Many women get confused about emotional affair signs. Is it just a close and warm friendship or actual cheating?
I’m here to try and help remove the confusion.
An emotional affair can be the beginning of the death of a marriage, and some say it’s much worse than a physical affair.
When your husband finds intimacy and an emotional connection with another woman, the physical aspect is not far behind, and the slippery road to divorce begins.
But how can you know for sure if your spouse has a crush on another woman?
Here are the most alarming telltales that your husband is in love with another woman:
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8 Emotional Affair Signs (Does He Have a Crush on Another Woman?)
Marriage is built on an emotional connection between two people.
When one partner goes outside of marriage to seek fulfillment, whether that fulfillment is sexual or emotional in nature – that is cheating.
Here are the most common emotional affair signs:
1. If your husband has a deep personal relationship with some intensity (with another woman), the relationship has probably crossed over to an emotional affair.
2. If he makes excuses to be with her. For example, he goes out of his way to work on the same project his co-worker works on or justifies his time with her by having to help her because she is in trouble (very common)
3. Emotional Intimacy – sharing private thoughts – if he shares his most private thoughts with someone other than you – he is probably getting emotionally attached to that other woman.
For example, he shares his marriage problems (which we all have) – with her. That’s the worst.
4. Hiding the extent of the “side” relationship – If he is secretive about his “friendship” and hiding text messages and his cell phone – it means he has something to hide.
5. Getting angry and defensive when asked about the other woman – when you ask him about these little signs – does he get angry and try to blame you for snooping instead of answering your question?
If the answer is yes – it means he is feeling guilty and trying to hide the truth to shift the attention to you.
Generally, the response from the person who has been “caught” is to argue, “What, you mean I can’t have a friend of the opposite sex?”
See exactly how to cope with your husband’s emotional affair
6. He doesn’t share his problems with you. If he never has, it’s less suspicious.
But if he used to share his struggles with you and now he doesn’t, plus he has a female friend, he is probably sharing them with her.
7. He texts her frequently.
It’s especially alarming if he texts her “good morning”, or “good night” – without anything else.
8. He is not interested in sex (because he fantasizes about her), or is more interested than ever (because he is more sexually aroused by the excitement of having a crush on someone else).
I know how painful it is for you to find out even one of these emotional infidelity signs.
It feels like a stab in the heart would feel and it makes you feel like the rug is being pulled under your feet.
Get the best free resource for dealing with infidelity and fixing your marriage – by marriage counselor Mort Fertel.
Emotional Cheating Texting Examples
It is not difficult to detect emotional cheating when you have access to his texts. If he hides or tries to delete texts from another woman, that’s the biggest red flag, no matter the content of the texts.
Here are a few alarming emotional cheating text examples:
- “I miss you and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow”
- “You get me like no one else does”
- “Don’t tell anyone what I’ve told you. I haven’t shared it with anyone – ever”
- “Lunch today? let’s go to that place we both love”
- “Can you help make a decision about…? I trust your opinion more than anyone I know”
Why Do Men Have Emotional Affairs?
Generally, any man or woman having an emotional affair starts with fulfilling some aspect of friendship that is lacking in the marriage.
These aspects of friendship can include laughing together, talking about work challenges or other common issues they have, harmless flirting (at first), and so on.
The thing about friendships where your spouse becomes emotionally invested in someone else is that he can slowly detach from his actual partner.
It doesn’t matter if it’s just a Facebook friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, or an old flame (those are most dangerous, especially if there was no good closure when it ended).
Emotional affairs can easily escalate to sexual ones, no matter how much you or your spouse would want to avoid it, and no matter how committed he is to your marriage and family.
The 4 Stages of Emotional Affairs
Here’s how a harmless friendship can lead to emotional dependency and a hazard to any marriage:
1. “Harmless” Friendship
“She’s just a friend”, he’ll tell you when you start to get suspicious, and at the beginning that’s all she was.
She’s just a colleague at work, an old friend from college, anyone really. They started out just talking about mutual interests, some of which you may not find very fascinating yourself.
Then they meet for a coffee, graduate to lunch and then the phone conversations or the texting begins.
This is very exciting for a marriage partner who’s stuck in a relationship rut (like most of us), a relationship that is no longer as exciting and fulfilling as it used to be.
2. Feelings of Infatuation
Suddenly he realizes that he really likes talking to her, texting her, and listening to what she has to say about things.
Her ability to be patient, understanding, and interested in what he has to say – makes him feel important and boosts his self-esteem and ego greatly.
He begins to flirt, subtly, gives her compliments and praises, and starts feeling attracted to her. He feels excited when he communicates with her – online or in person.
He feels a bit guilty about this, so he tags this outside relationship as a friendship and justifies it to himself this way.
See the best ways to make him stop cheating
3. Secrecy and Lies
When he starts feeling guilty about wanting to meet her alone, talk to her often, and flirt with her – the secrecy and lies begin.
He starts thinking about how you would feel if you knew about the depth of his “friendship” and while it doesn’t make him stop, it does make him start lying about it.
When you ask him about her, he gets angry and defensive, because he knows he is about to get “caught” and that would force him to stop the emotional intimacy he has with the other woman.
Get the 7 steps to fixing your marriage
4. Emotional Dependency
At this stage, he will not end his relationship with her, even though he is going through a marital crisis after you found out about it and fought with him over it.
This is because he became addicted to this relationship. He is not addicted to the person, by the way, he is dependent on the way this new and exciting thing makes him feel about himself.
At this point he is almost ignoring you and your marriage (sometimes even the kids), he spends most of his free time talking to her or finding ways to see her, putting an effort at being attractive and he is completely dependent on her for emotional fulfillment.
This goes with sexual fantasies about her as well.
Read: should you confront the other woman?
What to Do When Your Husband is Talking to Another Woman
Let me start with what NOT to do first.
1. Do not confront him and accuse him of having an emotional affair before you have proof. You’ll only hear lies and he will run out of the house to get his story straight. If you must confront him, confront your husband – the smart way.
2. I know how excruciating it is, but don’t let your anger, humiliation, and heartbreak stop you from thinking straight.
First, decide if your marriage is worth saving, and only then take the next steps.
3. You may find it hard to believe, but there are effective ways to make him stop cheating before it’s too late.
The most important message I want to get through to you is that even if you find signs of an emotional affair, it doesn’t mean that your marriage is over.
It means that your marriage is in trouble, and you have to take immediate steps to prevent getting to the point of no return.
Your husband still loves you, but his emotions are stuck under years of unaddressed communication problems, which are the most common cause of marital problems.
Your Marriage Matters: The Best Online Resources
If you’re struggling in your marriage, you’re not alone.
Many couples face challenges that can feel overwhelming. But the good news is that you don’t have to face them alone.
Take the plunge and join an online therapy program, to get the support you need (alone or with your spouse) and personalized advice and guidance tailored to your unique situation.
Here are the only resources I recommend (from personal experience):
Marriax Max free email series – the best free resource to fixing your marriage – by Marriage Counselor Mort Fertel.
I personally used his advice in my marriage with amazing results and proceeded to the excellent Marriage Fitness program.
OnlineTherapy.com will match you with a professional cognitive behavioral therapist, who will help you identify and break negative patterns in your relationship. and set new goals – via messages or video – wherever you are.
You also get a complete therapy toolbox with your activity plan, journal, and history of your messages. It is discrete and affordable. See how it works!
Don’t wait to take action – sign up now and start working towards a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling marriage.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
My Fiancee who got married to another woman he impregnated when we were dating and also got married to her is right at my door. He wouldn’t leave until I accept him back, He has divorced her.
I have to say I was on the other side of this recently. The very first guy I ever lived with contacted me 26 YEARS later. I had heard he died 10 years earlier, so I’ll admit I was happy to hear from him. We spent time messaging and catching up on things. He was married. I’m divorced. This all very quickly devolved. In a matter of days, he was apologizing for why we broke up and telling me he still loved me and had always loved me. I told him there was no way anything was going to happen between us. He started in with how unhappy he is in his marriage…blah, blah, blah. I told him we couldn’t talk anymore and that things were out of hand. His wife wound up messaging that he asked for a divorce and was it because of me. I told her NO and to save their marriage. I even told her all the flattering things he had said about her because I wanted the drama to stop. I blocked him from the app we were talking on. He created a NEW profile to message me and told me he got a secret cell phone so he could text me. I told him again nothing would ever happen between us and blocked him again. I haven’t heard from him for about a week now, but I will press charges if he doesn’t leave me alone. Not all women WANT this attention. Idk what is really going on in his marriage, but I don’t want any part of any of it.
My husband and I been together for 6yrs and married 3yrs. I noticed him different the past 3 months hiding his phone. I asked him what was going on he got very upset stating I did not trust him.About a month ago found out he was erasing massages from manager (Apple Watch don’t erase some massages) he was taking her out to eat, drinking after work, telling her she looks SEXY, etc. I asked him about it he stated they were just friends he never saw her any different. Blah blah. Now he’s being so attached, giving me his phone, telling me every time he has to call/txt her about any job related. Not sure if I should trust him again. He wants to work on our relationship/marriage. I’m confused. Heartbroken.
Me and my husband have been together for a total of 5 years but only married for 2 years. We are High School Sweethearts. We have 2 kids together and he works basically everyday. Recently he came into contact with his ex-girlfriend. I guess he went to go to Walmart for some food about 9 o’clock at night and came home at 4 with the food. The thing is he said he got the food from Walmart and went to work to make up his hours he missed that day, anyways on his way home he saw her truck in front of Walmart and he went there to find that shes been kicked out. He talks to her for i don’t know how long. He also admits that he may have flirted with her. Which i absolutely hate! But mostly i’m afraid that he may have been emotionally open with her. He never tells me what wrong with him until the last minute. Any-who’s his story doesn’t add up to me. Like how does he know how her truck looks like? And will this lead to an emotional relationship? I didn’t find out that they are friends on FB until a few months ago, I didn’t want to be controlling so i tried by-passing the whole thing. Now I hope she doesnt think that she can text him whenever she wants to. Maybe everything will be okay. I hope so.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 11 months (high school sweethearts). I had a feeling he was cheating Bc I felt it in my gut. I went through his phone & found flirty messages with his former friend’s ex. She knows me, was there to celebrate our engagement. So she knows that going along with this was wrong. I messaged her & told her that I just wanted the truth. She owed me that at least Bc he would not give it to me. She swore to me that all they did was flirt & he told her our marriage was falling apart. I immediately left my husband. For 2 months he begged and pleaded for forgiveness. I agreed to give our marriage another chance. The very next day after I move back in the girl messaged me screenshots of him messaging her asking if she will ever speak to him again. These messages occurred 2 weeks before I moved Back in.
She never responded to any of his pleas.
& said she sent me the pictures to prove that she was not the one after him. I confronted him & his story is that he wanted to speak to her one last time to “apologize” for putting her in a bad situation. The obvious answer is to leave, I know it in my heart. But I feel stuck. I had my family help me move out then move back in. How do I overcome this feeling of looking stupid to the world AGAIN !! Not even 24hrs after I moved back in! He swears he loves me. But the fact that i know he was trying to get her attention has me feeling that if she would give him the time of day, he would pick her over Me. I feel like I’m the 2nd choice. & I don’t see that feeling going away. I don’t even want him to touch me. This whole situation has me sick to my stomach Bc I was already gone !! Why bring me back for this!!?
What if it’s the wife? The wife you love but you decided to spend time and energy on saving lives? What if you catch het once… then they play the game after they spoke for almost one hour and then posted on Messenger that they are ending the relationship. Then go to marriage counseling then after repeated questions two weeks if they had any contact you discover she contacted him again by text and then over 11 days discover over 300 text messages with photo’s sent and still she lies as to what these conversations discussed
She delegates all evidence on her phone making a conscious effort to keep lying to me—- our children and even doing the texting in our living room
my husband for 17 yrs, we have been together for 22 yrs and have 3 children together. he doesn’t touch me . when i send him sexual emojis he doesn’t respond to them. he is always on his phone! and never leaves it down where i could get on it, besides he changed his password even if i could . all we do is argue or just dont talk. i know he isn’t physically cheating on me because of this quarantine but i am scared to death that he is talking with someone else. he always makes references about Ashley Madison website . ive tried to create a fake account to search to see if he is on there but im afraid it will blow up in my face and it will look like im on there looking to cheat. he was unfaithful to me once before in the beginning of our relationship while i was pregnant with our second child . the thing that i am most scared about is if he is i know i have to leave him because i cant do this all over again – i just have no wheres to go – i have no family or friends .
I’d find this article useful if it weren’t for the feeling that I can almost heat my partner parroting these very words back to me and try to shift he blame towards me. . I however am not having an emotional affair! Plus he gets into incredible races when confronted, I feel I have no option but to end it. I’m determined not to take his projected guilt on myself. No matter how much I love him
My husband and I been married for 15 years 2 days ago I got a screenshot of him txting another woman texting her he loves her and that she awesome. I think she’s married too because he told her that her man doesn’t deserve someone like her. He also invited her to come to my house. Now he’s telling me she was nothing he just said txted her for no reason and did it was the first time and that he’s really sorry. I don’t know what to do I’m really heartbroken.
same exact thing happened to me recently. My husband also told this other woman he loved her. He said that he just said that because she said i love you first and didn’t want to leave her hanging. sounds like BS to me and I don’t believe a word he says.
My husband had to go out of town for business although he was gone for 10 weeks total he would come back every 2 to 3 weeks for the weekend. In our relationship I am the one that always has to ask for sex and he turns me down most of the time. We have only been married for three years and we are in our early 50s. Last weekend he spent with me and went back out of state for his job on Monday morning. By Monday evening he was texting the hotel clerk asking her to come over for sexual favors. He did this for three days straight. What really hurts is he was on the phone talking to me telling me how much he loves me all the while texting her to come over. I found out only because I had spoken with her while arranging payment for his hotel stay so she knew he was married and felt this was very inappropriate. I don’t know how to get over it, how to get past it, how to forget it, how to forgive it Etc. how can he sleep with me Monday morning, talk to me Monday evening, and text her at the same time telling her to come over and all the things he want to do to her. I must mean absolutely nothing to him for him to talk to both of us at the exact same time. It’s not like he doesn’t get attention from me I’m constantly touching on him and kissing him and telling him how gorgeous he is and how much I love him. I rarely get it in return. He has no excuse other then he was flattered by attention from another woman and he’s just a man and was horny. Well he’s never horny at home and if he’s just a man and that’s the excuse there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change that so evidently it will happen again. It’s only been five days since I found out. He is still out of town. And when I speak to him on the phone although he says he loves me and wants our marriage to work and it’s so very sorry he gets very snippy with me when I bring it up. He raises his voice and even hangs up on me when I mention it. He must think I should be over it by now even though it’s been only five days and I haven’t seen him face-to-face. I love this man dearly I’m at a complete loss I was completely blindsided
i feel you completely.
so lost and empty but this world will still dragging us along.
I have a 3 year old daughter and from when I brought her home nights were very hard especially since I breastfed her for 16months. My husband would wake up in the middle of the night angry from a lack of sleep so I decided it would just be easier and less stressful to sleep in another room. I basically did the first 3 years at night by myself in a separate room, while he slept through the night! We would have sex occasionally! Since oct he’s been working at a new job the last 3 months he works 6 days a week 12am-12pm with one day off that’s not really a day off bc he goes in at 12am! I never see him only in passing! The other day I asked for a hug just a hug and told him I love you just hug me! He slammed the door in my face saying he was fucking tired! I think that our relationship is over!!!! Unless it’s about our child we never really speak! The other day I went to a meeting to get our child in school and when it was done me and him met up by his job, no kiss hello no convo just attitude and rushing to get back home! We never sit and talk financially when our child was born I had good credit and money saved I no longer have a savings account or good credit it has gone from bad to horrible!!! He wasn’t working for a long time and me trying to get everything we needed to keep him and my child happy I ruined my credit! When he started his job back in oct his credit was not so great I put him on my cc’s so he could build and fix his! Now he brags about how great his credit is while mine is horrible and just getting worse I have no money in the bank or place to go even if I decided to leave! I love him we are family but I cannot continue to feel like I am the only one married! I do not know any of his codes for his cell phone or Apple Watch! I don’t have access to any of his social media accounts! It’s been 2 months we don’t have sex kiss hug anything! I am so lonely it breaks my heart my child is very sensitive when all 3 of us are together she says papa hug mommy she always wants us together! Everyday we become more and more like strangers! If he does not feel like texting me back or calling he blocks my number for the day! I no longer know what to do anymore! I think trying what it says in the green box is a great suggestion and will try, however if that does not work I think nothing will!
I have been with my husband for 27 years. A was great until a few months ago when my son said that a female was coming over to visit my husband while I was working. When I asked him he said, “what I can’t have a female friend”. He was very defensive. Then his phone would go off with text messages at all hours and I knew it was her because he would smerk while reading them. When I told him I was uncomfortable with this he responded “deal with it or leave” I was appalled. I said and she is just a friend??!! Shortly after this began this woman lost her house to the bank. Well he allowed her to store her stuff here!! At my house!! And he helps her pack and move these items. When I told him how disrespectful this is he gets so angry. Hides his phone and only deletes Her messages. Literally sleeps with his phone. I told him that I have to move out. I can’t take this affair because sex or not that’s what it is. What should I do?
Unfortunately, it seems that there is some kind of an affair going on here. I understand why you find this unbearable. But why are you the one that’s supposed to leave? if this is what he wants – he should be the one that leaves, right?
So I need a little help. my husband of 12 years has been distant for years. He left his phone in the car a few months ago and I looked. I saw that he had lied to me or at least did not tell me he was meeting with a woman (who Is married and has kids) on a businesss trip. I saw that she texted him xoxo. I saw that she texts him every week asking about his weekend and laughs at his stupid jokes. I saw last week that he texted her multiple time last week asking how she was doing which was more compassion than he has shown me in the last few years. He does not see this woman and from what I can tell doesn’t talk to her on the phone but it is NOT a strictly professional relationship. I think this is the start of an emotional affair and it’s killing me. I just need someone to confirm my feelings.
I have been married for 25 years and have just found out that my husband has been secretly seeing an old female friend for coffee and lunch for over a year. From their messages it sounded like he wanted things to go further but she just wants to be friends. He told her their relationship has to be secret as I would not understand. He has also lied to my face about keeping in touch with two other women. I am frightened to say anything to him as he will then know that I have been looking at his private messages. He also has a very bad temper. I have a daughter with a disability and his temper upsets her terribly. I am her full time career and don’t have any money of my own. I don’t know what to do but I can’t live like this as I am a mental and physical wreck.
Well, I taped. He would do her in our home next to me in the bed while I slept. I have a sleeping disorder and a bomb wouldn’t wake me up much less the noise they made. I taped every night and heard them after I found out who it was. Sad, but I would never wake up. He denied the tapes, saying no one comes in here and played them to him and he still denies the tapes. There is nothing special about her he tried it, liked it, and 2 1/2 years later still doing it. I left 2 times, each time he tells me he wanted me back & stopped messing with her and went back twice, stop taped, and he is still doing the same thing. So this 3rd time I leave again is the final time. I am much better now but he still treats me bad, we have no sex again so what does that tell someone. He wants us both, but I am done. And up to the point of him starting this emotional affair, we got along great in every way.
Clearly he will always cheat because he can. HE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN YOUR BED?Perhaps you would benefit from counseling. You are not accepting reality.
I have been married for 5years ,this year l found out my husband had a kid with another woman before we get married. Now they are back together because of the kid, they spend more time together than me. My kid misses his father so much v. What shall l do. I always cry when he comes home twice a week
I think that if I were you I would make him make a choice about where he is going to live. When he comes home twice a week – do you have an intimate relationship? if you are, I would stop that. I wouldn’t try to keep him away from his child – but as for his relationship with his ex, I would not allow for this situation to go on.
I’ve been married 28 years and my husband was out of town working for 4 months and was having an emotional affair .he told me about her cause he wanted to know if she could come stay the weekend at our home ..its been 14 months since he told me but he has never came clean he lies about everything I talk to the other woman she told me a lot ..I just found out this month there was another one at the same time ..I think I’m going to move out and divorce him I’m tired of his lies ..
Yup I know for a fact my man has emotional intimacy problems because he confides in his ex girlfriend who is supposedly just a friend but I found out otherwise.
yes I understand that too everything I have tried has not worked either Idk what els to do anymore I really don’t other than get a divorce I guess that will hurt me even more than I already are and it’s sucks i have been crying none stop and I have a huge headache now I just feel so heart broken and I’m not going to be able to put the peace’s back together ever it’s in a million peace’s
Just so you know I’m in the exact same situation as you and it sucks bad I know my husband is in love with this one woman her name is brandy six and I hate her with a passion but I know it is having an emotional affair with her he says he doesn’t talk to her but he does I even found her number in his phone and I have deleted it Several times and it’s right back in there idk know what to do I’m just broken cuz I love that man more than my own life and it just hurts to the core
Hi kayli,
I so understand that! I really love this guy.
I think it’s nothibg physical, but emotional yes! With him, I am not sure of anything, whether he still has feelings for her or even if he has feelings for me!
I have tried every trick in the book, tried confrontation, tried making him jealous, saying those words myself, but nothing seems to work.
My husband told me that the girl had a serious thing for her, but he didn’t, before we got married. But, just after the marriage he said he was in love with her, and married me because he was forced.
It’s been an year since our marriage, I am not sure of anything. He never said that he loves me, sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don’t. When I ask him upfront if he loves me, he says he’ll say it on some special occasion.
I get upset even if he takes her name, so he stopped. They are in constant touch, I know. If I try to confront him again, he is always like ‘stop thinking about it, it’s nothing like that’. I don’t know what to do
I have been married to my husband for eleven years, been dating for 18 years. The weekend we were getting married he was cheating on me. During our first week of marriage he continued seeing the same woman. I found out About the affair three years down the line. I confronted him about it, he apologised and promised to change. For the next three years things normalised. In our fifth year of marriage, I fell pregnant. During the pregnancy, he was distant and emotionally unavailable. I confronted him about it, he said he was like that because I was out of shape. The baby was born, three years down the line I tried to be in shape again. After that, for two years he was with me. Ten years in marriage, he became emotionally unavailable again. He started staying late and visiting friends something he never did. I confronted him, he denied. For a while he changed and I thought maybe he’s changing. It seems like he is in Love with someone else, he sneaks out every at opportunity he gets. I am really confused, I think this man never loved me. Please help before I loose my mind. We have a six year old daughter together. Should I divorce him?
I just recently found out my husband was cheating on me again with the same woman he had an affair with 13 years ago. They did have a daughter together. He told me he doesn’t love me he hasn’t loved me in a long time and it has nothing to do with her he started a relationship with her after he decided he didn’t love me anymore. He sneaks off every opportunity he can to see her and pretty much treats me like the dirt on the bottom of a shoe. It’s like he’s almost obsessed with her with hundreds of text messages a day and talking on the phone for hours every night sneaking off when they can to have sex with one another. He still living here he told me he was going to leave after Christmas but he never did. I just don’t know what to do. He doesn’t seem remorseful or anything he’s so wrapped up with her he told me he doesn’t care about me anymore. It makes me sad to think that he was supposed to be my forever and he cast me out like garbage. What do I do?
I think the first and most important thing is to make him leave the house immediately. Right now he is enjoying the comfort of his home and being with her at the same time – this can’t go on. I would separate from him right now and take some time to focus on myself and why this happened in the first place.
I recently discovered that my husband who I’ve been married to for only a month had been texting his ex wife and another girl. The conversation with his ex is all about him trying to convince her to come back to him (even after we became engaged ). And to the other girl who seems to have been his first sexual encounter he said that he”took me on” because he can’t get her.
I did confront him and he is begging for forgiveness blaming it on being raped as a boy. While that is a terrible thing to have happened I do not get how it made him do this?
He keeps telling me he loves me and that he had wanted to be with me for the last 30 years and that I must give him another chance. Thing is he has been saying the same things to other women.
Am I under estimating the effects of rape on a man’s life or am I justified in thinking that it cannot be related.
You are not underestimating. This usually has profound effects and if you go ahead and marry him, do not ignore this. Think long and hard whether you want to deal with this in the years to come. Think about what can happen once you have children.
This does not mean that he doesn’t love you. I’m sure he loves you deeply.
My husband and I got married a year after we had our daughter. I suffered from post partum depression and was just not myself. Him and I were not in a good spot and he eventually ended up leaving. He was cheating on me and then we separated. I worked on myself for a year and healed.
He would come home from time to time and talk about how our story wasn’t over and he loved me. Then a year after he left he showed up covered in blood and his car keyed. He I guess punched his hand through a window at her house and he needed hand surgery. The relationship he left for us a toxic one, this wasn’t there first fight. I never let my husband take my daughter into that situation but he also never asked for that either. The months following he would come home and the leave as their fights got worse and worse. Finally he came home and said let’s try this again. I love you and I want this. I’m ready for a normal life.
We had a solid month and we really worked through a lot. I got pregnant (unplanned) and I’m due in February. She’s is a toxic person and knows how to get into his brain. Here she is again… I have 2 months left in this pregnancy and I’m at a loss. He talks in circles and he’s left again. I don’t want my kids in the environment and I don’t know how to save him. I’m worried. I want my marriage but I don’t know how much longer I can sacrifice my own feelings. Help.
You shouldn’t have to save him. He is an adult. He knows right from wrong and he will stay in this situation as long as you put up with it.
My husband had an emotional affair with a married co-worker. I find it hard to forgive him because he gets defensive and refuses to discuss this eith me. We fight about it all the time. He makes light if it since there was no sex involved. I cant bring myself to trust him he has always been a liar. He refuses to see the deep hurt he has caused me. He wants me toforgive and forget snd dies not understand i need to talk about this in order to do so. Its been 2 years and stil feels fresh to me. Im seriously considering moving on without him if he doesnt come to some realizations about this situation.
I have been married for 7yrs just found out about 6 months ago my husband has been talking to a female friend for at least a year, I didn’t even suspect this, I mean I think about him lying sometimes because he works on the road a lot but never saw this coming he hide it good, he went so far as to get another phone so I couldn’t track his calls when he worked in the state she lives he went to see her and hang out, when I found out he denied at first but eventually told me the truth but has never told me everything I ask him if they slept together he swears they didn’t but I can’t see how he can be emotionally connected to another woman and not have feelings for her or when they hung out not want to cross the line because being in a emotional relationship is intense to me so I can’t see how they wouldn’t have slept together or kissed. I have seen call logs that show him always texting her first and then see them through out the day even sometimes into the late hours, my husband is very quiet person so it hurts that he had so much to talk about with her, and I am a jealous person but he knew my flaws before we married i was married before and went through a lot so I do have trust issues do you think I’m over thinking? He says all they talked about is work or how much he loves me but to me this doesn’t make sense now it’s ruining our marriage cause I’m always checking his stuff and lately I have been checking his location on his google acct I don’t tell him I am, but I have checked it after we get off phone and it says he left his hotel but he swears he didn’t and he tells me I don’t wanna trust him and I need to trust him, I feel bad for sneaking like this but it says he left and not I don’t believe him, am I stupid and should I quit or trust him? It’s driving me crazy please anyone give me some advise
My fiance and I have been together for 3 yrs now, things have been wonderful we both put God first in our lives. I have enrolled in college and like he is with every goal I have he is loving and supportive,. We use to work together then I ended up with a serious case of Shingles, and had to quit over a years time any little bit of stress brings it on again 5 times now I have gotten it, it’s debilitated me so bad I had to put school off as well. It makes me depressed and in so much pain and I know it’s hard for him as well. Well there is a, much younger woman (coworker), he suddenly started to talk about a lot, she is so sweet, she is s o quiet, she is doing such a great job she reminds me of your youngest daughter ( mind you my daughter and I are complete opposite), I am not a jealous person but I jokingly asked him if he had a crush on her he got very upset. I use to have lunch with him everyday he would be so happy to see me then he asked me to c some every other day said we c a n save on gas?? His job refused to hire him permanently, after 9 months he was going to quit if this didn’t happen at 8 months but he kept putting up with it, I know it was because of her, I went for lunch with him one day and expressed my thoughts about the way the Co treated him I told him I supported him no matter what , he sat in the car deciding what to do for a long time said he prayed all morning it was the hardest decision he has ever made which made no sense, it was because of her I know it. He kissed me like he hasn’t in along time told me honey you have no idea ::) ow much I love you, then told me to wait he went inside and quit but was very sad. I told him I didn’t want h I’m to resent me for influence him he said never but now I see him obsessing every time he sees a car like hers almost breaking his neck to see if it’s her, then we ran into her instantly he was happy , then we left and he looks over at me patted me on the head and asked me what was wrong. I am so frightened and confused what did I do wrong? I couldn’t help it I got sick. Did I ruin my relationship is something wrong with me?
My hubsand has this female colleague (also married) whom he told me that her family and friends teased the two of them cause they spent a lot of time together and that was when my husband and I were in a long distance relationship. When we are together that changed their time spending together and all that but we are still invited to their place and all for events etc. Recently, my husband told me that his friend had a bad exp. with her spouse that she needed to talk about it. At first in her message she wanted to talk to us both, but that did not happen and ended up she will only talk to my husband in her office. My hubsand told me how their talk went. She was crying the whole time, telling my husband she can’t leave her spouse because she still loves him even she is in a very bad situation. I am just curious….Should I be worried about them or her or not? I know my husband is telling me what is going on, I just did not like the fact that she suddenly only want to talk to my husband cause she said something came up the day she is supposed to see both of us to talk about her personal problems. My husband told me he suggested to visit me to talk after they talked but I already have a feeling she won’t talk to me. Whenever we go to their place, I hear my husband tell her that she can talk to either of us about her problems, but so far she only prefers to open up with my husband, I really don’t know why. Maybe because they are closer or she does not want me to feel something how deep their friendship or anything? Anyway, I am wondering why she won’t open up to me though. I am expecting this year, so I don’t know if I am just being paranoid with stuff or my feelings tells me she likes my husband and I don’t know why I am also feeling my husband likes her too.
My husband really works hard and his boss is female I saw a sms berween them and dont know how to feel they will sms he will say thank u boss she replys with thank u big boss then his others msg was he took the gas heater to her house and put it on what I understand she wasent there so he told the worker to put it off when it gets to hot she replied saying thank u u to good for me his response was no u wrong u to good for me my heart dropped right threre. I must say she is good helps us alot maybe that is what he means but still hurts makes me feel im not good enough and brings my self esteem down about myself
Amanda,
I think that you’re just letting your insecurities get the best of you. When we feel not good enough, the universe “creates” things to show us what we think about. I think that your husband is just maintaining a good relationship with his boss, which is smart. I don’t see any reason to be alarmed here.
Take focus off him and focus on yourself and your self esteem instead. once you do that, these things will not bother you and will probably disappear all together.
I know my husband had an emotional affair with a woman from his last job. I only got attacked from him withhorribly mean things whenever trying to talk about it. It’s been a year and like others posts, I also can’t get feeling 2nd place out of my mind. Why wouldn’t we feel 2nd? They pursued another woman looking for something…it didn’t turn out for them so now they’ll stay with their wife. I am so hurt and without him ever talking about it…I don’t think we’ll be able to last.
After confronting my husband over and over WE took a small trip when we got back He said i want to put everything on the table! I was seeing this girl for 3 months. I told her i needed to work on my marriage and make it work. I was so hurt! Couldn’t believe he would ever do that to me. QUESTION: I feel like she still calls him I constantly ck his phone JUST A GUT FEELING! But He says no
I would trust my gut feeling, always. You are probably right.
Please see this post about the post-affair agreement, and see if he is willing to agree to it, if he really wants to save your marriage.
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/restore-the-trust/
My husband and I been separated for a year. I found out he had been cheating with this woman for 7 years off and on is what he told me. He decided to leave home got another house also living with her now he want to try and make our marriage work. I moved I this other house with him it’s been 2 moths now and we have not had sex, this is not the first time he’s had an affair, he cheated and got another woman pregnant when we first got married, I accepted it. We been married for 13 years. He says he love me but I have a gut feeling he’s still seeing,texting and communicating with the woman he left me for. We sleep together st night hold each other close but he don’t get arousled at all. He sends me gifts calls me throughout the day tells me he loves me. But not sure he’s over the other woman.
I’m sorry to hear about all of this. You’ve been going through a lot these years.
I think that deep inside you know the truth, but you don’t know what to do about it. I think he really wants to make your marriage work, but his heart is not there completely. That’s why he is not interested in sex.
The question is not about him – it’s about you. What will be good for you in this given situation? If you have to answer with all honesty – to yourself – what would be good for you?
This is a question that only you can answer – not me or anyone else.
My fiance and I have been together for 3 yrs now, things have been wonderful we both put God first in our lives. I have enrolled in college and like he is with every goal I have he is loving and supportive,. We use to work together then I ended up with a serious case of Shingles, and had to quit over a years time any little bit of stress brings it on again 5 times now I have gotten it, it’s debilitated me so bad I had to put school off as well. It makes me depressed and in so much pain and I know it’s hard for him as well. Well there is a, much younger woman (coworker), he suddenly started to talk about a lot, she is so sweet, she is s o quiet, she is doing such a great job she reminds me of your youngest daughter ( mind you my daughter and I are complete opposite), I am not a jealous person but I jokingly asked him if he had a crush on her he got very upset. I use to have lunch with him everyday he would be so happy to see me then he asked me to c some every other day said we c a n save on gas?? His job refused to hire him permanently, after 9 months he was going to quit if this didn’t happen at 8 months but he kept putting up with it, I know it was because of her, I went for lunch with him one day and expressed my thoughts about the way the Co treated him I told him I supported him no matter what , he sat in the car deciding what to do for a long time said he prayed all morning it was the hardest decision he has ever made which made no sense, it was because of her I know it. He kissed me like he hasn’t in along time told me honey you have no idea ::) ow much I love you, then told me to wait he went inside and quit but was very sad. I told him I didn’t want h I’m to resent me for influence him he said never but now I see him obsessing every time he sees a car like hers almost breaking his neck to see if it’s her, then we ran into her instantly he was happy , then we left and he looks over at me patted me on the head and asked me what was wrong. I am so frightened and confused what did I do wrong? I couldn’t help it I got sick. Did I ruin my relationship is something wrong with me?
I am currently trying to save my marriage. My husband was texting another woman in a sexual way. He said she showed him attention when I wasn’t and his head was turned. We have 2 young children. I worked two jobs and am studying at college. We hardly saw each other. On top of that we have a toddler who we have had a 2 year fight to get diagnosed with Coeliac Disease. He was so ill at one time we thought he would die. I can understand how it happened. Maybe not why but definitely how. I DID speak to her after I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore and text her from his phone. This resulted in her messaging me on Facebook. After a night of her calling me names and telling me I’m deluded I got him involved. I told him if he wanted to save our marriage he needed to conform with her he’d told me everything. He did and she gave my her side of the story. Ot matched his and she told me numerous times he would never sleep with her (which means she had tried) she also said she knew how much he loved me and he had stopped it before I found out.
He has changed his number and offered to leave his job. Luckily as I told him not to she hasn’t been back. I would say he has cried almost as much as me. Everytime I tell him I’m not sure I can do it he becomes a complete mess. I’ve caught him crying in the kitchen first thing in the morning. He is doing every single thing I ask him to. I believe he wants to make this right. I just hope the pain subsides soon enough for us to manage it. Please wish us luck
He hasn’t slept with her, and doing everything 2 make things right, give him a chance, get some help or ur marriage is doomed
I had just found out my husband had been talking to his ex, for about a year!! She from Mexico so they only had contact by phone What hurts me the most was the love msg and nude pic. They would send to each other, and the times he would talk to her. We been married for 10 years and his mom had been living with us for 9 years so he was always at work and I would had problems with his because she would always want things her way. And once he has never stood up for me. So I would say to myself “this is the thanks I get in return!?” And those years I would call him to see how he was doing at work and he was always to busy to talk to me and never would he send me a msg or love msg of how he felt for me. So this really hurts bad. I have two sons and now pregnant when I found out he was talking to his Ex’s. He told me that it was words to him and that he dont have feelings for her, that it was just to feel a vibe and th that’s why he texted her because he knew that they couldn’t get in contact physically. And that the words he said to her weren’t by his heart he just wanted to see a peep show but he never loved her. And I ask him than why did he tell her those things and why did he had to send her nude pictures!! And why did it have to be his ex’s!!!?? Maybe I was wrong by making him call her in the phone in front of me but I really wanted to see his reaction and to see how he really felt for her. And he did tell her that he didn’t have feelings for her and that he didn’t want to lose his family. And yes she is married too. We are still trying to work our marriage out but I still can’t get over what happened I feel so miserable this just happened 3m back. He tells me thank you for letting have his family back every day and how much he loves me. But I’m still confused and wondering if those words he said to her were true? I mean he was talking to her for about a year. What should I do or believe? The words they would say its “I love you. ” I need you, ” I miss you!
Why u let it go on for a year? Sounds crazy to me.. just my opinion… but if I knew for a fact and had proof that couldn’t have been me.. and why he sending nude pics to her? I’m sorry but your husband has no respect for you.. I would have been at that courthouse so fast to file at least separation.. I just looked at the date I know this been few years ago.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years we have 3 young kids and I do love him but the other night he got drunk again and this time he told his ex the one he was in the military with that he wanted her for the past 6 years and he would leave me for her he’s always been very secretive about talking to her he would tell me who he was talking to but he wouldn’t talk around me I confronted him and he said it wasn’t him he doesn’t know why he did it and he doesn’t feel that way but since we’ve been together he’s told me several times he wanted to marry her and she was perfect and even told me once I should be more like her there is no chance they can get physical due to being 3000 miles apart but how do I move on how can he say it wasn’t him I’m destroyed right now and he’s being very I’m sorry hunny deleted Facebook and her messages but I’m confused and now due to his work he’s gone I won’t see him till Christmas what a horrible situation thank you in advance for any insight
Hi, my mother always say, “A drunken man tellers no lie.” And I believe her. When someone is drunk, their initiations are lowered. This vulnerability allows them to open up in ways they would t before. Be careful of signs, when a married man consistently subtly or directly compare you to another woman hat he knows in an intimate manner it is never a good sign for your relationship. Because this means that he has emotional attachment to a woman, who is not his wife and he enjoys seeing these actions or characteristics because it makes him happy. It is also disrespectful to to you and your marriage.i do not mean to hurt you but I feel he’s being penitent out of guilt and not out of love and respect for you. You have to examine if this marriage is worth saving. If it isn’t. Then dissolve your assets and file for divorce and whatever you do try and make it as amicable as possible.
If you decide to save your marriage! There are a range of things you should do. First, make sure you are doing activities that contributes to you. Even though you are married you must feed that part of you that contributes to your drive as an individual. Go out with friends, read, draw, do some traveling or small trips and if it helps document the experiences. The next thing is this your husband fell in love with you. You need to test in way to see if he fell in love with you or he settled for you. In order to test this, I would say keep being the good wife and watch his behavior. You know your husband and you know when something is off. Do this, when he gets hone from his work trip make sure you and most of your belongings are not there. Take sometime to yourself and let him experience what it is liken for you to be gone for once. Because often times people learn better when the proverbial shoe is in the foot.
When you are calm and ready to talk do it. Communicate with him when he comes back with his trip. Tell him, that it hurts your feelings when (and name the feeling) put an identity to it. For example, “Jack (use your husband’s first name do not use terms of endearment as this is a serious matter) it hurts me when you said you have residual feelings for your ex-girlfriend. As your wife, I felt like I was the other woman and no one should be demeaned in the way you have demeaned me and our marriage.” “Jack, I am me and I have no intentions of being anyone else but when you constantly compares me to another woman especially an ex, it gives the obvious impression that you have feelings for this person to the point where you would tear me down with your words by telling me to be more like her.” Then asked, “If the roles were reversed; how would you feel?” If he expresses that he would feel terrible, use that response to start a dialogue to resolve the issue.
If this issue still persists then you should consider a divorce and starting over focusing solely on you before dating again. Because if this issue is not fealty with it can manifest in other ways in your relationship.
I have been with my husband for 18 years. There was no real indication my husband liked another woman but I just had an instinct. I checked his messages and found he’s been texting a girl from the gym, mainly about working out but there were a few suggestive comments like ‘ I wish I could have shared your birthday with you’ and how Much he missed her when we were on holiday (as a family). I confronted him and he says they r just friends but I think that’s only because she isn’t interested that way. I’m in bits but don’t know if I’m going overboard with this. Since confronting him I’ve noticed he’s making more of an effort but I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to be second best.
Diane,
First of all, you’re not second best. It seems to me that he’s just using an opportunity to flirt with someone else to make him feel young again…
On the other hand, I know it’s scary, and humiliating.
The way I see it, this is a chance to have a good talk about your relationship, where it stands and how each of you feels. If you can make it a real honest one, when non one is afraid to tell the truth about everything, it may change everything for the better.
This is a chance. You just have to know how to use it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
I was with my husband for three years but married for one. We both are 35 and we’re going through some issues: When I came home one day he was gone and didn’t hear or talk to him until a month later. During this time I filed for a divorce. I had no idea where he was. He came back around and was upfront about sleeping with another women. I also confronted her. He knew what he did was wrong but how do I know he won’t ever do it again.
Shelly,
I don’t want to judge or anything, and I’m just guessing, but if he has disappeared without saying a word for a month to sleep with other women, I think it’s safe to say he may do it again.
Right now, he is not a guy I would trust.
It would take serious help and counseling to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but maybe this was the way of the universe to show you a way out of something that’s not right for you?
Over the last few months I’ve caught my husband lying and covering up text messages and Facebook messaging from a much younger co-worker. I confronted him and it only led to fights and us growing more apart. I do believe he loves me and I love him. We both have grown into a rut as his 87 year old mother lives with us, whom I take care of. Today he admitted with no prompting that he believes he “was” emotionally cheating. Although he says he didn’t realize he was doing it until I mentioned it in our last fight. Now, he is super attentive, lovey dovey, and all about me. Part of me wants to believe he is genuinely sorry. Another part is in complete shock and heartbroken, and part of me wonders if she told him to back off and I’m second in his feelings. I truly don’t know what to do or what I should believe. Help?
Terri,
From what you’re telling him I have a feeling that he is really sorry, I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but I think your marriage is worth one more chance, especially since he seems to regret his actions.
And try not assume things, like that you’re a second choice. Why would that be true? Yo9u can always ask him too, if you really want to make sure. You’ll know if he is telling you the truth or not.
I have seen lot of people building up resentment on the husband because of the affair. This is hard to overcome if ignored. Deal with our own emotions is really important. Knowing the root cause that pushed him to have the affair has to be known. That will give a better understanding of the situation. Thanks, Emma.
This is a well written post. To the point and well written, I appreciate for the info. Thanks.
my husband has been cheating and when i confronted him,he claims they are doing him favours relating to his business.he hasnt apologiesed to me though and am really hurt.
I know how you feel my boyfriend was friends with this girl before we dated but now that we are dating i dont want him having any kind if contact with her and i have told him plenty of times but he keeps talking to her when he goes work for the 2 weeks he works in the oil field but i just found her number in this stuff AGAIN and i have it now but i just can’t make him stop talking to her i honestly think that he is in love with her and not me anymore and it really really hurts me to the core we have only been together 3 years going on 4 years….i dont want to lose him at all i love that man MORE than anything in this world what can i do please help me…
U need 2 be strong, stop the sex with him, let him know ur serious, tell him if he doesn’t stop, ur marriage is over, this is disrespectful and selfish on his part, u need 2 love ur self more, cause if u keep putting up with it, will not stop, he is getting his cake and eating it 2, no woman should have 2 put up with this mess ask ur self is this love or obsession, cause if a man truly loves/ respects u, he would never do anything 2 lose that
I have been split with the father of my kids for almost 3 years already. We separated but live together, he started seeing someone right away, but I think he might have met her since before because I alwayS felt rejected. After he left our home, he continued to see her, then she got back with her BF, and he started to try and come around but was hesitant. I got pregnant, and he started seeing her again. I told her I was pregnant, I think she broke it off, even though he says he did. We started hanging out again, then had a fight and now he’s back with her again. But it seems like it’s serious now because he took her to meet his family, he knows her mom and siblings. I’m confused if he ever did care about me this entire time or if he was Using me because she was back with her BF.