I Love My Husband But I Don’t Want Sex Anymore

low sex drive

I love my husband, but I don’t want to sleep with him.

We used to have sex all the time. I was passionately attracted to him, but now the thought of being intimate repels me.

Being with him alone is extremely stressful,  because he always makes advances on me. I hate having to hurt him every time he wants me.”

I think it started when I was pregnant with our first child. I gradually lost interest in sex, but I hoped it will come back to me after having our baby.

But it didn’t. Years went by and though I think our relationship is fine, I find myself running away from his attempts every time. Deep down inside I am afraid that my attraction to him is lost forever.

I am always concerned that he will cheat on me because of this and the concept of leaving scares me to death. We have a good relationship, until he wants sex.

Is it worth it for me to give up everything that I have with my husband and maybe could have because of one (very important) thing? How can I save my marriage?”

I received this mail from one of my readers, and I think she accurately describes one of the most common problems in a marriage.

Especially – marriage after children.

Can a Marriage Survive With Low Sex Drive?

You probably know that sex is one of the most important things in any marriage. If it’s been a long time since you (reluctantly) had sex with your husband, you probably forgot why.

The intimacy that you share afterward, the hugs and kisses, the lifted mood and jokes, the closeness and bonding that sex brings to a relationship.

And whether you like it or not (don’t shoot the messenger) – Men can’t go on for long without sex. Even if they can “technically” relieve their built up physical need by themselves,  it doesn’t replace sex – with someone else.

They will end up looking for it elsewhere – it’s just a matter of time.

The REAL Reason For Your Low Sex Drive

It’s one thing if you secretly despise your husband. In this case, it’s clear why you don’t want to be sexually intimate with him.

But it’s another thing if your marriage is doing o.k. and you still consider sex as another chore you have to do – after the dishes, before cooking.

Sure, low sex drive can be a result of many things: Menopause, libido reducing medication, pain during intercourse, decreased libido due to age, but…

But the most common reason for losing interest in sex is a troubled relationship. Even if you think that everything is o.k., you have ups and downs like everyone else – You probably sweep some stuff under the rug.

Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to deal with it. And you hope the problem will solve itself.

But I Can Assure You – This Problem Won’t Solve Itself.

• Maybe he hasn’t been an equal partner in raising your children. Maybe this disappoints you day after day.
• Maybe you feel he is selfish and doesn’t much care about your needs.
• Maybe you feel that sometimes he doesn’t “see you”.
• Maybe he cheated. Or has otherwise deeply hurt you in the past. You think you forgave him, but you didn’t.
• Maybe he was unfaithful or almost unfaithful and you can’t put it behind you.
• Maybe you are tired and exhausted and he doesn’t help as much as you think he can.

These feelings are all signs of a troubled marriage.

And a troubled marriage can lead to a reduced sex drive.
At least with women. Men can feel the same kind of frustration and still want to have sex every day. They are different.

How to Prevent Him From “Getting It” Elsewhere

When it comes to your low sex drive – you can run, but you can’t hide. You’ll need professional help. You can’t wait a minute longer if you want your marriage to last.

The first step in preventing him from looking for it outside is to show him that this problem is equally important to you. That you want to solve this.

And in my opinion, these are your options:

1. Sex therapy – this is supposed to be an obvious option, but I don’t know how helpful a sex therapist is – for solving underlying marriage problems.

2. Marriage counseling – look for a local marriage counselor that is highly recommended by other people. The disadvantage is the high cost and lack of privacy.

4. Marriage Saving Programs – this is counseling without counseling.

[yellowbox]📢 I recommend the Marriage Fitness program, just because I personally used it with great success in my marriage.[/yellowbox]

No matter what you choose to do – Just do it! Take the first step. Call a sex therapist, a marriage therapist; consider the marriage saving program, just sign up for a free newsletter – whatever – Do something, before it’s too late.

Rooting for ya,


What do you think? Can a sexless marriage survive?


13 thoughts on “I Love My Husband But I Don’t Want Sex Anymore”

  1. I’ve given up hope of ever having sex again in my 44 year Christian marriage. I’ve had no sex for 14 years ( ever since before my wife had chemo).
    My wife has been heavy since childhood and never liked her body. Fast forward to 2 children, stretch marks and varicose veins. To top it off, she lost both breasts to cancer mentioned earlier so don’t touch me, undress behind closed doors and quickly get under the sheets.
    We saved ourselves for each other for after the wedding, honoring God with our courtship and wedding. Sex starting out was OK but the only time she was really interested was to get pregnant with our two daughters. Other than that, sex was something to endure, a real nuisance! I remain faithful as God only approves sex within a marriage. We never argue about it lacking but it is a huge disappointment to me. Maybe God can take away my libido to make it more tolerable!

      • I often think about people who are happily married in their 80’s or 90’s. Sometimes the elderly don’t have the best mobility. I’ve watched some senior family members who were still married struggling to get up to go to the bathroom. I doubt sex is a super high priority for them Holding hands or kissing serves as their intimacy. So, is sex really necessary to be in a happy marriage? Everyone is different but I do think at some point in our lives, the human body changes and so does our need for sex. Marriage can be so much more than sex.

  2. I’ve been married 16yrs. We have a 9yo daughter. I found out a year ago he was cheating on me in various ways for at least 8yrs. The last woman I believe was emotional heading towards sexual. Since then he has apologized and become a full participant in the family. Took up a hobby. Tells me he wants me etc.
    Prior to D day, we had sex once a month. Lots of anger on my part bc of him not helping at home. We agreed to work on the marriage. I asked him how often he wants sex. He told me 3x/week. But we only manage once a week. I offer more than before but he says that he is tired. When we are intimate it seems to me he focuses hard on my orgasm, but when it comes time for penetration, he defers to me. I understand that I am still in PTSD mode, but why do I feel like he’s not into sex with me? Like he’s going thru the motions? WHY DOESN’T HE WANT IT MORE OFTEN?? Is this a sign that he really doesn’t want me? Or that he’s seeing someone else?

    • Jenny,

      I don’t know if it’s a sign of either of these, but it does feel like there are still unresolved issues between you that interfere with your intimacy.
      I don’t think you should ignore your intuition, because it’s always right. If you feel that something is up, it probably is.

      I would suggest talking about it with him, while trying to avoid accusations, in a calm manner, and see what he says about this.

  3. I do love my husband, we are best friends. We have been married 17 years. We have two kids and a great life…but we don’t have sex. It’s been almost a year. The last couple months we’ve even stopped kissing hello/goodbye. I don’t know what to do…help?

    • Mj,

      When you say we’ve stopped having sex…which one of you is not interested? You? him? both of you? This is of course important…
      Have you talked about it? What has come up when you talked about it?

  4. Amelia,

    You’re right about this. I didn’t consider the asexual community when I wrote this post, and of course this problem deserves a whole different post.

  5. Charity,

    It was really hard for me to read your story right now.

    I’m so sorry you’ve gone through everything you’ve told me, especially your illness.

    I’m a big believer in the mind-body connection and I think that your illness may be greatly affected by your state of mind and your obvious low self esteem and self worth feeling.

    I would stop having sex without a sex drive. Now. Forcing yourself to do this, without any intimacy or love in it, seems impossible to me, and can’t be good for you.

    He sounds like a man who lives in fear of lost ALL THE TIME (losing his achievements, his youth, his social status, everything) and completely driven by nothing but his ego.

    But he and his needs and ego don’t matter. YOU matter!!

    He may be who he is, but it is YOUR decision to accept his behaviour and go along with it!

    Please don’t!

    Your body is screaming at you to change your life. To focus on YOU. to heal your soul.

    Your path to recovery lies in focusing on yourself – What YOU want, what YOU need, what makes YOU feel good.

    If you can’t do this while living with him, I would definitely do it without him.

    It’s just my opinion and I’m no expert, but you deserve so much better. God put us here to love ourself. We can’t love wnyone else before we achieve that.

    I am praying that you find the courage to start NOW. Change your life. Stop living HIS life and HIS needs. Make a list of thing that make you feel good, that make you feel healthy, be with people who love you just the way you are, feel that you DESERVE!

    I highly recommend that you read Louise Hay books – Especially “You can Heal Your Life” that has changed my life and will teach you why lack of self love has got you where you are at this point.

    Please start today. Now, Before it’s too late. Your children need you.

    I send you hugs and love and pray for you.


  6. Hi. I understand what the author of this letter is getting at. I also love my husband, but don’t feel attracted to him anymore, especially after we had children, 8 years ago. I just found out last year that he had been with multiple partners over the course of 4 years. He says he didn’t intend to or plan to cheat on me, however, there was a lot of planning in order to have a long term (3 year) affair with one of them and also with the others. I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and had a life saving surgery and ended up with a colostomy bag, the year after he started cheating on me. Before my diagnosis, he got a job in another city and started going to graduate school in the same city. After my surgery and enduring so much agony and pain, he continued to cheat on me, even during very brutal chemotherapy. Sick as a dog, I was solely responsible for my young children, and didn’t have much outside help. He wouldn’t even postpone his schooling or attempt to find a job in the city where we lived. He only came to one of my chemo appointments and stayed on his laptop the whole time. He called me to come to my last appointment (12th round of chemo), but he went to the wrong hospital and called to ask me where I was?…I continued to have sex with him at least once a week while I was very sick and in pain. It got to the point where I had neuropathy so bad from chemotherapy that I was barely functioning. It even hurt to touch my bedsheets, but he insisted on having as much sex as possible. It was very painful!! There was no intimacy, a lot of tension, and bitterness between us, but he continued to want sex from me and continued to have sex with others while he was out of town. I suspected that this was the case, but had no evidence and continued to buy into his lies. I always felt I was being lied to and I saw many of his morals slip away during this time. I was rediagnosed one and a half years later with metastatic cancer in my brain and lungs. He felt very detached, but he also told me he was changing at this time. So during my second 8 month battle with brain surgery and chemo, he continued to find excuses to travel with business, although none of it was necessary. I was so hurt I would lie on the floor on the side of my bed while he was gone and cry. He never wanted to sacrifice for me, unless he thought someone would look down on him. He blames his affairs on me never wanting him and seeking acceptance and being a “free spirit”. He has a very high sex drive and I don’t have one at all. I think all of the chemo makes it worse, but he would never buy into that, since he thought I never wanted him before it all started. I feel like a lot of it is that we are so different in our values and I continue to stay irritated by his lack of maturity and lack of intimacy. He has expressed to me that until we were married, girls were always throwing themselves at him, and he though we would just want to throw ourselves at each other, without having to feel guilty about it. Sometimes I wonder if he has a sexual addiction because he stays irritable and frustrated when he doesn’t get as much as he needs. I am trying to stay with him, since he says he’s changed, but sometimes I’m afraid that I’m not seeing the writing on the wall. I try to make mental decisions to have sex, since I have no sex drive, but I continue to be in pain over what he’s done, so it’s difficult for me to even want to get in the mood. I’m concerned that if his “changing” is just for me and to prevent me from divorcing him and therefore, losing his status in the community, which is what he constantly focuses on…achievement. I’m worried that we will be dealing with the same problem down the road or he will just keep secrets from me even better. I’m at the point, that I don’t know if we can save this from the damage that has been done, especially with this all happening during my sickest times. He continues to put all of his time into climbing the corporate ladder. Although he’s trying to balance his achievements with family life, it is impossible sometimes. I am working towards full forgiveness, but some of the same problems still remain…our differences in our concepts of intimacy and sex drive and our differences in what we value…I value simple life and relationships, since I have almost lost mine and have been told I have a limited time to live. He values sex, making more money, and striving to be in a CEO role. I have many rough days when I can’t decide if I should continue to try in our marriage. I would value your opinion on my situation.

    • I have horrible pain full sex, I am the reson he cheated, I have tried many things, I am thinking of calling my doc for some meds to repair tissues and things that menopause took from me, he cheating is a reason too I knew it was going to happen,


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