When I found out my husband had an affair, throwing him out and calling a lawyer was my first instinct.
After the initial rage faded a bit, I started thinking clearer.
I thought about our children, about our family and our future, and I decided to give my marriage and my husband one last chance.
One of the first things I wanted to find out is how to regain trust in a relationship (though I doubted it’s possible at all.)
How do I know if I can ever trust him again? What little signs should I look for, to know that it’s even a good idea to try to trust him again?
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5 Signs You Can Regain Trust in Your Relationship
Here are the 5 signs you may want to give trusting him another chance:
#1 – No Contact Rule
Your spouse needs to cut all contact with his lover. This can be difficult if they work together, mix in the same social circles or if it’s your next-door neighbor.
But if you’re ever going to trust him again you need to know that the other woman is out of the picture.
Your spouse needs to agree that if she ever contacts him again he’ll have to tell you first – before he responds.
You must work as a team now and be completely transparent.
#2 – Remorse
You don’t want to hear excuses like “it was an accident”, “all men cheat — it’s what we do!’, or “I don’t know why it happened”.
And you don’t want him to tell you that it was nothing and to downplay it all.
Instead, he must show real remorse for his actions and take full responsibility for his bad choices.
If he doesn’t, then you’ll simply keep your guard up because everything indicates that he’ll do it again.
Read: The 6 serial cheater personality traits (to know if he will cheat again)
#3 – Open Book
Most people who have been cheated on – have specific questions they need to be answered.
You’ll have awful images running around in your head (that never stop), and you’ll obsess about what exactly happened.
You must be able to ask your questions —however graphic they are – to get all the pieces of the puzzle.
If he isn’t willing to answer these questions or gives you vague responses, you’ll suspect he hides something and never move forward.
#4 – New Rules
To move forward with trusting your partner again he is going to need to follow new specific rules (See The Post Affair Agreement).
Some of them are:
- He will take off all passwords from his phone and computer
- Show you weekly bank statements and monthly phone bills
- Come home from work at the same time every night.
He might need to call you twice a day or cut off contact with toxic friends. Whatever the rules, your partner needs to make these a priority.
#5 – No Fight or Flight
If he can get this far and show you all of these signs, then it’s time for you both to turn your attention to your relationship.
There will be aspects of this that aren’t working and you’ll both need to give this an overhaul. In the end, your relationship must change if you want it to survive.
Look at the areas of communication, sex, time spent together, socializing, parenting, finances, housework, and in-laws.
Make sure that these problem areas don’t remain obstacles to re-building trust.
Did you know?
What Can YOU Do to Get the Trust Back?
Do you think you can survive this awful crisis on your own?
You may be wrong.
Even if your spouse is fully committed to saving your relationship, the chances of you forgiving and forgetting are low.
The first thing to do, even if it goes against your urges, is to learn how to deal with your painful emotions.
The second step is to learn how to survive an affair.
If you want your relationship to survive this, you need outside professional help.
This is a great place to start, it shows you exactly what to do if you want a chance of saving your relationship and restoring the honesty after his affair.
Don’t wait, do something NOW, before it’s too late.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
P.S
Want to know the odds of him cheating again?
The Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater Infographic:
- Shows you the odds of cheating again for each of the 7 Types of Affairs
- Gives you clues that tip-off whether they will cheat again
- Offer strategies that lower the odds of cheating again
- Presents revised odds for cheating again after breaking free from the affair
If you want the infographic, which examines all 7 types of affairs, plus additional important information, Go Here.
Resently…more like 3 days ago… my boyfriend purposely went and slept with a girl, who by the way contact him after 5 years when they worked together. He did this to actually hurt me because I’m struggling with an addiction, and I have to say he’s tried to help me an many ways. This was a good wake up call, but I feel so hurt. Was this right for him to do? Have I actually lost him? Now we’re both learning how to gain trust in one another, but the thing is, I’ve never cheated.
I don’t think it was right of him to cheat on you obviously. On the other hand you say yourself that it was a good wake up call and his other “waking you up” attempts didn’t work. It still doesn’t make it right, but I would look at the bigger picture and maybe try to ask yourself if this is a chance to improve your relationship from now on. I don’t think you lost him. The question is if this is worth saving – and only you can answer it.
Sooo tell me your thoughts on this …. Sorry its a long read, but I think the details are pretty important to base an opinion.You dated a guy casually and slept with him, 15 years ago, only reason you stopped dating was he was a young hot bachelor that wasn’t ready to commit, you were definitely more of the pursuer. Fast forward 3 years, HE realizes he “messed up” and tries to pursue you, only this time you give him a taste of his own medicine. Over all these years you stay in touch chatting online, including him telling you he wished you had gotten pregnant with him, not just once but a handful of times over the years even after he’s married … both of you got married, to other people, while still staying in casual contact. You quit responding because you feel like its not fair to your husband. He eventually gives up for a couple years …. and then out of the blue sends you a professional (work related, though you don’t work together) message with a “btw, how are you…” That turns into snap chatting about life, which led to reminiscing about the hot sex you used to have … he messages every time he’s traveling for work or his wife is out of town … he tells you how he still regrets letting you go, all the years ago! Btw, he moved out of the same town 10 years ago and within this year moved out of state. He ends up telling you he’s going to be a few hours away from you for work for the week…. As soon as he gets to the airport starts messaging you and then says he’ll see you at the destination airport followed a minute later by a “kidding” message. Gets to said airport and is like “had to catch an uber since you’re not here” … and it goes from there and eventually turns to sex and memories of what we used to do and what we like now and exchanging nudies (without faces, no evidence)… you decide to take the few hour drive and surprise him … he is COMPLETELY caught off guard but happy … invites you up to his room, says NOTHING can happen physically. You hang out genuinely talking for 3 hours, from everything to trying to solve your marital issues, to him saying how amazing you still look and if he was single he’d hit it and not quit it, to being so open and vulnerable about each others feelings for the other. You ask if you dreamt it or did you truly have such amazing chemistry. He says it definitely wasn’t dreamt its real AND still IS THERE!!! You ask if he’s worried about his marriage ending over talking. He says not at all its solid…. You call him out and ask, then WHY do you keep messaging and talking to me …. his response: “I don’t know. I’m trying! I care sooo much about you and look back on our times together so fondly. You’re the ONLY girl I’ve ever kept in contact with. I have strong feelings for you but our paths went different ways. If I weren’t married it would be completely different….” He also tells you how if he were to get a divorce he will loose his house, his job (not sure why), everything! He said it got real by me being there and some of your previous messages, which is why in the past he will quit messaging for a month or two. He suggests not talking on snap chat anymore but on another platform we both use for work, that should keep him out of trouble. You of course have a minor freak out and say you shouldn’t have gone because it ruined your friendship … he says “actually I think its the opposite!! I think it took things to the next level! We can talk about things that aren’t just sex!”
Soooo my question is, what does all of this even mean he wants and/or is gonna do?? You KNOW this is wrong, disrespectful, bad, and all of those things. This is the ONE person you ever truly had such amazing chemistry with, even more than your husband!! Last detail, you and your husband have been together 8 years. At least 5 if not more years your husband had an affair with 1 girl.
It seems clear to me that something is going to happen with you two in the near future, because I think both of you won’t be able to avoid it if you stay in contact. There’s a lot of built up passion here, strengthened by the fact that it’ forbidden and “wrong”. I think you know this too.
My husband of 5 1/2 years, has had 2 affairs already (we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 5 1/2). The first affair happened when our son was not even 7 months old and the second affair happened when our daughter was not even 3 months old. Both affairs happened after we had our children and both affairs happened with women that were my “friends”. I was struggling, both times, with caring for a new baby and I was breastfeeding both babies – he claims both affairs happened because I didn’t show him enough attention after the babies were born. (insert my rage-face here)
My husband has cut off all contact with the “other women”, he’s changed his phone number 2 times now (I’ve subsequently had to change mine as well because both women also had my phone number), he’s gotten counseling (both together and separate for both affairs). My problem is, he’s shown all of the signs above, remorse, no contact, open book, new rules, and I *thought* we were working on our communication issues, after the first affair happened. Now, fast forward not even 2 years later, and he’s saying and doing the same things to me after his second affair. I have a much harder time believing that he will change after this second affair. He’s sought therapy on his own from a therapist and this is the only thing that is different from the first affair.
My struggle right now, is that I’m also dealing with the passing of my father (it’s been almost a year). I’m so hurt by the fact that he cheated on me *after* he knew about the pain I was feeling from losing the most important man in my life. I’m so hurt by his selfish, heartless actions and careless attitude to our children and to me. Everyone tells me that he has a good heart, but I just have this feeling that its a facade and I don’t even know who he truly is. I’m at a point where I don’t even want to stay married, but I don’t want to leave for fear of only seeing my kids every other week (I can’t bear being a part-time parent). I’m really on the fence about staying married to him or divorcing him. I hate that this is what my life has come to – I never imagined in a million years that he’d do something like this once to me, let alone twice. I honestly feel like I’m just going through the motions every day. The only highlight of my days are spending time with my kids after I get home from work.
I truly feel that he’s cheated twice because of something that I’m doing (or not doing), even though everyone tells me that it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I don’t buy that. He consciously chose to have both affairs, but there must have been something that I did that made him WANT to have both affairs. I just feel as though I’ll never be able to provide him with that thrill, or passion, or reckless desire that he craves from these affairs.
Morgan,
I’ll start with telling you the same thing you’ve been told (and that you “don’t buy”): His affairs are not your fault.
On the other hand, the problems that you are having (and every marriage has problems) are both your fault of course. He has CHOSEN to deal with these problems by running away from them and looking for comfort outside the marriage.
You haven’t done the same.
Right now you are stuck. This is because you haven’t made a decision. You have to decide if you want to stay with him (even if right now only because you don’t want to away from your kids!) – Or divorce him.
If you decide to stay with him, you’ll have to do what ever it takes to find a solution to this serial cheating, because the hardest thing in the world would be staying together without working things out. It’s harder on you and will be harder on your kids – the ones you never want to hurt.
I can’t help you make this decision, only you can. But sitting on the fence, without making a real and honest decision – Is the worst way to go.
Ask for guidance from god/the universe. Try to remember your dreams – The truth is in them. Try to meditate, to be silent. The answer will come.
Hang in there, everything happens for a good reason. You’ll see what it is soon.
Marina,
As I see it, this is your opportunity to work on your self esteem and confidence. Take this time, when he looks for another job, to understand how perfect you are and that there is no one like you, and that you can’t be replaced, no matter who he sees when he punches his card.
The more confident you are the more attractive and irresistible you are, and no one can compete with you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
As we are rebuilding (only 3 months in in trying. so pretty recent)
the only thing that has been a block in our path is that this girl is his coworker
and although we are searching for new jobs and made a new resume for him. it can take months even years to make this move actually possible.
how can i move forward from this? they work in an office together and they have to see each other because of her desk being where he punches in and out of work. how do i do this?
Izzy,
I think that for an outsider “listener” for your story, it’s clear to see that the man you fell in love with has a deep emotional problem (of the addictive nature) and without therapy will keep hurting you over and over until you realize you have to let him go.
I know it may be difficult to handle, but if you have let yourself be treated so badly and still want to stay with him, something inside you unknowingly wants to be treated like this, and this is your chance to stop, focus on yourself and why you don’t seem to love yourself so much.
If you really loved yourself you wouldn’t have let anyone treat you like this, and I think you wouldn’t have been attracted to him in the first place.
I hope I haven’t upset you, just trying to help…
I wish you all the best that you deserve!
Lisa
I am a young girl who fell deeply in love with someone who kind of pretended to love me, throughout the relationship I found out he has cheated on me with 2 of my friends, but I completely denied the fact he had done this because of how I felt about him, i then went on to find out he has been speaking to over 200 different girls in facebook (that is not an exaggeration it was actually that many) along as getting them around to his house, paying for things for them, creating new relationships and bonds with these girls, it broke me completely in two, I am very controlled and do not live my life to the extent I would like as I’m ‘not allowed’ in my words, although I’m the one being treated badly I am stuck in this broken relationship with no way out, I feel locked in to someone who hurts me in so many ways, I’m badly manipulated and have been diagnosed with depression. I know this may not be a marriage affair but I really need some help and advice, I’m lost for what to do with myself now
My fiancé cheated on me when were living in the same country but I only found out after our relationship became a long distant relationship and a day before I was admitted to hospital and almost died. As you can imagine I was torn between the anger and almost dying and wanting him to be with me. I still love him…he blaims himself and takes full responsibility but when ask questions about the affair he avoids the question or takes forever to answer its really hard because its long distant his forver apologising and trying to be there as much as he can as I am still recovering. The relationship has almost ended so many times since I have found out about 3weeks ago.
I really do not know what to do because I asked for his fb n email account details n he kept procastinating about the fb. First started off that I am going to be going through his fb emails but at that time i lacked strength then he was like after me asking on several occasions that there is messages is from girls and he wants me to concentrate getting better.
I know this sounds awful and I know he was going to tell me about the affair when I was meant to visit this Christmas because I already had my supscions.
A long distant relationship is hard enough on its own but I am starting to think we cannot be saved because of the distance and its like its messing him up but I believe if I was there he could not avoid me and when I said this yesterday when instant messaging he couldn’t say anything back and later 4am in the morning instant messaged me a statement that made no sense and called me and then later in morning instant messaged how much he loves me.
I am really confused right now in the beginning i thought i could not deal with a break up because of my health but I am home now and I think I can now deal with it but deep down I don’t won’t it break it off
what do you do when your husband won’t tell you the truth and keeps saying he didn’t do anything but you have proof that he did? do you trust him or is he going to do it again? please help, i’m going crazy
If you have proof you should show him the proof. Even if he stormes out of the house (to win some time), he will eventually have to deal with the evidence. I don’t think it’s time to consider trusting him again when he it still lying. You are not done with the confronting phase yet. I just finished a helpful post about how to confront a cheater effectively, it will help you out, it’s right here: https://new.how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/
Thank you for this article, i found it helpful and will use it as a guide!