My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me (What Can I Do?)

[yellowbox]Nothing can make you feel more invisible and lonely than being taken for granted.[/yellowbox]

My Husband Doesn't Appreciate Me (What Can I Do?)

You do everything you possible to make your husband happy, yet your hard work and efforts are left unnoticed at best, and criticized at worst?

My husband doesn’t appreciate me at all“, you cry inside as you wash his laundry, make his favorite meals, iron his clothes, take care of your kids and probably have a job just like him.

My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me – Why?

Believe it or not, just because your husband treats you like a piece of furniture around the house, does NOT mean that he doesn’t love you or care about you anymore.

If you want to stop being taken for granted and get the attention, respect and love that you deserve, now is the time to take action.

Doing the same things over and over again, giving more and more and expecting that something will change is the definition of insanity.

 Obviously trying harder is a road to nowhere. - No one ignores me quite the way that you do.

How to Make Your Husband Appreciate You

Instead of trying to be the perfect wife and trying harder and harder to please him – which he doesn’t notice – try a direct method of communication:

1. Tell it Like it Is

I’ve learned this life-changing tip from couples therapist Randy Bennett:

Men NEED their woman to be direct and assertive.

For example, if he asks you where you want to go for dinner, don’t say “I don’t know, whatever you want” and then sulk at dinner because he chose pit BBQ and you wanted Italian.

Say “My preference tonight would be for Italian. What’s yours?”

This gives him something to work with, instead of thinking later what went wrong and why you are hardly eating or talking to him.

This is just an example, but it applies to everything. Men need to be told directly what’s expected from them.

Don’t ever wait for him to GUESS what you want and what you need from him. He will never guess and you will only get frustrated and angry.

2. Avoid Basic Communication Mistakes

I can almost guarantee that if your husband doesn’t appreciate you, the way you communicate with him is all wrong. Men understand things differently than women and need to be communicated in a certain way.

Once you learn the simple ways to communicate with him the right way, you will discover how easily you can make him listen to you, respect you and re-discover how much he adores you.


18 thoughts on “My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me (What Can I Do?)”

  1. Useless post. I am very assertive, I come onto my husband, hit on him, tell him straight out what I want and he flat out turns me down. So what should I do? No one seems to have an answer for me. I sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and all I ask is a little attention or some intimacy and I get turned down. Regularly. While he never sacrifices anything.

  2. My case is almost the same as Fish farm – about 90%. I’d leave my husband if it weren’t me being unable to feed myself and the children. I’m half a stay-at-home mom I help my husband manage his business and when we make the wrong decisions, I share half or 90% of the blame but when I dig out my savings to help during difficult financial times he thinks it’s alright, because he has dumped in whole lot of money himself. Excuse me? For him to for out money for his own business is perfectly fine, but for me to use my own meagre life-savings isn’t. Let me tell you why. It’s not because I’m selfish. I am selfless with him. I have zero in my bank account now, to save our family/business.
    This business is started by him and he is always the main decision maker and has always been saying things like “my worst decision in my entire life is to marry you” or asking me to leave the house. How does that feel for a wife for has no sense of belonging in this home or marriage or future.
    He repeatedly claims to be the only person working to feed us all (2 kids and myself) paying for everything, which is true, but he seems to forget that I look after the children and house well so that he could be at work and completely focused at making enough money to sustain our living/lifestyle.
    Instead of treating me as a partner, he’s always commenting that I’m slow, I have no contribution, all sorts of shit.
    We are working towards the same goal – a better future. But I don’t feel like a team at all. Like whatever I do is nothing compared to him and I should be his punching bag that should take 100% blame for any bad things that happen.
    Whatever I do for him, it’s like it’s meant to be or I’m not doing enough. Whatever he’s doing for us, he thinks of it like he’s doing me a favor that he regrets.

  3. I hate the way a woman can do all she can possibly to do to put up with a passive aggressive jerk who never smiles or laughs or responds to conversation with anything but an unpleasant grunt.

    I am assertive and straightforward. At first i was the sweet little wife, oh honey i appreciate all you do you are so big and. strong and it would be so nice to spend time with you. Of course i don’t get that time or anything else i really wanted and after ten years like this (the man i married apparently died and was replaced by this jerk who i have also tried to love, but, yeah i guess i’m done. It’s my turn to “TRY to love *you* but yeah, i think i am just done.

    The fact is that ignoring me and being unpleasant at home every single weekend is abusive to both me and my daughter, and worse, she tells me he tries to be (as she says) so sweet when she is with him and no, she says, she does NOT like it, as his abuse is to all who surround him, pets, children, me….and my precious girl. She says it’s weird to her and for years she doesn’t want anything to do with him at home, and accompanies him out to stores only when he makes her. I am sure it must make her feel very confused and i don’t want her to think it is for anyone to ever treat her like that. I can’t even begin to imagine all the ways that is hurtful and abusuve to her.

    So i have given all i can give. I have tried and tried and tried every day for a decade to be pleasant and fun and i am assertive–passive aggression is not something i grew up with and i don’t know if i’ve wver seen anything quite so hideously ugly as passive- aggression, built as it is on fundamental emotional dishonesty, part of a major problem with integrity as well as intimacy. Let’s get real anout that–that is a big deal and pasdive aggresssion is kot some little communication problem–it is dishonest at the core, and cruel, and it requires continual lying about nothing being wrong etc, as well as little moments of pleasure when they see you rightly become outraged, though i do know neber to give him that pleasure, it makes me absolutely hate him.

    So i have given all i have. I am done giving. I am done with this marriage. If he wants to save it, he can work on being a decent human bejng first as i din’t want a husband who is a liar on so many levels i don’t even know about them all,

    And there’s this: I don’t think it is even a little bit reasonable to tell a woman in my situation to cater to that garbage from him,

    Yes, after a decade of trying to save it because of course i am economically trapped–what stay-at-home-mom isn’t completely trapped for the rest of her life?

    i tried to make the best of it, was able to firgive him fir the old physical abuse and everything else and it was nice for three weeks.

    But yesterday he threatened to physically abuse me again (something he actually had quit doing for many years). Something about that just told me i am done.

    Plesse stop telling women to try even harder. He can freaking leave if he isn’t looking on the internet to impove the way *he* treats *me.*

    Please help me.

    • I understand how you feel. Right now you are very angry though, and while it’s well justified, I wouldn’t make any decision when I’m angry. I’m not advising anyone to “put up” with anything, I am only saying that we don’t have any control on others’ behavior, we can only control our behavior and thoughts.
      When you are able to calm, when you grab a moment when you feel relaxed and clear-minded – than think about what’s right for you. If when you are calm – leaving this marriage feels good to you – it’s definitely the right thing to do. No doubt. And this is true for anyone.

  4. I have been married for 24 year with 4 kids and for last 3 years my husband is going through mid-life crices and he said he has no feeling for me and can’t not stand me I told him to leave but he has not left yet, he say out all night and sleep most of the days, if I call him to find out where is he or if he is ok
    He never picks up, he has being dressing like he is 21 years old
    I am still in live with him and worry about him I don’t know how to let go and now it’s affecting my health I have very High BP and just found out I had a slient heart attack and my kids told him and he thinks I am acting
    I want to say my marriage but don’t know how to please Help

    • Maryum,

      I’m sorry you have to go through this. 3 years is a long time for a mid life crisis, I think I wouldn’t necessarily define it as just a random crisis.

      I think he still loves you too and I think he still wants to keep his family and that’s why he hasn’t left.

      I don’t know how you try to communicate with him about this, but sometimes men just don’t react to the kind of communication women do. It just doesn’t get through to them.

      I think it’s not just a mid life crisis, I think something is really bothering him, I think he is at a turning point and doesn’t know what to do next, which keeps him ‘stuck” in his current situation.

      What ever you’re doing now, unfortunately, it’s not working (It’s not your responsibility to “fix” this, by the way, only HE can do that) so I would try doing the exact opposite.

      Here’s my post about how to communicate with your husband, just my opinion but maybe it couls help in a way:

      And in any case, try not to let this affect your health. It’s been going on for so long, maybe you can try to take it more easy, just for a little while, until you find a way to deal with it. Worrying about this (and elevating your BP because of it) is not going to solve anything, so why not just stop?

      I hope this helps on some way and hang in there. Try to relax. Remember that you are doing your very best.

      • Thank you for reply, before I realized this was his mid life cruises I was going crazy trying to figure out what was going one with him and I realized my daughter getting married had some kind of affect on him or something that was about 3 years ago and hope it would pass with time I just prayed a lot
        At this point I am giving up because for last six months I have been trying to stay quite and go along with it to keep me family going and trying to stay strong but I can I wish I can learn how to let go but I still stay up until me gets home worrying and praying for him to come home.

  5. My husband used to go out after work every friday with his pay check to drink with his friends and waist money we didn’t even have for.our kids. We moved to Texas and for 9 months everything was perfect and we wouldn’t even fight. Now been two times in this month that he goes to.drink with his coworkers. First time he waisted $200 dollars. This time he went to drink and he said he got robbed and they stole all his oay checked and he seem like he saying the true but it dont change he went to.drink when he promised he wouldn’t. I dont trust him and we have 3 kids. I dont know what should I do?

    • Jessica,

      I think there’s a deep problem with him that this is just a symptom of. Could it be midlife crisis? fear of losing his income? Fear of losing his friends and trying to “buy” them?

      It could be many things, and until you’re able to have an honest conversation about this, you’ll never get to the bottom of this and resolve this.
      If you’d like some help with how to talk to him about this and make him open up to you, this post will help:

  6. I feel like I do everything I can to make my husband happy & I do nothing to make him mad & I especially never nag. He not only doesn’t appreciate the good I do but he only notices the flaws in me, he actually find things to pick at me for & the worst is he will say what more he wants out of me & forgets I have wants to. When we’re talking about what we want its about what he wants & weekday I cld do more but I never heard him ask what I want or care to hear what I want. If I say what I want it goes back to me first being better at this or that or Don’t do this or that & maybe he’ll wna make me happy (not in words exactly but that’s what it boils down to) I agree communication is the next policy & so is honesty. For the example on where to eat I do say where I want to go & he doesn’t want to go there. Its like that w anything we do, any date we been on its what he wants to do & if we finally do what I want I’m given grief for it later like I wasnt worth doing it for. I also want support in some things I may choose to do the way I not only support him w any little thing but I show that support to the fullest no matter how small it may seem to be to me I then make it big & important. How do I get him to show & be supportive of me (maybe not the exact way I do cuz men&women show things differently) as much as I am of him? ?How do I get him to do things for me jst bcuz he jst wants to see me smile after how hard I work in trying to do things that I kno makes him happy in daily life & what he loves to do that r things I don’t prefer to do myself??? How do I not only get these things I need from my spouse but more importantly get my partner to want to do these things for me?

    • G.E,

      It seems proven by now that what you are doing (which is everything to make him happy like you said) is not working and not being reciprocated,

      The obvious answer is to stop doing what you are doing, Stop doing everything to make him happy and start doing everything to make YOU happy.

      You are obviously being taken for granted and some men need clear boundaries (like children) or they just do what ever they want and become completely selfish.

      Starting now, your first priority is you. Do what makes you happy and ignore his behaviour for a while. Take a step away from him. A little invisible break.
      Be happy without depending on him and how he feels.

      You’ll be amazed to see that he will copy your self respect and do the same, without saying a word to him about it directly.

      Good luck!

      • Thank you I will continue doing it, because u have confirmed that what I am doing will work. So far we r not on talking terms because I really got mad at him because he spends too much time playing ludo more like a cards game with friends who are way younger than he is. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do right from the cooking to all the house chores so I got tired of being taken for granted n of late I spend more time working on myself. I love animating so I spend more time on my computer doing something I love,creating interiors the way I visualize them and boy it makes him boil wen I sit on that machine. So, so far I want to thank you for your advise I will keep on doing what makes me happy.

  7. Yep, that was me when I was first married and I hated every minute of it! I finally woke up to the fact that my husband didn’t know how to read my mind. He needed me to be clear about what I wanted from him. Now, to be fair, I started this out with an attitude, so it didn’t go over very well. But once I got my attitude in check and asked with respect and kindness, I saw a huge change in him. And as you’ve so eloquently pointed out here, Lisa, it not only gets me what I want but improves the relationship. Great thoughts, my friend. And thanks so much for linking up with Wedded Wed! I hope to see you again next week!

  8. Love the call to action here! It’s interesting because most of the challenges in marriage can be found within the person asking the question. We tend to project on to our spouse our own flaws and shortcomings. But the person who is introspective first will find so many answers and will strengthen the marriage along the way.

  9. Such a wonderful post! Great advice! You are so right, it was when I stopped looking for what was wrong with my husband and focused on me and how I needed to be a better wife, that was when my marriage got better…and better. Thank you, so glad I found you through HWC link up!

  10. Nice post! 🙂

    A bit of assertiveness can do great wonders in a relationship, especially one that feels as though the spark’s already missing. Both husband and wife should each make an effort to make things exciting again, and have everyday be one that’s filled with constant surprises.

    Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club link up.


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