I love my husband, but I don’t want to sleep with him.
We used to have sex all the time. I was passionately attracted to him, but now the thought of being intimate repels me.
Being with him alone is extremely stressful, because he always makes advances on me. I hate having to hurt him every time he wants me.”
I think it started when I was pregnant with our first child. I gradually lost interest in sex, but I hoped it will come back to me after having our baby.
But it didn’t. Years went by and though I think our relationship is fine, I find myself running away from his attempts every time. Deep down inside I am afraid that my attraction to him is lost forever.
I am always concerned that he will cheat on me because of this and the concept of leaving scares me to death. We have a good relationship, until he wants sex.
Is it worth it for me to give up everything that I have with my husband and maybe could have because of one (very important) thing? How can I save my marriage?”
I received this mail from one of my readers, and I think she accurately describes one of the most common problems in a marriage.
Especially – marriage after children.
Can a Marriage Survive With Low Sex Drive?
You probably know that sex is one of the most important things in any marriage. If it’s been a long time since you (reluctantly) had sex with your husband, you probably forgot why.
The intimacy that you share afterward, the hugs and kisses, the lifted mood and jokes, the closeness and bonding that sex brings to a relationship.
And whether you like it or not (don’t shoot the messenger) – Men can’t go on for long without sex. Even if they can “technically” relieve their built up physical need by themselves, it doesn’t replace sex – with someone else.
They will end up looking for it elsewhere – it’s just a matter of time.
The REAL Reason For Your Low Sex Drive
It’s one thing if you secretly despise your husband. In this case, it’s clear why you don’t want to be sexually intimate with him.
But it’s another thing if your marriage is doing o.k. and you still consider sex as another chore you have to do – after the dishes, before cooking.
Sure, low sex drive can be a result of many things: Menopause, libido reducing medication, pain during intercourse, decreased libido due to age, but…
But the most common reason for losing interest in sex is a troubled relationship. Even if you think that everything is o.k., you have ups and downs like everyone else – You probably sweep some stuff under the rug.
Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to deal with it. And you hope the problem will solve itself.
But I Can Assure You – This Problem Won’t Solve Itself.
• Maybe he hasn’t been an equal partner in raising your children. Maybe this disappoints you day after day.
• Maybe you feel he is selfish and doesn’t much care about your needs.
• Maybe you feel that sometimes he doesn’t “see you”.
• Maybe he cheated. Or has otherwise deeply hurt you in the past. You think you forgave him, but you didn’t.
• Maybe he was unfaithful or almost unfaithful and you can’t put it behind you.
• Maybe you are tired and exhausted and he doesn’t help as much as you think he can.
These feelings are all signs of a troubled marriage.
And a troubled marriage can lead to a reduced sex drive.
At least with women. Men can feel the same kind of frustration and still want to have sex every day. They are different.
How to Prevent Him From “Getting It” Elsewhere
When it comes to your low sex drive – you can run, but you can’t hide. You’ll need professional help. You can’t wait a minute longer if you want your marriage to last.
The first step in preventing him from looking for it outside is to show him that this problem is equally important to you. That you want to solve this.
And in my opinion, these are your options:
1. Sex therapy – this is supposed to be an obvious option, but I don’t know how helpful a sex therapist is – for solving underlying marriage problems.
2. Marriage counseling – look for a local marriage counselor that is highly recommended by other people. The disadvantage is the high cost and lack of privacy.
4. Marriage Saving Programs – this is counseling without counseling.
No matter what you choose to do – Just do it! Take the first step. Call a sex therapist, a marriage therapist; consider the marriage saving program, just sign up for a free newsletter – whatever – Do something, before it’s too late.
Rooting for ya,
What do you think? Can a sexless marriage survive?