But my best relationships were those where that understanding wasn’t simply demanded, but returned in kind.
Thank you for taking the time and making the affort to share your thoughts about this from a man’s point of view. I hope it will help some of the women who come here.
Thank you. I think you may have saved my marriage. Ty Ty Ty
I think this is highly comical to me…although not in offense. My husband is an old school traditional HYPOCRITE living in 1920. He believes he can do and say and come and go as he pleases, while I, the mother of our 2 children and his wife, have a set code of standards to abide by. If I were on my phone looking up pictures of big meaty manly parts,and getting off to them, I’m SO sure he would “defecate a brick”. In his eyes, I am NOT allowed to do MOST of the things that he thinks he can do. This all started after we had our first child. I must be prim, proper and prudent at all times, otherwise, I feel I would be shunned as a harlot in my own home. Yet, he can look at some dirty tramp taking it in the nastiest way by a meat head pool boy…and a a few of his friends. I walk on eggshells daily worrying how he will react to the things I say and my actions (not that I am a wild person at all, the fact is, I’m pretty conservative. But every now and again I would like to let loose with my own husband) Anyway, I feel like most men would feel this way, as they might see this behavior from their own women as a loss of property/dignity of some sort? I feel like a lot of this is trying to encourage women to do all the emotional change and acceptance work in the relationship and it seems wrong. How should you deal with this type of behavior as a God-loving practicing Christian?
I had to read the Article twice and even when I understand the Point and put myself in the Position, I disagree…well I don’t even disagree… I simply have a different Opinion and I have different Standards/Priorities. I’m 36 Years old my Husband is almost 27-so yes some Difference. Unfortunately, I JUST discovered, that my preaching “I don’t like Porn ..I think its disrespecting Women” lovely Husband is full of Sh%##^… HE passed me HIS Phone, because I had to make a call. Stupid and dumb as He is, he didn’t close all the Google Apps he had open, but to use the Phone Keyboard I had to close that. Tadaaaa- Porn Pics…mostly “Charlies Angels” Actor Names were used in the Search Engine. Needless to say,HIS Phone went flying across the Kitchen/Diningroom, He tried to play it off, but I kept on walking out of the House, or I would’ve beaten HIS A$$. All Day I had to play it off, act like nothing happened, since our Daughter was around, but He didn’t dare to speak to me, since He knew exactly what was wrong. Late that Night I couldn’t keep it any longer and I left the Bedroom, I couldn’t stay in the same Bed, same Room almost not even in the same House like He. My Stomach was torn, my Heart Murmur kicked up to 235 and I couldn’t calm down. He couldn’t let me be and came after me. The worst Fight ever broke down. After endless 4 Hours or so of Fighting, my Mind was blank. I didn’t believed a single Word of His desperate Try of Explanation when, why and blaaaa … That was 5 days ago, my Husband is on a Military Exercise (Army) until Sunday and my Mind can’t stop. My Trust is broke and it’s driving me nuts. One Priority Rule we had from the Beginning was, that Cheating starts for me already in the Head and He’s been agreeing with me on it for the last 6 Years. Yes, I feel betrayed, lied to and cheated on…and as much as I tried to put it up as a “It’s a Guys Thing with no Meaning behind it” I can’t forget it. So as you can see, some People can’t just explain it in a easy way and leave it with that. I, for me personally, I have to think of something to fix my Head and Heart now, cuz the Way it feels right now, is the Way down the Hill for our Marriage…. I’m sorry I couldn’t give a more positive Feedback. Best Wishes to y’all from Ga
Hi Mary,
I understand how you feel, at least going through something similar as you. My husband isn’t in the military but we have been together 6+ years and I have always felt like you about porn. my husband would always agree and say things like “who needs stuff like that when I have you”…Well I have caught him watching porn a few times since we have been together, at least the history on computer and such (which seemed like every time I left the house or wasn’t in the room at times). one time walked in. He has always hid it and lied about it. Even times I would have the proof in black and white he would still deny it at times. When I would ask him about it at times He kept swearing that he didn’t watch it anymore, thought it was disrespectful, didn’t want to hurt me, blaa, blaa, blah… He swears that he doesn’t jerk off to it, which i am not dumb enough to believe. And what bugs me more is that I am always willing to have sex, even though he doesn’t at times last long enough for me to really enjoy it through intercourse. He does go down on me and such before we have sex so I get my pleasure but it’s not the same for me. Sorry if TMI, I try new things, experiment, let him try things on me that I didn’t know if I would like or not at times, am very giving and pretty much does whatever he asks for in the bedroom. I ask him to tell me what he likes and all he says is that he likes what we’ve been doing. He isn’t much of a talker and rarely gives me his opinion on things. it’s always “i don’t know”. Yesterday i had to work and he did not. when i got home i found diff porn sight cookies from while i was gone. I asked him about them and for once (i guess it’s because he knew he was busted and i have preached to him so long about not being able to trust him because of his lying) he admitted to being on it. what gets me though is that he went to the trouble of opening a guest account on cuputer, logging off main account, logging on to guest account, going on private browsing, deleting cookies, logging off and then closing guest account on administrative account all to try and hide it. so there was no attempt of being open or honest with me to begin with. when i calmly asked him what kind of sights he was on all he would say is “i don’t know” “i don’t remember”at first. he asked why i cared and i told him it’s because i want to be in the kind of marriage when i can share EVERYTHING with my husband and vice versa. i don’t like lies or for things to be hidden. i also told him that it might turn me on to know what he was looking at because it might turn me on. (i am bisexual but we have never done anything with anyone besides each other since we’ve been together. i know it can ruin a relationship and don;t want to risk it) but fantasies can be interesting. he knows this . when i told him that i was frustrated that he wouldn’t even tell me what he liked to look at, he finally said that he just looked up stuff like him and i do. OK. when i asked him what type of stuff he put in the search engine to find that, he told me “threesomes”. well he and i have never done that. so he just tried to lie to me again. it makes those comment of his of “why do i need that when i have you” and “why would i try to cheat with her, she’s old enough to be my daughter” well so are those girls on the porn sights. when i asked him why he went on it he yelled “because I could” ” i don’t feel like i get to do anything anymore”. well with four kids, younest three and oldest fourteen who has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and residential centers for depression, and self harm, i don’t feel like i get to do anything either. it’s called parenthood though. he has two from a previous relationship who we have every other week fri-fri. anyhow this all gets me thinking after the at least the 20th time of trying to talk to him about it while he lies over the past six years, will i ever have that honest marriage that i desire? will he ever be honest with me? if he enjoys sneaking around, lying and hiding things from me to look at other naked women, what else does he do just because he can? i am so confuesed. am i just being insecure, is it wrong for him to lie about this, should i just let it go, ? i just don’t know. sorry about writing so much, i just needed to share and get others opinions. along with letting others know that they are not alone. maybe we can get through this together. who knows? any thoughts or opinions?
I totally agree with you Mandi. And I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m going thru the same shit. I ask myself those same questions, often. Will he ever be honest about this, and if he can lie so easily about this, what else is he or will he lie about. Right? I’m glad that someone else feels as I do. And I don’t have anyone to talk about this, so it just eats me up inside. This is the only place I can talk about it or read about anyone else going thru the same. Thank you for sharing. If you’d like to talk more, let me know, reply back and we’ll figure something out. Ok. Anyway, good luck. ~Amber
I’m with you on this. My husband of 19 years has always known how I felt. We’ve had a few rough patches, but this past one has really destroyed us. We even had a discussion about porn where I asked him directly and he said no, he doesn’t watch it. I know he does, but he could look me in the eye and lie as if nothing bothered him about it. Thing is, I discovered he burned porn cd’s 8 years ago and has been hiding them from me. For 8 years! I am beyond disgusted and mad. I can’t trust him, plain and simple. How does a marriage survive that! Guess we’ll see. Why is it that I feel like I’m the bad guy? Why do I feel like I am in the wrong? I refuse to accept that! While this article may take the physiological side of things, it does not take the human feelings into consideration! There is no excuse for lying!
That is exactly my point. Well, at least one of my points. It’s amazing how they can look us in the eyes and flat out lie. And, what’s even worse, when he gets an attitude and pissed of for accusing him of looking at porn and masturbating. And deny, deny, deny. Even with proof. Still, to continue to lie to me. I’ve cried and begged and explained what I’m going through and how bad he’s hurting me and it doesn’t stop. For a few years now I have wanted more sex, only getting it a couple of times a month. And yet, nothing changes. I’ve caught him in the garage masturbating more than once, and I lost it! I mean, I was right there in the house and instead of coming inside and having sex with his wife, he chose to masturbate in the garage. Now, after all this time of trying to talk to him, make him understand how it’s destroying our marriage, now my feelings toward him in that way are almost no more. Whenever he attempts to be with me, I feel disgusted and mad and grrr. I just lay there, no longer even wanting to enjoy sex anymore. It makes me so sad. And let me tell you, it wasn’t like this before. We used to have the best love making ever! We always said we were made for eachother, but now, he doesn’t even notice that I’m not enjoying sex, nor does he care, at least not at the moment. Anyway, I’m sorry for rambling on and on. This site is the only time I’ve been able to speak (write) about what I’m going through other than with my husband. I just wish I could talk about my feelings to someone, you know. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that I’m not alone. Thanks for listening.
Amber, it’s been a few years since you wrote this, but I am wondering how things have turned out for you. I am going through exactly the same stuff now and would like to hear how your experience worked out. It might be helpful to me in choosing how to handle this.
Yes I know the feeling. Plain and simple, open communication or lies? We either get one or the other. Sad but true.
Since it’s no big deal and it’s helping the guys out, the he won’t mind that his partner gets a site so other guys can whack off to her. This article is bs justification for guys to cheat in their own homes under their own partners noses under the guise of it doesn’t mean anything. It does. And if it doesn’t, then let your girl get a site.
SJ…harsh Words, but unfortunately for me the Truth too. It does matter…or does it not matter either, when I would watch hot male Strippers getting down to it…and here comes Hubby Bubby…haaa I bet He’d lose it…well at least mine would. Doesn’t seem fair, does it?!
SJ… I totally agree with you. It DOES matter, cuz when Women just nearly dare to turn their Heads after a attractive Man, all Hell will break lose… So either the same Rules for BOTH or none at all… That’s exactly what I told my Husband…again, needless to say, Silence was the only Thing that came back as Reply. Go figure!!!
I’m torn. My boyfriend and I discussed this a while ago and he told me he wouldn’t watch it again because he knows it upsets me. We don’t have much sex, maybe a few times every two weeks or so. Mostly he asks for blow jobs (which he always gets). He’s older and not horny all the time like me. But now it seems like every time I leave him home alone he watches porn and masturbates. Not only did he lie, but now it seems like he just doesn’t want to have sex with me. And I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to have sex with him. What makes it special if he’s going to just go look at other, prettier, sexier, naked women and satisfy himself? I like porn, but when I got into the relationship I stopped. And when the sex slowed down I made efforts to bring it back to speed with lingerie, special lubes, sex toys, games, and new positions. If I ask why he whacks off when I’m not around and doesn’t initiate sex when I am, he pretty much says it all depends on when he’s horny, and if I’m around or not when it happens is hit or miss. I’d be fine if he would just tell me the truth, and maybe we could even watch it together. It just feels wrong to me.
Dani, that sounds a lot like my situation. I’m the “Amber” that commented 3 above you. I feel just like you do. But, my husband will masterbate when I’m home. I’ve caught him in the garage when I was home and ready and willing to have sex at any time. It makes me so angry. He’ll use the excuse like “well you’ve been being a bitch lately”. And the only reason I had been a bitch is because I saw the he had been looking at porn as soon as I left to go somewhere. And every time he would do that, I would be more pissed and become a bigger bitch, etc. Long story short, now my desire to be intimate with him has faded away soooo much. And I’ve told him over and over that that was happening and that he was ruining our marriage slowly but surely, and yet, it continues. Every time we have a fight about it he swears he’s sooo sorry and that he won’t do it again and that he’s sorry and he’s so sorry, etc. Bullshit. He’s just sorry he got caught. I feel for you and hope your situation gets better. If you ever need to chat you can contact me here and we can exchange emails. I have not told anyone I know what I’m going through, and this is the only place I’ve ever been able to talk about my feelings. (except with my husband).
Ladies, ALL men do this and all men are the same in this aspect. Sad but true. They’ll find loopholes, be secretive, lie. Etc. We either decide they’re worth enduring this or we be single or gay. It is what it is. I’m sorry ladies. If a man isn’t interested enough to stop doing what hurts you then don’t waste your time with him regardless of whether you have kids or not.
Sounds so familar im going through the same shit .
So I’m NOT the only one who’s husband lies about porn!
I feel betrayed and insufficient.
The DISHONESTY is worse than the porn.
This is the only thing wrong with our relationship so it’s difficult to”throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Please help me?
I asked my husband to watch a video considered porn that teaches him how to make certain moves in the bedroom when a friend suggested it. Our sex life had drastically improved. I liked porn from there on out. I think pornography won’t destroy marriages, addiction to it does, when it takes away time from family and being intimate with your spouse, that’s the time it is not healthy for the marriage, it’s no different from eating too many eggs in a week. Anything in moderation is the key.
I would watch porn every once in a while before I got in a relationship with my now fiancé. There has been times I would go through his history and he would have porn after porn videos. I’ve told him I do not like him watching it. I personally feel like I’m being cheated on. If he doesn’t mind watching a girl on the screen than what makes me think he won’t mind watching other woman in public. He has told me over and Over he quit watching porn. I’ve got to the point were I would say I don’t care if you watch it but please stop lying about it. The twist is that he can watch it but I can’t. He will make rude comments when he would get home from work and would just make me feel awful about myself trying to say I do it all day. When I clearly don’t! Instead I’m taking care of our daughter. Even when I have told him he could watch porn he still lies about it. We normally go everywhere together. One day he didn’t want to go with me to go pick up our daughters formula. So I left her with him to run and pick it up. I come back and his pants are down and he is jerking off. I walk in he throws his phone down and try’s to pull up his pants. I said “are you watching porn” his response “No I’m just changing my pants” than he opens his phone while I’m sitting right next to him and it’s pornhub pulled up. His next excuse is I didn’t get to even watch it you came back really fast. This is another lie. When all this happened I just had my daughter a week before and I absolutely felt like crap! I had a all around tear and 9 stitches! I was at this time going through depression after having my babygirl! When all this happened I truly didn’t feel like he was even satisfied in the relationship. He now ask me for sex every single night. If I say no he would say oh you must of already rubbed yourself out. I don’t know what happen to our sex life but I honestly don’t even want to have sex anymore because of him being obsessed with porn. I have thought to myself well if I don’t give him sex he will go watch porn. So even when I really do not feel like having sex I do just because how nerve wrecking I am about him watching porn. Porn has truly made me feel sick to my stomach. I have truly lost the confidence in myself because I do compare myself to pornstars. I mean how can you not compare yourself to other woman who are naked and turns your fiancé on. Thank you for the post and this is just how I feel about porn. It truly can destroy some woman!
Its good to know these thoughts of insecurity can be shared by a female.
My husband watches any and all porn. He lies about watching it and will even continue to lie about it when he is shown the proof. To make matters worse, he moved out of our bedroom 9 months ago. We have not been intimate in over a year – his choice. He also frequently calls ex-lovers even with me in the room and ends each call with “I Love You”. Prior to moving out of our bedroom, there was not any sex for months. I want to be intimate but my husband will not have anything to do with me. If I try to talk to him, touch him, or initiate any sort of physicial connection, he pulls away.
I am going through the same thing. I feel so sorry for myself and our son. In my case, I think he’s been intimate with both sexes. Considering the type of porn that I’ve found. He’s checked out emotionally and physically. But it’s been a long time now and I’ve checked out emotionally. You can only be pushed away so many times until you give up. I’ve had a couple breakdowns and I’m not the same person I used to be. I’ve been solicited for sex a lot. I turn it down and then I slap myself. I know it’s wrong but where’s the value and commitment of my marriage. He refuses help so I’m done. Porn can destroy your marriage. Beware.
YES IT DOES
Hi Amber
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, believe me, you are not the only one. First of all, I don’t think it has anything with your age, men always drool at women that are the exact opposite of their wife (especially if the marriage is more than a few years), that’s why the prettiest of women got cheated on with much-less attractive women..
As for what you’ve shared here, unfortunately it does sound like he may have some sort of a porn addiction, for which he needs professional help.
When a man prefers porn over sex with his wife (assuming that the marriage is generally “doing o.k), it’s a sign of addiction.
I hope you can convince him to get some professional help.
Good luck and hang in there.
I think that porn is awesome in a relationship when watching it TOGETHER. I hate to say it, but, I have issues with my husband and porn/masturbation. See, my husband will wait till I’m gonna leave for a little while or I’m asleep or in the shower and secretly watch. And he does it at work all the time. It really hurts my feelings because I am a very sexual person and want sex as much as possible. And I don’t get it as much as I’d like. I feel like when he masturbates at work than I’m shit outta luck for a couple days. So, it’s like that’s taking from me and us. And he lies, and he has all kinds of secret stashes of discs and thumb drives with porn on them and lies about it. I’m like, hello!!!!! What about me??? And I’ve talked to him about all this and yet it doesn’t change anything. He says he won’t do it but every once in a while but then he’ll be doing it again the next day, ALL DAY LONG at work, looking at the shit. I’m obsessed with it now. Only because of the lies and I’m jealous because I want more sex and not getting it. I could go into more detail, but you get the point. I don’t know why it bothers me so much when it didn’t before. Maybe because I’m overweight I feel less desirable to him. And I’m 37 and he only looks at the “barely legal”. So the girls he looks at are everything I’m not or will never be. I’m so angry and frustrated. If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free. Thank you.
Hi, I am a porn user. I hope y’all have worked this out by now. My fantasy is, that as a woman who wants more sex, you might try joining him. Remember, it’s not about you! Can you imagine asking to see what he’s into, not caring at all about what it is. Then putting on your best porn actress persona and offer to help him get off? I gotta feeling it could create a big shift in the dynamic and perhaps allow him to look at his addiction.
I’m sorry but for some men it doesn’t work, even when you are younger. I had a good figure at 39 and when I married my husband, I spent $1,800 on outfits for our honeymoon. My husband was more concerned about running around the cruise boat looking at the woman with the basketball tits. I’ve had two husbands who after having a great worked out body, and loving sex and doing all that you had stated, they decided that they were tired of me. When I was dating, I had men waiting in line. So I don’t get it!
I know exactly what you are talking about. He lies and he says he doesn’t know how it got put on his phone. He is 67 and I’m 52. 15year difference. Was I ever wrong. He watches the same barely legal and man some of them girls are built like 11 & 12 year olds. His morals are sick. He agrees they look that age but he stands up for them and that is a bad punch to me. He defends them like he is an attorney. They have rights, they are legal. He is a retired vice- nar. cop. Military background too. I am gonna end up leaving this man Because Of this. His morals are what make me sick and them lies. No more. Thank God we are not married. Been together 3yrs.
My fiance watches porn and even though I used to be okay with porn in previous relationships I got really angry at first …I also believe this had to do with other matters affecting my trust and self esteem at the time. I’ve reevaluated and sat down and talked with him in an actually very calm way last night bc I know he has still been looking when I’m gone, in the shower, etc. I even made him laugh about it a couple of times bc I hate seeing him uncomfortable or upset. I told him I’m fine with it which I am really as long as he doesn’t hide it bc that when I feel he is being untrustworthy. I don’t like cam girls. Even though I’m trying to convey my limits, I just don’t think I’m reaching him. I mean in previous relationships I watched it with my partner, it’s hot! I’d love to do the same with him but I get the sick feeling he won’t ever be completely honest with me! I love this man dearly but can not marry him if he can’t be honest and open with me! I don’t really expect advice but I sure could use some words of encouragement.
U still with this guy ?
If my husband wasn’t into porn, I never would have found out my orgasm could be so orgasmic! (over the top kind of orgasms) I like a little porn too, alot of women do. Personally, porn has been another tool to enhance our sex life. I think it can be a problem if it becomes an obssesive behavior. Anything that becomes more important than your relationship can be a huge problem, whether its porn, drinking, gambling, etc.
The article was eye opening for me. I honestly thought that porn ruines marriages.
When my sister told me her husband was watching porn, I was horrified and recommended that she tells him that she will register as a porn star and he would be an exclusive customer although there would be no guarantees. In my mind I was thinking that this would be a way of getting the guy away from porn as I dont think any man would allow their wife to become a porn star.
Afetr the article i dont condone men who watch porn I just feel they have to be sensetive and considerate to their wives
Thank you so much Marsha for reading and commenting, I’m glad you liked it and that it made you think…:) Come back to visit soon!:)…
Lisa
My boyfriend watched porn for the longest time. Before me, when we have been together and I didn’t even know. When I found out I told him not to do it and it hurt me soo bad to know he would do such a thing. I cried and told him if he did it again I couldn’t be with him. I felt betrayed and somewhat cheated on in a way. Was I not good enough? I am attractive, caring and always willing to satisfy his needs. He than said he would stop and he didn’t want to lose me. I just found out it being months later that he has still been doing it. He told me he did it sometimes still and that he doesn’t care because he is a guy . I’m devastated, sad, and lying is the worst thing to do to someone you care about. On top of it all I feel extremely insecure. What should I do?
I’m also having the same exact problem and i don’t know what to do about it either.. help please