How long have you been trying to solve your marriage problems?
How many problem-solving strategies have you tried? Communication techniques?
How long are you frustrated by trying so hard and failing, again and again?
Do you fear your marriage is slowly ending?
It’s only human.
When we have problems, we try to solve them.
But what if I told you there’s another way?
Could there be another way to improve, or even restart your marriage – without solving your conflicts?
Page Contents
The Surprising Key to Solving Your Marriage Problems
According to Mort Fertel, the well-known marriage coach and creator of the Marriage Fitness program, the key to renewing your marriage is not through problem-solving.
Do you remember the beginning?
Do you remember how much love you used to share? The way you stayed up all night together, just hugging, talking, laughing, and sharing everything with one another?
Did you use to give each other small yet thoughtful gifts? Leave little love notes in the kitchen?
You were once deeply connected.
But something happened. Something that destroys most marriages.
Life interfered.
Financial problems. Caring for children. Work stress. Routine.
You started running away from each other emotionally.
Before you know it, one of you – or both – have checked out emotionally.
Instead of talking all night, it feels like a chore to spend a few minutes together just talking, especially if you have an angry husband, who gets irritated at you all the time.
(It usually turns into a fight anyway.)
Your relationship consists of screaming matches and silent treatments.
But deep inside you know you don’t want to lose each other.
So you decide to work on your marriage and “try”.
You try conflict resolution techniques. You try listening without interrupting. You even go to counseling to wrestle your problems.
But guess what. Nothing works. Nothing changes.
You try to solve your problems, but it only makes you focus on them even more. So you fight more. And feel worse.
But here’s Mort Fertel’s breakthrough insight:
If you can’t solve your problems – set them aside.
SET ASIDE your problems and try to RE-CONNECT with each other.
Ditch the negative. Bring in the positive.
How to Set Aside Your Problems and Fall in Love Again
When you remove the focus from your problems and spend your time and energy on POSITIVE actions – You will not only resolve your differences – but fall in love all over again.
Establish healthy habits that’ll bring positive energy to your relationship.
It’s counter-intuitive, but according to Fertel, if you strengthen your relationship – most of your conflicts will dissipate and what remains of them will be more easily resolved in a safer, softer and forgiving marital environment.
Before dealing with problems, build goodwill with each other.
When your back hurts, sometimes the solution is to strengthen your core muscles. Strengthening one part of your body can heal another.
Your marriage works in a similar way.
[yellowbox]I have to give all the credit to this clever approach to Mort Fertel and his highly recommended Marriage Fitness Program.[/yellowbox]
If you’d like, you can sign up for his wonderful free newsletter and get 5 free marriage assessments.
Don’t worry, there’s nothing to buy and he won’t try to make you purchase anything.
It’s just free advice. Take advantage of it.
Strengthen Your Marriage and Reconnect
Reconnecting and rebuilding love is not only easier than resolving conflicts, but it’s also way more FUN.
Remember, the key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.
1. Date Nights
Date nights are one of the easiest and most fun ways to keep the spark in your marriage, strengthen your bond and deepen your friendship, whether you’ve been married for one year or thirty.
Here are 31 fabulous date night ideas (that won’t cost an arm and a leg).
2. Romantic Love Text Messages
Every man (and woman) likes to be reminded that he is loved and appreciated. But sending short text love messages to your spouse can be so much more than that:
It’s the perfect pick me up on a bad day.
It’s a thoughtful surprise.
It keeps you on his mind all day.
It’s a quick way to spark up your relationship.
It’s a fun way to connect with him all day long.
Don’t miss out on the best short love text messages for your husband, to help you reconnect and keep you on his mind all day long.
And here’s a wonderful quote from Fertel to sum things up:
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.
What do you think about this marriage renewing approach?
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
My husband gets angry over silly issues and gives me silent treatment. I try to apologise but he doesn’t want to talk….i cry my heart out everynight because I’m not used to it and it frustrates me. How do I get him to love me the way he used to before I started messing upP
We have started with Morts 7 secretes to save your marriage. My husband cheated on me. I will never know if it was physical or not. I found all his text messages one day and it was with his Co-worker he and she swear up and down nothing Happened and it was text messages taken way to far. He apologizes over and over. My problem…this isn’t the first time. It’s always with text messages. This is just the first time with someone that he sees every day. The other two were in games he was playing. I don’t understand why he can’t control what he says. I love him and I want him to change, but I know he has to want to change. I told him this was it and there wouldn’t be a next one. He subscribed on his own to morts emails. He doesn’t speak to the co-worker anymore unless it’s work.
Can we get through this…I feel like our marriage has been push to the side and I know we don’t spend time together. We have 4 kids and work and I’m starting the nursing program. I’m hoping if we can get back to when we fell in love we can rebuild our marriage…I’m just trying to stay positive. Any advice would be appreciated.
I think that his actions are very encouraging. I think there’s a very good chance to restore your marriage because you are both into and obviously want to work it out. Give it some time and see what happens.
I’m going to say no. He sounds abusive and like a womanizer. If this has been more than once it doesn’t seem like it will be the last. Get your nursing degree. Get a good job. Then get out. Be strong. He doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve being treated like a side chick in your own marriage when you birthed his 4 kids!
What do you do when you have begged him for years to get a ” date night” and he refuses. I can’t even get a conversation without him telling me to quit it or shut the hell up.
Kim, that’s a different story. Sounds a bit abusive to me. Why would you want to stay with someone like that?
Lauren,
I’m glad you liked the post..thanks for taking the time to comment and give your feedback, I appreciate it!:)
Beth,
Thanks so much for coming over and commenting, I loved your last post!:)
Well, this pretty much described my first year of marriage perfectly! I’ve spent so much time trying to “fix” the problems I see in my marriage and have missed out on so much sweet time and connection with my husband as a result. Thank you for sharing this reminder to focus on the connection and love that brought us together in the first place!
I’ve read Mort’s book and there’s a lot of truth to the simple fact that we need to reconnect and invest more in our marriage when distance and resentment invades. We need to become friends and lovers again and the only way to really walk that road is with acting like friends and lovers. Thanks for the wise words, Lisa! Great to have you back at Wedded Wed!