Should you confront the other woman?
It took blood, sweat, and tears to get my husband to tell me about the other woman.
This was days after he admitted to having an affair with her. A 6-month affair to be exact. But he did everything he could to avoid spilling out her name.
When he finally did, I spent the next three nights fully awake, agonizing about one question:
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Should I Confront the Other Woman?
Should I confront her?
I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurt beyond belief.
On the one hand, I wanted to tell her off. I spent hours trying to come up with the perfect remark to deliver along with my poisoned umbrella tip.
On the other hand, I wanted to meet her. To see what this woman has that I don’t. To get all the affair details from her. I wanted to know how she could sleep at night. Was she married too?
I found her number on my husband’s phone and I called her.
2 seconds later I hung up. Something stopped me.
I had a feeling that this would be a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life.
Do you think about contacting her right now?
What do you think you’ll gain from this?
1. Telling Her Off?
What would you say to this woman, that you probably hate?
Unless this woman has no idea that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for, she knows exactly what she is doing and has devised all kinds of rationales, a brick wall guarding her against anything you have to say.
She has convinced herself that your marriage is ending. That you don’t give him what he needs. That you’re crazy.
“Stay away from my husband you @@#$$% !!” – you’ll scream at her.
And you’ve validated her assumptions: you are nuts.
In her eyes, she is “saving” your husband from a marriage of misery.
And she will tell you this. She will tell you why your husband cheated with her. She will tell you things (that even though are complete lies) will scar you for life.
Considering this, telling her off will not make her develop a conscience; it will only make you feel pathetic. Stuck with the memory of this conversation forever.
He is having a middle-life crisis affair? see how to cope with his midlife crisis affair
2. How Could She Do This?
If you’re just curious about how this woman could engage in an affair with a married man, skip it.
Think about it. To stay in an affair with a married man for any length of time, you have to take a long leave from your senses.
Either she suffers from low self-esteem (Remaining a side dish for who knows how long?) or she is a flaming narcissist (rules don’t apply to them).
My point is – who cares?
Take your flashlight and point it at your spouse.
Why did HE do it? Then point it to both of you and ask – how did this happen to YOU two?
Read: The 7 types of affairs (why they happen, and how to best deal with them)
3. Getting the Truth about the Affair?
Another common reason to contact the other woman is to get the whole truth about the affair.
See the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse
You may think that your husband is lying about it. Or is not telling the whole truth.
(And you’re probably right).
How did the affair start? Who initiated it? What did he tell her about you? About your marriage?
You want to know everything. And you want to know what your husband is still not telling or lying about. You can’t help it.
But let me assure you: You won’t get the truth out of her.
Just like your spouse, her story will be adjusted to her beliefs, and her side of things and you’ll only get the twisted leftovers of the affair details.
She is not your friend, and she will not try to help you.
Plus, to get this information, you’ll have to appeal to her sense of humanity. You’ll have to force yourself to be classy and beg her to talk to you “woman to woman”.
What a boost to her ego.
And for what?
To get the truth about the affair, talk to your husband. There are ways to get the truth out of him – It’s easier than you think.
6 Questions to Ask the Other Woman (If You Can’t Help Yourself)
If you are determined to go this route because you think you need closure or to understand why, or your spouse does not answer your questions, here are a few questions I would ask:
- Is the affair over?
- How did you start seeing my husband?
- Did he talk about our marriage with you?
- What did he tell you about me?
- Are you in love with him? do you feel like you know him?
- Are you married or in a relationship?
But I remind you:
She has just as many reasons to embellish the truth as your husband does (if not more) and she will often package things to make her less responsible and your husband more so.
My Conclusion
To this day, I’m so happy I didn’t contact the OW.
I saved myself from feeling pathetic, begging for information, and helplessly pleading for humanity.
I prevented a gigantic ego boost both for her and for him (Two women fight over me? Great! I must be such a man!)
And most importantly, I realized that it is pointless.
I should focus on myself and him. I should focus on healing myself from his affair, and then healing our marriage to prevent this from ever happening again.
She has nothing to do with it. She has nothing to do with us.
If your husband wants to engage in an affair or leave you for another woman, no amount of rage or rationale will prevent that.
Don’t call her to tell her off, beg or plead. Get her out of the equation and focus on you and him.
Here’s what to do if your husband left you for another woman.
If you don’t know if you can ever trust him again – here’s how to regain the trust.
Confronting the other woman? A pointless exercise. Pointing a finger and laughing? Definitely. Go right ahead.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
He says she is a friend. He says she knows he is married. Why is she with him?
I’ve had to deal with the ex of my brother-in-law having an affair with my husband. She lied to me on behalf of my husband to cover up their affair. Unfortunately, I did contact her and everything in this article is true. Moral rules don’t apply to her and somehow in her eyes, everything was everyone else’s fault even though she was the other woman. I wish I would have read this sooner. She knew what she was doing, she knew we were married, if she had any moral sense she wouldn’t have participated in the affair so expecting her to tell me what happened or even care about how much it hurt me is unrealistic.
I just found out a sexting relationship did not end when it was said to have been a “one time thing” with my SO’s coworker. We are about to have our second child together (like in 5 days!) and she bought us a gift. I have every intention to send her $ back and a thank you note just acknowledging I know about everything and that I want nothing from her. I acknowledge it is a two-person situation but that I need to focus on my family now. To be honest, it is more about feeling bad for her. She is in a marriage that is unloving and also has a bf. Do I send it or no? My SO is also dealing with mental health issues and has yet to apologize for his infidelity, he is more upset than I found out due to looking at his iPad. He will be delivering the thank you notes so I can only assume she will show him what I wrote. Do I show him first? I am at a loss. We are in couples therapy already but with the impending birth, we do not have any sessions scheduled.
My husband and I will be married for 20 years this year. I recently discovered he has been FB messaging a few different women when I am not around. I hacked into his FB messenger account so I could see all the messages going in and out. He mainly spoke to one woman but there was never anything sexual. I confronted him about it and he admitted to talking to them but tells me that he had never done anything with any of them. He deleted his Fb account, Snapchat, and their phone numbers from his phone. I know the other women. The main one I went to college with and we are friends on FB. I am contemplating if I should message her or not to let her know that I know and basically tell her to never message or call
Him again! Does anyone have any advice?
what did you do? I had something similar happen and I am so unsure what to do?
Hell yes!!! I say confront her, or her spouse which is what I did! I have no regrets. Now I know her husband feels like I do and she is being held accountable for her actions! As I stated previously, I have NO regrets!
Same here no regrets at all. Her husband had every right to know.
I am a wreck. H has been having an ea and sexual affair for 1-2 years. This is second time, same ow. He blames me and does not want to deal with his emotions because they are negative. He is slowly rewriting history. Meanwhile his ow recently separated and has tried to check out my social media. I checked hers out during first ea. She is a hypocrite, posting supportive women memes (we got to stick together) and catholic values memes. Worst kind of woman. H is still in a fog and I mourn the loss of the good man he once was.
I wanted to contact the OW and rip her a new one because I was humiliated and hurt. She was also married and I found out from her husband. He and I chatted a couple of times, but never shared details. I wanted to ask her for details because I felt like my husband wasn’t being 100% truthful. I decided at the end of the day I had already lost so much dignity, I’d be damned if I was going to beg her to give me info. I did run into her and her husband at a store one day only weeks after it happened. In a moment of weakness, I did tell her she made me sick. I wanted to punch her in the face, but I didn’t. I simply told her she made me sick. She sheepishly looked away and those are the only words I ever spoke to her.
My husband and I had some very hard conversations and he shared details that I thought would make my heart stop beating. We went to counseling and we are working through it together. It’s not easy, it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced.
At the end of the day I am glad I didn’t get into a confrontation with her. I didn’t really need her side of the story. I’m married to him, he’s the one that matters to me, not her. So maybe there are a few details missing, but with what he shared, I feel pretty confident that it’s as close to the truth as I would have ever gotten, if anything, he likely shared more than she would have.
I did confront the OW. Months after DD. I don’t regret doing it, but I do regret not saying everything I needed. IF you do it, bring cliff notes so you never have “what if” moments. It was a combination of fearing what she could tell me and seeing her for the pathetic she is. I REALLY pitied her and held back a lot. She was self righteous and literally said EVERYTHING (to the word) in every article I read against confronting the OW. She even questioned my love for him because she “loved him enough to walk away” —would I do the same? Um, no. I was there. He walked out of the apartment and never looked back. I’m his family. I’m the mother of his children. She was a side piece. She knows it and karma will come back for her. So, if you confront the OW, bring notes, say everything you need to say, don’t believe a thing she has to offer and close the door on that chapter. Or, remember she doesn’t mean anything to your marriage. Best to treat her as she is – unimportant and forgettable.
I haven’t contacted the other woman yet it’s been a year and a half. I came face-to-face to her one time and she babbled like an idiot I just looked at her and walked away, however what I really plan on telling her- since this was an emotional affair based on Sexting and they became very emotionally engaged it was one step short of the next phase when I happened to catch them.I plan to tell her that I had to make my husband stop talking to her and blocking Her on his phone and all social media, because he was sharing all of their Sexting with all of his friends and making her look like a foolish, laughingstock idiot- and even though I was angry but she was trying to hurt Me (because she was a narcissist and somehow I had insulted her- she had been a acquaintance of mine) however even though she was trying to hurt me by thinking she could steal him he was making her look like an idiot and I felt sorry enough for her to make that stop. All his friends that had friended her on social media or making fun of her behind her back and I did not think anybody deserved that. This of course is a complete lie but I’m still so pissed off I want to hurt her as badly as I was hurt. And by the way after I ran into her the last time I told my husband that I said this to her.
It’s been 8.5 years since my husband’s year and a half sexting/emotional affair. (I got a lot of hate for thinking that “this” was an affair…I discovered it before they actually had the physical act. It hurt just the same )
I never did confront her and after reading this…SO GLAD I DIDN’T!! You’re so right. I’m not going on her level! Great article by the way!!!
I did get to meet her face to face though, one day at work. She had to be in the same place I was working. I walked right up to her and softly touched her shoulder and apologized that she had to be around me because it must be very awkward…BOY DID THAT FEEL GOOD! Kindness wins every time. Lol. But was I??? That was a small dig…and then I walked away with great confidence!
My husband and I wrote her a letter too. I had it hand delivered it to her. It was saying that I knew about them and if she ever talked or texted him again, she husband would I would know. I also took some blame on not being there for my man, and planned to be now! (I found out that my husband was feeling insecure about me going to school…he had other problems too) My husband wrote her too, apologizing for hurt me and that he loved me and would not be contacting her again)
We hardly ever she her and my husband and I was very happy. It took a TON of work but it was WAY WORTH IT!!
I have thought about contacting the ow. I feel only pity for her. She is selfish, has low morals and can not be trusted. Would anything I have to say to her make any difference in my life? No, she is in a place where only God can reach her. There is nothing I can do or say to her. She has had affairs with other married men. She has done a great job of rationalizing what she does as right. She just has my pity.
I’ve been contemplating contacting the OW. My husband had an emotional affair for about a year. She and I had talked a few months back and she kept saying she’s happily married. About a month ago I found a hotel receipt. My husband said it was a one time mistake and it’s over. He even called her on speaker to prove his story. My reason for wanting to contact her is to tell her I know and that if she ever contacts my husband again I’ll show her husband the proof. Thoughts?
I think that it’s not necessary. If he spoke to her on speaker she probably knows that you know. I’m sure her husband knows by now also. By the way, telling her husband does not guarantee that you’re “all clear”… I would stay out of it, but it’s just my opinion. Do what you feel is right.
What if I already made the mistake of calling her? I was drunk and very angry, my SO had just moved back home and I suspected he was lying to me about their breakup. We were sleeping together again and I just needed to know if things were truly over with them. She let me know some things and I let her know that we had been intimate which made her upset…and I was glad. Where do we go from here? He was very angry at me at first for doing this but he seems to have gotten over it. I don’t know if that’s because she has forgiven him or maybe he just realizes he’s a jerk. Any advice for someone who’s already screwed up and made this mistake?
Just push the restart button and decide to not approach her again from now on. This is only between you and him anyway.
I confronted the other woman by texting her. I just told her what my she and my husband had done (emotional affair) had devastated me. Just that. No anger. Just raw emotion. Never expected any reply from her. Well what a motor mouth.
I wanted her to know that I was a real person, a good person. I wanted her to feel my pain. I don’t feel she was a bad person. She believed everything my husband told her about us and me. I proved him wrong. That’s why I confronted her. Op’s need to know that the betrayed spouses are living, breathing people and NOT psycho bitches. Really women out there, when someone is married, they’re married!!!
So where do you and your husband stand now? I’m in a situation and want to contact the lady. When I confronted my husband about the texts he said “idc if you contact her, I apologized and told you nothing happened ” what should I do? I want to contact her but don’t want it to backfire. I said I forgave him but my gut is telling me to contact her.
IMO, you should contact the OW. But, don’t come from a place of anger or payback. Just be direct with her that you don’t trust what you’ve been told by your SO and tell her something like “since I left him I just need to know what really happened between you guys”. Appeal to her in a way that makes her look like she’s “helping” you out so you get the truth from her side. Or you can try the “I know what happened between you guys” and hope she is a blabber mouth so you get the truth and it doesn’t backfire. I’m all for confronting in a non threatening way. Good luck, let us know what happens.
I had to confront the OW. She was my best friend…a part of our family, really. And recently divorced. Funny thing is, right after her divorce, I told my husband to be careful. I knew the two of them were friends, we were all very close. However, problems in our marriage became their point in conversation one night when he was fixing something on her car. One thing led to another, and they were physically involved with each other for a little over a year. I suspected it for a long time but had no proof. I confronted her about 24 hours after I confronted him. They pretty much gave the same story…but I could tell that a few things she said to me were stabs at me. She was pretty obviously more involved in the affair than he was. It felt good to ask her some things….and it hurt to hear some things too. But, I am glad I confronted her. I HAD to, she was my best friend. I wish it had been someone I didn’t know. Because I am constantly comparing myself to her. It’s a much different situation when you know the OW…
I too understand how it feels to be cheated on with a close family member. I confronted the OW and she told me some hurtful things. I believe she was always jealous of my marriage because hers didn’t work out because she had cheated repeatedly on her husband. When I found out about the affair I was crushed…I’m still hurting because she’s a close family member and I never thought this would happen to me. My husband is in denial about what happened and claims he doesn’t remember somethings she said happened. We’re trying to reconcile but it’s hard when you don’t have all the truth.They had both a emotional and possible physical relationship….
Mine had a full blown love affair with a friend of ours for at least 6 months before I found out. I had just found my birth family (I was adopted as an infant) well I was so absorbed with it that I failed to see what was happening to us. Part of me now thinks I didn’t want to see or know it because life certainly changed once I knew for sure. He’s back home with me now but I’m still so suspicious about them. I’m in an emotional rollercoaster. I’ll be okay for a few days and out of nowhere I rage and then cry uncontrollably and stay angry for days. He thinks I should just get past it. I really don’t believe I ever will. He was my hero, my rock. I believed we were going to grow old together. They pulled the rug out from under my whole life and everything I believed about it. I wouldn’t wish how I feel on my worst enemy. Not even her….
I did confront the ow because I went to her house to inform her husband and while I was telling him she wanted to know what was going on. She didn’t say anything. She just stood there. She couldn’t say anything because I recovered all their deleted text and had the proof. She was a friend.
Amber,
It’s twice as awful when a friend is involved. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Where do things stand now?
Things with the friend of course are no longer. I do not have any hate for her though. Things with my husband are going great. We are in marriage counseling. He was very remorseful. We do some activities from marriage builders, all though I’d like to say I am not to fond of some of the things that I have learned marriage builders say to do. It’s like they would like you to lock the cheating spouse in the house, just so they never cheat again. I will not do that, he needs the be able to rebuild that trust I lost for him.
How do you recover deleted texts? I am currently in this same situation.
How do you recover their deleted texts messages? I probably shouldn’t look, but I feel that’s the only way I’m going to figure out how deep their emotional connection was/is… that’ll determine how I move forward with my marriage.
Download phone recovery software on a computer and connect the phone to it. There are a few ok free ones, maybe better ones that you need to pay for
I never did either and I still won’t because honestly I feel bad for her. It took me a long time to admit that but my purely rational side always felt that way. He broke my heart but he used her and she came back for more thinking that was going to change. It’s pretty pathetic.
Kind of like he broke YOUR heart ….. you came back for more … and you think he’s going to change .
Let me guess you stayed with him. Some might say that was pathetic. I guess it all depends on perspective doesn’t it?
I agree with you. Don’t contact the OW. Not only will her story be skewed, but she isn’t the one who’s married. He is! Too many couples look outside their marriage to solve their problems. He looked outside his marriage to solve his, and now the wife is tempted to look outside her marriage (to the other woman) to solve hers. The point is an affair happened. It really doesn’t matter when, for how long, or even why. The root is the same no matter the “why.” Someone looked outside their relationship to fill a void that existed IN the relationship. Big mistake. So choose whether you’ll stay or not. Forgive either way. And look at fixing what’s broken in YOU.
i absolutely agree!!! He is the married one. when you have problems in your marriage sort it out with you SO. If you go running to someone else you never really loved you SO. just my opinion
“Take your flashlight and point it at your spouse. Why did HE do it?”
That’s it in a nutshell. There will always be someone that a spouse can have an affair with, if they choose to. It’s not about the OW or OM…it’s about a major character flaw or major mistake by your spouse.
And the question to be answered is not, “How did this happen?” or “What does the OW or OM offer that I don’t?” The question is to be answered is, “Is this marriage worth trying to salvage?” And that’s a question that only the two people in the marriage can answer…and if either party believes it to not be worth the effort, then it’s not.
Thank you for good discussions on a difficult topic!