I can’t believe this is happening to me”
My friend Rachel thought while sitting on the sofa with her husband John.
My husband wants a divorce.”
She said her heart was pounding and she could feel herself turning pale as she heard him saying “I’m sorry, but I want out.”
She was unable to speak. Her head was spinning and was too overwhelmed to cry. She just sat there listening to him telling her – “I just can’t go on like this anymore. Our marriage is over.”
He had already gone to work when she was able to speak again.
I knew things weren’t perfect but I can’t believe he wants to end 10 years of marriage just like that.”
“I always thought we can get through anything together. We used to be best friends. What happened?
Should I convince him to stay? I have no idea what to do now, it feels like my entire life is about to fall into this black hole. What do I do NOW?”
My Husband Wants a Divorce – Now What?
“No one wakes up in the morning, drinks coffee and suddenly decides he wants a divorce”, I said to her.
“This is a result of a process, usually a long process of unresolved issues, neglected needs and finally a total communication breakdown“.
“But it doesn’t mean his love for you is dead. Most of the time, the love is still there, covered up by anger, resentment, frustration or other emotions.”
I don’t know one married woman who hasn’t felt at some point utter hatred towards her husband.
** He forgot something that was important to you again;
** He doesn’t help around the house;
** He doesn’t help with the kids;
** He doesn’t seem to care about your needs;
** He calls you names when you fight.
** He doesn’t appreciate you and it makes you so angry that you want to kick him out of the house, while screaming how much you hate his guts.
But it doesn’t mean you REALLY hate him. Right?
You are angry and it hides any other emotion that you ever had for him.
In the same way, even if your husband SAYS he doesn’t love you anymore and wants a divorce, doesn’t make it true.
“If he was once in love with you”, I told my friend, “he CAN fall in love with you again. But it won’t just magically happen on its own.”
These are NOT gimmicks, tricks or clever little psychological games.
“Now He Tells Me That He is In Love with Someone Else”
The day after Rachel calls me again with some shocking news. “It turns out he is having an affair with his co-worker for the last 4 months”, she started crying. “That’s why my husband wants a divorce. That’s why he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Some other woman came along and stole him away from me. And made him lie to me, deceive me and stab a knife in my back for 4 whole months.”
“Now I know all hope is gone. I could never compete with a new and exciting younger woman. And even if I could, how can I ever trust him again after 4 months of lying and cheating?”
Maybe, Your Marriage CAN Survive an Affair
“If you think that I’m going to confirm your deepest fear – that the marriage you poured your heart and soul into is over – think again”, I told her.
Even if he “feels” that he is in love with another woman, it doesn’t mean that all hope is gone. It doesn’t even mean that his feelings for her are REAL.
In many cases, the cheater is not in love with another woman, but in love with the DRAMA. He is in love with being in love.
** He feels alive again;
** Someone new is making him will good about himself again;
** Someone else is admiring him again, giving him all the things he misses getting from YOU;
** Someone else is feeding his male ego (while giving him the hot sex that you turned down the other night.)
The worst way to deal with marital problems is to look outside for solutions. He did everything wrong by having an affair. But that’s how he dealt with it.
Now it’s up to you. Do you still care about your marriage? Your family? Do YOU intend to keep your wedding day promise “for better and for worse” (even if he doesn’t?) Or do you want to back off and let your relationship die?
If you are brave enough to implement these last chance efforts, do it NOW. You might fail, but at least you will always know that you did everything you could to keep your marriage.
You might succeed too. And if you do, you may rebuild a better relationship than you ever had with your husband. It may turn out to be “the perfect storm” in your marriage.
“Are you going to try?” I asked Rachel… (To Be Continued…)
Rooting for ya,
My husband left me 5 weeks ago. We had been together for 18 years and married for nearly 15 years. He told me we both want different things, he likes motorbike racing and I never supported him with it, I was jealous of the time he spent on it. He always showed me love but I was forever pushing him away due to my insecurities, even though I love him with every breath I take I always pushed him away. When he said he didn’t love me anymore I was gutted, we both cried slot and still slept in the same bed and even had sex but one day I was told that he had been talking to a girl for a few months, he said nothing had gone on and it was just flirting but I don’t believe him, the one person I trusted in the whole world had broken me, I was devastated, angry so I did a stupid thing and took an hammer to his motorbike, obviously he’s very angry about this and although he has fixed it and is riding again he won’t forgive me. He moved out and is living at a friend’s house. I tried to pull myself together then one day my daughter said she had seen this girl getting into his van, I confronted him there and then and went absolutely crazy and put a brick through his car window. This is completely out of character for me but I just couldn’t take it anymore, I had been cheated on for 12 years in a previous relationship and this time I couldn’t control my rage. Once again he hates me for doing it and no apology will work. We met up in the week and although it was amicable we talked about the house and our dog, he cried but says he’s very angry with me. I don’t know if this girl is still around , I haven’t asked. I just want him home but I don’t know what to do .
Hi my name is Rebecca I left my marriage over a year ago and my husband has moved on with another woman about 5 months ago I started to have feelings for my husband again and for the past three months we were seeing each other again we were getting along sleeping together all while he was still with the other women she is much younger then him she is 22 and he is 37 everything was going fine for 3 months then all of a sudden he said he can’t do it anymore cause he didn’t want to hurt her feelings he told me he had told her all about what went on between us and he said he was going to leave her which was music too my ears as we have two kids together just when I thought it was going good now he pulled away again and told me he is moving in with her. Now he hardly talks to me he’s has been ignoring my text messages I just don’t understand where it went wrong . He told me he wanted to be a family again but wasn’t in a position to come in and swoop us up again and take us away now he wants a divorce I asked him why and he said we have had too many chances at making it work this was before marriage and our kids. We have been marriaged for 8 years but have been together for 12 years I just don’t understand why he has pulled away again So please help me lost and depressed
Lisa Penn says
I think that at some point he realized that he still loves you, but than his “head” intervened and reminded him of your past problems and he panicked.
He had to make a choice between you and her and she represents something new, that has no “baggage”, so out of fear and logical reasoning he has chosen her.
If I were you I would try to accept it, take it easy and see when his heart leaps into action again. Take it slow with the divorce and act cool and friendly with him so he’ll get a chance to stop being afraid and listen to his heart again.
I know it sounds hard but it is just what I would do, that’s all. I hope it helps.
Thanks Lisa I will try that
The point is that there are no smokes without fire. That is to say, the man doesn’t just wake up one day and decide to leave you, something may have happened. In most cases, before the man decides to take such an action, there may be another woman out there who is taking good care of him far better than you. She may be satisfying him sexually more than you. In fact, he used to be more relaxed with that woman more than you. So after comparing you with the woman, he may decide to pack out and stay with the other woman fully.
The solution is never to take your husband for granted, ensure that you are performing your responsibilities toward him to the best of your ability. Never starve him of sex but try to satisfy him sexually all the time. In fact, try to do things that make him happy. Areas he complains that he is not happy with you, try to amend. In other words, start in time to fight for your love, fight for your marriage. Above all, vow never to allow another woman to snatch your husband from you.
Kellie Swartsell says
Love this article, I have been married for 10 yrs and unfortunately going through the same thing. Although I don’t believe my husband is having an affair. He isn’t sure if what our future holds for the both of us. I’m completely heartbroken and lost. However I know God will protect me no matter what.