You keep hearing it in your head but you still can’t believe it.
“My husband cheated on me”.
Did this really happen to me?
When you first found out that your spouse cheated, the sense of betrayal was probably almost unbearable.
In a single moment, you were ripped from a life you’ve counted on and felt safe in. Your marriage and family are the foundation of your life. Could it all be gone now? What can you possibly do?
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How to Deal with the Pain of a Cheating Husband
More than anything, you just want it to go away. You want to restore the life that you knew, that you thought was safe, with the one you love.
How can you deal with the disappointment, the jealousy, the anger, the shock, the fear, the frustration and how do you pull out the knife that was stuck in your back?
Here’s my take on how to deal with the most common painful feelings that “attack” you after his affair:
#1 – How Could This Happen?
There are two ways to deal with this question: The first one is to cry it out. Let the tears run down your face, feel sorry for yourself and allow the grief to take over. But just for a while.
When the tears subside, take a deep breath and try the second way.
The second way is to try and answer this question by yourself: how did it happen? what were the events that lead to infidelity in your marriage?
This question is incredibly important.
#2 – How Long Has It Been Going On?
After the initial shock, you may start to feel foolish. How could I be so blind to the fact that dear husband is cheating? How could I be fooled like this?
If you feel like a dope for being lied to so “easily”, you are being too hard on yourself. It doesn’t say anything about your character and it has nothing to do with your intelligence.
An affair is a result of a long process. It’s hard to notice every little sign that an affair is about to happen and sometimes we just don’t want to see the signs.
We push away the concerns and suspicions because it’s the last thing we want to deal with.
#3 – Who Else Knows?
You may feel even more betrayed if you find out that other people knew about his affair before you did (and never told you).
Feeling like this is completely normal.
But right now you have to remember that this crisis is between you and your spouse, not between you and them. After that, try to give them the benefit of the doubt until you hear their explanation.
#4 – Can I Ever Trust Him Again?
The ultimate post-affair question. He has broken your trust and trust can not be restored once it’s broken, right?
Wrong. The truth is that you CAN trust again if your spouse learns to be totally transparent and demonstrate his willingness by showing you in other ways that he deserves your trust.
But this is a process that involves some critical steps and in my opinion – not something that both of you can do without professional help.
[yellowbox]If this is the hardest part in your journey to survive an affair – I highly recommend this free email series and marriage assessment to get you through it and get a renewed marriage – better than it ever was.[/yellowbox]
#5 – Is My Marriage Over?
Not necessarily. I’m saying this assuming that your spouse hasn’t picked up his things and left. That he chose you and keeps choosing you every day ever since this happened. That he insists he wants to solve this.
( Read: husband left me for another woman – what do I do?)
Your marriage or relationship isn’t over if you don’t want it to be. I’m living proof that you can save your relationship and even have a better one if you take advantage of this crisis and rebuild the honesty and the love – The right way.
No, you are NOT a doormat if you choose to stay with him. You are not a sucker and you are not making a mistake, and don’t let anyone poison you with these negative feelings.
But, and I can’t emphasize this enough, don’t try to do this on your own.
So many people attempt to survive an affair without some kind of professional help only to find themselves stuck in a vicious circle of anger, resentment, negative emotions, and mistrust.
The First Step is individual healing – understanding personal healing and sorting through your emotions (betrayal. disappointment, vengefulness, fear, paranoia, anger).
The Second Step is healing as a couple – working together to identify and resolve key issues in your relationship.
The Third Step is negotiating a renewed relationship – how to rebuild and sustain a new, loving, trust-filled partnership.
You can find exactly how to do all of this – in this free email series and marriage assessment.
I know you don’t believe me right now, but it is possible to put these painful emotions behind you.
It will the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but the truth is you have to come in contact with these feelings and explore them (again – the right way) before you can get past them.
Once you accept them, I assure you that you will be in a much better position to cope with them and eventually put them behind you.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
P.S
Want to know the odds of him cheating again?
The Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater Infographic:
- Shows you the odds of cheating again for each of the 7 Types of Affairs
- Gives you clues that tip-off whether they will cheat again
- Offer strategies that lower the odds of cheating again
- Presents revised odds for cheating again after breaking free from the affair
If you want the infographic, which examines all 7 types of affairs, plus additional important information, Go Here.
The biggest issue I’m having is feeling confident about myself, I just want to hide away and feel so awful no matter what I wear, how do I deal with the emotions of not feeling pretty or enough?
Been with husband for 30 years. Found out he has been having an affair with a woman who has 6 children and in and out of relationship with 2 of children’s father. He never told me I found out through her. Now he said it’s over but I can’t get over it. This is not the first time or second time. He left last week and no word to me just the kids. Is this hopeless and how do I move on after 30 years and now I’m old. I’m so angry
I m also in same condition and from India.I am alone and financially independent but emotionally tied with him, let me know any solution.
My husband of 33 yr has cheated on me with hookers over the past 4 yrs several times. When I found out it truly devasted me to the point where I wasn’t thinking right and tried to kill myself . It’s been 9 months I’m still with him but having a really hard time forgiving him and trusting . I’m angry all the time . I do still have feelings for him but they seem to be changing . He used to be everything to me and now not so much . I have poor health he says he did this just for sex because we weren’t sexually active due to my health .
Heather,
I don’t want to upset you, and I know it feels aweful, but for whatever it means to you – I believe him. You have to make a decision whether you believe him and want to give him another chance – or not. Staying in this undecisive state it hurting your health.
Joanna,
I just found out that my husband of two years (we’ve been together 7 total) has been having an affair with one of his Co workers for the past few months. I am 7 months pregnant with our first child. He insists that he never stopped loving me and wants our family but it never felt wrong. However he wants to keep our marriage and promises it was just him being a jerk( a much nicer term for what he really is ). How do I even start to trust him when he did this to me at what should be the happiest time of our lives? How can I have children with him again knowing that he betrayed me before?
Joanna,
There’s no law that says you have to hate a man once he ‘s cheated and we all know that it doesn’t work like that so please don’t beat yourself for feeling love – For anyone.
As for whether he will cheat again, here’s my post about how to know if he is a serial cheater, I hope it helps and hang in there..
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/serial-cheater/
Why would any of you want to be with someone who lies to you, treats you and your children like a piece of shit and has absolutely no respect for you or your family. It’s harder to walk away but why live a life of unhappiness with a selfish person who clearly only cares about themself. If theres problems, sort them out or leave. Only the lowest people cheat and i sure as hell wouldn’t want to waste my life away with one, why on earth would you want to live your life with demons over your shoulder, constantly wondering if he’d do it again whilst sending out the message to your children that its ok if he cheats because mums just ok to be walked all over & you could do it too.
I just need advice. We’ve been together for a year and recently told me he cheated on me at a bar and he was really “drunk”. I see how much he’s willing to do to make this work but how do I know he won’t cheat again? Will it ever be the same? Should I take this risk again? I don’t hate him and I ask myself why I can’t.. I love him and at this point I’m so confused.
My husband cheating on me two years ago and last friday i seen he had lipstick on his sleve. He said he doesnt know how it got there. I confronted him again states nothing is going on.but my gut says yea. He tells me that i am getting crazy that i need help. I tell him help me by giving u that trust again.he does want to help me. He says thats ur problem.I tell him that he did to me after 20yrs of marriage. He denies having an affair right now and please i need help
My husband left me while I was pregnant w our 5th child for an employee of ours. The things said and done are dreadful and he has returned after 9 mos and says he can’t explain why or how. But that he was not well. He wants forgiveness. He wants our family. But I don’t think I can forgive. I think about this daily. And still hurt.
Krystal,
It’s so normal to feel the way you do. You are afraid to give him another chance and to get hurt and betrayed again.
There are things you can do to relieve your pain and to stop thinking about this every day.
I think that the more you communicate about this, and the more truth you’ll get out of him, the more you’ll know if you can think about giving him another chance.
Here’s my post about the 10 most important questions to ask a cheating husband, to help you start with the healing, I hope it helps:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/questions-to-ask-a-cheating-husband/
My husband cheated throughout our 17 years of marriage, at least 5 times. One child was conceived. My trust is out the window, and so is the love. He is my husband, I tried.
Please give an honest response.
Thanks
Hi Brenda:),
My honest response is that I don’t know why you’re still with him. Is it for religious reasons? Financial reasons?
I don’t think I could have taken it for so long like you do. Honestly.
This is incredibly helpful for anyone who’s walked in your shoes, Lisa. I don’t know if you knew or not but I featured one of yours back a couple of WW linkups ago. You have such helpful and informative posts here!
I especially like how you encourage the betrayed to go through the emotions instead of around them. It’s very hard to do this but so necessary if you want to move past the pain and back into a healthier relationship. Thanks also for offering hope to those damaged by an affair. I have a friend who is going through the weeding out and healing after her husband’s affair and I’m sure she will find this so helpful! Thanks for joining Wedded Wed too. Always great to have you!
Such a great message to share. So many couples think it is over when someone cheats. I have had friends go through this and recover and their marriage is much stronger now because they got down to the root of issues in their marriage. Thank you for sharing this, it should save a lot of marriages. Kim Linking with Wedded Wednesdays.