I can’t believe it. It’s really over.
I’ll bet that’s what you thought when your spouse decided to leave (or already did).
Marriage separation is just a pit stop on the way to divorce, right?
Not necessarily.
Can separation actually save a marriage?
I know that what I’m about to claim goes against everything you believe in.
But:
Marriage separation is your golden opportunity to not only save your marriage but make it better than it ever was.
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Can a Separation Save Your Marriage?
Your spouse has given up.
He or she is tired of the bickering, the tension, the lack of communication, and the fact that you never do anything fun together anymore.
Even worse, he or she may already be in love with someone else and has left you to be with her.
See what to do if your husband left for another woman
“I’m not in love with you anymore”, he or she said, and your whole world, your whole life as you know it, collapses around you, making a huge noise.
It seems there is no hope.
Your marriage is terminally broken, and there is nothing you can do to change it.
But you couldn’t be more wrong. Separation can save your marriage if you know exactly how to use it to your advantage.
3 Mistakes to Avoid While Separated
Here’s what most of us will do when we desperately try to stop separation and divorce:
1. We try to reassure them – “I can change. I will stop nagging. I will stop being controlling. I won’t lie to you ever again”.
This rarely works. They will not believe you.
2. We Argue – “I don’t believe that you don’t love me. You owe me love because we are married. I can change the way you feel right now”.
This never works. This is exactly what they expect to hear. More arguing. This is why they want to pull away in the first place.
3. We tell them how much we love them – “I love you. You are the only one I’ll ever love. You’re the only one I can be happy with”.
You’re basically telling them “I have no self-esteem. I have nothing without you. Do you want me?”
But don’t lose hope just yet.
Even if you made all of these mistakes (in less than 30 minutes…), now you’ll discover ways to repair the damage.
In a hurry? here are the 5 best marriage counseling books to save your marriage
How to Save Your Marriage During a Separation
Here’s how to rebuild your marriage while you are separated:
Remember that marriage separation is a “trial divorce”. An emotional divorce – without the final dissolution of the marriage.
Instead of giving up, use these separation advantages to get a second chance at your marriage.
Read: how to overcome his midlife crisis affair
1. Stop Arguing
Look:
Your spouse wants to pull away from someone who always disagrees with him. From someone who never sees things their way.
By arguing and criticizing your spouse’s decision, you are only reassuring him that he made the right decision.
“I want a divorce. This marriage is broken and can’t be fixed”, He says.
“I agree”, you say. “This marriage is broken. I understand how you feel.”
It seems like you’re moving faster toward a divorce, but it’s quite the opposite.
You are disarming his/her negative feelings. What happened to the arguing and not-listening spouse they wanted to break up with? Who is this pleasant and understanding person?
This takes the props totally out from under their hostility. You are finally seeing things their way. You are secure now.
2. Stop Needing
Here’s the good news:
Marriage separation holds a golden opportunity for him/her to miss you. It’s a chance for things to cool down.
The constant noise of daily fighting and tension tones down and your spouse can finally realize his contribution to the marriage problems.
Your spouse has the chance to miss you, to miss the good times you used to have.
Your spouse can finally appreciate the things he has taken for granted, like the way you took care of your home, and your children, the many ways you were supportive to him, and the way you took care of him.
But all of these important things can only happen if you completely stop needing, begging, expressing your eternal love, and saying how much you miss him.
You have to prove your independence and that you are happy about things just the way they are.
I’m saying no contact. You can call and say hi, and ask how he’s doing, but do not try to talk about your relationship, complain, need, ask, beg, or plead.
This is the only way to make your spouse realize how much he/she has to LOSE if you split permanently even if he/she is already with someone else.
3. Rebuild The Love
Just because your spouse said that he no longer loves you, doesn’t mean that his love is dead.
Usually, it means that his feelings are “crushed” under years of anger, frustration, neglect, resentment, or other negative emotions.
I’m not saying it’s your fault. No way. Both of you are equally responsible for the marriage problems.
But if you were once in love, you can fall in love AGAIN.
Instead of giving up on your marriage and your family, instead of sinking into depression, use this time to get the knowledge and the best advice to rebuild the love.
There are a few critical steps you need to learn to revive love, intimacy, and connection. These are not tricks, gimmicks, or psychological games.
These are skills that can save your marriage even if your spouse cheated, had an affair, fell in love with someone else, and left.
It’s not enough to just stop doing the things that have hurt your marriage.
This is the best free resource (tried and tested) to rebuild your marriage during separation and return to a happier and more loving relationship than you ever had.
This is your chance. Your golden gate.
What is My Husband Thinking During Separation?
It is very common for a wife to wish she could read her husband’s thoughts after separating. Through talking to many men and reading countless forum discussions, I’ve concluded that most husbands are confused and think conflicting thoughts that change by the day, or even by the hour.
One day, they miss their wife, their family life, and their home, and wonder if they should try to return home and put every effort into saving their marriage.
The next day, they might focus on enjoying single living, with the delusion of freedom that comes along with it, or feel overwhelmed about the marital problems they feel they can’t solve.
Eventually, this separation time allows them to swing these conflicting thoughts and to sort out and balance their fluctuating feelings.
The good news is that separation allows them to see the bigger picture, and to miss what they used to have while finding their most sincere and honest thoughts – without the guilt that creates a fog and prevents clarity.
Marriage Separation Statistics
To help you figure out the main issue that has caused your separation (so you can start rebuilding from there), here’s the latest research about why married people separate or divorce:
Are you going to go through it or just give up?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. we have been married for 11 years and have an 8-year-old son together. My husband had cheated more than once over the years and I have forgiven him and taken him back. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect but we have been trying to make it work or so I thought. My husband recently told me he doesn’t want this marriage anymore and that there Is no feelings there anymore and he’s not happy. I genuinely want my marriage to work.
Can you offer any help?
My husband and I have been together for 20 years, we have been married for almost 6 of those years and have two teenage children. Our marriage has always been a happy one, always got on, very rarely argued, he was under some stress with his job, working shifts, long hours, and even more stress working under Covid restrictions. He applied for another job and got it, it was working for a trendy company which he loved, but he did say it felt weird as he was the oldest one there by 10 years. He has been working for the company for 4 months now, they love him and he has started to feel really valued for once. Just a week into the new year, he came home one night and told me he,d been seeing someone else for the last 4 months (in lockdown), I threw him out of our family home, we have talked since and he says he loves her, he can,t have seen her that often during lockdown so hardly knows this girl, she is 27 and he is 15 years older, she also has a 5yr old child. I am devastated, I did not see this coming, I feel he has just tossed me and the children aside after 20 years. My 16year old daughter won,t talk to him and said she doesn’t, want to see or speak to him again. I do not want our marriage to end, I came from a broken family and would do everything possible to work through this. How do I play this, do I just let him go? When is the right time to go through our finances and separate them, is it too soon? How do I play this so it gives him the opportunity to realize what he,s losing and realize that our marriage is worth saving? I am meeting him tomorrow to talk, and don,t know what to expect. Any advice would be appreciated
I really can offer you this help by telling my story a few years ago when I was facing a similar situation like yours in my marriage and was only by the help of God that I met with someone who could resolve any problems in marriage and so I decided to tell her what I was going through and how she could help me by making the other woman leave my husband and after a week time I can see the result and after a week time, my husband called and told me that he wanted us to resolve our indifference and till now my husband is more in love with the family than before. If you need my help let me know.
I read your story and happy to hear others advice since we are in the same situation. Just to let you know that I am praying for and your family. At least are a but older than mine. My children are only 6 and 8.
Lily, I need your help
My husband and I have been together for seven years, we recently got married at the beginning of this year. We had quite a few arguments this summer. Our current “new normal” was very hard on me. We have had fights in the past. He thinks things will never change and would like a divorce. I think with personal growth things could change. He says We have different personalities and that “I like to fight”. I do not want my marriage to end. I would like him to at least try, but thus far we cannot talk. Every time we do we argue, he wants out and I want to try. I don’t know what to do to save my marriage. He says he still loves me and this is hard for him but that live is not enough.
My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 6 with 3 kids 5,2, and 4 months. Two days after having our third he told me he no longer was in love with me and that there was no one else but he was done. I had neglected him for the last 5 years, depressed about my weight and we were never intimate other than having our children. I asked what he needed to see changed, and I made those changes immediately. Realizing I was going to lose the love of my life. Two weeks later I found proof he was talking with someone else. It’s now been 4 months since this and he’s gone back and forth. This final time he cut off contact with the other woman, and we started marriage counseling to first work on communication because he’s only 50% committed to the marriage. He feels as though because he didn’t get to sleep with this other woman that he will always wonder what if and if there was a connection. It’s been a month of him dedicated to me but we had a small tiff and he said he wanted to leave. We agreed to spend a week enjoying each other as we are still extremely intimate and affectionate with each other and he doesn’t know if he loves this woman or if she’s an escape. We struggle financially sometimes and she’s got a trust fund.. I’m following the guidelines and hoping in my bond with him that he will see what he’s losing by walking out on me and our children. Do you even think coming back is a possibility? He says this other woman he loves her and they have everything in common. I’m hurt and betting on us.
Hello,
Yesterday, my husband of almost 27 years asked for divorce as he fell in love with someone else. In September my husband took our daughter to start her studies in France. While he was there he and our daughter went to hair salon to cut their hair. It was initial spark between him (52 years old) and the owner (49 years old – never married). They went for a drink there and he came back to Canada. Month later I went to visit our daughter and when i came home i somehow noticed that a female was at our home while I was away. Next day he asked me for divorce as that lady was at my home while i was in France. It was her initiative to come to see Canada. Now she is coming again in about a months (this time not at our home)
My husband was shocked with my response as he assumed i wanted to get divorce him as well as i did not love him. I calmly told him that i loved him and that i did not plan that at all. As well I told him that is too very soon and that he should be careful since she can not loose anything and he can loose a lot. Not to mention that he does not know her well. He is now confused as he does not know what he wants.
I the morning i told him I will give him one year to decide mainly because i did not want our daughter to find out as that could impact her 1st year at university. He agreed and said he did not expect me to be that understanding. As well, if after 1 year her decides to leave he can not come to my home ever again and we stop any unnecessary contact ever with each outer’s family.After that we started talking about issue we had and actuality started proper conversation. He told me to always tell him if something is not ok. We live under same roof ( will start with separate rooms tonight)as both our kids are away from home. He called today to see if i was ok.
I do not know what to think. He told me he is conflicted with moral obligation vs. passion ( and i really do not underestimate that).
What about if he cares more about the money that we have or better say that we don’t have, and cares to little about or love an romance. He always said that money is more important than love. That is one of the main reason that destroyed us. He has high an unrealistic expectations. But now he is having an affair with one of his coworkers and living with her but he still fight me over money.
So to me it’s not just about money.
Terisa says I have been married to this guy for 13 yrs my second marriage. His third marriage. I have three grown daughters and six. Grandchildren he has an only son that has 3 children he want cut the strings to his son, my husband live in my house I bare all expenses, while he sticks his money in his pocket, hands out to his son. Doesn’t offer to pay of the bills. But hands out to his grown son. He is retired I am also retired. He goes to his sons house 2 hrs away every other weekend to visit with his grandchildren for the weekend sometimes he will stay 4 to 5 days at a time never asks me if I want to go. His son doesn’t have hardly anything to do with me, never invites me to come visit .When his son was 600 miles away in the military my husband and I had a wonderful relationship. All my husband wants to do from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed is sit and watch movies on his tablet . No communication between either one of us, I try to talk to my husband it is yes or no. I am at my wits end and don’t no where or what to do any help please
My husband of 10 years has asked for a separation. I was totally not expecting it and now I need to know how to fix it.
He simply says he’s unhappy. He’s unsure of if hes in live with me. We married young and mostly because I became pregnant. But I truly love him and for the most part we’ve had a happy marriage. I guess because it came so suddenly I’m shell shocked and I don’t know how to act or what to say. I’m trying to be patient and understanding but I so hard.
Lisa,
I have been married for 4 years and we have a 1 year old. We have arguments over little stuff that escalate fast or he hears something I don’t like or do and jumps to leave and goes to stay at his moms house and we don’t talk for 2-4 days. I always beg, apologize, plead even when the arguments aren’t my fault. We sat and had a talk in regards to him always leaving because I suffer from anxiety and depression and being abandoned like that triggers me. We spoke and agreed that the next time he says “i don’t want to be with you anymore” and leaves will be the time he really means it and there’s no going back and if he needs space he needs to communicate that in a different way and that will be fine.
After drinking one night out with our friends we drove home he said nothing to me and i begged and asked whats wrong and when we arrived in the driveway he blew up and said none of the other girls there were as drunk as me and I was doing to much and then I was actin like a slut( which is not true because i didn’t have ANY flirting or inappropriate behavior with anyone) then he said he didn’t want to be with me. Told me to go in the house hes leaving me. I was so drunk I cant even remember defending myself or not. I was in shock.
We haven’t spoke in 4 days. In the past he has said he feels like he missed out on his twenties and I fear that maybe hes using this situation/anger to hold onto so he can justify not being with me so he can go and have sex with other women and do whatever he wants with no responsibility for our family we have with our baby girl. I’m hurt and my anxiety and depression is killing me.
Do you think he really is done with me? can my marriage still be saved? I haven’t contacted him in regards to our relationship. only our daughter and he hasn’t replied.
My husband has been upset with my insecurity issues for sometime and how I didn’t let him go out without me or talk to other girls at all and not let him express himself fully. I always wanted to do everything together. He has been trying to get me to change for sometime. Now my husband got sick with M.S. and when he couldn’t walk he said he won’t let me kill him anymore and that he is not in love with me anymore.
Now he left for “a 14 day silent meditation” but he filed for divorce behind my back and took all his prized possessions and doesn’t guarantee he will be back.
How can I get my husband back and save the marriage?
Thank you, Gale
Hi Lisa,
I hope you can give some advice I was with my fiancée for 16 years with two children 10 & 8. She was 21 when we met and I was 24. There has been no cheating or abuse of any kind and we have always got on well but over the last year she said was unhappy and living in bubble and we were close to seperating twice before finally 5 weeks ago she said she not in love and wants be alone with kids. After being very upset and pleading initially I got strength and left my home and family to give her what she wants. We have been on reasonable good terms since but when I talk about any emotions she shuts down so I am trying to stop taking about this and I have no idea how she feels about things as she said just wants to heel at moment.
I think she is trying find out where her life is heading and I can now see that we didn’t put any effort into our relationship for much of the last 10 years taking each other for granted. Both just working, being good parents and having very little social life together or with our friends. We were engaged but due to Life gettjng in way and finances we never followed up with marriage.
I know for much of the relationship after the kids were born I didn’t give her the affection she craved when she was low and now she said she got to point she had to learn to love herself and doesn’t need it.
While I have been stronger since leaving the home then I thought I could be, staying at my mum’s at moment, but visiting the kids 3 times per week or so I do want us to review getting back together in the future once we have had time to process what we want and understand where we went wrong but she is adamant that she want to think about any future and doesn’t want give me hope. She want speak about her feelings at all now other then saying why made decision
I am now going try limit my contact with her to just stuff related to kids and light talk for a while as hard as it is as I miss sharing my day with her.
In meantime I am working on learning to be a more positive person as aware my negativity used to make her stressed and and just being a better happier person in general.
Do you think I should have hope of a reconciliation in time? And should I give her space to enjoy being single and to find out what she wants ?
I think regardless if any reconciliation we will get to point always be on good terms although even if slight hiccups at points as I we both do care about each other and want to be good parents even if we can’t have a true friendship if I still love her.
Thank you
Dan,
I think you don’t need my advice, you seem like you are following your intuition and I’m sure it’ll work out for you. My only tip is to NOT do all these things to get her back – but to get happier. If you’ll try to become more positive just for a chance to get back with her – it probably won’t work (because it won’t be real). I can tell you from my personal experience that every time I have changed in my life – really changed – everyone else changed around me and reflected this change back to me.
As for letting her enjoy being single right now – well, you don’t have much choice in the matter. That’s why I advise you to focus on yourself instead of her. I know it’s hard, but you’ll reap the benefits in the future.
Good luck!
Thank you Lisa
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have always been very happy although like many couples probably have got lost with family life, work & not communicating. My husband says he wasn’t unhappy and doesn’t know how this happened. I found out in July that my husband had been having an affair with a co worker. Apparently she makes him laugh like I used to and is fun! She is 10 years younger than us. Only about a month but he was already saying he would be lying if he hadn’t thought about what his life would be like with her. He left and stayed with his parents for a few days then came back, apologised, said it was a mistake he wanted to come back. I thought everything was ok although I struggled they still worked together. In Sept I found out he hadn’t stopped seeing her. He moved out again in Oct and went to his parents. I told him I wasn’t begging him to stay. I don’t want him here because I’ve begged him. I was devestated but carried on the best I could for our son. He found himself a flat and moved in beg November. He told me he was moving in on his own the day before he moved in he told me she was moving in with him. I just said I thought she would be. They moved on the Sat the very next day he came to me saying he’d made a mistake he loves me. I told him if he didn’t want her at the flat he had to tell her. It took him a week. She never moved all her stuff out and let her have a key so she could get her stuff when she could. It turns out although she moved out he actually still carried on seeing her. He keeps telling me he wants to come back. He loves me. He can’t see a future with her but can’t give her up. He says he feels addicted. He had been dangling us both on a string for over 2 months now and it’s driving me mad. I am an emotional wreck. We spent Christmas together which was nice but it emotional drained me and I cried many times! No wonder he’s not back yet. I have now told him I am not sharing him. He can’t have the best of both worlds and if he can’t give me all of him I’m done.
Family and friends are getting mad that he’s messing me about and won’t let me move on but I am not ready to throw 22 happy years of marriage away yet. I have decided I’m going to get on with my life with my son and see what happens. Do you think there is any hope or any advice?
I think you are doing everything just right. I think there is always hope. It depends on whether you can really focus on yourself right now and give yourself the time to think about things. You don’t need my advice, I can see you are following your inner voice and it knows best.
My husband and I have been together for 14yrs married for 7yrs. There has been infedility on both sides. We have 3 kids together, just recently we both agreed to separate after finding out he’s been having an affair for almost a year. He says he loves me but loves the other girl too and can’t get over her. I think he has deep feelings for her but don’t think he loves her!
I’ve wrote down all of my wrong doings and have since worked extremely hard to correct them within myself. I’m feeling better and getting stronger but those words of him loving this girl replays over and over in my head.
I know we desperately need this separation, I want to work on my marriage. He has said he feels differently and doesn’t know if he wants to or not. He said he wants to see if he can live without me… He seems so confused because of our mishaps in the relationship and because of his feelings for this girl!
Has he completely checked out? Should I let him go?
He tells me he loves me but never mentions he misses me. He seems so distant. I know he’s hurt we’re both hurt. Can this be saved?
Yes, I’m sure it can be saved. But you have to let him really go if you want a chance at this.
How do I let him go, what should I do to let him go? Currently, he’s overseas should I not be available when he calls? Should I show tough love, but how?
He’ll be home in a few months just for a couple of weeks. We discussed him staying elsewhere so there’s no more confusion in the house. I don’t think we should be intimate as I think about us reconciling he may just be thinking about getting his fix!
We’ve already told the kids about us separating. I want to keep positive but feels it’s almost too late. He told me I should continue as if we’re not getting back together because he’s so hurt.
I’ve been working on change within myself, spiritually-physically and mentally. I’ve lost 40lbs since the beginning of the year. I’m feeling better by the day. I just miss my husband.
I’m almost ready to throw in the towel!
You just have to look at it differently. It’s all a matter of perception. You are not throwing in the towel. You are taking this time to get stronger and happier, and only good things will happen as a result – whether it’s with him or without him.
It’s never too late for anything. But, to change your circumstance requires changing yourself and only yourself, while getting him out of the equation.
Thank you for responding. Can you please define your statement “let him go”? To what degree should I do that? Can you provide examples? I don’t call or text him, he calls/ texts me all the time. I actually made myself unavailable a few times. It didn’t seem to bother him much. When I don’t answer he’ll call my children’s phones and they’ll put me on the one line. Since he’s overseas I some times panic thinking something bad may happen. I don’t know what to do to let him go.
Please help : )
By letting go I mean not technically (not calling or texting) but really getting him out of your focus – temporarily. Your mission now is to focus on yourself and trying to relax and enjoy your life – without depending on anyone else for your happiness. Take this time, this great opportunity, to remind yourself who you really are, what your really want, and what makes you feel satisfied and happy.
My husband left 8 weeks ago after I discovered his affair with a co worker. After weeks of anger, crushing pain and coming and going, he ended the relationship saying he didn’t know what he wanted and just wanted to concentrate on the children. That was two weeks ago. In that time I have been concentrating on myself, I told him a respected his decision and that we were going nowhere good. He’s looked after the kids whilst I visited friends/gym, and we haven’t spoken about the relationship at all. Tonight he said he couldn’t have the kids on Saturday as he was going out with work friends (red flag!) I was on my way out the door to the gym, and by the time I got there I had a full scenario in my head of him and her having a date with her! I know you recommend I don’t talk about relationship, but I simply said when I got home ‘just so I’m kept in the picture, will you please be honest, are you going to see her on Saturday?’ He began getting upset and said he hadn’t spoken to her for weeks, or seen her at work. He said he genuinely wants to JUST concentrate on the kids and nothing else. He said he knew I would think that, as would he and said he was going to send pictures to prove his whereabouts. He wants to reassure me that he’s being truthful. Thing is he also said he wants us to meet as a family on Saturday for breakfast. Is this a good idea? I want to keep things civil and keep boundaries, but should I see this as a positive thing?
Yes, I think it’s a very positive thing, as long as you try to not talk to him about her – at all. Maybe it will help you to know that talking about her and trying to “fight” it, will only drive him further into her arms.
Good luck!
Lisa, I really need your help!! Bet you’ve never heard that before…
My Husband of 20 years left me on Sept 3rd. Said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. That he hadn’t been in love with me for years. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no that he was just finally being selfish and wanted to be happy. The last 6 months had been tense because of my job demands, taking care of an elderly father, menopause and probably my gut instinct that there was something wrong.
He left and didn’t come back. For 16 days I begged and pleaded, promised to changed, guilted him with “why did you say you were moving with me?” He basically refused to see me and everyday that I pleaded I also asked if he was sure there wasn’t someone else and everytime the answer was “No, I did this for me.”
Of course on day 16 I found the phone bill. I called him and asked who **** was and at first he denied knowing anyone named **** but with the number being texted on the average of 20 times a day for the last month I kept pushing he finally admitted **** was a really, really good friend. Tjhis coming from a man who believed that men and women could not be just friends because the man always wanted more!!
Have i blown it?? Did I push too hard?? Why does he insist on having me understand how bad he feels for hurting me? He said “I am so sorry I broke your heart, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me so sad when I think about how I hurt you”
Whats going on?? I miss my best friend, love of my life and soul mate. Yes, I still believe he is. Is there any chance for me to change my behavior and follow the steps to save my marriage after all this? Please respond I don’t know if I can go through one more day of this pain!!
Anita
Anita,
I’m sorry I had to shorten your question.
I don’t think you blew it, I think he still loves you, but the begging and pleading now has to stop – if you ask me. If I were you I would do a no contact period of a month, in which I would focus on myself and on reminding myself of my worth. Work on your self esteem. When the no contact is over, I would try to get back in touch with him and focus on being friends. Only best friends, like you used to be. I would not try to “solve” any problem, or talk about the past again. This can give him a chance to to be reminded about who you really are, and to see that you are still best friends ans still in love. This can’t happen if you only talk about your relationship, what happened to it, why it happened etc.
If you are able to do this without cutting contact with him – all te better. But it can be hard for you at this point.
Try to relax. Nothing is lost. It’s just covered under a big bag full of the past. The past is dead, there is only now. And you have a choice between re-living the past, or building a new present and future.
Hi Lisa,
My husband and I have been separated for 9 months now (we were together 10 yrs).
He said he was tired of the arguing and all the hurtful things I said and did during the last 2 years of our relationship.I was going through depression and took all my anger out on him. He said that he doesn’t believe that I can or will change and that we aren’t meant to be together.
I miss him so much. I did all the things like begging, texting, telling him how wrong he was. I know that just pushed him further away.
He has stayed in our home and I moved to an apartment
He said he if he had any hope in reconciliation he would have tried by now.
Is it too late to save my marriage?
There was no affair on either side and we do text occasionally. I just don’t know how to show him that I have changed with such little contact between us.
He is my best friend and he said I’m still his best friend but is it still too late?
I’m sure it’s not too late. If you both feel like you are still best friends, why don’t you try to be his friend? I think if you change your mindset (temporarily) to act as his friend, without any other expectations, he’ll be able to see the real you again. You can offer to do “friend stuff” together, like going to the movies, or having lunch from time to time. As long as you don’t expect anything more than that – it could work.
My husband left after 27 yrs for a co worker 2.5 yrs ago. She is unmarried and no children. Since then he has returned 10 times but always leaves to go back to her. They believe they are twin flames. When ever he leaves we argue and he goes no contact. When we do have contact it is limited as she doesn’t like him issuing his phone. When with her he constantly says he wants to come home but needs to end it right with her. This has pushed our children to want to have no contact either with him and he seems happy to walk away from everything including them. He is 50 and believes he is now on a new spiritual journey. The ow keeps taking him back and believes all his lies about me and is nasty on social media but when I challenge him in this and yes sometimes retaliate he just goes no contact. He even at the weekend was talking of when he will be back but she caught us so 2 days later I am back to the speech of this needs to stop, I can’t leave her and we need divorce and I (me) need to move on. He has never sAid that he loves her or loves her more than me or wants to spend the rest of his life with her until the last speech. I do think I pushed him to say it as I kept saying you can’t even say you see yourself with her forever about 5 times so he said I think I want to grow old with her! I said ok goodbye and walked away. He has lost his kids now as well as he told them coming home and hols but not. They are 12 and 14. I think he is in midlife crisis. I emailed today I believe separation is right etc. I know I will get no response. The ow now wants marriage and children. He kept saying how can I come home? You’ve decorated and not like my home and it’s been 3 yrs I would of been home by now. I said come home and have nothing to do with her and he said can’t do that. She seems to be ill a lot. I have told her what he dies with me but makes no difference. She will not let go of him. He has been seeing her for 3 yrs. we have been intimate all the way through and family days when she unaware. He is 50 she is 26 yrs younger and everything he didn’t like such as covered in tattoos and piercings. He last left march 2017 and told me last week after caught with me needs stop. I don’t know what to do now other than no contact and walk away. A friend said no contact will show him real life with her but surely he already got that as lived mostly with her for 2.5 yrs other than odd months he returned, but she says not as always had me in back ground. What do I do now?
Please help me. I am so broken, I don’t know if I will make it through this. Seven weeks ago my husband left me and my daughter claiming he had been unhappy for years. He said I was too controlling and he had built up resentment because his mother and I didn’t like each other and he thought I should have faked it and acted like I liked her. He was totally on her side for years which caused fights. I had a feeling in my gut there was someone else. He came home with a hickie on his neck and admitted reluctantly he had kissed a coworker (married and doesn’t want to leave her husband). He says that’s as far as it went. I had tracking on his phone and saw him sitting down a dirt road near her house one night, in the back of a cemetery another night, and in an alley another night. Two of these he admitted he was with her. This has been unbearable for me. My heart is shattered and my teenage daughter is also devastated. I feel so lost. I loved him so much and now he is so angry at me. The more I leave him alone and don’t text or call he seems to get more angry. What should I do and how do people move on from this horrific heartache? Thank you for any reply.
First of all, I’m completely sure that you’ll be fine. So will your daughter. Now you are in the middle of the “storm” and everything seems horrible and hopeless, but it’s an illusion. When the dust settles, and only then, it’s time to really think about how you feel about this. I wouldn’t make any kind of decision right now, until I am completely relaxed and out of a panic mode.
Also, if he felt controlled, and this is the only way he could break free – too bad for him. He won’t be free because we take ourselves with us wherever we go, and no matter where he runs to.
He will realize this some day. And maybe in the mean time you can ponder on freedom in marriage, controlling – and all that important stuff – and something will change in you too. Maybe then it will be the time for you two to get back together.
Hi. Just an update. I have reached the 4 month point. I don’t feel as horrible as I did, but I still have so much sadness. He doesn’t come around much. I guess he is too busy having “fun”. The piece of trash he fell for never left her husband and as far as I know they still sneak around. My lawyer said I can’t tell her husband because my husband will definitely lose his job and that is not good for my marital support payments. Lastly, I was talking to him once in awhile like a friend would and I thought maybe he was remembering the good times between us and he turned around and filed for divorce. I don’t know if it is time to give up. I have so much love to give and I don’t want to end up alone the rest of my life, but no one is him. I will never love anyone like that again.
I promise you that your last statement is NOT true. You definitely CAN love someone else just the way you love him – and more. But only if you truly let him go.
Lisa, my wife and I have been having issues for about a year, and most of it was do to my drinking, I have took care of that but she says I have done to much damage and she is not in love with me anymore. Then the other day she tells me she is in love with her ex husband from 12 years ago, and she hasn’t spoke to him in 9 years. They were only married a year1/2 but she said they got divorced because their kids didn’t get along. I do know I love her with all my heart, I am leaving the house this Sunday and we are going to try and separate a couple of weeks. I do feel like she still loves me we still have good conversation and hug and kiss when we leave the house. We have been married for 5 yrs, she has a daughter from another marriage that I love like my own we get along great! Do you have any advice for me while we are separated, or any thing else you can share with me.
Thanks
I’m sorry to hear that Craig… I actually advise you to follow the tips in my post. This is my personal opinion about what works best in a separation situation.
Come back and let me know how you’re doing o.k?
I need help. My husband of 12 years has left me and filed for divorce. He has had an emotional affair for over 2 years, now he says he’s in love with her and bends to her every demand. They are not yet living together since shes still married but he has moved out of our home, refuses to see me but calls me several times everyday. At the beginning I thought we made progress, he even said he now had doubts and was still in love with me and misses me. After 2 weeks of great conversations, he continued our 1st divorce hearing, and even said he was coming back but never did. I reacted the way anyone would, I was angry, I yelled and cried. We still talk several times a day but now his tone is different. He no longer says he loves me or misses me, he reinforces his attraction to her but constantly tells me he’s still confused. He never stops calling me but now its more along the lines of “I want to do whats best for the kids, We need to work together and move forward with the divorce but keep communication open” .
I’m confused and dont know if I ruined any chance of reconciling or if I should still continue trying or just let him go? I feel I’m a yo-yo, he changes from hour to hour. One time he’s wanting to reconcile then he calls back within a few hours just to say he’s changed his mind and we need to start the divorce process again then calls yet again to say he doesnt want to lose me. Please help. Do I walk away or keep trying?
Janet,
I think you don’t have to walk away or keep trying. I would just let it be for a while. He obviously hasn’t made up his mind and is very confused. You can’t live your life according to that. Try to focus on yourself – Go out, be with friends, be with your kids and let him go through his stuff on his own.
Don’t expect anything and you won’t be disappointed.
I know it sounds impossible but focus on yourself. Right now. The answer will come, try to stay at peace and the right thing for you will happen.
hi Lisa…can you please reply to my comment. my situation hasnt changed..hes with the other other woman but we have to be in contact because of our children. its so hard not to get upset at the things that he does and doesnt do.
copied my original comment below.
thx
Ana says
11/04/2016 at 7:06 am
married for 15 yrs and met 20yrs ago..with 3 beautiful babies. we are his life..i can tell but i found out of an affair that has been going on for years with another son involved. he doesnt want to leave home says he loves me very much. and i can feel it. but he wants to be going over there and coming back home when he wants. this destroys me not sure how to handle. he fights with her all the time and they call each other names. not sure what kind of relationship he has with her like that. i am so desperate to getting my family back.
Ana,
I think that you know that he will have to make a choice. He does have a son with another woman, and an affair going o for years.
He has to be a father to his son of course, but he can’t have a relationship with you and her at the same time.
It’s what he wants, but if it’s destroying you inside you know you can’t accept it.
I would demand that he makes a choice. And by that I mean choosing the woman he wants to live with and have a relationship with.
I know you are afraid that he won’t choose you, but if you can’t live like this, what’s the alternative?
I need help to think as I am not in the right frame of mind… my wife and I have been married for just over 1 year. we have been having issues/arguments over little things which don’t matter so much. we’ve had more bad times than good times over the last 1 year of our marriage. she left home 2 months ago saying it’s over. we didn’t see eachother for a month after she left. she took all her wardrobe and separated accounts in the first month.. after a month she was gone we started seeing eachother once a week to talk about our issues. but she used to get angry/sad thinking and talking about the past. Even then i stayed calm in talking to her. We met on Monday and talked how we can take things forward and forget about the past and look ahead and talk about the future next time we meet… 2 days later she said she feels guilty that I was being nice while she was getting angry/upset at me and needs some space (this was on wednesday). On Friday I said let’s meet up on Saturday and talk about what concerns you might have. We agreed on meeting up and Saturday morning she said she wants to end the marriage. Doesn’t want to keep any contact etc.. she said she was feeling guilty that she was giving me hope. But she wants to move on.. and wants me to move on. In the country that I am in, we need to have minimum 2 years of separation in order to file for divorce.
So that’s where I am right now. We haven’t contacted eachother in 2 weeks. I don’t know what to do. How to approach her and talk about reconciliation. or give it some time to cool things down? got no idea now as she has gone very very cold. I am desperate to bring her back because our problems are significant to end a marriage. We have behavioral issues which leads to arguments (anger/ego/both want to win). If we try hard to change, I believe we can. what should I do??
Dave,
I think that your instinct is right, and you should consider doing the no-contact rule for about 60 days. Let her cool off, give her a chance to think about things, give her a chance to miss you.
In my experience, the more you’ll try to convince her this is a mistake (the separation), the more she’ll drift away.
Let her know in some way that you’d like to be her friend, nothing more, and that her decision may be right. It will give her a chance to relax, to put her guard down, and give you two a chance to reconnect as people, as friends, without demands, accusations, and pressure.
It will give you a chance to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
married for 15 yrs and met 20yrs ago..with 3 beautiful babies. we are his life..i can tell but i found out of an affair that has been going on for years with another son involved. he doesnt want to leave home says he loves me very much. and i can feel it. but he wants to be going over there and coming back home when he wants. this destroys me not sure how to handle. he fights with her all the time and they call each other names. not sure what kind of relationship he has with her like that. i am so desperate to getting my family back.
My husband left a little over a month ago to stay at a friend’s due to needing space. He is depressed, Says he feels empty inside and can’t be in a relationship right now. He comes over most days to spend time with our son and communicates with me. He has expressed he has been unhappy for years. He often was critical of me, angry with me. He doesn’t want our son to see him depressed which is why he won’t come home. He says he loves me unconditionally but just doesn’t want in a relationship. He says he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and he’s sorry for my distress. Hasn’t said he wants divorced, actually said not to think that way but doesn’t show any emotion toward me at all and wants to stay separated. I’ve been a mess, we’ve been together 13 years, he’s my best friend. I can’t understand what’s going on with him and I know I can’t make him be himself again. I’ve validated his feelings, identified where I needed to work on things, and given him space. Some days I think it’s getting better but then he withdraws again. I know All the things I’m suppose to be doing for myself but I just keep falling apart.
Rachael,
I think that if your husband is depressed, the fact that he left to get space is actually a good sign that he finally, after years, wants to find a solution for his depression.
When he is alone he can start examining his life and his emotions without distractions, and I believe him when he says he doesn’t want his son to see him like this. It’s not an excuse. I also he believes he really loves you too.
I think that you should look at this in a more positive way. I think he is really trying to get back to himself. And I’m sure that when he succeeds, he’ll come back.
He just needs time. And you need it too.
I really believe that everything happens for the best, and it sure seems like that in your case.
Hang in there, everything will be alright. With some faith and patience, it can be better than it ever was.
So this is my sad story. Last Nov my husband of 13 years (together a total of 22 years) told me he had been having an affair for about 8 months and that the OW was pregnant. He was going to move out and take care of his responsibilities, however, he never came out and said he loved her. Ultimately she had an abortion (he doesn’t want anymore children-we have two beautiful daughters). I took this opportunity to convince him to stay and work on our marriage-he agreed. Because she was a co-worker, he quit his job and started a new one that took him out of town for 2 1/2 months. When he returned, he was working 6 days a week and it felt like I was the only one working on fixing things. Also, we never really had time to just spend together, just us. About a month ago, he came to me and told me that his feelings for me have not changed, that he loves me but is not “in love” with me and thinks we should separate. I of course tried begging, making promises, all the things I am not supposed to do. But it wasn’t working, surprise, surprise. Then last week I discovered that he had started communicating again with her back in April (which looking back I should have known because things seemed to be getting better and then he started pulling away again) He has told me that he thinks he loves her, he has rewritten our history, he has told me he married me because that was what was expected of him and lastly, that he doesn’t think he has ever felt for me the things he feels for her. All of it crap and I know it. He also said he only stayed back in Nov because that was what everyone thought he should do, not what he wanted to do. So he is telling me that he wants to explore his feelings for her. I gave up and told him he can have his separation. I also told him I want him out by Nov 1. He has contacted a mediation company so that we can divide our assets, sell our house and agree on a child custody plan.
The thing is, I still hold out hope that he will come to his senses and return to me eventually. My biggest challenge right now is sharing our home with him until he moves out. It kills me to make small talk about how our day is, or sharing stories of the kids. I am struggling with all the emotions I am having, going from anger to heartbreak in a matter of minutes. I cry often, then yell. I am really not handling it very well at all. I am seeing a counselor regularly but until he moves out I just don’t see how I can start to heal and focus on myself. If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom that they would like to share I would love hearing them.
Kelly
Kelly,
Of course you feel you can’t focus while he is still there…how could anyone?
Let yourself feel, it’s o.k. It’s o.k to fell angry and sad in less than 5 minutes…let yourself feel, let it out, and don’t judge yourself or your feelings at all.
Until he leaves, just be. No one is judging you, no one expects you to “handle this well”.
As for hoping that he comes back…here’s another post that I think can help.
Hang in there, o.k? Everything happens for a (good) reason.
Lisa
I willing to keep trying , but I do agree it would be good for me to move out , for a while.
I have just recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a woman from his work & i have confronted him about this which he didn’t denied. This was 3 months ago and it has been a hell of a ride. Emotionally, mental mind games, heartbreak & tears, Telling he loves me , moved out of our home to the other woman for one night and then called to come home, then again moved out for 2 nights & begged to come home which i allowed. My husband is suffering anorexia & i now believe he is having a breakdown. He is staying at his sisters home to get well, but has since told me that he wants her because she is different & is much better in bed… he has also said that he is prepared to give up our son & his grandchildren for the other woman, as he has said they will come around. Please help me, we have been married for 36 years & i love him with every thing i have, do you think its possible he will come to his senses & come back? Or do i move on. To which i am struggling with..thankyou
Kerri,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I think that he IS having a breakdown, and choosing the other woman because she “is better in bed” is the best sign that he is not thinking straight.
I think that he WILL come to his senses, but until he does, don’t let him come back home until it’s clear that he has cut contact with her and realized the awful mistake that he has made.
Be strong, and don’t sit around waiting for him. Try to implement the tips in the post, focus on yourself and healing yourself no matter if he is in the picture or not, and the right thing will happen – At the right time.
The most important thing is to NOT let him go back and forth from you and the OW. If he thinks he can do that any time he likes, he won’t ever need to really choose.
I hope this helps and hang in there, better days are coming.
Lisa,
I accidentally included my last name on that post. Is there any way that you can remove it?
Mike
Got you covered there Michael:)
My wife and I have been together for7 years, married for two and a half. Throughout our relationship we have struggled with communication, understanding each others priorities, jumping to conclusions and arguing. We constantly disagreed about the most trivial of things and rarely made efforts to compromise. Over time we began to snap at each other and say mean things to each other. In addition, we have rarely spent any time apart (nothing over 3 days). My wife struggles with depression and fits the character profile of a Highly Sensitive Person (if you are familiar with that). She is strong, independent and highly motivated. We overused alcohol for much of our relationship and my wife received a DUI two years ago while I was with her and also drunk. Since the DUI, we have drastically reduced our drinking but I did not suffer from the experience as much as her. My wife does not feel like my continued drinking was supportive of her during that process. We did couples counseling for about 8 months but quit in July because she said that she was too busy. She cannot put our past behind her and now would like a separation. She has asked me to move out and I reluctantly agreed to give her some space. Living in the same house right now is pushing her further away. She has not said whether the separation is permanent or temporary but has mentioned that she wants to buy out my half of the house. I am not sure if she will ever even consider getting back together but I have no other options. She said that she no longer loves me and would like to see other people. I most want for her to be happy but this experience has enlightened me to many of our problems and I feel like I really understand where things went wrong and would like another chance to be the man that she needs me to be. We are actively involved in the community, share a beautiful old home that we completely renovated ourselves and run two small businesses. We do not have children. Since she announced her decision, we have not had a single argument (about a month). In fact, we are getting along better than ever except for when we discuss our relationship. She is also actively doing things on her own and intentionally not participating in any social activities with me. I have already begged her to reconsider (numerous times) and showered her with love and support. I have even decided that I could tolerate her seeing someone else if it could settle her curiosity once and for all. Is it crazy for me to think that a separation could bring us closer?
Michael,
I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Like you’ve said – You haven’t argued a single time for a month! That hasn’t happened once since you got married, right?
I think that if you only argue when you talk about your relationship, than don’t talk about your relationship for a while. Continue to be supportive and loving while giving her the space she needs.
Try to convince her to spend some time with you, as friends. Get the fun and the laughter back, without mentioning a relationship or defining things.
This way she’ll have a chance to be reminded of the guy she once fell in love with. When there’s no pressure and arguing she can do that..
I think you’re doing the right things and I wish you the best!:)
Lisa
Here is my story.I met the love of my life back in 2001 and in 2002 we got married.had a rough start and he left in December 2003 for 2 months and came back in 2004.we started our family that year.things were good we had our problems like every one else did and made it through it with Gods help.in 2008/2009 I get a message from a woman asking if their divorce was taken care of..shocked me so they got a divorce which made ours void.tore me apart..it seems like since than it all slowly went down hill.by 2011 our family was complete.in the middle of 2013 we got our own place and things were great.
but it wasn’t like i thought.he left October 26 2013 and was living with the other woman by Halloween..i had suspected something from the things i found.this went on for 6 months and in may he came back claiming he loves me missed me and wants to give us another try.he promised my kids and me that he was here to stay,but 11days later he left and is back with the other woman who claim they are married.since he left he has only seen our kids 2 times in 4 months.he was such a hands on dad,but now he is slacking..we went to court last week and he said i am doing a good job raising our kids.and his “whatever” she is belittles me on fb calling me psycho..what to do when he is with someone like that?
Dawn,
What an awful situation, In my humble opinion, the more you let yourself be angry and frustrated from her, the more she gets what she wants.
Bottom line is that your ex is the one who decides what to do with his life and how much he wants to see his children.
Ignore her on Facebook and ignore her all together, this way she won’t have “fuel” to keep doing this. You are much better than her, and your silence will show it to her.
It’s an awful situation and I know all you want is for your kids to have a dad, but I think that if you don’t react to her actions and try to be positive when you communicate with your ex, things will settle down and become better with time.
I’m really sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there.
My wife of 10yrs told me a few months ago she loves me but is no longer in love with me, we were both working long hours, lots of overtime to pay for our family’s holiday, we have 2 girls aged 7 & 13. She said she realised she was no longer in love with me whilst I was working away and she didn’t miss me, she was angry I had to go away and it was never the same after, I admit I was tired, we were not spending any quality time with each other and we had drifted but still I was shocked and hurt to hear her say these things out loud. Subsequently I moved out and moved in with a friend and I’m ashamed to admit I tried all of the ”I love you, always love you, your wrong, your tired, we can work through all of this” attempts to get her back which obviously failed. She has a friend who showed up before our split who lives 250 miles away who she used to chat too on the phone at work and he was suddenly spending weekends in our home, she has said he was just a friend & I believed her, she fell out with her family over this man. I sort of got on with things however we have just spent 2 weeks on holiday together with the girls, the 1st week we argued as everyone expected us to get back together after the holiday, the second week we chilled out, we shared a bed this entire time and out of the blue in the 2nd week she kissed me, said life’s too short and we had sex, she has since said now we are back separated again that she did it as she was missing her friend who she now has feelings for and im back being gutted after id got my hopes up. She said she wanted to feel something that she used to but didn’t and that’s that. She isn’t gonna act on her feelings for her friend due to the hassle it will cause, he doesn’t know her feelings. She says shes confused, her heads messed up, she has an eating disorder which she kept from me but he helped her instead. She says she stopped missing me a long time ago however ive still been there for her, ive helped her out, ive defended her and ive now decided to cut her out for a month so I can concentrate on being me again, she doesn’t want a divorce and doesn’t want to lose me however I feel I now need to walk away, am I doing the right thing?
Steve
Steve,
Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. She needs to be away from you to realize what she stands to lose forever and the only way she can get that is through her actually experiencing it.
No more being there for her, no more begging and no more beinmg taken for granted.
Show her that you’ve moved on, that you’re happy and that you wish her nothing but the best.
That’s what I would do, but it’s just me and I’m not a qualified expert.
Hang in there, you don’t know what tommorrow will bring, just try to enjoy life right now.
My husband left 6 weeks ago after I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. I’ve since found that he immediately started seeing another woman. After 12 years together it’s been soul destroying. He doesn’t know I know, as I feel this is part of the self destructive path he has gone down & I’m trying to avoid confrontations. I see him every day as he insists on seeing his kids every evening, but as soon as they go to bed he leaves. Last week he got a DUI and as a result will lose his job. I’ve no idea how we’ll cope financially.
I’ve recently found out that he has been inviting this other woman (a sexy young bartender) to see him when he is with our children when I go out. It’s crushing. Yet when he got arrested, he rang me. When I didn’t answer he still came home, to my bed, and asked for comfort from me. He still calls me “baby” but I’m very confused – is this habit? Or signs of affection? Or signs of a very confused individualwho has alcoholism and who doesn’t know what he wants yet? Or the actions of a man who is trying to prevent his wife (who is getting over PND) from going mental & restricting his access to his children? Do some men think this is what separation looks like ? – the same as before but without obligations to your spouse?
I’m struggling with so much anger and resentment and hurt, but I don’t want to let that get in the way, if there is a chance we could build something better from the ashes of our last relationship. If anyone has insights id love to hear them.
Erianna,
I think you did a good thing when you gave him the ultimatum. Other woman or not (I’m sure it’s not love by the way) it will force him into doing something about his addiction.
He comes for you for comfort because you are still his best friend. But right now he is an alcoholist who doesn’t want to treat his addiction so badly that he chose it over you and your family.
I would say that you should give it time. He has to deal with this and it takes time. More than a few months apparently.
I know it’s probably the hardest thing to do, but try to wish him the best. In your heart. Try to pray for him. You don’t have to give him any support that you don’t want to and it doesn’t really matter what HE expcts, thinks or what. It’s what YOU think that matters and what will determine how your life is going to be.
I wish you the best and would be happy if you came back and share your experience in the future as well.
Lisa
My husband 5 weeks ago left me and my children saying he doesn’t love me anymore and is in love with someone else who he has been having a affair with for the last 6 months, while I was pregnant with twins and to months ago one of my twins passed away at 6 weeks old and all this time he was having a affair from the moment I got pregnant, when he said Im not in love with you and he was in love with someone else it broke my heart like you wouldn’t believe those words I can’t get over, we have been through so much together and I don’t understand how you can stop loving someone I said this to him and he said it had happened over time, I mentioned about what about when I first got pregnant? it wad his choice to try for another baby and he said he did love me then which was only 8 months ago and then other times he will say something completely different, I just don’t know what to do, I am in contact with him because of my son and daughter and when I speak to him I put on a act like I’m happy moving on with my life because I want him to see what he has lost, and want him to regret what his done, I just don’t know how long will it take for him to realise this? do I go on acting like I am with him? I miss him so much he was my best friend my everything it breaks my heart to bits knowing he could love someone else and she is 10 years older than him and has 2 children is in a midle of a divorce and knows me and what I was going through with the twins, I just want him to realise what he has lost so I can move on please can someone help any advice please I’m so heart broken and don’t know what to do
First of all I think you are doing the right thing with your attitude towards him, this is the right way to go. Most of us would try begging, pleading and trying to make a guy guilty for leaving, which never helps to say the least,
Here’s a post that’s all about your situation and I’m really sorry you have yo go through this but don’t give up, not all hope is gone, I promise.
https://new.how-to-save-marriage.org/my-husband-left-me-for-another-woman/
I’ve been separated 5 months from my husband. He became distant in November and it only got worse, he started spending time away from me and our 4 year old son. I found his car parked at a training partners house who is a woman, and then she was in my shower days later … He said nothing happened but two days later said he was going to leave me, this was 5 months ago in this time we have discussed trying to make it work, but she is around and he says that they are just friends but she is around on days he spends time with our son. I get ” maybe” and ” slowly” to being a family again. He did say he would go to counseling – he said first by his self before we go together. I guess that’s a good sign?? I just don’t know. I act as if I don’t care about all this ( don’t text or call for awhile) then he wonders why? We even had sex in June when he came over and we hadn’t done that in a very long time he was never interested in me like that anymore but was in June…
I need some advice, now it’s almost august and I feel hopeless again.
JJ,
I think your instincts are right and I think he left and hasn’t come back yet because of this other woman. He hasn’t decided if he is going to be with her or back with his family.
Try to take the advice in this post and change your attitude, Don’t ask him to come back, Tell him this separation was a good idea etc.
I can almost guarantee this will change things all together. You juse need the courage to try it out.
My wife and I seperated a little over a month ago. There were issues such as my mother overstaying her welcome, the house not being up to her standards, discounting her opinions, and not including her in our 4 boys plans. She said that she would have panic attacks on the way home. At first in did all the wrong things begged, tried to reason with her. Then I helped her get her own place. She also said she loved me very much but she was no longer in love wit me.
She spends 4 days of the week at home and the rest at her place. I started to work on myself and the issues she had. She seems happy when at home and I try to include her in as much of the house as possible. So far we usually do one activity with the kids and spend one day together doing something. The reason I call it something because she does not want to call them dates and she said she does not want to date me. This is very confusing because we now spend more time together then when she was home full time. She also said she is worried about my expectations in which I told her I have none.
Am I doing the right thing ? I have started to work out because I was a little overweight and I sometimes workout with my wife. Do I have a chance?
Ivan,
Yes! I definitely think you’re doing the right thing! Good for you, it takes guts and great common sense to be able to pull this off.
Keep with it, trust yourself and you will see the results. You just need more time. The new you will sink into her, it’s just a matter of time.
It’s what I believe, and I hope I’m right.
Good luck!
It was my wife after 25 years of marriage and 3 grown children that she asked for divorce in May. We had a very rocky 6 months of fighting as I suspected that she was having a fling with another man.
Now we are separated under the same roof. It has been two months now.
She is as angry at me as she is accusing me of neglecting her and treated her badly for the past 20 years.
No papers filed and because of financials we have to co-reside as room mates for sometime to come.
I did collapse, cried and begged for another chance, but no way.
I’m not allowed to call her or check on her, we have one text a day that I send during work to her and she does reply and I always try to see her in a common area in the house for a few minutes a day. She stopped asking about anything relates to me like I do not exist, I still think she is in an at least an emotional relationship with the same man.
I’m suffering and I love her so much, I love my kids and I’m not abusive whatsoever, but I admit I did any mistakes and took her for granted.
Now I don’t know what to do in the time we have together under the same roof to reconcile with her.
I admit my mistakes and did apologize to her. I miss her so much now as she was and still my world.
Help please.
Ron,
I’m so sorry you have to go throught this.
I think, though that the fact that she’s so angry with you, is a good sign. It’s a sign that she still has feelings for you, and you should take notice of the fact that although she thinks you’ve neglected her for the past 20 years, she still stayed with you until now.
I know it may seem hard to do, but I recommend that you follow the advice I’ve given in this post, instead of trying to get her back through begging and chasing her.
I hope this helps and hang in there, not all hope is gone.
I been dating my husband for 17 years and it’s always the same things we have 4 kids and sometimes things are great but we fight over his family he always want to go over there and I feel that he can’t do anything without them I told him the other day no and he still went and still been going so today I said if u leave I’m leaving and he still went what do I do I really don’t want to leave I love him but I don’t think he feel the same:(
Jennifer,
I think that your husband dependance on his family hides a problem he has, I would guess that it has to do with insecurities and low self esteem.
I think that until you two get to the bottom of this problem, with or without therapy, the issue of course won’t be resolved and he will keep doing this, no matter how much you threat him with leaving.
But once you’ve said you will leave if he goes and you don’t leave, he will know that you don’t mean what you say and in any case, it’s not the way to solve this.
Try to talk to him and ask him, without anger or accusing, why he needs his family so close and won’t do anything without them, what he is afraid of and how you can help.
I wouldn’t look at this as if he chooses you over them, because he shouldn’t have to choose. But he does have to face this problem in your marriage.
Communication is key here – Without anger, frustration, hurt feelings etc. Just try to be his best friend who doesn’t judge him and try to get to the bottom of this.
Hope this helps and good luck!
Im thinking of filing for seperation. Im noT sure these 3 rules apply. We have never realy argued… hes been so different the last 18 months after losing his dream job before he even got to start. He refused to work for most of a year, and jobs he did have didnt pay the bills. I was a stay at home mom with two little kids but have gone back to school and he tells everyone he knows that im being unreasonable. He took a job 2 hours away and expected me to drop everything and move the kids when he cant even afford an apartment, hes living with relatives. Im living with my mom, without her my kids and i would be on the streets. Im wanting to get a seperation to protect my kids but in filing would that set him off? We never argue. Ive learned that i dont need him and have not been needy, though hes a bit needy when he comes to visit. And love has disapeared with my trust.
Ms Lisa;
After 16 yrs, I feel a trial separation is the only possible way my marriage may be repaired much less thrive. My husband is unable to! “talk” with me re: any of my feelings of abandonment, hurt, loneliness and neglect. He says “I get it” but to know avail. He does try for a few days then we just go back to pretending as has been his MO for several years now. Our “problems” have really come to a head since my head injury in ’06 and subsequent health problems which are just recently significantly improved. I know he’s exhausted w/ my depression but he has become so neglectful it’s breaking my heart. The most difficult thing I am finding is that after I “lecture” and he defends, when he does put forth a little effort (i.e., “you look nice”) I feel no sincerety because I had to point out, repeatedly, the attention he lavishes on “the girls” (he’s a mngr for a scantily clad servers restaurant) and neglects my needs as his wife. I feel the only way to be certain I am “the only one” he says he wants is to separate and get some sort of self-respect/valiue back and for him to evaluate what role I am to play in his life. Do you believe that I can ever “feel” like he is genuine again? What would you recommend to help him communicate if he rdfuses to discuss our lives w/ counselors? Is there hope for reconcilliation? Thanks so much for your blog!!! Hugs, Need Sincerety
I feel so lost right now. My husband asked for a separation and told me he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. He has said that he thinks I have cheated and gets very parinoid about it. I have never cheated and never would. My husband tells me he cant trust me that we fight to much and our relationship is toxic. We have a 3 yr old daughter together so we see each other in passing daily. When he dropped her off yesterday he told me im trying to miss you, but I cant. I just dont know what to do, I’m so broken. I feel like I am the only one fighting for this.
Like I said in the article, that’s what most men say when the ask for a separation – That they’re not in love anymore etc..the thing about you cheating is just an excuse he’s giving to him self – Rewriting history to help him feel right about splitting.
Like I said in the article (which I think you should read again…) – You have to stop “fighting for this” and tell him that you completely agree that you need to separate.
Follow the next steps after this first one and you may be amazed by the results.
Do not despair. Separation is not the end. It’s your chance to make things better then ever.
Hi,
My husband and I had been separated for 2 years off and on mostly because he didnt want to work or help me with the kids or around the house. I recently filed for divorce but wanted to try and make it work between us. My final papers are done with the divorce and we are trying to work on it. I found out in this part that he was with someone else for over a year but says he loves me and her. How do I get over this feeling that he will always want to be with her even though he chose to come home.
Thank you.
Angie,
It’s definitely a thought that’s hard to get out of the head, I agree. The best way to solve this in my opinion is to focus on the healing and working on your relationship to make it stronger.
It’s not enough that you’re back together, you’ll both have to work hard on solving the issues that separated you in the past, to prevent him from “running” back to the other woman (which is actually running away from his problems in the marriage).
The stronger you’ll feel your relationship becomes, the less you’ll worry about the other woman.
My marriage is on the verge of a real separation. My husband holds three offenses against he. I wasn’t ready to get married when he was and gave the ring back. But we got back together. Then I met someone years later when out with friends and danced with another man, felt guilty and told him. Years later had an emotional affair whith the same man through texts. We have tried to stay togerher but he has shit down and his wall is taller than ever. Now he says he needs a separation. He’s not in love with me and things aren’t getting better in the house together separated. I love him and am tryjng to embrace this and give what he needs. But I , through, therapy have found I was resenting the walk he has had up since the beginning which was 15 years ago. Do we have a chance even if he’s leaning towards divorce and I what to save it? I can see the love is still there.
Dawn,
The fact that he has “offenses” againgst you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore, neither does the fact that he told you he’s not in love with you.
To me it seems clear that he is angry and hurt and really concentrated on that right now.
Like I wrote in the article above, I think that you should validate his feelings and tell him that maybe separating is a good idea and that you understand how he feels.
Sometimes it’s easier and more motivating to rebuild the love when you are actually separated. It will give both of you a chance to realize that you really love each other and miss one another.
Yes, I think you definitely have a good chance of saving your marriage. Especially when you feel that the love is still there.
I need help in saving my marriage. My wife left me on 2/13/14, she complained that I choose over her and the children. As a husband she mentioned that I am a good provider and good husband. We are having problems with being disconnected sexually and communication issues. I had mentioned to my wife that our issues are fixable and it can a long process to recover. She is stonewalling me at every turn and I think she is getting a thrill out of this situation. Please give me advisement as a husband trying to save marriage.
Brien,
The first I would do if I were you is to contact your wife and tell her that you agree, that separating was the right thing to do and that you realize you’ve had serious problems.
This will take away the drama that you were right to assume to thrill her. She expects fighting, she expects drama and she expects that you do not ACCEPT the reason for her leaving you – Which gives her more “proof” that she did the right thing.
When you validate her feelings and her actions you can show her, maybe for the first time in a long time, that you understand her.
This, how strange it may seem you, will bring her closer to you, whether she is aware of it or not.
And…when there is no drama, she will have to really deal with her actions. To think twice about whether she did the right thing.
Second thing to NOT do is to promise her that you will change. That smells from desparation and desparation is not attractive.
Third and last, don’t try to make her feel guilty about taring up the family. You want her back, but not through guilt, right?
These are all the first steps. They will make her admire your strength, realize that you validate her and understand her feelings, and make her think long and hard whether leaving was the right thing to do.
I hope this helps and all the best to you!:)
what if you have already done all of the things your not supposed too and now theres no communication?
Tiffany,
Maybe I’m a delusional optimistic, but I always think that things can be fixed. Even if you’ve made all the mistakes and even if there’s no communication.
I really recommend that you take a look at the rsource I’ve linked to at the end of the article. And don’t give up, Especially is he hasn’t filed for divorce yet.
it is true what your saying that marriage it is for both to take responsibility to make it work. what about iam the one i putt effort to make it work and he doesn,t. i found difficult to trust my husband, after he cheated me 4 times, he will ask for forgivennes and telling me how he loves me and he never do it again! i forgive him but after few months i will see again text romatinc msg to the woman who has been having affair with! it has been going on for many years he doesn,t change am talking 23 years of marriage no matter how hard am trying to make it work, sometimes he will blame me that am not satisfying him with sex, he does not appreciate every thing i do in the house,i work full time to raise income, some times i caught him so many times talking behind my back with his sister that how horrible iam and he is staying with me because we had children together. I will confront him and he will say sorry and i believe him and try trust him again, but he will do it again and again.my self idon,t want divorce i want marriage a full family. i do know how long i should suffer like this staying with a man who doesn,t change i feel like iam a stupit woman in this world.He sees me that i can forgive him whenver he does mistaks his affair since our maariage is 4 years. he alwys lying to me.so please help me here am trying this marriage to work but myself he doesn,t
I’m afraid your husband seems like the “classic” serial cheater. See this article, it might help.
In several relationships when a husband and wife has taken some time apart the relationship is often more powerful and deeper than ever before if they select to get back together. It is critical that both of you are ready to put in the hard work and make the necessary changes. The less finger pointing the better possibilities of success.
Your partner might say things like “I don’t want to talk” or “I’m not good at talking.” Usually, the real issue is that he gets easily flooded with too much information and shuts down. So, when bringing up an issue, end your description after three sentences.